5 years no contact

[Guest guest]

yes. it is now five years since I said goodbye to by borderline mother after

47 years of hell. I have to tell you that I do not miss her in my waking life.

Sometimes, when other people talk about missing their dead mothers, or wish they

could see their mothers who live far away, I am reminded that I have a live

mother who resides only 27 miles from me. But then I pinch myself and remember

that I don't really have a living mother. I have what I thought was a mother.

Something I made up. She did what she could. As did I, under the

circumstances. I understand that now. It has taken me this long to come to

grips with the fact that I was totally brainwashed by her and used by her for

her purposes and then to find a way to let that go so I can go on with my life.

I am 52 now. If I don't, what point was there in making the break? The last

five years have been very tumultuous for so many reasons, but.....and this is a

MAJOR but,so less traumatic than if she had been involved. I have so much more

peace of mind. My mistakes are my mistakes. My victories are my victories. My

challenges are mine alone. I only have to live for myself. I only have to take

care of myself. And she is doing just fine, from what I hear. And playing up

the martyr thing to the hilt. Poor her. Her only child won't have anything to

do with her! Isn't it funny that she don't tell anyone how she had planned to

cut him out of her life, and he heard about it so did it first? I couldn't let

that happen. Anyhow. I just wanted to check in. I posted a lot when I forced

the break. This group was very helpful to me. Please understand....anyone who

reads this....you do not have to continue contact if you choose not to. if you

feel it is doing you harm, as I did, then take control of your own life and make

the break. I am living proof that you can do it. and come out on the other

side. five years late. perhaps not a whole person. but a lot more whole than

I was before. and sooooo glad I did it. elated. best decision I ever made.

bar none. she is doing just fine without me. I think most of her complaints

were just that. complaints. not actual. all those panic attacks. all those

anxiety episodes. all those threats of suicide. She is going to oulive me and

dance on my grave! more power to her! I got away!

[Guest guest]

Doug, congratulations on five years of freedom. I too have had about five year

of NC with my NPD brother.

A question for you Doug. Do people ever judge you harhsly for your NC? I find

that some people jump to rash conclusions about my NC decision (including my

nada)! I hate explaining my NC because they never seem to get it. Forgive and

forget they say, how naive they are. Lucky them! They never suffered the

outrageous abuse so they can keep the rose cloured glasses firmly in place.

I look at NC like this. If it wasn't a brother/sister relationship but a

husband/wife instead, and the wife was verbally, physically, financially and

emotionally abused for 25 years who would criticize her for leaving permanently?

Nobody! yet because I'm a sister I should somehow continue to put up with the

abuse? Makes no sense.

I'm glad that you're free. I doubt your nada will dance on your grave though,

she'll find some other way to use it as an attention/pity getting episode for

herself. *tongue in cheek* But seriously Doug, I understand your position and

I'm happy for you.

[Guest guest]

thank you and my best to you as well. you are right. others are very

judgmental. I have heard " oh...this is just some sort of misunderstanding and

you will get over it " or " you will eventually patch things up...I'm sure she

means well " . They obviously have no frame of reference. Of course, neither did

I before I undertood what I was dealing with, so I guess I can't expect them to.

Actually, I stopped telling people. I just don't talk about my family. I think

new people I meet assume, especially at my age (I'm 52) that my parents are

dead. I never mention that my mom lives 27 miles to the West and my dad lives

about 300 miles to the North, and I have contact with neither. Not having ANY

validation from others, was, at first, terribly difficult, because I was not

used to validating myself. I really had to work on that one. I am still

working on it. Having it be okay. But it is. And I am. And each days runs

into another. And my daughter is beautiful and wonderful and I am so thankful

for my relationship with her, that isn't difficult or painful or fraught with

FOG. I am blessed. And if I never succeed at another thing, I got away. It

took a very long time, but I am one of the first in my family to break the

cycle. I have cousins that are still in it and reeling, unfortunately. Their

moms or dads are just like mine. Cut from the same cloth. Sad. But I am going

in another direction now. So....remember whatever good times you had with your

brother and try to focus on them. I was talking to my daughter just earlier

today about some happy memories...stuff my mom and I did together when I was a

kid that brought us joy...and be happy for that. that is what gets us all thru

the other stuff. thank you for writing.

>

> Doug, congratulations on five years of freedom. I too have had about five year

of NC with my NPD brother.

>

> A question for you Doug. Do people ever judge you harhsly for your NC? I find

that some people jump to rash conclusions about my NC decision (including my

nada)! I hate explaining my NC because they never seem to get it. Forgive and

forget they say, how naive they are. Lucky them! They never suffered the

outrageous abuse so they can keep the rose cloured glasses firmly in place.

>

> I look at NC like this. If it wasn't a brother/sister relationship but a

husband/wife instead, and the wife was verbally, physically, financially and

emotionally abused for 25 years who would criticize her for leaving permanently?

Nobody! yet because I'm a sister I should somehow continue to put up with the

abuse? Makes no sense.

