Guest guest Posted July 29, 2012 Report Share Posted July 29, 2012 I just need to get this out. I have moved and lost my therapist I don't like my new one and am headed out of town before I can get to someone to process all of this, I just need to vent. I have been keeping my distance from my family with some success for some time now. I am separated from my husband and we are doing a great job co-parenting and working to maintain a healthy relationship for our children. He sees my family drama and is very supportive. He has heard (because she didn't know she was on speaker phone) my mother rage at me and say things like " I'm not your mother anymore " and was shocked! My brother (the good one) and his wife (who has bpd behaviors if nothing else)totally support my mother and feel that we (my ex and I) are the ones with the problem. They believe everything (lies) she tells them and I am always the " bad one " . My ex attempted to " reason " with my brother explaining that he heard with his own ears what was said and that my mother was in fact lying to my brother and my brother would not hear of it. My ex was yelled at and hung up on by him with his wife screaming in the background. (So that is some back story) I needed a night off. I have my children 24/7 and only get a weekend off every three weeks and I have to drive 16 hrs to get that. My children do love their grandmother and she has not yet done anything that would cause them actual harm so they spent the night with her on Friday night. Saturday morning my children called me at 6:45am (after calling my ex at 6:30am) we have talked to my mom about not letting them use the phone so early, plus it really isn't giving me that much of a break if I don't get even an hour to sleep in when I told her I was picking them up at 8:30am. I again reminded her that it is not socially acceptable for them to use the phone that early and even though they want to we have to teach them how to control themselves. Her answer, " fine! " and then I knew it. I was in trouble. When I went to get them I was gonna get it and I did. She looked me in the eyes and said, " I try to see you as God's perfect child. That perfect little girl you used to be. " I stopped her. " I am not that little girl anymore. " She said, " I know when I look at you it is like watching a horror movie! " That line and her face saying it keep hurting me. As a mother I just can not fathom being so hurtful to my child, I can't imagine saying that to a stranger! There were other awful things that morning, but that was the worst. Every time I used the things I have learned from SWOE she would change the subject and start in on some new hurtful topic. She is very smart and has been doing this for years. I am so new at realizing it all she can still club me over the head and spin me around with her hurtful cutting comments. I just can't seem to not get sucked in. I know that she is going to hurt me. I know that she is going to twist things. I am finally able to walk away. When she said, " No, I don't want to hear it, I don't want to understand. " Then I got it, those words are the key! They make me stop trying. I am leaving town this week and then school is starting. She had hurt me so I did trigger her. I said " Hug grandma kids I don't know when you will see her again. " (I did it to hurt her back. I knew that was not right. I knew she would hear abandonment.) But then she told my children (5 1/2 and 7) when she hugged them goodbye that she would NEVER see them again. They told me this in bed that night. I told them that grandma had said some things to hurt me today. They said, " Yes, she said she would never see us again. " I said, " Well, that is not true! Of course that is not true. We are going to camp and then school is starting, but you will see her at some time. We just don't know what day. " They both laughed and said, " Yeah, that is silly. " So I just start feeling better about all of that and... (Little more back story)My SIL hung up on me in May because she said I was " blaming her baby for my choices " (no need to elaborate because I can't even begin to explain that crazy) anyway I did not hear from her again until Monday when she called to tell me she wanted my children and I to be in a family picture on Sunday (today). Her father was dying and she wanted us all to take one last picture with her 6 month old son. She then requested that my ex (who lives 9 hrs drive away and we are not together) come to be in the picture. I said, " We are separated. " She said, " Well, I want everyone included. I heard you were getting back together. " I said, " I don't know where you heard that. But we are not together and he lives in MN. " She said dismissing me, " I don't really care about what is going on with you. It is none of my business. I just want you to be in this picture. I want everyone to be in the picture just ask him. " She then told me what we would have to wear and when I expressed I would have to go shopping she said, " well, I want it that way so I will buy the kid clothes if I have to. " (two options but she would not commit to one so when we hung up I still had no idea what I was supposed to have on the children and myself to make her happy.) Wednesday my brother called to cancel the photo shoot and said her father would not make it. I said I was sorry and asked if there was anything I could do and then asked that he keep me informed. He said okay. Sadly her father did pass yesterday. I found out from my ex who saw it on facebook today. I looked it up and then texted my brother. He said yes and the service will be this Friday. My children and I are going out of town on Thursday. My son is going to camp for the first time and I am working there. It is a commitment we have been planning and paid for this trip for a year. I expressed my condolences and said that we would not be able to be there but wanted to send flowers. My brother got mad. " Don't you think you can leave a day later it was her father for crying out loud. " (Well, actually it is two days later and no, I can't drive three states away by myself with two children and still make it in time.) This may sound heartless, but I didn't even make the list of people they told he had passed. I heard it from my ex from facebook! My children are dealing with enough without having to teach them about death in an environment of such drama and where I am sure to be found " bad " and " wrong " and used as the scapegoat for their pain. I feel for her. My dad died when I was 23. I get it, but she came right out Monday and said she didn't care about me and my life. Also, at every funeral I have been to with this woman she has treated me poorly. At one funeral she raged at me, at another she told me I was being silly because I was upset about hearing from my dad's best friend that he and my dad got me passed out drunk when I was 3 years old. When she is in pain with the death of her father why would I put myself in the line of fire? I will deal with hurtful behavior if I go and I will deal with a terrible backlash when I don't. People don't understand when a person is " normal " in their other walks of life but saves all the " crazy " for you. Why you make the choices you make. I am finally in a place to take care of myself and my kids, but from the outside I look selfish for keeping my distance and doing what is best for us and I know I will be vilified for taking care of myself and my family, but if I go I will be treated poorly. I can't win! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 4, 2012 Report Share Posted August 4, 2012 You're right - you can't win. The only way to win with someone who has BPD is to not play at all. It sounds like you are making good decisions for yourself and not letting them walk all over you. If they choose to think that's being selfish, leave them to stew in their own juices. You don't have to listen to them if you don't want to. At 12:19 AM 07/30/2012 alice12777 wrote: >I just need to get this out. I have moved and lost my therapist >I don't like my new one and am headed out of town before I can >get to someone to process all of this, I just need to vent. > >I have been keeping my distance from my family with some >success for some time now. I am separated from my husband and >we are doing a great job co-parenting and working to maintain a >healthy relationship for our children. He sees my family drama >and is very supportive. He has heard (because she didn't know >she was on speaker phone) my mother rage at me and say things >like " I'm not your mother anymore " and was shocked! My brother >(the good one) and his wife (who has bpd behaviors if nothing >else)totally support my mother and feel that we (my ex and I) >are the ones with the problem. They believe everything (lies) >she tells them and I am always the " bad one " . My ex attempted >to " reason " with my brother explaining that he heard with his >own ears what was said and that my mother was in fact lying to >my brother and my brother would not hear of it. My ex was >yelled at and hung up on by him with his wife screaming in the >background. (So