New here and feeling pretty low

[Guest guest]

Hi all... I cant believe what I'm reading or that it took me 46 years to figure

out that my mom probably has bpd. I wont give examples because after reading

just a few posts I know I'm in the right place. But my realization that I can

now label her makes me wonder if I need to rethink my entire life... I think my

brothers and I have unknowingly lived to please her, and at the same time have

allowed her to be so very cruel, try to undermine our marriages, and spent hours

upon hours talking in circles trying to reason with her. Such a waste of good

healthy psyches and precious time. I'm disappointed I hadn't been able to come

to the bpd conclusion before now. And I wonder how our lives might have been

different if we'd been able to attribute her cruelty to a mental health issue

and learned to cope a long time ago. She has alienated all but her husband, who

seems to be the enabler...or the Stockholm sufferer perhaps. She is joyful and

charming to a few friends she has left and none of them are the wiser. She sees

a therapist but I suspect she's duping him into believing she's a victim of

neglectful kids. I can't help but wonder if bpd moms even actually love their

kids. What an intensely horrifying thought... so I'm back to this: do I need to

rethink my whole life? I feel like it's been based on a lie all these years. On

the one hand I'm ecstatic to realize I'm not the disappointment she proclaims or

the filthy housekeeper or the pushover to a loser of a husband etc etc etc...

but on the other hand I'm so mad at her. And I feel so absolutely bereft to

think my own mother never loved me. That she's incapable. So much of my life has

been spent subconsciously trying to make her proud or happy and, of course, not

succeeding. Lastly I worry about those stats that 1 in 10 bpd sufferers commit

suicide. How does a newbie proceed?

[Guest guest]

Hi Traci, I soooo feel your pain. I too am 46 and just discovered my mom has

BPD within the past 4 to 5 weeks. I started questioning my judgment for every

decision I ever made in my entire life feeling like they had all been made with

" distorted " judgment and based on my views of things after being brainwashed and

manipulated for 46 years!. Our stories sound very similar in that you're trying

to get over the shock of how this could encompass every fiber of your existence

to this point. The best piece of advice I can give you is to realize none of

this is your fault, you couldn't cause it or prevent it, but from this point on

you can control how you react to your mom's abuse. That is the best thing I

have learned from this group. PROTECT YOURSELF! I have made small advances

since I've learned this and it is very liberating. For a small example: my mom

had me tied into two phone calls a day " because she's lonely. " I have come to

realize her lonliness is her doing not mine. So I told her yesterday I was

cutting our communication back to once a day! A very small victory, but a

liberating one for sure! That is that much of my life back! Piece by piece I

will take my life back. I recommend reading " Stop Walking on Egg Shells " by

Randi Kreeger I think. It REALLY helped me! My therapist that I just started

seeing because of all this has really given me the encouragement I needed to

take up for myself. I really wish you the best in the early stages of your

journey and you will find a lot of support on this website! I wish you the

best!

>

> Hi all... I cant believe what I'm reading or that it took me 46 years to

figure out that my mom probably has bpd. I wont give examples because after

reading just a few posts I know I'm in the right place. But my realization that

I can now label her makes me wonder if I need to rethink my entire life... I

think my brothers and I have unknowingly lived to please her, and at the same

time have allowed her to be so very cruel, try to undermine our marriages, and

spent hours upon hours talking in circles trying to reason with her. Such a

waste of good healthy psyches and precious time. I'm disappointed I hadn't been

able to come to the bpd conclusion before now. And I wonder how our lives might

have been different if we'd been able to attribute her cruelty to a mental

health issue and learned to cope a long time ago. She has alienated all but her

husband, who seems to be the enabler...or the Stockholm sufferer perhaps. She is

joyful and charming to a few friends she has left and none of them are the

wiser. She sees a therapist but I suspect she's duping him into believing she's

a victim of neglectful kids. I can't help but wonder if bpd moms even actually

love their kids. What an intensely horrifying thought... so I'm back to this: do

I need to rethink my whole life? I feel like it's been based on a lie all these

years. On the one hand I'm ecstatic to realize I'm not the disappointment she

proclaims or the filthy housekeeper or the pushover to a loser of a husband etc

etc etc... but on the other hand I'm so mad at her. And I feel so absolutely

bereft to think my own mother never loved me. That she's incapable. So much of

my life has been spent subconsciously trying to make her proud or happy and, of

course, not succeeding. Lastly I worry about those stats that 1 in 10 bpd

sufferers commit suicide. How does a newbie proceed?