>

> I'm glad that you're free. I doubt your nada will dance on your grave though,

she'll find some other way to use it as an attention/pity getting episode for

herself. *tongue in cheek* But seriously Doug, I understand your position and

I'm happy for you.

>

[Guest guest]

Hi there, I'm really at a lost for words bc I don't understand how outside

people cannot 'see' the damage when u tell them about it.  But, u know what, if

in fact they don't get it, u really don't need them in ur life.  As for my nada

n gnada, the second I tell about even 1 of the horrific things they've done to

me, people understand and actually ask me why I still even talk to them.  I

guess I'm fortunate that no one thinks I'm the bad one.  Well, I do...sorta.

 I'm coming to terms with the fact that it really isn't me...have made a lot of

progress in that realm actually, but I still talk to them n sometimes feed into

their crazy; however incredibly less than before.  I am sooooooooo excited for

the day to come when I NEVER have any contact with them again.  I've told of

few close others about me going nc who know them and they think it is a

Wonderful thing!!!  I just tell people (only some) the facts.  As u all well

know, we ko's Absolutely

don't need to 'make up' things when we have a nada/fada.  The truth is often

times waaaaaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyy worse than any fiction could ever be!!!!!

 I'm an only child, so is my nada, who doesn't really talk to any of the other

foo and it doesn't bother me one bit to think I'll be on my own in this.  I

always have been.  No one was there to protect or save me.  If they would have

been, then I'd at least listen to what they had to say/  I think our friends

become our family when we have a family that stinks. 'Outsiders' have always

been kinder to me than my own family.  So, who really needs them?

 Hellfireblonde, ur right on!!!  Do it and don't look back!!!  U r in the

right for going NC and need really to explain urself to no one!! And, just by

chance u do, tell them just a few of the awful things she's done to u and ask em

if they'd like it.  Doubt it!!!  And Dougie, kudos to u too!!!!!!  I've read

some of ur other posts and u've done

a great thing for U AND UR DAUGHTER!!!!!!  I wish I had someone to rescue me

when I was little.  U've broken the cycle and it's a Wonderful thing!!!  U now

have a life of ur own and u've help to create an Amazing one for ur child!!!

 Great job!!!  Thanks for the hope u've given me!!!

________________________________

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Sent: Thursday, August 9, 2012 1:54 PM

Subject: Re: 5 years no contact

 

thank you and my best to you as well. you are right. others are very

judgmental. I have heard " oh...this is just some sort of misunderstanding and

you will get over it " or " you will eventually patch things up...I'm sure she

means well " . They obviously have no frame of reference. Of course, neither did

I before I undertood what I was dealing with, so I guess I can't expect them to.

Actually, I stopped telling people. I just don't talk about my family. I think

new people I meet assume, especially at my age (I'm 52) that my parents are

dead. I never mention that my mom lives 27 miles to the West and my dad lives

about 300 miles to the North, and I have contact with neither. Not having ANY

validation from others, was, at first, terribly difficult, because I was not

used to validating myself. I really had to work on that one. I am still

working on it. Having it be okay. But it is. And I am. And each days runs

into another. And my daughter is

beautiful and wonderful and I am so thankful for my relationship with her, that

isn't difficult or painful or fraught with FOG. I am blessed. And if I never

succeed at another thing, I got away. It took a very long time, but I am one of

the first in my family to break the cycle. I have cousins that are still in it

and reeling, unfortunately. Their moms or dads are just like mine. Cut from

the same cloth. Sad. But I am going in another direction now. So....remember

whatever good times you had with your brother and try to focus on them. I was

talking to my daughter just earlier today about some happy memories...stuff my

mom and I did together when I was a kid that brought us joy...and be happy for

that. that is what gets us all thru the other stuff. thank you for writing.

>

> Doug, congratulations on five years of freedom. I too have had about five year

of NC with my NPD brother.

>

> A question for you Doug. Do people ever judge you harhsly for your NC? I find

that some people jump to rash conclusions about my NC decision (including my

nada)! I hate explaining my NC because they never seem to get it. Forgive and

forget they say, how naive they are. Lucky them! They never suffered the

outrageous abuse so they can keep the rose cloured glasses firmly in place.

>

> I look at NC like this. If it wasn't a brother/sister relationship but a

husband/wife instead, and the wife was verbally, physically, financially and

emotionally abused for 25 years who would criticize her for leaving permanently?

Nobody! yet because I'm a sister I should somehow continue to put up with the

abuse? Makes no sense.

>

> I'm glad that you're free. I doubt your nada will dance on your grave though,

she'll find some other way to use it as an attention/pity getting episode for

herself. *tongue in cheek* But seriously Doug, I understand your position and

I'm happy for you.

>

[Guest guest]

When I used to meet people who refused contact with their parents (back in my

pre-insight days), in my mind I would feel very judgmental of them.

I laugh now, because I realize I was actually JEALOUS of them!! Of their

courage to say no.

I have a friend whose mother lives on another continent and whom she rarely

calls or writes or anything. I was incredulous at the time. I asked her didn't

that make her feel bad or anything. She said, " no, I just don't want to talk to

her. "

Anyway, now that I get it and live it (by that, I mean that as soon as I started

developing boundaries and saying " no, I will not do this or that " with nada, I

understood much more), I empathize much more.