that is some back story) > >I needed a night off. I have my children 24/7 and only get a >weekend off every three weeks and I have to drive 16 hrs to get >that. My children do love their grandmother and she has not yet >done anything that would cause them actual harm so they spent >the night with her on Friday night. Saturday morning my >children called me at 6:45am (after calling my ex at 6:30am) we >have talked to my mom about not letting them use the phone so >early, plus it really isn't giving me that much of a break if I >don't get even an hour to sleep in when I told her I was >picking them up at 8:30am. I again reminded her that it is not >socially acceptable for them to use the phone that early and >even though they want to we have to teach them how to control >themselves. Her answer, " fine! " and then I knew it. I was in >trouble. When I went to get them I was gonna get it and I did. > >She looked me in the eyes and said, " I try to see you as God's >perfect child. That perfect little girl you used to be. " I >stopped her. " I am not that little girl anymore. " She said, " I >know when I look at you it is like watching a horror movie! " > >That line and her face saying it keep hurting me. As a mother I >just can not fathom being so hurtful to my child, I can't >imagine saying that to a stranger! There were other awful >things that morning, but that was the worst. Every time I used >the things I have learned from SWOE she would change the >subject and start in on some new hurtful topic. She is very >smart and has been doing this for years. I am so new at >realizing it all she can still club me over the head and spin >me around with her hurtful cutting comments. > >I just can't seem to not get sucked in. I know that she is >going to hurt me. I know that she is going to twist things. I >am finally able to walk away. When she said, " No, I don't want >to hear it, I don't want to understand. " Then I got it, those >words are the key! They make me stop trying. > >I am leaving town this week and then school is starting. She >had hurt me so I did trigger her. I said " Hug grandma kids I >don't know when you will see her again. " (I did it to hurt her >back. I knew that was not right. I knew she would hear >abandonment.) But then she told my children (5 1/2 and 7) when >she hugged them goodbye that she would NEVER see them again. >They told me this in bed that night. I told them that grandma >had said some things to hurt me today. They said, " Yes, she >said she would never see us again. " I said, " Well, that is not >true! Of course that is not true. We are going to camp and then >school is starting, but you will see her at some time. We just >don't know what day. " They both laughed and said, " Yeah, that >is silly. " > >So I just start feeling better about all of that and... > >(Little more back story)My SIL hung up on me in May because she >said I was " blaming her baby for my choices " (no need to >elaborate because I can't even begin to explain that crazy) >anyway I did not hear from her again until Monday when she >called to tell me she wanted my children and I to be in a >family picture on Sunday (today). Her father was dying and she >wanted us all to take one last picture with her 6 month old >son. She then requested that my ex (who lives 9 hrs drive away >and we are not together) come to be in the picture. I said, " We >are separated. " She said, " Well, I want everyone included. I >heard you were getting back together. " >I said, " I don't know where you heard that. But we are not >together and he lives in MN. " She said dismissing me, " I don't >really care about what is going on with you. It is none of my >business. I just want you to be in this picture. I want >everyone to be in the picture just ask him. " She then told me >what we would have to wear and when I expressed I would have to >go shopping she said, " well, I want it that way so I will buy >the kid clothes if I have to. " (two options but she would not >commit to one so when we hung up I still had no idea what I was >supposed to have on the children and myself to make her happy.) >Wednesday my brother called to cancel the photo shoot and said >her father would not make it. I said I was sorry and asked if >there was anything I could do and then asked that he keep me >informed. He said okay. >Sadly her father did pass yesterday. I found out from my ex who >saw it on facebook today. I looked it up and then texted my >brother. He said yes and the service will be this Friday. >My children and I are going out of town on Thursday. My son is >going to camp for the first time and I am working there. It is >a commitment we have been planning and paid for this trip for a >year. I expressed my condolences and said that we would not be >able to be there but wanted to send flowers. My brother got >mad. " Don't you think you can leave a day later it was her >father for crying out loud. " (Well, actually it is two days >later and no, I can't drive three states away by myself with >two children and still make it in time.) >This may sound heartless, but I didn't even make the list of >people they told he had passed. I heard it from my ex from >facebook! My children are dealing with enough without having to >teach them about death in an environment of such drama and >where I am sure to be found " bad " and " wrong " and used as the >scapegoat for their pain. I feel for her. My dad died when I >was 23. I get it, but she came right out Monday and said she >didn't care about me and my life. Also, at every funeral I have >been to with this woman she has treated me poorly. At one >funeral she raged at me, at another she told me I was being >silly because I was upset about hearing from my dad's best >friend that he and my dad got me passed out drunk when I was 3 >years old. When she is in pain with the death of her father why >would I put myself in the line of fire? >I will deal with hurtful behavior if I go and I will deal with >a terrible backlash when I don't. >People don't understand when a person is " normal " in their >other walks of life but saves all the " crazy " for you. Why you >make the choices you make. I am finally in a place to take care >of myself and my kids, but from the outside I look selfish for >keeping my distance and doing what is best for us and I know I >will be vilified for taking care of myself and my family, but >if I go I will be treated poorly. >I can't win! -- Katrina Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 4, 2012 Report Share Posted August 4, 2012 " The only way to win with someone who has BPD is to not play at all. " WELL SAID!!! > >I just need to get this out. I have moved and lost my therapist > >I don't like my new one and am headed out of town before I can > >get to someone to process all of this, I just need to vent. > > > >I have been keeping my distance from my family with some > >success for some time now. I am separated from my husband and > >we are doing a great job co-parenting and working to maintain a > >healthy relationship for our children. He sees my family drama > >and is very supportive. He has heard (because she didn't know > >she was on speaker phone) my mother rage at me and say things > >like " I'm not your mother anymore " and was shocked! My brother > >(the good one) and his wife (who has bpd behaviors if nothing > >else)totally support my mother and feel that we (my ex and I) > >are the ones with the problem. They believe everything (lies) > >she tells them and I am always the " bad one " . My ex attempted > >to " reason " with my brother explaining that he heard with his > >own ears what was said and that my mother was in fact lying to > >my brother and my brother would not hear of it. My ex was > >yelled at and hung up on by him with his wife screaming in the > >background. (So that is some back story) > > > >I needed a night off. I have my children 24/7 and only get a > >weekend off every three weeks and I have to drive 16 hrs to get > >that. My children do love their grandmother and she has not yet > >done anything that would cause them actual harm so they spent > >the night with her on Friday night. Saturday morning my > >children called me at 6:45am (after calling my ex at 6:30am) we > >have talked to my mom about not letting them use the phone so > >early, plus it really isn't giving me that much of a break if I > >don't get even an hour to sleep in when I told her I was > >picking them up at 8:30am. I again reminded her that it is not > >socially acceptable for them to use the phone that early and > >even though they want to we have to teach them how to control > >themselves. Her answer, " fine! " and then I knew it. I was in > >trouble. When I went to get them I was gonna get it and I did. > > > >She looked me in the eyes and said, " I try to see you as God's > >perfect child. That perfect little girl you used to be. " I > >stopped her. " I am not that little girl anymore. " She said, " I > >know when I look at you it is like watching a horror movie! " > > > >That line and her face saying it keep hurting me. As a mother I > >just can not fathom being so