New here, seeking advice...

[Guest guest]

Hi there,

I am new to this forum and am seeking advice. I am an adult daughter in my late

30s who is married and I have 1 child. We live in the same town as my mother

and after years of knowing something was seriously wrong with her without

knowing what it was, this past year I discovered that she has BPD. I began to

research BPD online and everything I read about it seems to be a description of

my mother jumping off the pages every time I read of common hallmarks of the

disorder. She is high functioning, intelligent and has refused therapy for

years(convinced everyone else was crazy), even though being constantly embroiled

in drama both at work and at home. It's a wonder she is able to keep her job!

However, I am growing very tired of the constant lies, emotional outbursts,

paranoia and alternate reality that she weaves in our family. She always gets

mad for imagined slights, however small where she believes I am working against

her or trying to make her look bad. And when she gets into one of her moods,

her emotional outbursts are almost uncontrollable and I have to suffer a barrage

of nasty messages, emails, or her showing up unnanounced in person to pick a

fight with me. These moods ebb and flow. Sometimes she can be so much fun to

be with and other times she is either depressed or just plain angry and mean.

I am growing very tired and don't know what to do! I am always cast in her

fantasy as the bad guy, since I set healthy boundaries to try protect my family.

My adult brother (age 30) lives at home with her and I suspect he has some

narcissistic tendencies, as they seem to feed off of each other. Their

relationship is so unhealthy and without boundaries that they appear to act

almost like a married couple instead of mother and son, but without any actual

sex stuff. All this has worsened since the sudden death of my father last year,

so I am sure she is still dealing with grief as well. My brother follows my

mother around in her delusions against me and when she is having one of her

episodes he goes right along with everything she says and attacks me as well

(emotionally not physically).

In the past, things have gotten physical with her, when I came to visit with my

newborn son, she fought with me over what baby food I was feeding him and

attacked me while I was feeding him in his high chair. I packed my bags and

bruises and left immediately and have never stayed at her house again. She has

attacked my brother in the same way on the rare ocasion that he has been the

target of her outbursts and regularly attacked my father while he was still

alive.

The most recent outburst started over an argument about whether or not people

would swim at a family party that she wanted to organize at her house. She

insists I am trying to control her and make her look bad by not agreeing to go

to the party. She insists that I am vindictive and sick and that in saying my

family could not attend her party I am trying to keep her grandson away from

her. She has taken these arguments to facebook and also has sent me nasty

emails and yelled at me.

When I called her and said I wanted the drama to stop because I am sick of

dealing with it and her antics and that it is not appropriate to rant on

facebook about me, it did no good and she now says I am " manipulative and trying

to control " her because I can't handle the truth (her version of " truth "

anyway). I told her for the millionth time that all these issues she mentioned

about me, we should discuss with a therapist and I was willing to go with her so

we could improve our relationship. She does not want to go to therapy because

she is convinced that I am to blame, that I am the one with the problem and she

has done nothing wrong.

I am at my wit's end, and beyond considering cutting her off completely from our

lives, I do not know what else to do. I have worked very hard to lead a normal

life in spite of growing up with her. Sometimes she still makes me question my

reality and it's hard to keep the facts straight when almost everything that

comes out of her mouth is a lie. She goads me into fighting with her, and when

I don't take the bait and instead try to set a boundary, she fires back by

saying as many hurtful things as she can spew to simply hurt me. I'm feeling

tired and worn down and my stress level is increasing from dealing with her.

Any suggestions are welcomed on how to deal with this.

Many thanks,

LC

[Guest guest]

Welcome,

So sorry you have to be here, but come over because you fit right in!

I'm in my late 30s daughter of a BPD mother (NADA.) I have three toddlers. My

situation was much like what you described. If you haven't run into the term

JADE it's a way to remember how to keep your cool and not engage or lose the

control. Justify, Argue, Deny, Engage. You don't have to. I find that keeping

this in mind while holding my boundaries helps me maintain control while she

continually tries to trigger me and create chaos.

I just don't go there anymore. I'm also limited contact and just don't include

her (don't allow her to enmesh) as much any longer. It's not the relationship I

expected in life with my mother in life. It's not ideal by any means, but it's

MUCH better than the rollercoaster cycle.

I hope you find this group helpful and as comforting as I have found it. Wish

you the best!