Need some advice how to set some boundaries.

July 31, 2012

As I have posted in the past, I got caught up in serious FOG and moved here

to care for Nada at step dads request 1.5 years ago. I only learned of

Nada's BPD /NPD issues since I got back up here. after being away (250 miles

or more) for 25 years. All my life was looking for only alcoholic issues

support and have learned Nadas issues are far more NPD / BPD than mere

alcoholism.

Anyway. Nada had a heart attack last year, right after I got here. Since

then she has become COMPLETELY dependent on me for all home services and

meals (which are upon her request, we don't have a set dinner time. We eat

when she is ready, could be 6pm, could be 9pm, or anytime in between. She

has diet restrictions so meals have to be just so, include a protein, veggie

and starch, no processed food. And meals must include fresh salad with the

works. peppers, mushrooms, celery, radishes, pea pods, etc) . I am now 46

and need to get back to my own life. I am looking for work but am still

expected to WAIT on her hand and foot on her schedule. I can't plan a thing!

I have NEVER done this in the past for her but in true BPD fashion she will

not admit that I have helped her (or that she even needed any help during

her recovery). She sees me as a 46 year old moocher / looser who couldn't

make it on my own as a single woman who washed out, had to move home with

Mommy and who now OWES her service! She often sights that " I am lucky to be

here " when I try to set boundaries of any kind now that she has begun to

recover (although step dad BEGGED me to move up and help them prior to the

heart attack as she was a physical mess). I gave up my job, life and friends

to come here to *help*. I can't say that I regret it as I have finally

learned what the problem has been all along and a learning a lot about NPD /

BPD. I am going to be in deep trouble if I don't move my own life along

soon.

The problem is that I DO live here and cant make a move until I get a job. I

am having trouble getting chunks of time to job hunt. I am working with a

career consultant who advises that I start volunteering for the professional

associations to which I belong. He feels my only real issue getting a job

has been that I don't have a network here and need to create one. This takes

a lot of time, much of it around dinner time and probably will not be

scheduled or on regular days. I somehow need to be freed up to do what I

need to do. I am NOT in charge here and cant make plans as if I were. I just

can't do this " wait on Nada " from 4 to 10pm, 7 days a week routine anymore.

I could get her to agree to doing something else say two nights a week if it

were planned. I fear that if what calls me away is not on the scheduled

night there will be the big drama scene.

Nada is a queen but is getting very waify these days. Teary and afraid to do

anything because she thinks she going to have another heart attack.

Anyway - anybody have any advice for me as to how to set some boundaries

with a woman who sees it is my duty to wait on her? I really need to be able

to do what I need to do now.

Thanks,

M

July 31, 2012

M,

I would suggest that you buy some microwaveable containers and a microwave

(which you probably already have) and prepare her dinner ahead. Put the salad in

the fridge separately and the dinner on a container or plate that can be

reheated. Tell her where it is and how to heat it and then go do your thing.

Sure, she will squawk but unless she is bed-bound there is no excuse for her not

to heat up her dinner. And if she IS confined to bed then you can call her

doctor and tell them you need aides to come in.

You weren't born to be her servant and unless you chose to go into a career that

has the words nurse, nurses aide or doctor in it there's no reason for you to be

handling all her care.

Anyway, I would give her a choice: Mom, you get dinner this way some nights a

week or I hire an aide to come in.

> As I have posted in the past, I got caught up in serious FOG and moved here

> to care for Nada at step dads request 1.5 years ago. I only learned of

> Nada's BPD /NPD issues since I got back up here. after being away (250 miles

> or more) for 25 years. All my life was looking for only alcoholic issues

> support and have learned Nadas issues are far more NPD / BPD than mere

> alcoholism.

>

> Anyway. Nada had a heart attack last year, right after I got here. Since

> then she has become COMPLETELY dependent on me for all home services and

> meals (which meals must. I am looking for work but am still

> expected to WAIT on her hand and foot on her schedule. I can't plan a thing!

