Upcoming surgery

[Guest guest]

Hi all

I'm having a very benign surgery this week. Yes, I'll be knocked out but it's

literally a 20 minute procedure. Parents are INSISTING on coming up to visit.

They say I need the help and are freaking out, see me as a helpless little

creature in need of them. Pushing them away would be the biggest insult to their

life. I will be fine...I can take care of myself and I have friends around here.

They do not know the date of the surgery and haven't mentioned it in a while.

Although, they do know it's within the next few weeks and I " m sure it will come

up in conversation soon.

How do I tell them no? Without them freaking out and getting offended? Honestly,

we've had a ton of flare ups over the past few months and I do NOT feel safe

around them. I want to be honest and I don't know how. At the same time, they'll

be super concerned if they don't know how surgery went...but if I tell them

there's the risk of them coming up. They know it is going to happen and I don't

know how to channel the convo when they ask, and how to deal with not telling

them when it happens if I decide to do that. It's for my safety...and I see

their concerns as parents but it's not a " normal " relationship in the sense of

what a parent-child relationship is, as you know.

[Guest guest]

Um not to be blunt, but...LIE! Tell them it is in three weeks or four and then

AFTER the surgery, you can call them and say the surgeon called you with an

earlier opening that worked well with YOUR schedule and that you nabbed it. It

was all last minute and wow, everything went off without a hitch. What BP's

don't know, won't hurt them. You can always let your friends that are going to

be there for you have their number " IN CASE OF EMERGENCY " and explain what

constitutes your idea of an emergency. Like a bad reaction to the anesthesia and

you don't wake up! C

>

> Hi all

>

> I'm having a very benign surgery this week. Yes, I'll be knocked out but it's

literally a 20 minute procedure. Parents are INSISTING on coming up to visit.

They say I need the help and are freaking out, see me as a helpless little

creature in need of them. Pushing them away would be the biggest insult to their

life. I will be fine...I can take care of myself and I have friends around here.

>

> They do not know the date of the surgery and haven't mentioned it in a while.

Although, they do know it's within the next few weeks and I " m sure it will come

up in conversation soon.

>

> How do I tell them no? Without them freaking out and getting offended?

Honestly, we've had a ton of flare ups over the past few months and I do NOT

feel safe around them. I want to be honest and I don't know how. At the same

time, they'll be super concerned if they don't know how surgery went...but if I

tell them there's the risk of them coming up. They know it is going to happen

and I don't know how to channel the convo when they ask, and how to deal with

not telling them when it happens if I decide to do that. It's for my

safety...and I see their concerns as parents but it's not a " normal "

relationship in the sense of what a parent-child relationship is, as you know.

>

[Guest guest]

In this case, I suggest you simply lie.

Tell them that your procedure been pushed back for a few months. You're not

going in until... the middle of November. Or maybe January.

Then have your surgery in peace and privacy. Long after you are completely

recovered, the next time they ask about it, just say casually, " Oh, I forgot to

tell you, they changed the date on me again. I already had it done; no problem.

Piece of cake, I'm all better now. Is there something else you wanted to talk

with me about? "

I call it " information management. " What they don't know won't upset and

agitate them.

-Annie

>

> Hi all

>

> I'm having a very benign surgery this week. Yes, I'll be knocked out but it's

literally a 20 minute procedure. Parents are INSISTING on coming up to visit.

They say I need the help and are freaking out, see me as a helpless little

creature in need of them. Pushing them away would be the biggest insult to their

life. I will be fine...I can take care of myself and I have friends around here.

>

> They do not know the date of the surgery and haven't mentioned it in a while.

Although, they do know it's within the next few weeks and I " m sure it will come

up in conversation soon.

>

> How do I tell them no? Without them freaking out and getting offended?

Honestly, we've had a ton of flare ups over the past few months and I do NOT

feel safe around them. I want to be honest and I don't know how. At the same

time, they'll be super concerned if they don't know how surgery went...but if I

tell them there's the risk of them coming up. They know it is going to happen

and I don't know how to channel the convo when they ask, and how to deal with

not telling them when it happens if I decide to do that. It's for my

safety...and I see their concerns as parents but it's not a " normal "

relationship in the sense of what a parent-child relationship is, as you know.

>

[Guest guest]

AHA, Yours was the line I was trying to remember when writing my own reply.

Information management, What they don't know won't upset and agitate them! I DO

so love that. Thanks Annie.

> >

> > Hi all

> >

> > I'm having a very benign surgery this week. Yes, I'll be knocked out but

it's literally a 20 minute procedure. Parents are INSISTING on coming up to

visit. They say I need the help and are freaking out, see me as a helpless

little creature in need of them. Pushing them away would be the biggest insult

to their life. I will be fine...I can take care of myself and I have friends

around here.

> >

> > They do not know the date of the surgery and haven't mentioned it in a

while. Although, they do know it's within the next few weeks and I " m sure it

will come up in conversation soon.