>

[Guest guest]

Hello and welcome. There is a book about BPD called " I hate you, don't leave

me " . I haven't actually read the book but isn't that title dead on?? I can't

speak for all the nadas out there, but I think that a lot of BPDs do love their

children, but love and affection are given conditionally, which is so NOT normal

for a mother. At least for my nada, she was so insecure and fearful of life that

she lashed out at everything. It was all taken so personally. She reminded me of

a dog that fear bites. Everything I did that didn't fit her exact specifications

was taken as I don't love her enough. It was exhausting.

So what now? I would get a good therapist who KNOWS BPD (many don't- they know

of it but don't really understand the disorder.) Through therapy I have seen

things in a much different way when looking back at my life. I think a therapist

will help you shed a lot of the baggage and help you move forward. I cannot

recommend this enough.

>

> Hi all... I cant believe what I'm reading or that it took me 46 years to

figure out that my mom probably has bpd. I wont give examples because after

reading just a few posts I know I'm in the right place. But my realization that

I can now label her makes me wonder if I need to rethink my entire life... I

think my brothers and I have unknowingly lived to please her, and at the same

time have allowed her to be so very cruel, try to undermine our marriages, and

spent hours upon hours talking in circles trying to reason with her. Such a

waste of good healthy psyches and precious time. I'm disappointed I hadn't been

able to come to the bpd conclusion before now. And I wonder how our lives might

have been different if we'd been able to attribute her cruelty to a mental

health issue and learned to cope a long time ago. She has alienated all but her

husband, who seems to be the enabler...or the Stockholm sufferer perhaps. She is

joyful and charming to a few friends she has left and none of them are the

wiser. She sees a therapist but I suspect she's duping him into believing she's

a victim of neglectful kids. I can't help but wonder if bpd moms even actually

love their kids. What an intensely horrifying thought... so I'm back to this: do

I need to rethink my whole life? I feel like it's been based on a lie all these

years. On the one hand I'm ecstatic to realize I'm not the disappointment she

proclaims or the filthy housekeeper or the pushover to a loser of a husband etc

etc etc... but on the other hand I'm so mad at her. And I feel so absolutely

bereft to think my own mother never loved me. That she's incapable. So much of

my life has been spent subconsciously trying to make her proud or happy and, of

course, not succeeding. Lastly I worry about those stats that 1 in 10 bpd

sufferers commit suicide. How does a newbie proceed?

>

[Guest guest]

Welcome to all the new members here. I am always reminded of the childhood

game, Red Rover, and how I wish I could get all the children of pd people to

come over! I know this is a painful and challenging time for those of you new

to the discovery, and I wanted to share with you all a bit about how I

inititially processed everything. I myself felt as if the earth was tearing open

underneath my feet as I lost all sense of my identity upon realizing that the

previous four decades of my life had been masterminded by a sick puppetteer, so

to speak.

So speaking again, from my experience after the discovery, I will say this. My

partner thought I should be elated because there was a reason I was labelled as

the difficult child (I protested Nadas bullshit), and I was completely validated

by our discovery. But the shock, anguish, and turmoil was a lot to deal with.

Lets not even get me started on the actually learning to feel your feelings part

that is part of healing from this mess. That sucks too. But in a good way ; )

A year ago, I made the discovery, and was sped down a traumatic spiral where I

became a human computer reading everything about PDs, growing up with them, what

makes them, defines them. I became hyper aware of all my obsessive compulsive

behavior, workaholicism (that stopped immediately). I got into therapy

immediately (I was also practically catatonic so it was a no brainer, honestly I

wanted to be hospitalized so I wouldn't have had any responsibilities -

everything seemed like too much at that time)

So, the first thing I learned is I need to take care of myself. Self care. That

is step numero uno. Please be extra special nice to yourselves during this time

of painful awakening. Bubble baths, hot chocolate, soothing music, massage,

whatever you can afford or are attracted to, indulge yourself. This goes beyond

actual physical sensations, to learning how to ask for and express what you

need. Most of you have probably never learned how to take care of yourself. I

struggle with this EVERY day still.

Then if you all can, find yourselves some therapeutic support with someone who

has experience with the children of personality disordered people, childhood

trauma, etc. We need validation from someone we can trust , and hopefully this

relationship will be able to reaffirm your belief in yourselves and help you

better navigate the world with this new understanding and the knowledge that you

have been damaged because of it. Also, online support like this one and

bpdfamily.com is another excellent one that offers workshops on isolating, etc

etc - things we has children of do all the time, defense mechanisms that no

longer serve: our fleas.

And keep coming here, where you will realize that what happened to you was not

singular, that you alone do not have the scarlet F for F*(&k@# on your forehead.

That there are others who share and understand your pain, pain that you are only

just beginning to acknowledge.

Big hug,

Jaleo