> I have NEVER done this in the past for her but in true BPD fashion she will

> not admit that I have helped a 46 year old moocher / looser who couldn't

> make it on my own as a single woman who washed out, had to move home with

> Mommy and who now OWES her service! She often sights that " I am lucky to be

> here " when I try to set

> heart attack as she was a physical mess). I gave up my job, life and friends

> to come here to *help*. I can't say that I regret it as I have finally

> learned what the problem has been all along and a learning a lot about NPD /

> BPD. I am going to be in deep trouble if I don't move my own life along

> soon.

>

> The problem is that I DO live here and cant make a move until I get a job. I

> am having trouble getting chunks of time to job hunt. I am working with a

> career consultant who advises that I start volunteering for the professional

> associations to which I belong. He feels my only real issue getting a job

> has been that I don't have a network here and need to create one. This takes

> a lot of time, much of it around dinner time and probably will not be

> scheduled or on regular days. I somehow need to be freed up to do what I

> need to do. I am NOT in charge here and cant make plans as if I were. I just

> can't do this " wait on Nada " from 4 to 10pm, 7 days a week routine anymore.

> I could get her to agree to doing something else say two nights a week if it

> were planned. I fear that if what calls me away is not on the scheduled

> night there will be the big drama scene.

>

> Nada is a queen but is getting very waify these days. Teary and afraid to do

> anything because she thinks she going to have another heart attack.

>

> Anyway - anybody have any advice for me as to how to set some boundaries

> with a woman who sees it is my duty to wait on her? I really need to be able

> to do what I need to do now.

>

> Thanks,

>

> __._,_.

> Swi

>

July 31, 2012

Hi ,

I think I'd start with a set dinner time. I think having a schedule you are in

control of might help you be able to plan for the things you need to do to job

hunt and network. If she doesn't want to eat at that time, that's fine--the

food will be there in the fridge for her to heat up when she's ready.

The reality is that she is the elderly moocher/loser who can't make it on her

own (as she defines things). She's projecting her feelings about her loss of

competence onto you. It's good she doesn't have you entirely brainwashed into

thinking it's true. It is somehow deeply funny to me that she says, " You're

lucky to be here, " like there's no greater honor than waiting on her...

There very well may be drama, but you don't have to watch. If you aren't

interested in the show, that's why doors have two sides and close. Just

practice telling yourself you won't engage.

Is there someone else you can stay with while you get back on your feet again?

I'm sure that's a tall order, but it seems hard to focus on a job search with

that kind of backdrop.

Take care,

Ashana

July 31, 2012

M,

Just because she wants things the way they are doesn't mean they

have to be that way. I agree with both and Ash. I think

you need to set a schedule for dinner. If she's not ready to eat

at that time, you can leave a plate of food for her and she can

reheat it. Leaving prepared meals ready to heat for times when

you don't want to stay home and serve her sounds fine too.

Why do you have to wait on her the way you've been doing? Does

she have other physcial problems beyond having had a heart

attack? Does she suffer from dementia that makes it unsafe for

her to try to use the kitchen? If not, there's probably no

reason you should have to always prepare her meals to begin

with. Having her reheat meals you've prepared would make a good

first stop towards her preparing some of her own meals.

At 10:35 AM 07/31/2012 Manning wrote:

>As I have posted in the past, I got caught up in serious FOG

>and moved here

>to care for Nada at step dads request 1.5 years ago. I only

>learned of

>Nada's BPD /NPD issues since I got back up here. after being

>away (250 miles

>or more) for 25 years. All my life was looking for only

>alcoholic issues

>support and have learned Nadas issues are far more NPD / BPD

>than mere

>alcoholism.

>

>Anyway. Nada had a heart attack last year, right after I got

>here. Since

>then she has become COMPLETELY dependent on me for all home

>services and

>meals (which are upon her request, we don't have a set dinner

>time. We eat

>when she is ready, could be 6pm, could be 9pm, or anytime in

>between. She

>has diet restrictions so meals have to be just so, include a

>protein, veggie

>and starch, no processed food. And meals must include fresh

>salad with the

>works. peppers, mushrooms, celery, radishes, pea pods, etc)

>. I am now 46

>and need to get back to my own life. I am looking for work but

>am still

>expected to WAIT on her hand and foot on her schedule. I can't

>plan a thing!