> >

> > How do I tell them no? Without them freaking out and getting offended?

Honestly, we've had a ton of flare ups over the past few months and I do NOT

feel safe around them. I want to be honest and I don't know how. At the same

time, they'll be super concerned if they don't know how surgery went...but if I

tell them there's the risk of them coming up. They know it is going to happen

and I don't know how to channel the convo when they ask, and how to deal with

not telling them when it happens if I decide to do that. It's for my

safety...and I see their concerns as parents but it's not a " normal "

relationship in the sense of what a parent-child relationship is, as you know.

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Hey, you're welcome; we're on the same wavelength, thumb's up!

" Information management " worked well enough for me under certain conditions

similar to the circumstances you are facing, newline, and it has worked for

you too apparently, Cme, so we might as well offer you that as an option to

consider, newlife.

As self-supporting, independent adults we have the simple adult human right to

privacy. We do not owe it to our parents to inform them of every action or

thought we engage in, we do not owe them a detailed itinerary of where we have

been or where we are going, who we are going to visit, for how long, or how we

spend our money, etc.

We DID owe them that kind of intimate, personal knowledge when we were minor

children and they were responsible for our safety, when they made important

decisions for us, but personality-disordered parents seem unable to make that

mental adjustment and accept that: " my child is an adult now, and I need to

*respect* that he or she is an independent, responsible, self-supporting adult. "

Back when I was a post-grad with my first well-paying job and my own apartment,

I had to have a really upsetting, stomach-churning, blood-pressure-raising

*fight* (verbal fight) with my nada regarding my right to choose how I would

decorate my own place using my own money, if you can believe it. She actually

felt she had the right to tell me what to buy, and was badly upset with me when

I didn't want to buy what she wanted me to. And I don't mean a little upset, I

mean she behaved as though I'd told her I wish she'd die or something equally

horrific. But that's bpd for you: black and white thinking. I guess in nada's

mind, if I didn't care for her taste in furniture, that was the same as wishing

her dead. Just " Holy Freaking Cow " is all I can say. Honestly.

Its so, SO incredibly difficult and draining and stress-inducing to have a

genuine, open, real relationship with someone under those conditions. Truly,

attempting to have a relationship with my nada was the very definition of

" walking on eggshells. " Gah! Its starting to give me a headache just thinking

about those times.

-Annie

>

> AHA, Yours was the line I was trying to remember when writing my own reply.

Information management, What they don't know won't upset and agitate them! I DO

so love that. Thanks Annie.

[Guest guest]

Ah, YES! My brother and I used to remind each other " what mom (nada) doesn't

know won't hurt us. " We were 8 and 10 when we first started saying that.

Yikes.

> >

> > AHA, Yours was the line I was trying to remember when writing my own reply.

Information management, What they don't know won't upset and agitate them! I DO

so love that. Thanks Annie.

>

[Guest guest]

Uggghh, they sound so much like my parents were, when my dad was alive

(although, really, my mother is the one to insist on stuff like this).

I know this isn't a direct way to handle it, but...can you tell them you decided

not to have it done? Or maybe if you don't mention it again, they'll forget?

I *hated* it after my kids were born -- I mean, I get the desire to see

grandchildren, but I hated the criticism of how I was holding my baby or how I

was underdressing her, etc. I hated the ramped-up anxiety; it was less joyful

and more stress.

Best wishes!

Fiona

>

> Hi all

>

> I'm having a very benign surgery this week. Yes, I'll be knocked out but it's

literally a 20 minute procedure. Parents are INSISTING on coming up to visit.

They say I need the help and are freaking out, see me as a helpless little

creature in need of them. Pushing them away would be the biggest insult to their

life. I will be fine...I can take care of myself and I have friends around here.

>

> They do not know the date of the surgery and haven't mentioned it in a while.

Although, they do know it's within the next few weeks and I " m sure it will come

up in conversation soon.

>

> How do I tell them no? Without them freaking out and getting offended?

Honestly, we've had a ton of flare ups over the past few months and I do NOT

feel safe around them. I want to be honest and I don't know how. At the same

time, they'll be super concerned if they don't know how surgery went...but if I

tell them there's the risk of them coming up. They know it is going to happen

and I don't know how to channel the convo when they ask, and how to deal with

not telling them when it happens if I decide to do that. It's for my

safety...and I see their concerns as parents but it's not a " normal "

relationship in the sense of what a parent-child relationship is, as you know.

>

[Guest guest]

If they ask about it you can say " I'll let you know when I'm

going to need your help " .They don't need to know when it is

happening. They don't have any right to demand that you tell

them and they certainly don't have any right to demand to visit

at a time like that. You're an adult and your personal business

is not their business any more. Yes, they'll be upset and

probably act out when you stop telling them things that they

have no right to hear, but in the long run you'll be better

off. If they insist on pursuing the issue you have the right to

ignore them and change the subject or end the conversation.