hurtful to my child, I can't > >imagine saying that to a stranger! There were other awful > >things that morning, but that was the worst. Every time I used > >the things I have learned from SWOE she would change the > >subject and start in on some new hurtful topic. She is very > >smart and has been doing this for years. I am so new at > >realizing it all she can still club me over the head and spin > >me around with her hurtful cutting comments. > > > >I just can't seem to not get sucked in. I know that she is > >going to hurt me. I know that she is going to twist things. I > >am finally able to walk away. When she said, " No, I don't want > >to hear it, I don't want to understand. " Then I got it, those > >words are the key! They make me stop trying. > > > >I am leaving town this week and then school is starting. She > >had hurt me so I did trigger her. I said " Hug grandma kids I > >don't know when you will see her again. " (I did it to hurt her > >back. I knew that was not right. I knew she would hear > >abandonment.) But then she told my children (5 1/2 and 7) when > >she hugged them goodbye that she would NEVER see them again. > >They told me this in bed that night. I told them that grandma > >had said some things to hurt me today. They said, " Yes, she > >said she would never see us again. " I said, " Well, that is not > >true! Of course that is not true. We are going to camp and then > >school is starting, but you will see her at some time. We just > >don't know what day. " They both laughed and said, " Yeah, that > >is silly. " > > > >So I just start feeling better about all of that and... > > > >(Little more back story)My SIL hung up on me in May because she > >said I was " blaming her baby for my choices " (no need to > >elaborate because I can't even begin to explain that crazy) > >anyway I did not hear from her again until Monday when she > >called to tell me she wanted my children and I to be in a > >family picture on Sunday (today). Her father was dying and she > >wanted us all to take one last picture with her 6 month old > >son. She then requested that my ex (who lives 9 hrs drive away > >and we are not together) come to be in the picture. I said, " We > >are separated. " She said, " Well, I want everyone included. I > >heard you were getting back together. " > >I said, " I don't know where you heard that. But we are not > >together and he lives in MN. " She said dismissing me, " I don't > >really care about what is going on with you. It is none of my > >business. I just want you to be in this picture. I want > >everyone to be in the picture just ask him. " She then told me > >what we would have to wear and when I expressed I would have to > >go shopping she said, " well, I want it that way so I will buy > >the kid clothes if I have to. " (two options but she would not > >commit to one so when we hung up I still had no idea what I was > >supposed to have on the children and myself to make her happy.) > >Wednesday my brother called to cancel the photo shoot and said > >her father would not make it. I said I was sorry and asked if > >there was anything I could do and then asked that he keep me > >informed. He said okay. > >Sadly her father did pass yesterday. I found out from my ex who > >saw it on facebook today. I looked it up and then texted my > >brother. He said yes and the service will be this Friday. > >My children and I are going out of town on Thursday. My son is > >going to camp for the first time and I am working there. It is > >a commitment we have been planning and paid for this trip for a > >year. I expressed my condolences and said that we would not be > >able to be there but wanted to send flowers. My brother got > >mad. " Don't you think you can leave a day later it was her > >father for crying out loud. " (Well, actually it is two days > >later and no, I can't drive three states away by myself with > >two children and still make it in time.) > >This may sound heartless, but I didn't even make the list of > >people they told he had passed. I heard it from my ex from > >facebook! My children are dealing with enough without having to > >teach them about death in an environment of such drama and > >where I am sure to be found " bad " and " wrong " and used as the > >scapegoat for their pain. I feel for her. My dad died when I > >was 23. I get it, but she came right out Monday and said she > >didn't care about me and my life. Also, at every funeral I have > >been to with this woman she has treated me poorly. At one > >funeral she raged at me, at another she told me I was being > >silly because I was upset about hearing from my dad's best > >friend that he and my dad got me passed out drunk when I was 3 > >years old. When she is in pain with the death of her father why > >would I put myself in the line of fire? > >I will deal with hurtful behavior if I go and I will deal with > >a terrible backlash when I don't. > >People don't understand when a person is " normal " in their > >other walks of life but saves all the " crazy " for you. Why you > >make the choices you make. I am finally in a place to take care > >of myself and my kids, but from the outside I look selfish for > >keeping my distance and doing what is best for us and I know I > >will be vilified for taking care of myself and my family, but > >if I go I will be treated poorly. > >I can't win! > > -- > Katrina > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 4, 2012 Report Share Posted August 4, 2012 I hit reply before I was done! I was just going to empathize and say I feel your pain. Nada would look at me with horror on her eyes and say I didn't turn out the way she thought I would, her voice laced with disappointment. Ugh. Like Katrina said, as hard as it is, you just have to stop playing the game. Shed the guilt and do what's best for you and your kids. If you do things for nada to help you not feel guilty, in the end you will be spread too thin. You have to be healthy to be the best mom you can be. Maybe this will help- sometime I don't know what's normal b/c nada's sense of normalcy was so warped. So maybe think about if you would expect your own kids to do what is being asked of you. Would you expect them to make that trip? I bet you wouldn't. > > >I just need to get this out. I have moved and lost my therapist > > >I don't like my new one and am headed out of town before I can > > >get to someone to process all of this, I just need to vent. > > > > > >I have been keeping my distance from my family with some > > >success for some time now. I am separated from my husband and > > >we are doing a great job co-parenting and working to maintain a > > >healthy relationship for our children. He sees my family drama > > >and is very supportive. He has heard (because she didn't know > > >she was on speaker phone) my mother rage at me and say things > > >like " I'm not your mother anymore " and was shocked! My brother > > >(the good one) and his wife (who has bpd behaviors if nothing > > >else)totally support my mother and feel that we (my ex and I) > > >are the ones with the problem. They believe everything (lies) > > >she tells them and I am always the " bad one " . My ex attempted > > >to " reason " with my brother explaining that he heard with his > > >own ears what was said and that my mother was in fact lying to > > >my brother and my brother would not hear of it. My ex was > > >yelled at and hung up on by him with his wife screaming in the > > >background. (So that is some back story) > > > > > >I needed a night off. I have my children 24/7 and only get a > > >weekend off every three weeks and I have to drive 16 hrs to get > > >that. My children do love their grandmother and she has not yet > > >done anything that would cause them actual harm so they spent > > >the night with her on Friday night. Saturday morning my > > >children called me at 6:45am (after calling my ex at 6:30am) we > > >have talked to my mom about not letting them use the phone so > > >early, plus it really isn't giving me that much of a break if I > > >don't get even an hour to sleep in when I told her I was > > >picking them up at 8:30am. I again reminded her that it is not > > >socially acceptable for them to use the phone that early and > > >even though they want to we have to teach them how to control > > >themselves. Her answer, " fine! " and then I knew it. I was in > > >trouble. When I went to get them I was gonna get it and I did. > > > > > >She looked me in the eyes and said, " I try to see you as God's > > >perfect child. That perfect little girl you used to be. " I > > >stopped her. " I am not that little girl anymore. " She said, " I > > >know when I look at you it is like watching a horror movie! " > > > > > >That line and her face saying it keep hurting me. As a mother I > > >just can not fathom being so hurtful to my child, I can't > > >imagine saying that to a stranger! There were other awful > > >things that morning, but that was the worst. Every time I used > > >the things I have learned from SWOE she would change the > > >subject and start in on some new hurtful topic. She is very > > >smart and has been doing