> >

> > Doug, congratulations on five years of freedom. I too have had about five

year of NC with my NPD brother.

> >

> > A question for you Doug. Do people ever judge you harhsly for your NC? I

find that some people jump to rash conclusions about my NC decision (including

my nada)! I hate explaining my NC because they never seem to get it. Forgive

and forget they say, how naive they are. Lucky them! They never suffered the

outrageous abuse so they can keep the rose cloured glasses firmly in place.

> >

> > I look at NC like this. If it wasn't a brother/sister relationship but a

husband/wife instead, and the wife was verbally, physically, financially and

emotionally abused for 25 years who would criticize her for leaving permanently?

Nobody! yet because I'm a sister I should somehow continue to put up with the

abuse? Makes no sense.

> >

> > I'm glad that you're free. I doubt your nada will dance on your grave

though, she'll find some other way to use it as an attention/pity getting

episode for herself. *tongue in cheek* But seriously Doug, I understand your

position and I'm happy for you.

> >

>

[Guest guest]

I hear you...about the jealousy thing. funny how your mind plays little tricks

with you. huh? (I was always judgmental of other people who didn't have contact

with their parents as well) I can remember being an older child and wondering

what it would be like if my mother and step-father suddenly died in some

horrible car accident or something. I never imagined the pain of it all...I

just imagined how peaceful it would be afterward...with just me living in the

house by myself. no one fighting. no bad feelings. no more guilt or trauma.

Hermit's daughter, huh? so you read " The Borderline Mother " ? My mom is a

Witch. mostly. and she wouldn't adhere to any of the bounderies I tried so

hard to maintain. Near the end, I was so angry, I couldn't stand either one of

us. the only thing I could do was walk away. And, as I explained before, she

was planning to cut me out anyway, so I just did it first. which must have

really gotten to her because she is all about controlling everything and

everyone. I lost my job recently and my partner kicked me out of our house so I

am now house sitting for my ex wife who is out of town for the summer. I am

only half a mile from nada and am stressing about it something fierce. I leave

all the blinds down and only go out at night. I am terrified I will bump into

her at the grocery store or something so I shop in another town. I can only

assume she hasn't seen my truck in the driveway yet (luck) or she would have

been at the front door making my life miserable and I would be looking for a new

place to sleep. cross your fingers for me. I am not having any luck finding

another job, unfortunately. what kind of bounderies are you using?

> > >

> > > Doug, congratulations on five years of freedom. I too have had about five

year of NC with my NPD brother.

> > >

> > > A question for you Doug. Do people ever judge you harhsly for your NC? I

find that some people jump to rash conclusions about my NC decision (including

my nada)! I hate explaining my NC because they never seem to get it. Forgive

and forget they say, how naive they are. Lucky them! They never suffered the

outrageous abuse so they can keep the rose cloured glasses firmly in place.

> > >

> > > I look at NC like this. If it wasn't a brother/sister relationship but a

husband/wife instead, and the wife was verbally, physically, financially and

emotionally abused for 25 years who would criticize her for leaving permanently?

Nobody! yet because I'm a sister I should somehow continue to put up with the

abuse? Makes no sense.

> > >

> > > I'm glad that you're free. I doubt your nada will dance on your grave

though, she'll find some other way to use it as an attention/pity getting

episode for herself. *tongue in cheek* But seriously Doug, I understand your

position and I'm happy for you.

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Yikes, that's no fun living like that and worrying nada might pop out of the

woodwork at any moment! Well, I guess the best you can do is continue your NC

boundary if she shows up. Shut her down immediately, think closing the door in

her face and ignoring her from there. Yes you'll likely have to move if she

figures out you're there. Can you park your truck around back???!! Or maybe

cover it with a tarp or something!!? Isn't it insane the lengths we have to go

to to avoid crazy people?!!

As far as my boundaries go, I refuse to discuss my NC decision with any BPD or

dysfunctional FOO members. I also won't explain myself to those who are clearly

judgemental and in disagreement with my position. It's not worth it to me to try

to 'convince' anyone my feelings are valid. I don't attend family dinners/events

where my NPD/bi-polar (NC) bada will attend. So that means I'm on my own for

Christmas which is fine, it's my choice. I'd rather have a quiet night with my

dog and a movie than deal with my NPD bada and his destruction. If I'm spending

time with my other brother, (He's possibly dependent personality disordered &

Golden child), if he gets drunk and tries to discuss the issues I'll wrap things

up and go home. I tried to have a sober discussion with him about BPD NPD and

co-dependency in an objective sense; he would not research it or aknowledge any

of it.

Another line that helps when nada or whoever gives me flack about my decisions,

is to explain that she does not have to like my decision but it's mine to make

and she'll have to accept it for now because I won't change my mind. It's

amazing to me that people are still confounded by my decision to have no contact

with someone who is outrageously abusive. Everyone agrees that he's a rotten

bastard and yet they think I should just put up with his abuse. Is this really

that difficult to grasp??!!