>I have NEVER done this in the past for her but in true BPD

>fashion she will

>not admit that I have helped her (or that she even needed any

>help during

>her recovery). She sees me as a 46 year old moocher / looser

>who couldn't

>make it on my own as a single woman who washed out, had to move

>home with

>Mommy and who now OWES her service! She often sights that " I am

>lucky to be

>here " when I try to set boundaries of any kind now that she has

>begun to

>recover (although step dad BEGGED me to move up and help them

>prior to the

>heart attack as she was a physical mess). I gave up my job,

>life and friends

>to come here to *help*. I can't say that I regret it as I have

>finally

>learned what the problem has been all along and a learning a

>lot about NPD /

>BPD. I am going to be in deep trouble if I don't move my own

>life along

>soon.

>

>The problem is that I DO live here and cant make a move until I

>get a job. I

>am having trouble getting chunks of time to job hunt. I am

>working with a

>career consultant who advises that I start volunteering for the

>professional

>associations to which I belong. He feels my only real issue

>getting a job

>has been that I don't have a network here and need to create

>one. This takes

>a lot of time, much of it around dinner time and probably will

>not be

>scheduled or on regular days. I somehow need to be freed up to

>do what I

>need to do. I am NOT in charge here and cant make plans as if I

>were. I just

>can't do this " wait on Nada " from 4 to 10pm, 7 days a week

>routine anymore.

>I could get her to agree to doing something else say two nights

>a week if it

>were planned. I fear that if what calls me away is not on the

>scheduled

>night there will be the big drama scene.

>

>Nada is a queen but is getting very waify these days. Teary and

>afraid to do

>anything because she thinks she going to have another heart

>attack.

>

>Anyway - anybody have any advice for me as to how to set some

>boundaries

>with a woman who sees it is my duty to wait on her? I really

>need to be able

>to do what I need to do now.

>

>Thanks,

>

>M

--

Katrina

July 31, 2012

Hello Katrina, Ash and :

Thanks so much for your replies.

I try to just take in what I read here and never go to the " Yah, But.. "

Thinking.

That being said:

Nada's main issue is NPD with much OCPD and some BPD.

I have always been treated like the " help " from birth. The dogs get spoken

to better than me, always.

I never understood all this and was living in SERIOUS FOG trying to get

mommy's love my whole adult life, beating my head on it actually (from 250

to 2000 miles away)

So, Nada is queen of her roost and dear lovely stepdad is a dishrag. He will

do anything to keep her quiet because she will sit at the kitchen table and

rant and rave screaming at the top of her lungs for hours and hours if she

doesn't like something. She is used to getting her way. She hates schedules

of any kind and will rebel if you suggest them.

I have tried having meals ready in the freezer (cook double and freeze half)

but this upsets her because cant choose what she feels like that night as if

in a restaurant AND sees that kind of food as leftovers. Dear lovely stepdad

is USELESS. She took care of him for 30 years and he has never put a spatula

on a pan during their entire marriage (or done anything else other than take

out the trash.. that is the ONLY thing he does). I now understand this was

part of her CONTROLLING her every surrounding. If she did it, it was the way

she wanted it. Period. So, part of the Nada routine is that eating is a 1.5

hour adventure every night of the week. She eats very very slowly and must

have at least three courses, seven nights a week. Everybody is required to

sit at the table while she eats but are not allowed to talk at all as she

watches " her shows " while she eats. This house is dysfunction junction!