this for years. I am so new at > > >realizing it all she can still club me over the head and spin > > >me around with her hurtful cutting comments. > > > > > >I just can't seem to not get sucked in. I know that she is > > >going to hurt me. I know that she is going to twist things. I > > >am finally able to walk away. When she said, " No, I don't want > > >to hear it, I don't want to understand. " Then I got it, those > > >words are the key! They make me stop trying. > > > > > >I am leaving town this week and then school is starting. She > > >had hurt me so I did trigger her. I said " Hug grandma kids I > > >don't know when you will see her again. " (I did it to hurt her > > >back. I knew that was not right. I knew she would hear > > >abandonment.) But then she told my children (5 1/2 and 7) when > > >she hugged them goodbye that she would NEVER see them again. > > >They told me this in bed that night. I told them that grandma > > >had said some things to hurt me today. They said, " Yes, she > > >said she would never see us again. " I said, " Well, that is not > > >true! Of course that is not true. We are going to camp and then > > >school is starting, but you will see her at some time. We just > > >don't know what day. " They both laughed and said, " Yeah, that > > >is silly. " > > > > > >So I just start feeling better about all of that and... > > > > > >(Little more back story)My SIL hung up on me in May because she > > >said I was " blaming her baby for my choices " (no need to > > >elaborate because I can't even begin to explain that crazy) > > >anyway I did not hear from her again until Monday when she > > >called to tell me she wanted my children and I to be in a > > >family picture on Sunday (today). Her father was dying and she > > >wanted us all to take one last picture with her 6 month old > > >son. She then requested that my ex (who lives 9 hrs drive away > > >and we are not together) come to be in the picture. I said, " We > > >are separated. " She said, " Well, I want everyone included. I > > >heard you were getting back together. " > > >I said, " I don't know where you heard that. But we are not > > >together and he lives in MN. " She said dismissing me, " I don't > > >really care about what is going on with you. It is none of my > > >business. I just want you to be in this picture. I want > > >everyone to be in the picture just ask him. " She then told me > > >what we would have to wear and when I expressed I would have to > > >go shopping she said, " well, I want it that way so I will buy > > >the kid clothes if I have to. " (two options but she would not > > >commit to one so when we hung up I still had no idea what I was > > >supposed to have on the children and myself to make her happy.) > > >Wednesday my brother called to cancel the photo shoot and said > > >her father would not make it. I said I was sorry and asked if > > >there was anything I could do and then asked that he keep me > > >informed. He said okay. > > >Sadly her father did pass yesterday. I found out from my ex who > > >saw it on facebook today. I looked it up and then texted my > > >brother. He said yes and the service will be this Friday. > > >My children and I are going out of town on Thursday. My son is > > >going to camp for the first time and I am working there. It is > > >a commitment we have been planning and paid for this trip for a > > >year. I expressed my condolences and said that we would not be > > >able to be there but wanted to send flowers. My brother got > > >mad. " Don't you think you can leave a day later it was her > > >father for crying out loud. " (Well, actually it is two days > > >later and no, I can't drive three states away by myself with > > >two children and still make it in time.) > > >This may sound heartless, but I didn't even make the list of > > >people they told he had passed. I heard it from my ex from > > >facebook! My children are dealing with enough without having to > > >teach them about death in an environment of such drama and > > >where I am sure to be found " bad " and " wrong " and used as the > > >scapegoat for their pain. I feel for her. My dad died when I > > >was 23. I get it, but she came right out Monday and said she > > >didn't care about me and my life. Also, at every funeral I have > > >been to with this woman she has treated me poorly. At one > > >funeral she raged at me, at another she told me I was being > > >silly because I was upset about hearing from my dad's best > > >friend that he and my dad got me passed out drunk when I was 3 > > >years old. When she is in pain with the death of her father why > > >would I put myself in the line of fire? > > >I will deal with hurtful behavior if I go and I will deal with > > >a terrible backlash when I don't. > > >People don't understand when a person is " normal " in their > > >other walks of life but saves all the " crazy " for you. Why you > > >make the choices you make. I am finally in a place to take care > > >of myself and my kids, but from the outside I look selfish for > > >keeping my distance and doing what is best for us and I know I > > >will be vilified for taking care of myself and my family, but > > >if I go I will be treated poorly. > > >I can't win! > > > > -- > > Katrina > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 5, 2012 Report Share Posted August 5, 2012 Wow...that's terrible!! I agree -- just don't play with any of them!! NADA is bad enough to deal with, but the SIL is toooo unnecessary!! > > > >I just need to get this out. I have moved and lost my therapist > > > >I don't like my new one and am headed out of town before I can > > > >get to someone to process all of this, I just need to vent. > > > > > > > >I have been keeping my distance from my family with some > > > >success for some time now. I am separated from my husband and > > > >we are doing a great job co-parenting and working to maintain a > > > >healthy relationship for our children. He sees my family drama > > > >and is very supportive. He has heard (because she didn't know > > > >she was on speaker phone) my mother rage at me and say things > > > >like " I'm not your mother anymore " and was shocked! My brother > > > >(the good one) and his wife (who has bpd behaviors if nothing > > > >else)totally support my mother and feel that we (my ex and I) > > > >are the ones with the problem. They believe everything (lies) > > > >she tells them and I am always the " bad one " . My ex attempted > > > >to " reason " with my brother explaining that he heard with his > > > >own ears what was said and that my mother was in fact lying to > > > >my brother and my brother would not hear of it. My ex was > > > >yelled at and hung up on by him with his wife screaming in the > > > >background. (So that is some back story) > > > > > > > >I needed a night off. I have my children 24/7 and only get a > > > >weekend off every three weeks and I have to drive 16 hrs to get > > > >that. My children do love their grandmother and she has not yet > > > >done anything that would cause them actual harm so they spent > > > >the night with her on Friday night. Saturday morning my > > > >children called me at 6:45am (after calling my ex at 6:30am) we > > > >have talked to my mom about not letting them use the phone so > > > >early, plus it really isn't giving me that much of a break if I > > > >don't get even an hour to sleep in when I told her I was > > > >picking them up at 8:30am. I again reminded her that it is not > > > >socially acceptable for them to use the phone that early and > > > >even though they want to we have to teach them how to control > > > >themselves. Her answer, " fine! " and then I knew it. I was in > > > >trouble. When I went to get them I was gonna get it and I did. > > > > > > > >She looked me in the eyes and said, " I try to see you as God's > > > >perfect child. That perfect little girl you used to be. " I > > > >stopped her. " I am not that little girl anymore. " She said, " I > > > >know when I look at you it is like watching a horror movie! " > > > > > > > >That line and her face saying it keep hurting me. As a mother I > > > >just can not fathom being so hurtful to my child, I can't > > > >imagine saying that to a stranger! There were other awful > > > >things that morning, but that was the worst. Every time I used > > > >the things I have learned from SWOE she would change the > > > >subject and start in on some new hurtful topic. She is very > > > >smart and has been doing this for years. I am so new at > > > >realizing it all she can still club me over the head and spin > > > >me around with her hurtful cutting comments. > > > > > > > >I just can't seem to not get sucked in. I know that she is > > > >going to hurt me. I know that she is going to twist things. I > > > >am finally able to walk away. When she said, " No, I don't want > > > >to hear it, I don't want to understand. " Then I got it, those > > > >words are the key! They make me stop trying. > > > > > > > >I am leaving town this week and then school is starting. She > > > >had hurt me so I did trigger her. I said " Hug grandma kids I > > > >don't know when