And the name calling begins

[Guest guest]

I don't know why, at 45 I still let it bother me but Nada is off on a tear

because I chose to spend this weekend with my SO at the military base where he

is currently stationed.  My son is with his dad beginning Friday for 10 days so

I'm not abandoning him.  Forget the fact that I've been with him for over 2

years.  The names she's calling me are really uncalled for. 

[Guest guest]

Hi ,

My suggestion is in two parts:

(A) You have the right to interrupt your nada/talk over her when she begins

calling you ugly names, and say in a calm, neutral tone something like, " Mom,

I'm not going to listen to you when you call me ugly names like that, so I'm

hanging up the phone now. Perhaps we can try talking again some other time.

'Bye. "

You can't control or change what your mother thinks or says, but you sure don't

have to listen to it.

If you can do this very consistently, EACH TIME she starts in on the

name-calling or working herself up into a mad-on, if you can interrupt her,

make your statement and cut the call off *right when this unacceptable behavior

BEGINS*, then eventually she may catch on that calling you ugly names isn't

getting her a payoff. It doesn't upset you and it doesn't get her any time with

you/attention from you, it instead gets her call rather abruptly terminated.

( You have the right to not share all the details of your personal life with

your nada, particularly things that " set her off " , such as you having a normal

adult sexual life. You are a responsible adult and a responsible parent, so

how or with whom you spend your free time is none of her business, frankly.

At this stage of the relationship with an aging parent with bpd, I suggest that

it works better to engage in " information management " or " nada wrangling " than

being completely open and honest.

For example: when I was still making the effort to remain in contact with my

nada and would visit her once or twice a year (cross-country plane trip) it

began occurring that if I told nada that I wanted to visit other people like old

school friends or even stay at my Sister's house for a day or two while I was

there, it would set my nada off and she would make the time I did spend with her

utterly miserable.

So I started lying to nada. I didn't tell her when I was actually arriving in

her area or departing, so that I could arrive a few days earlier/leave a few

days later than she thought, do my visiting and other things I wanted to do,

then visit nada for a few days and let her believe that I had made the long trip

there exclusively to visit her. Even though she would complain that my visit

was too short, she could handle that concept better than the idea that I was in

her area but not glued to her side every moment like a siamese twin. She really

was THAT controlling, domineering and possessive; if you can believe it.

What would set off my nada the most was the idea that my Sister and I wanted to

spend time with each other without her; so the solution for me was: what nada

didn't know didn't upset her.

I hope that helps.

-Annie

>

> I don't know why, at 45 I still let it bother me but Nada is off on a tear

because I chose to spend this weekend with my SO at the military base where he

is currently stationed.  My son is with his dad beginning Friday for 10 days so

I'm not abandoning him.  Forget the fact that I've been with him for over 2

years.  The names she's calling me are really uncalled for. 

>

>

[Guest guest]

That's why I love this board, everybody does understand.  And that's how it

slipped because she was already making plans for the weekend of where I would be

taking her since I didn't have my son.  I told her this weekend was for me

since she had already made plans for next weekend since its my birthday (don't

even go there).  She wants to have dinner tomorrow night so she can see her

grandson before he leaves for a week so I can hold that over her if she doesn't

keep it calm.

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Sent: Tuesday, July 31, 2012 10:46 AM

Subject: Re: And the name calling begins

 

Hi ,

My suggestion is in two parts:

(A) You have the right to interrupt your nada/talk over her when she begins

calling you ugly names, and say in a calm, neutral tone something like, " Mom,

I'm not going to listen to you when you call me ugly names like that, so I'm

hanging up the phone now. Perhaps we can try talking again some other time.

'Bye. "

You can't control or change what your mother thinks or says, but you sure don't

have to listen to it.

If you can do this very consistently, EACH TIME she starts in on the

name-calling or working herself up into a mad-on, if you can interrupt her, make

your statement and cut the call off *right when this unacceptable behavior

BEGINS*, then eventually she may catch on that calling you ugly names isn't

getting her a payoff. It doesn't upset you and it doesn't get her any time with

you/attention from you, it instead gets her call rather abruptly terminated.

( You have the right to not share all the details of your personal life with

your nada, particularly things that " set her off " , such as you having a normal

adult sexual life. You are a responsible adult and a responsible parent, so how

or with whom you spend your free time is none of her business, frankly.

At this stage of the relationship with an aging parent with bpd, I suggest that

it works better to engage in " information management " or " nada wrangling " than

being completely open and honest.

For example: when I was still making the effort to remain in contact with my

nada and would visit her once or twice a year (cross-country plane trip) it

began occurring that if I told nada that I wanted to visit other people like old

school friends or even stay at my Sister's house for a day or two while I was

there, it would set my nada off and she would make the time I did spend with her

utterly miserable.

So I started lying to nada. I didn't tell her when I was actually arriving in

her area or departing, so that I could arrive a few days earlier/leave a few

days later than she thought, do my visiting and other things I wanted to do,

then visit nada for a few days and let her believe that I had made the long trip

there exclusively to visit her. Even though she would complain that my visit was

too short, she could handle that concept better than the idea that I was in her

area but not glued to her side every moment like a siamese twin. She really was

THAT controlling, domineering and possessive; if you can believe it.

What would set off my nada the most was the idea that my Sister and I wanted to

spend time with each other without her; so the solution for me was: what nada

didn't know didn't upset her.

I hope that helps.

-Annie

>

> I don't know why, at 45 I still let it bother me but Nada is off on a tear

because I chose to spend this weekend with my SO at the military base where he

is currently stationed.  My son is with his dad beginning Friday for 10 days so

I'm not abandoning him.  Forget the fact that I've been with him for over 2

years.  The names she's calling me are really uncalled for. 

>

>

[Guest guest]

I second what Annie said. She is right on target! Don't put up with any kind of

abuse from the BPD. If they sense you will not tolerate it they will curb the

tongue. Being verbally abused isn't good for you or the BPD. When it happened

to me I would be emotionally upset for hours, maybe even days. This took my

mind and energy away from taking care of myself and my responsibilities to

others. Wasn't worth the hassle. It the long run it robbed me of all the good

stuff God wanted in my life.

> >

> > I don't know why, at 45 I still let it bother me but Nada is off on a tear

because I chose to spend this weekend with my SO at the military base where he

is currently stationed.  My son is with his dad beginning Friday for 10 days so

I'm not abandoning him.  Forget the fact that I've been with him for over 2

years.  The names she's calling me are really uncalled for. 

> >

> >

[Guest guest]

Oh, Annie, I love it. " information management or nada wrangling " ROFL

C

> >

> > I don't know why, at 45 I still let it bother me but Nada is off on a tear

because I chose to spend this weekend with my SO at the military base where he

is currently stationed.  My son is with his dad beginning Friday for 10 days so

I'm not abandoning him.  Forget the fact that I've been with him for over 2

years.  The names she's calling me are really uncalled for. 

> >

> >