Ash - I loved your observation that her thinking that I am a looser is

projection. That may be true to some degree but I think it is more that I am

not a person she can brag about with all I am doing and how wonderful I am

at the moment (I AM 46 and living in my mother's hall... albeit it was done

for her benefit which she will not recognize and reminds me regularly how

embarrassing I am - NPD!!!!!!!!!!!!! I also liked this one .. " It is

somehow deeply funny to me that she says, " You're lucky to be here, " like

there's no greater honor than waiting on her... " I think this myself all

time, like I am on a lavish vacation waiting on her hand and foot, doing 14

loads of laundry a week, all the cleaning and gardening, all the shopping

and pet care.with no social life or outlet. It is SHE that is lucky I am

here! But she will never see it that way. She CAN NOT admit that she needs

anything from anybody, I think she fears feeling like she then OWES

anything.

As far as closing a door goes. no good. I live in a mud room with no door

that has the access to the cellar and holds her closets. One of her favorite

tricks is to come in and out of my " mud room " at all hours of the day or

night going in and out of her closets over and over with no announcement or

apologies. She does this most when I step out of line.

She has a lot of trouble walking but needs to walk to get stronger so she

can walk better. She would do this easily if she would use a cane for a

while so she could get more walking done and be less shaky. But she says " my

psyche will not allow me to use a cane " . So she would rather not get

stronger and walk better vs. using a cane for a bit. I do suspect the

dementia is setting in too as her cognitive abilities are going. She is

having a harder and harder time doing things on the computer that she has

always done. like logging into the bank, etc. She is also starting to have

insane mood swings and getting quite waify (which I suspect is part of the

control thing too, act helpless and get my way).

The bottom line is that she has made a lifetime career of having her way and

truly believes that offspring are property (true NPD). Everybody around her

feeds in (including me until recently, I only just found out what was really

wrong with her 3 mos ago). If I rebel or set boundaries of any kind she

creates a household of hell so bad you consider sleeping in your car. I will

move from here eventually and our relationship will look very different as I

very much plan to go LC then. But until that time I am still under this roof

and have to walk on eggshells to a large degree to keep peace and keep her

quiet (also for 71 year old stepdad). She will go to extreme measures to get

her way. At one point she was threatening to report elder abuse to the

authorities because I was no being compliant enough for her. (I did figure

out recently that she will go to almost any length to get her way which is

why everybody around her bends down to not bring on the wrath) This

situation sucks.

For now I am going to start cooking double again and having meals ready in

the freezer when they are needed. This cant go on forever as I am the one

who will end up in the Looney bin.

Thanks for the replies, advise and thanks for letting me rant. I helps me to

think it thru if I write it out..

M-

From: WTOAdultChildren1

[mailto:WTOAdultChildren1 ] On Behalf Of Katrina

Sent: Tuesday, July 31, 2012 1:59 PM

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Subject: Re: Need some advice how to set some

boundaries.

M,

Just because she wants things the way they are doesn't mean they

have to be that way. I agree with both and Ash. I think

you need to set a schedule for dinner. If she's not ready to eat

at that time, you can leave a plate of food for her and she can

reheat it. Leaving prepared meals ready to heat for times when

you don't want to stay home and serve her sounds fine too.

Why do you have to wait on her the way you've been doing? Does

she have other physcial problems beyond having had a heart

attack? Does she suffer from dementia that makes it unsafe for

her to try to use the kitchen? If not, there's probably no

reason you should have to always prepare her meals to begin

with. Having her reheat meals you've prepared would make a good

first stop towards her preparing some of her own meals.

At 10:35 AM 07/31/2012 Manning wrote:

>As I have posted in the past, I got caught up in serious FOG

>and moved here

>to care for Nada at step dads request 1.5 years ago. I only

>learned of

>Nada's BPD /NPD issues since I got back up here. after being

>away (250 miles

>or more) for 25 years. All my life was looking for only

>alcoholic issues

>support and have learned Nadas issues are far more NPD / BPD

>than mere

>alcoholism.