you will see her again. " (I did it to hurt her > > > >back. I knew that was not right. I knew she would hear > > > >abandonment.) But then she told my children (5 1/2 and 7) when > > > >she hugged them goodbye that she would NEVER see them again. > > > >They told me this in bed that night. I told them that grandma > > > >had said some things to hurt me today. They said, " Yes, she > > > >said she would never see us again. " I said, " Well, that is not > > > >true! Of course that is not true. We are going to camp and then > > > >school is starting, but you will see her at some time. We just > > > >don't know what day. " They both laughed and said, " Yeah, that > > > >is silly. " > > > > > > > >So I just start feeling better about all of that and... > > > > > > > >(Little more back story)My SIL hung up on me in May because she > > > >said I was " blaming her baby for my choices " (no need to > > > >elaborate because I can't even begin to explain that crazy) > > > >anyway I did not hear from her again until Monday when she > > > >called to tell me she wanted my children and I to be in a > > > >family picture on Sunday (today). Her father was dying and she > > > >wanted us all to take one last picture with her 6 month old > > > >son. She then requested that my ex (who lives 9 hrs drive away > > > >and we are not together) come to be in the picture. I said, " We > > > >are separated. " She said, " Well, I want everyone included. I > > > >heard you were getting back together. " > > > >I said, " I don't know where you heard that. But we are not > > > >together and he lives in MN. " She said dismissing me, " I don't > > > >really care about what is going on with you. It is none of my > > > >business. I just want you to be in this picture. I want > > > >everyone to be in the picture just ask him. " She then told me > > > >what we would have to wear and when I expressed I would have to > > > >go shopping she said, " well, I want it that way so I will buy > > > >the kid clothes if I have to. " (two options but she would not > > > >commit to one so when we hung up I still had no idea what I was > > > >supposed to have on the children and myself to make her happy.) > > > >Wednesday my brother called to cancel the photo shoot and said > > > >her father would not make it. I said I was sorry and asked if > > > >there was anything I could do and then asked that he keep me > > > >informed. He said okay. > > > >Sadly her father did pass yesterday. I found out from my ex who > > > >saw it on facebook today. I looked it up and then texted my > > > >brother. He said yes and the service will be this Friday. > > > >My children and I are going out of town on Thursday. My son is > > > >going to camp for the first time and I am working there. It is > > > >a commitment we have been planning and paid for this trip for a > > > >year. I expressed my condolences and said that we would not be > > > >able to be there but wanted to send flowers. My brother got > > > >mad. " Don't you think you can leave a day later it was her > > > >father for crying out loud. " (Well, actually it is two days > > > >later and no, I can't drive three states away by myself with > > > >two children and still make it in time.) > > > >This may sound heartless, but I didn't even make the list of > > > >people they told he had passed. I heard it from my ex from > > > >facebook! My children are dealing with enough without having to > > > >teach them about death in an environment of such drama and > > > >where I am sure to be found " bad " and " wrong " and used as the > > > >scapegoat for their pain. I feel for her. My dad died when I > > > >was 23. I get it, but she came right out Monday and said she > > > >didn't care about me and my life. Also, at every funeral I have > > > >been to with this woman she has treated me poorly. At one > > > >funeral she raged at me, at another she told me I was being > > > >silly because I was upset about hearing from my dad's best > > > >friend that he and my dad got me passed out drunk when I was 3 > > > >years old. When she is in pain with the death of her father why > > > >would I put myself in the line of fire? > > > >I will deal with hurtful behavior if I go and I will deal with > > > >a terrible backlash when I don't. > > > >People don't understand when a person is " normal " in their > > > >other walks of life but saves all the " crazy " for you. Why you > > > >make the choices you make. I am finally in a place to take care > > > >of myself and my kids, but from the outside I look selfish for > > > >keeping my distance and doing what is best for us and I know I > > > >will be vilified for taking care of myself and my family, but > > > >if I go I will be treated poorly. > > > >I can't win! > > > > > > -- > > > Katrina > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 6, 2012 Report Share Posted August 6, 2012 I don't think that dealing with a BPD is about winning. To me that insinuates it is a game... which is kinda black and white, which it isn't. I believe it is all about becoming healthier and saner. It is about change, growth and maturing beyond this personality disorder regardless what the BPD does which puts the focus on my issues. I don't have to be a victim. I can be a target and MOVE when I choose to. In a game one is the loser and one is the winner. Growing beyond BPD makes everyone a winner, whether they realize it or not. Growth is on a continuum, not set in stone in my mind. If I have a bad day of it today that doesn't mean it will have to roll over into my tomorrow, thank God! > > > > >I just need to get this out. I have moved and lost my therapist > > > > >I don't like my new one and am headed out of town before I can > > > > >get to someone to process all of this, I just need to vent. > > > > > > > > > >I have been keeping my distance from my family with some > > > > >success for some time now. I am separated from my husband and > > > > >we are doing a great job co-parenting and working to maintain a > > > > >healthy relationship for our children. He sees my family drama > > > > >and is very supportive. He has heard (because she didn't know > > > > >she was on speaker phone) my mother rage at me and say things > > > > >like " I'm not your mother anymore " and was shocked! My brother > > > > >(the good one) and his wife (who has bpd behaviors if nothing > > > > >else)totally support my mother and feel that we (my ex and I) > > > > >are the ones with the problem. They believe everything (lies) > > > > >she tells them and I am always the " bad one " . My ex attempted > > > > >to " reason " with my brother explaining that he heard with his > > > > >own ears what was said and that my mother was in fact lying to > > > > >my brother and my brother would not hear of it. My ex was > > > > >yelled at and hung up on by him with his wife screaming in the > > > > >background. (So that is some back story) > > > > > > > > > >I needed a night off. I have my children 24/7 and only get a > > > > >weekend off every three weeks and I have to drive 16 hrs to get > > > > >that. My children do love their grandmother and she has not yet > > > > >done anything that would cause them actual harm so they spent > > > > >the night with her on Friday night. Saturday morning my > > > > >children called me at 6:45am (after calling my ex at 6:30am) we > > > > >have talked to my mom about not letting them use the phone so > > > > >early, plus it really isn't giving me that much of a break if I > > > > >don't get even an hour to sleep in when I told her I was > > > > >picking them up at 8:30am. I again reminded her that it is not > > > > >socially acceptable for them to use the phone that early and > > > > >even though they want to we have to teach them how to control > > > > >themselves. Her answer, " fine! " and then I knew it. I was in > > > > >trouble. When I went to get them I was gonna get it and I did. > > > > > > > > > >She looked me in the eyes and said, " I try to see you as God's > > > > >perfect child. That perfect little girl you used to be. " I > > > > >stopped her. " I am not that little girl anymore. " She said, " I > > > > >know when I look at you it is like watching a horror movie! " > > > > > > > > > >That line and her face saying it keep hurting me. As a mother I > > > > >just can not fathom being so hurtful to my child, I can't > > > > >imagine saying that to a stranger! There were other awful > > > > >things that morning, but that was the worst. Every time I used > > > > >the things I have learned from SWOE she would change the > > > > >subject and start in on some new hurtful topic. She is very > > > > >smart and has been doing this for years. I am so new at > > > > >realizing it all she can still club me over the head and spin > > > > >me around with her hurtful cutting comments. > > > > > > > > > >I just can't seem to not get sucked in. I know that she is > > > > >going to hurt me. I know that she is going to twist things. I > > > > >am finally able to walk away. When she said, " No, I don't want > > > > >to hear it, I don't want to understand. " Then I got it, those > > > > >words are the key! They