Hanging up the phone works really well in ending in appropriate

conversations.

In this particular situation you might have to lie about the

date if their demands are too hard for you to deal with since

they already know about the surgery. (If you haven't been

standing up to them, suddenly doing so can be very hard.) In

general, I believe in telling as few lies as necessary but

sometimes the other options are worse. Having them show up when

you've had surgery is probably worse than having to deal with

them finding out that you lied about the date later when you're

better able to deal with them. In the future, I'd recommend not

talking to them much about health issues and definitely not

about having surgery unless there's some reason you need to

discuss it with them. Nadas and fadas are good at using anything

against you that they can. If you don't give them any personal

information, it can't be used against you. I find that the

weather is usually a safe topic of conversation with my nada.

At 10:19 PM 08/03/2012 newlife9871 wrote:

>Hi all

>

>I'm having a very benign surgery this week. Yes, I'll be

>knocked out but it's literally a 20 minute procedure. Parents

>are INSISTING on coming up to visit. They say I need the help

>and are freaking out, see me as a helpless little creature in

>need of them. Pushing them away would be the biggest insult to

>their life. I will be fine...I can take care of myself and I

>have friends around here.

>

>They do not know the date of the surgery and haven't mentioned

>it in a while. Although, they do know it's within the next few

>weeks and I " m sure it will come up in conversation soon.

>

>How do I tell them no? Without them freaking out and getting

>offended? Honestly, we've had a ton of flare ups over the past

>few months and I do NOT feel safe around them. I want to be

>honest and I don't know how. At the same time, they'll be super

>concerned if they don't know how surgery went...but if I tell

>them there's the risk of them coming up. They know it is going

>to happen and I don't know how to channel the convo when they

>ask, and how to deal with not telling them when it happens if I

>decide to do that. It's for my safety...and I see their

>concerns as parents but it's not a " normal " relationship in the

>sense of what a parent-child relationship is, as you know.

>

--

Katrina

[Guest guest]

You are actually asking 2 different questions. May I help clarify?

How do I tell them no?

Mom, dad, I do not want you to be here when I have surgery. I do not

want you here afterward when I am recuperating. I m all grown up and

haired over, and I do not need or want my parents around right now. If

you come, I will not permit you to visit in the hospital. I will not

let you in if you come to the house. I m the one dealing with surgery,

so what I want trumps what you want. Don t come.

How do I tell them without freaking them out? It will be the greatest

insult of their lives, ect.

Not your problem. At all. They need to grow up, but it is not your

place to make them do so. If they take offense at a simple, no thanks,

don t need any help, then they have a problem. If they freak out at the

answer, they have a problem. But FOG is at work here. You are not

obligated to fix thier problems. Nor can you, but they can, and will,

and apparently ARE manipulating you through your experience on how they

react to things. Stop Walking on EGGSHELLS.

The answer is no thanks, I don t need you here. This is NOT normal

concern as a parent. This is FOG. What they do after they hear no, don

t come is not your problem. You only have one problem. And you know

the answer. It is NO.

Doug

[Guest guest]

Thanks so much all.

I really appreciate the suggestions..

Unfortunately they do know I'm getting surgery and that it is during this month.

They haven't brought it up at all but random family members I haven't talked to

in years are asking so I think they set up some little spies for me..sigh.

What I told one family member yesterday, who asked about the date, was that way

too many people know about the surgery, it's getting too hyped up & stressing me

out, and I don't want people to be rushing up to help afterwards since I'll

really be fine on my own(although I appreciate they care etc). So I'm going to

not disclose the date and I will let people, including my parents, know when I'm

out of surgery.

This is the tricky part. I am defining " out of surgery " as any day afterward. I

plan on telling them several days later so they don't come rushing up here on a

weekend, or interrogate me about everything that happened when I'm still high on

anesthesia...it will be more difficult for them to pack their bags and come

running to visit then, since I'd tell them right after the weekend. And by then,

if they do insist on visiting I will be in a much better and healthier place to

say no. I do feel terrible for lying, but as most of the rest of you

said...there unfortunately aren't many better options.

The suggestion of " I'll definitely let you know if I need extra help " could be a

good one to use on them...so they don't feel incredibly insulted by me saying

no, but they still feel included as an option. Ugh. Baby steps I guess...the

ideal is to not ever tell them, or not feel guilty at all for saying no, and

what I'd do in the past is tell them everything and invite them up for a week. I

think I am in between those two ends of the spectrum, and that's an improvement

of what I've done in the past.

>

[Guest guest]

Best wishes, newlife.

It stinks that something that you do not need more stress about (and as you

said, isn't major surgery), has turned into a stress-fest.

It almost sounds like an Everybody Loves episode. " I'll bring you a

lasagna for when you're out of surgery, dear! And then the whole family will

stay for a month! "

> >

>