>

>Anyway. Nada had a heart attack last year, right after I got

>here. Since

>then she has become COMPLETELY dependent on me for all home

>services and

>meals (which are upon her request, we don't have a set dinner

>time. We eat

>when she is ready, could be 6pm, could be 9pm, or anytime in

>between. She

>has diet restrictions so meals have to be just so, include a

>protein, veggie

>and starch, no processed food. And meals must include fresh

>salad with the

>works. peppers, mushrooms, celery, radishes, pea pods, etc)

>. I am now 46

>and need to get back to my own life. I am looking for work but

>am still

>expected to WAIT on her hand and foot on her schedule. I can't

>plan a thing!

>I have NEVER done this in the past for her but in true BPD

>fashion she will

>not admit that I have helped her (or that she even needed any

>help during

>her recovery). She sees me as a 46 year old moocher / looser

>who couldn't

>make it on my own as a single woman who washed out, had to move

>home with

>Mommy and who now OWES her service! She often sights that " I am

>lucky to be

>here " when I try to set boundaries of any kind now that she has

>begun to

>recover (although step dad BEGGED me to move up and help them

>prior to the

>heart attack as she was a physical mess). I gave up my job,

>life and friends

>to come here to *help*. I can't say that I regret it as I have

>finally

>learned what the problem has been all along and a learning a

>lot about NPD /

>BPD. I am going to be in deep trouble if I don't move my own

>life along

>soon.

>

>The problem is that I DO live here and cant make a move until I

>get a job. I

>am having trouble getting chunks of time to job hunt. I am

>working with a

>career consultant who advises that I start volunteering for the

>professional

>associations to which I belong. He feels my only real issue

>getting a job

>has been that I don't have a network here and need to create

>one. This takes

>a lot of time, much of it around dinner time and probably will

>not be

>scheduled or on regular days. I somehow need to be freed up to

>do what I

>need to do. I am NOT in charge here and cant make plans as if I

>were. I just

>can't do this " wait on Nada " from 4 to 10pm, 7 days a week

>routine anymore.

>I could get her to agree to doing something else say two nights

>a week if it

>were planned. I fear that if what calls me away is not on the

>scheduled

>night there will be the big drama scene.

>

>Nada is a queen but is getting very waify these days. Teary and

>afraid to do

>anything because she thinks she going to have another heart

>attack.

>

>Anyway - anybody have any advice for me as to how to set some

>boundaries

>with a woman who sees it is my duty to wait on her? I really

>need to be able

>to do what I need to do now.

>

>Thanks,

>

>M

--

Katrina

July 31, 2012

Hi ,

That is truly rough. I was actually thinking the front door...You could also

try noise-canceling headphones. I can imagine all of the nastiness she could

drum up, but it is interesting how people's behavior changes once it stops

getting them what they want. The other thing is you don't have to really not be

bothered by her behavior. You just have to be able to fake not being bothered.

The reason I think she's projecting is that a different npd would be in absolute

heaven right now, and would be bragging to friends about what a dutiful daughter

you are and how you attend to her every need, how you've given up your job to be

with her and look after her, and gosh how she raised you right--not like some

other people's daughters...I bet she does think she owes you something and

that's why she treats you with such contempt--she's trying to get out from under

that feeling.

Your comment about her refusing to use a cane reminds me of what my physical

therapist said when I asked her how she deals with the clients who won't do

their homework. " They just get a frozen shoulder, " she said. I liked her

attitude. It didn't stress her at all. They didn't want to get better, so they

didn't. Not her problem.

Anyway, good luck. I wish you all the best in this. It sounds like you're

going to need it!

Take care,

Ashana

July 31, 2012

Hi Ashana:

Thanks for turning that on its head for me. It's a good point you make about

how an NPD would see it.

So maybe she is not so much NPD and more pure BPD queen?

Whatever..

Thanks for the support.

From: WTOAdultChildren1

[mailto:WTOAdultChildren1 ] On Behalf Of Ash

Sent: Tuesday, July 31, 2012 3:41 PM

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Subject: Re: Need some advice how to set some boundar

Hi ,

That is truly rough. I was actually thinking the front door...You could also

try noise-canceling headphones. I can imagine all of the nastiness she could

drum up, but it is interesting how people's behavior changes once it stops

getting them what they want. The other thing is you don't have to really not

be bothered by her behavior. You just have to be able to fake not being

bothered.