make me stop trying. > > > > > > > > > >I am leaving town this week and then school is starting. She > > > > >had hurt me so I did trigger her. I said " Hug grandma kids I > > > > >don't know when you will see her again. " (I did it to hurt her > > > > >back. I knew that was not right. I knew she would hear > > > > >abandonment.) But then she told my children (5 1/2 and 7) when > > > > >she hugged them goodbye that she would NEVER see them again. > > > > >They told me this in bed that night. I told them that grandma > > > > >had said some things to hurt me today. They said, " Yes, she > > > > >said she would never see us again. " I said, " Well, that is not > > > > >true! Of course that is not true. We are going to camp and then > > > > >school is starting, but you will see her at some time. We just > > > > >don't know what day. " They both laughed and said, " Yeah, that > > > > >is silly. " > > > > > > > > > >So I just start feeling better about all of that and... > > > > > > > > > >(Little more back story)My SIL hung up on me in May because she > > > > >said I was " blaming her baby for my choices " (no need to > > > > >elaborate because I can't even begin to explain that crazy) > > > > >anyway I did not hear from her again until Monday when she > > > > >called to tell me she wanted my children and I to be in a > > > > >family picture on Sunday (today). Her father was dying and she > > > > >wanted us all to take one last picture with her 6 month old > > > > >son. She then requested that my ex (who lives 9 hrs drive away > > > > >and we are not together) come to be in the picture. I said, " We > > > > >are separated. " She said, " Well, I want everyone included. I > > > > >heard you were getting back together. " > > > > >I said, " I don't know where you heard that. But we are not > > > > >together and he lives in MN. " She said dismissing me, " I don't > > > > >really care about what is going on with you. It is none of my > > > > >business. I just want you to be in this picture. I want > > > > >everyone to be in the picture just ask him. " She then told me > > > > >what we would have to wear and when I expressed I would have to > > > > >go shopping she said, " well, I want it that way so I will buy > > > > >the kid clothes if I have to. " (two options but she would not > > > > >commit to one so when we hung up I still had no idea what I was > > > > >supposed to have on the children and myself to make her happy.) > > > > >Wednesday my brother called to cancel the photo shoot and said > > > > >her father would not make it. I said I was sorry and asked if > > > > >there was anything I could do and then asked that he keep me > > > > >informed. He said okay. > > > > >Sadly her father did pass yesterday. I found out from my ex who > > > > >saw it on facebook today. I looked it up and then texted my > > > > >brother. He said yes and the service will be this Friday. > > > > >My children and I are going out of town on Thursday. My son is > > > > >going to camp for the first time and I am working there. It is > > > > >a commitment we have been planning and paid for this trip for a > > > > >year. I expressed my condolences and said that we would not be > > > > >able to be there but wanted to send flowers. My brother got > > > > >mad. " Don't you think you can leave a day later it was her > > > > >father for crying out loud. " (Well, actually it is two days > > > > >later and no, I can't drive three states away by myself with > > > > >two children and still make it in time.) > > > > >This may sound heartless, but I didn't even make the list of > > > > >people they told he had passed. I heard it from my ex from > > > > >facebook! My children are dealing with enough without having to > > > > >teach them about death in an environment of such drama and > > > > >where I am sure to be found " bad " and " wrong " and used as the > > > > >scapegoat for their pain. I feel for her. My dad died when I > > > > >was 23. I get it, but she came right out Monday and said she > > > > >didn't care about me and my life. Also, at every funeral I have > > > > >been to with this woman she has treated me poorly. At one > > > > >funeral she raged at me, at another she told me I was being > > > > >silly because I was upset about hearing from my dad's best > > > > >friend that he and my dad got me passed out drunk when I was 3 > > > > >years old. When she is in pain with the death of her father why > > > > >would I put myself in the line of fire? > > > > >I will deal with hurtful behavior if I go and I will deal with > > > > >a terrible backlash when I don't. > > > > >People don't understand when a person is " normal " in their > > > > >other walks of life but saves all the " crazy " for you. Why you > > > > >make the choices you make. I am finally in a place to take care > > > > >of myself and my kids, but from the outside I look selfish for > > > > >keeping my distance and doing what is best for us and I know I > > > > >will be vilified for taking care of myself and my family, but > > > > >if I go I will be treated poorly. > > > > >I can't win! > > > > > > > > -- > > > > Katrina > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 6, 2012 Report Share Posted August 6, 2012 I agree...I used to constantly agonize over " Either way, there's no win for me. "  I've been NC for 4 1/2 years and nada will, every now and again, try to manipulate some event or situation where I " have " to attend. Most recently, it was her retirement party (which, for the record, she threw at an expensive club and charged her guests $40 per person to attend!) She called...which goes straight to voicemail (my ringtone for her is Cruella DeVil...my own private little " eff you " )...and left a 1 1/2 minute message all about her party and how I needed to be there because that person and this person would be there, too. Not once did she ask...after all the years... " How are you? " or even a " I hope you're doing well. "  Of course not! And of course I wasn't going to the party. Then she sent the snail mail invitation, which stated RSVP was required. Normally, this would push all my buttons on courtesy and manners. I vented to my T about it... if I RSVP'd, I was manipulated into contacting...which she would take as an invitation back into my life/world. If I didn't RSVP, then it gave her ammunition to be the poor, loving, victimized mother with the cruel, mannerless daughter. No win for me. Until my T pointed out " The win for you is drawing a boundary, sticking to it, and getting what you want: your mother not involved in your life. "  Ah, lightbulb.  I don't worry about the " win " so much anymore...I've already won by claiming my life as my own. Ninera ________________________________ To: WTOAdultChildren1 Sent: Monday, August 6, 2012 11:14 AM Subject: Re: can't win  I don't think that dealing with a BPD is about winning. To me that insinuates it is a game... which is kinda black and white, which it isn't. I believe it is all about becoming healthier and saner. It is about change, growth and maturing beyond this personality disorder regardless what the BPD does which puts the focus on my issues. I don't have to be a victim. I can be a target and MOVE when I choose to. In a game one is the loser and one is the winner. Growing beyond BPD makes everyone a winner, whether they realize it or not. Growth is on a continuum, not set in stone in my mind. If I have a bad day of it today that doesn't mean it will have to roll over into my tomorrow, thank God! > > > > >I just need to get this out. I have moved and lost my therapist > > > > >I don't like my new one and am headed out of town before I can > > > > >get to someone to process all of this, I just need to vent. > > > > > > > > > >I have been keeping my distance from my family with some > > > > >success for some time now. I am separated from my husband and > > > > >we are doing a great job co-parenting and working to maintain a > > > > >healthy relationship for our children. He sees my family drama > > > > >and is very supportive. He has heard (because she didn't know > > > > >she was on speaker phone) my mother rage at me and say things > > > > >like " I'm not your mother anymore " and was shocked! My brother > > > > >(the good one) and his wife (who has bpd behaviors if nothing > > > > >else)totally support my mother and feel that we (my ex and I) > > > > >are the ones with the problem. They believe everything (lies) > > > > >she tells them and I am always the " bad one " . My ex attempted > > > > >to " reason " with my brother explaining that he heard with his > > > > >own ears what was said and that my mother was in fact lying to > > > > >my brother and my brother would not hear of it. My ex was > > > > >yelled at and hung up on by him with his wife screaming in the > > > > >background. (So that is some back story) > > > > > > > > > >I needed a night off. I have my children 24/7 and only get a > > > > >weekend off every three weeks and I have to drive 16 hrs to get > > > > >that. My children do love their grandmother and she has not yet > > > > >done anything that would cause them actual harm so they spent > > > > >the night with her on Friday night. Saturday morning my > > > > >children called me at 6:45am (after calling my ex at 6:30am) we > > > > >have talked to my mom about not letting them use the phone so > > > > >early, plus it really isn't giving me that much of a break if I > > > > >don't get even an hour to sleep in when I told her I was > > > > >picking them up at 8:30am. I again reminded her that it is not > > > > >socially acceptable for them to use the phone that early and > > > > >even though they want to we have to teach them how to control > > > > >themselves. Her answer, " fine! " and then I knew it. I was in > > > > >trouble. When I went to get them I was gonna get it and I did. > > > > > > > > > >She looked me in the eyes and said, " I try to see you as God's > > > > >perfect child. That perfect little girl you used to be. " I > > > > >stopped her. " I am not that little girl anymore. " She said, " I > > > > >know when I look at you it is like watching a horror movie! " > > > > > > > > > >That line and her face saying it keep hurting me. As a mother I > > > > >just can not fathom being so hurtful to my child, I can't > > > > >imagine saying that to a stranger! There were other awful > > > > >things that morning, but that was the worst. Every time I used > > > > >the things I have learned from SWOE she would change the > > > > >subject and start in on some new hurtful topic. She is very > > > > >smart and has been doing this for years. I am so new at > > > > >realizing it all she can still club me over the head and spin > > > > >me around with her hurtful cutting comments. > > > > > > > > > >I just can't seem to not get sucked in. I know that she is > > > > >going to hurt me. I know that she is going to twist things. I > > > > >am finally able to walk away. When she said, " No, I don't want > > > > >to hear it, I don't want to understand. " Then I got it, those > > > > >words are the key! They make me stop trying. > > > > > > > > > >I am leaving town this week and then school is starting. She > > > > >had hurt me so I did trigger her. I said " Hug grandma kids I > > > > >don't know when you will see her again. " (I did it to hurt her > > > > >back. I knew that was not right. I knew she would hear > > > > >abandonment.) But then she told my children (5 1/2 and 7) when > > > > >she hugged them goodbye that she would NEVER see them again. > > > > >They told me this in bed that night. I told them that grandma > > > > >had said some things to hurt me today. They said, " Yes, she > > > > >said she would never see us again. " I said, " Well, that is not > > > > >true! Of course that is not true. We are going to camp and then > > > > >school is starting, but you will see her at some time. We just > > > > >don't know what day. " They both laughed and said, " Yeah, that > > > > >is silly. " > > > > > > > > > >So I just start feeling better about all of that and... > > > > > > > > > >(Little more back story)My SIL hung up on me in May because she > > > > >said I was " blaming her baby for my choices " (no need to > > > > >elaborate because I can't even begin to explain that crazy) > > > > >anyway I did not hear from her again until Monday when she > > > > >called to tell me she wanted my children and I to be in a > > > > >family picture on Sunday (today). Her father was dying and she > > > > >wanted us all to take one last picture with her 6 month old > > > > >son. She then requested that my ex (who lives 9 hrs drive away > > > > >and we are not together) come to be in the picture. I said, " We > > > > >are separated. " She said, " Well, I want everyone included. I > > > > >heard you were getting back together. " > > > > >I said, " I don't know where you heard that. But we are not > > > > >together and he lives in MN. " She said dismissing me, " I don't > > > > >really care about what is going on with you. It is none of my > > > > >business. I just want you to be in this picture. I want > > > > >everyone to be in the picture just ask him. " She then told me > > > > >what we would have to wear and when I expressed I would have to > > > > >go shopping she said, " well, I want it that way so I will buy > > > > >the kid clothes if I have to. " (two options but she would not > > > > >commit to one so when we hung up I still had no idea what I was > > > > >supposed to have on the children and myself to make her happy.) > > > > >Wednesday my brother called to cancel the photo shoot and said > > > > >her father would not make it. I said I was sorry and asked if > > > > >there was anything I could do and then asked that he keep me > > > > >informed. He said okay. > > > > >Sadly her father did pass yesterday. I found out from my ex who > > > > >saw it on facebook today. I looked it up and then texted my > > > > >brother. He said yes and the service will be this Friday. > > > > >My children and I are going out of town on Thursday. My son is > > > > >going to camp for the first time and I am working there. It is > > > > >a commitment we have been planning and paid for this trip for a > > > > >year. I expressed my condolences and said that we would not be > > > > >able to be there but wanted to send flowers. My brother got > > > > >mad. " Don't you think you can leave a day later it was her > > > > >father for crying out loud. " (Well, actually it is two days > > > > >later and no, I can't drive three states away by myself with > > > > >two children and still make it in time.) > > > > >This may sound heartless, but I didn't even make the list of > > > > >people they told he had passed. I heard it from my ex from > > > > >facebook! My children are dealing with enough without having to > > > > >teach them about death in an environment of such drama and > > > > >where I am sure to be found " bad " and " wrong " and used as the > > > > >scapegoat for their pain. I feel for her. My dad died when I > > > > >was 23. I get it, but she came right out Monday and said she > > > > >didn't care about me and my life. Also, at every funeral I have > > > > >been to with this woman she has treated me poorly. At one > > > > >funeral she raged at me, at another she told me I was being > > > > >silly because I was upset about hearing from my dad's best > > > > >friend that he and my dad got me passed out drunk when I was 3 > > > > >years old. When she is in pain with the death of her father why > > > > >would I put myself in the line of fire? > > > > >I will deal with hurtful behavior if I go and I will deal with > > > > >a terrible backlash when I don't. > > > > >People don't understand when a person is " normal " in their > > > > >other walks of life but saves all the " crazy " for you. Why you > > > > >make the choices you make. I am finally in a place to take care > > > > >of myself and my kids, but from the outside I look selfish for > > > > >keeping my distance and doing what is best for us and I know I > > > > >will be vilified for taking care of myself and my family, but > > > > >if I go I will be treated poorly. > > > > >I can't win! > > > > > > > > -- > > > > Katrina > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 6, 2012 Report Share Posted August 6, 2012 I like the way you put this. Its a more fully illuminated way or mature way of saying " the only way to win is to not play " , because that phrase does imply a " winner " and a " loser. " I think both the phrase and your post are getting at the same point, which is that NOT engaging in dysfunctional, manipulative, bpd relationship dynamics is a better option. Well put! -Annie > > > > > >I just need to get this out. I have moved and lost my therapist > > > > > >I don't like my new one and am headed out of town before I can > > > > > >get to someone to process all of this, I just need to vent. > > > > > > > > > > > >I have been keeping my distance from my family with some > > > > > >success for some time now. I am separated from my husband and > > > > > >we are doing a great job co-parenting and working to maintain a > > > > > >healthy relationship for our children. He sees my family drama > > > > > >and is very supportive. He has heard (because she didn't know > > > > > >she was on speaker phone) my mother rage at me and say things > > > > > >like " I'm not your mother anymore " and was shocked! My brother > > > > > >(the good one) and his wife (who has bpd behaviors if nothing > > > > > >else)totally support my mother and feel that we (my ex and I) > > > > > >are the ones with the problem. They believe everything (lies) > > > > > >she tells them and I am always the " bad one " . My ex attempted > > > > > >to " reason " with my brother explaining that he heard with his > > > > > >own ears what was said and that my mother was in fact lying to > > > > > >my brother and my brother would not hear of it. My ex was > > > > > >yelled at and hung up on by him with his wife screaming in the > > > > > >background. (So that is some back story) > > > > > > > > > > > >I needed a night off. I have my children 24/7 and only get a > > > > > >weekend off every three weeks and I have to drive 16 hrs to get > > > > > >that. My children do love their grandmother and