The reason I think she's projecting is that a different npd would be in

absolute heaven right now, and would be bragging to friends about what a

dutiful daughter you are and how you attend to her every need, how you've

given up your job to be with her and look after her, and gosh how she raised

you right--not like some other people's daughters...I bet she does think she

owes you something and that's why she treats you with such contempt--she's

trying to get out from under that feeling.

Your comment about her refusing to use a cane reminds me of what my physical

therapist said when I asked her how she deals with the clients who won't do

their homework. " They just get a frozen shoulder, " she said. I liked her

attitude. It didn't stress her at all. They didn't want to get better, so

they didn't. Not her problem.

Anyway, good luck. I wish you all the best in this. It sounds like you're

going to need it!

Take care,

Ashana

July 31, 2012

Hi ,

I just meant that a different npd with different ways of seeing things would be

getting massive amounts of happy-making supply right now--the opportunity to use

this as a way to feed grandiosity is totally there. It seems to me she's seeing

it this way because of her feelings about dependency, and not because of your

failure to deliver supply. The npd is definitely there...Way over-the-top

there...

Take care,

Ashana

>

> Hi Ashana:

>

> Thanks for turning that on its head for me. It's a good point you make about

> how an NPD would see it.

>

> So maybe she is not so much NPD and more pure BPD queen?

>

> Whatever..

>

> Thanks for the support.

>

> From: WTOAdultChildren1

> [mailto:WTOAdultChildren1 ] On Behalf Of Ash

> Sent: Tuesday, July 31, 2012 3:41 PM

> To: WTOAdultChildren1

> Subject: Re: Need some advice how to set some boundar

>

> Hi ,

>

> That is truly rough. I was actually thinking the front door...You could also

> try noise-canceling headphones. I can imagine all of the nastiness she could

> drum up, but it is interesting how people's behavior changes once it stops

> getting them what they want. The other thing is you don't have to really not

> be bothered by her behavior. You just have to be able to fake not being

> bothered.

>

> The reason I think she's projecting is that a different npd would be in

> absolute heaven right now, and would be bragging to friends about what a

> dutiful daughter you are and how you attend to her every need, how you've

> given up your job to be with her and look after her, and gosh how she raised

> you right--not like some other people's daughters...I bet she does think she

> owes you something and that's why she treats you with such contempt--she's

> trying to get out from under that feeling.

>

> Your comment about her refusing to use a cane reminds me of what my physical

> therapist said when I asked her how she deals with the clients who won't do

> their homework. " They just get a frozen shoulder, " she said. I liked her

> attitude. It didn't stress her at all. They didn't want to get better, so

> they didn't. Not her problem.

>

> Anyway, good luck. I wish you all the best in this. It sounds like you're

> going to need it!

>

> Take care,

> Ashana

>

July 31, 2012

Ashana - OK - thanks.

Nada's are funny (not haha) people.. Sigh

From: WTOAdultChildren1

[mailto:WTOAdultChildren1 ] On Behalf Of Ash

Sent: Tuesday, July 31, 2012 4:56 PM

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Subject: Re: Need some advice how to set some

boundaries.

Hi ,

I just meant that a different npd with different ways of seeing things would

be getting massive amounts of happy-making supply right now--the opportunity

to use this as a way to feed grandiosity is totally there. It seems to me

she's seeing it this way because of her feelings about dependency, and not

because of your failure to deliver supply. The npd is definitely there...Way

over-the-top there...

Take care,

Ashana

>

> Hi Ashana:

>

> Thanks for turning that on its head for me. It's a good point you make

about

> how an NPD would see it.

>

> So maybe she is not so much NPD and more pure BPD queen?

>

> Whatever..

>

> Thanks for the support.