she has not yet > > > > > >done anything that would cause them actual harm so they spent > > > > > >the night with her on Friday night. Saturday morning my > > > > > >children called me at 6:45am (after calling my ex at 6:30am) we > > > > > >have talked to my mom about not letting them use the phone so > > > > > >early, plus it really isn't giving me that much of a break if I > > > > > >don't get even an hour to sleep in when I told her I was > > > > > >picking them up at 8:30am. I again reminded her that it is not > > > > > >socially acceptable for them to use the phone that early and > > > > > >even though they want to we have to teach them how to control > > > > > >themselves. Her answer, " fine! " and then I knew it. I was in > > > > > >trouble. When I went to get them I was gonna get it and I did. > > > > > > > > > > > >She looked me in the eyes and said, " I try to see you as God's > > > > > >perfect child. That perfect little girl you used to be. " I > > > > > >stopped her. " I am not that little girl anymore. " She said, " I > > > > > >know when I look at you it is like watching a horror movie! " > > > > > > > > > > > >That line and her face saying it keep hurting me. As a mother I > > > > > >just can not fathom being so hurtful to my child, I can't > > > > > >imagine saying that to a stranger! There were other awful > > > > > >things that morning, but that was the worst. Every time I used > > > > > >the things I have learned from SWOE she would change the > > > > > >subject and start in on some new hurtful topic. She is very > > > > > >smart and has been doing this for years. I am so new at > > > > > >realizing it all she can still club me over the head and spin > > > > > >me around with her hurtful cutting comments. > > > > > > > > > > > >I just can't seem to not get sucked in. I know that she is > > > > > >going to hurt me. I know that she is going to twist things. I > > > > > >am finally able to walk away. When she said, " No, I don't want > > > > > >to hear it, I don't want to understand. " Then I got it, those > > > > > >words are the key! They make me stop trying. > > > > > > > > > > > >I am leaving town this week and then school is starting. She > > > > > >had hurt me so I did trigger her. I said " Hug grandma kids I > > > > > >don't know when you will see her again. " (I did it to hurt her > > > > > >back. I knew that was not right. I knew she would hear > > > > > >abandonment.) But then she told my children (5 1/2 and 7) when > > > > > >she hugged them goodbye that she would NEVER see them again. > > > > > >They told me this in bed that night. I told them that grandma > > > > > >had said some things to hurt me today. They said, " Yes, she > > > > > >said she would never see us again. " I said, " Well, that is not > > > > > >true! Of course that is not true. We are going to camp and then > > > > > >school is starting, but you will see her at some time. We just > > > > > >don't know what day. " They both laughed and said, " Yeah, that > > > > > >is silly. " > > > > > > > > > > > >So I just start feeling better about all of that and... > > > > > > > > > > > >(Little more back story)My SIL hung up on me in May because she > > > > > >said I was " blaming her baby for my choices " (no need to > > > > > >elaborate because I can't even begin to explain that crazy) > > > > > >anyway I did not hear from her again until Monday when she > > > > > >called to tell me she wanted my children and I to be in a > > > > > >family picture on Sunday (today). Her father was dying and she > > > > > >wanted us all to take one last picture with her 6 month old > > > > > >son. She then requested that my ex (who lives 9 hrs drive away > > > > > >and we are not together) come to be in the picture. I said, " We > > > > > >are separated. " She said, " Well, I want everyone included. I > > > > > >heard you were getting back together. " > > > > > >I said, " I don't know where you heard that. But we are not > > > > > >together and he lives in MN. " She said dismissing me, " I don't > > > > > >really care about what is going on with you. It is none of my > > > > > >business. I just want you to be in this picture. I want > > > > > >everyone to be in the picture just ask him. " She then told me > > > > > >what we would have to wear and when I expressed I would have to > > > > > >go shopping she said, " well, I want it that way so I will buy > > > > > >the kid clothes if I have to. " (two options but she would not > > > > > >commit to one so when we hung up I still had no idea what I was > > > > > >supposed to have on the children and myself to make her happy.) > > > > > >Wednesday my brother called to cancel the photo shoot and said > > > > > >her father would not make it. I said I was sorry and asked if > > > > > >there was anything I could do and then asked that he keep me > > > > > >informed. He said okay. > > > > > >Sadly her father did pass yesterday. I found out from my ex who > > > > > >saw it on facebook today. I looked it up and then texted my > > > > > >brother. He said yes and the service will be this Friday. > > > > > >My children and I are going out of town on Thursday. My son is > > > > > >going to camp for the first time and I am working there. It is > > > > > >a commitment we have been planning and paid for this trip for a > > > > > >year. I expressed my condolences and said that we would not be > > > > > >able to be there but wanted to send flowers. My brother got > > > > > >mad. " Don't you think you can leave a day later it was her > > > > > >father for crying out loud. " (Well, actually it is two days > > > > > >later and no, I can't drive three states away by myself with > > > > > >two children and still make it in time.) > > > > > >This may sound heartless, but I didn't even make the list of > > > > > >people they told he had passed. I heard it from my ex from > > > > > >facebook! My children are dealing with enough without having to > > > > > >teach them about death in an environment of such drama and > > > > > >where I am sure to be found " bad " and " wrong " and used as the > > > > > >scapegoat for their pain. I feel for her. My dad died when I > > > > > >was 23. I get it, but she came right out Monday and said she > > > > > >didn't care about me and my life. Also, at every funeral I have > > > > > >been to with this woman she has treated me poorly. At one > > > > > >funeral she raged at me, at another she told me I was being > > > > > >silly because I was upset about hearing from my dad's best > > > > > >friend that he and my dad got me passed out drunk when I was 3 > > > > > >years old. When she is in pain with the death of her father why > > > > > >would I put myself in the line of fire? > > > > > >I will deal with hurtful behavior if I go and I will deal with > > > > > >a terrible backlash when I don't. > > > > > >People don't understand when a person is " normal " in their > > > > > >other walks of life but saves all the " crazy " for you. Why you > > > > > >make the choices you make. I am finally in a place to take care > > > > > >of myself and my kids, but from the outside I look selfish for > > > > > >keeping my distance and doing what is best for us and I know I > > > > > >will be vilified for taking care of myself and my family, but > > > > > >if I go I will be treated poorly. > > > > > >I can't win! > > > > > > > > > > -- > > > > > Katrina > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 6, 2012 Report Share Posted August 6, 2012 I don't think that it should be about winning for us, but it often about winning for them. Once they decide what they want, they do whatever it takes to achieve their aim, whether or not it makes much sense or is good for them. I'd describe it as a contest rather than a game - a contest of wills. Not only is it a contest, it is a rigged contest where no one else can possible come out on top. However you describe it, not participating in their craziness is the goal. I find that way of thinking about it useful. It helps make it obvious that participating is an option and we have a choice about whether or not to do it. A lot of people have trouble understanding that they don't have to do whatever their nada/fada demands of them. Like most analogies, taking it too far gets you into trouble though. At 11:14 AM 08/06/2012 tomandfran1605 wrote: >I don't think that dealing with a BPD is about winning. To me >that insinuates it is a game... which is kinda black and white, >which it isn't. I believe it is all about becoming healthier >and saner. It is about change, growth and maturing beyond this >personality disorder regardless what the BPD does which puts >the focus on my issues. I don't have to be a victim. I can be >a target and MOVE when I choose to. In a game one is the loser >and one is the winner. Growing beyond BPD makes everyone a >winner, whether they realize it or not. Growth is on a >continuum, not set in stone in my mind. If I have a bad day of >it today that doesn't mean it will have to roll over into my >tomorrow, thank God! -- Katrina Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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