>

> From: WTOAdultChildren1

> [mailto:WTOAdultChildren1

] On Behalf Of Ash

> Sent: Tuesday, July 31, 2012 3:41 PM

> To: WTOAdultChildren1

> Subject: Re: Need some advice how to set some boundar

>

> Hi ,

>

> That is truly rough. I was actually thinking the front door...You could

also

> try noise-canceling headphones. I can imagine all of the nastiness she

could

> drum up, but it is interesting how people's behavior changes once it stops

> getting them what they want. The other thing is you don't have to really

not

> be bothered by her behavior. You just have to be able to fake not being

> bothered.

>

> The reason I think she's projecting is that a different npd would be in

> absolute heaven right now, and would be bragging to friends about what a

> dutiful daughter you are and how you attend to her every need, how you've

> given up your job to be with her and look after her, and gosh how she

raised

> you right--not like some other people's daughters...I bet she does think

she

> owes you something and that's why she treats you with such contempt--she's

> trying to get out from under that feeling.

>

> Your comment about her refusing to use a cane reminds me of what my

physical

> therapist said when I asked her how she deals with the clients who won't

do

> their homework. " They just get a frozen shoulder, " she said. I liked her

> attitude. It didn't stress her at all. They didn't want to get better, so

> they didn't. Not her problem.

>

> Anyway, good luck. I wish you all the best in this. It sounds like you're

> going to need it!

>

> Take care,

> Ashana

>

August 1, 2012

Maybe it will help strengthen you to remember that just as you chose to move

into your parent's home to help out, you can also choose to move out again. If

you think of it that way, that what you are experiencing now is temporary,

perhaps you can start actively planning ways to extricate yourself. That's

great that you are working with a career consultant, that can only help. Both

my younger Sister and I have been through hard times before, but what helped

each of us was being willing and able to take even low-paying, part-time jobs

just to be able to save up a little money over time, in order to take the next

step to achieve a career goal.

Small but concrete steps toward a goal over time can feel very encouraging.

I wish you the best. The bad news: your mother will not change the way she

thinks, feels and behaves because she doesn't wish to; she likes being the

Queen and having you and her husband jump at her command out of fear and out of

dependence on her financially. But the good news is that you CAN change

yourself and how you respond to being abused. It won't be easy, in fact its

very difficult to set and maintain boundaries and it carries some risk (possibly

being ejected before you are ready to leave) but only you can decide what you

will and will not tolerate.

Have you read the short article on " Medium Chill " ? Its a way of distancing

yourself emotionally from abusive people. Perhaps that will help you. You can

find it at message #132289 here at this Group.

I also suggest the books " Toxic Parents " , " Codependent No More " and " Boundaries "

might help.

-Annie

>

> As I have posted in the past, I got caught up in serious FOG and moved here

> to care for Nada at step dads request 1.5 years ago. I only learned of

> Nada's BPD /NPD issues since I got back up here. after being away (250 miles

> or more) for 25 years. All my life was looking for only alcoholic issues

> support and have learned Nadas issues are far more NPD / BPD than mere

> alcoholism.

>

> Anyway. Nada had a heart attack last year, right after I got here. Since

> then she has become COMPLETELY dependent on me for all home services and

> meals (which are upon her request, we don't have a set dinner time. We eat

> when she is ready, could be 6pm, could be 9pm, or anytime in between. She

> has diet restrictions so meals have to be just so, include a protein, veggie

> and starch, no processed food. And meals must include fresh salad with the

> works. peppers, mushrooms, celery, radishes, pea pods, etc) . I am now 46

> and need to get back to my own life. I am looking for work but am still

> expected to WAIT on her hand and foot on her schedule. I can't plan a thing!

> I have NEVER done this in the past for her but in true BPD fashion she will

> not admit that I have helped her (or that she even needed any help during

> her recovery). She sees me as a 46 year old moocher / looser who couldn't

> make it on my own as a single woman who washed out, had to move home with

> Mommy and who now OWES her service! She often sights that " I am lucky to be

> here " when I try to set boundaries of any kind now that she has begun to

> recover (although step dad BEGGED me to move up and help them prior to the