Newbie with BPD mother and fully dysfunctional family members

[Guest guest]

Greetings, I am a newbie to this forum and hopeful that I can get some support.

I realized this year that my mother has BPD primary and NPD as a secondary. My

family has a multi-generational " poisonous pedagogy " that is outlined pretty

accurately in Bradshaw's: The Family (chapter 4 specifically).

My relationship with my FOO has been very challenging. I have been expected to

follow the program or there will be hell to pay. It is like a spoiled child not

getting their favorite toy. It is either throwing a tantrum of some kind or

being cast out.

My mother behaving in a BPD fashion has put an enormous strain on our

relationship. She is in complete denial and believes it is me with the problem.

Sound familiar??

I ask those in the forum: At what point after setting boundary after boundary,

the denial, the accusations that have no basis in reality, the strings attached

to " gifts " , putting up with her lack of emotional IQ/self awareness, etc do I

say ENOUGH and cut her out of my life? Is a crappy relationship better than

none?

I am utterly exhausted trying to make it work with someone who doesn't " get it. "

Anyone here experienced something similar? If so, I would love to hear your

input.

[Guest guest]

YES YES YES This is absolutely familiar! It is MY story too.

Many of us have multi-generational disfunction. It will stop with me! But I'm

struggling with " when does it stop " also. As far as I can tell, never. Sorry to

say, but it's a continual 'manage' the problem/relationship. I took a break

from her for two months and it was so GREAT. But, it was only a vacation and

reality did return. Even tho, her behavior has been much more subdued and

appropriate (she just fishes more but without me engaging) so the stress and

drama in my life has been much reduced. I think it's more that I have changed MY

behavior, not her changing behavior. But there is no end in sight. I don't think

I'll ever completely cut her off, but I will most certainly put her in a

'time-out' and take breaks of a few months if her inappropriate behaviors get

out of control ever again (OH, and they WILL! BPDs don't change.)

Anyhow, Your question is one I struggle with as well! You're not alone

[Guest guest]

Hello ,

Your description sounds very familiar. The point at which you

say ENOUGH is whenever you feel like saying it. If that's what

you want, go ahead and do it now. You don't have to keep trying

and trying and trying to deal with anyone who is emotionally

abusive to you.

If you're expecting your boundaries to ever help her " get it " ,

your expectations aren't realistic. People with BPD aren't

capable of getting it. Their minds just don't think that way.

Boundaries are for you, to define what you will put up with and

how you'll react if someone does something unacceptable. They

aren't rules that your nada (that's what we call our unmotherly

mothers with BPD) is going to understand, learn from and obey.

Enmeshed family members aren't likely to get it based on your

say-so either. They have to realize for themselves that there is

a problem. If you're having problems with denial and accusations

from your family, then your boundaries should include stuff

about how much of those you're willing to listen to. If you want

to have a relationship with a family member with BPD your

boundaries have to be really strong - that is, you have to be

willing to enforce them not just decide what they are. Enforcing

boundaries may or may not eventually bring about some changes in

your FOO's behavior. I think you should assume it won't. That's

not what boundaries are for anyway. What boundaries should do is

protect you from their behavior even if it remains unchanged.

That means doing things like ending conversations when they go

in inappropriate directions. It can mean hanging up the phone or

walking away if changing the subject doesn't put an end to the

problem. It can mean arranging your life so that you don't get

trapped in a car with family members and telling them " no " when

they invite themselves to your home. Boundaries put YOU in

control of what happens to you.

At 08:48 PM 08/03/2012 Gauss wrote:

>Greetings, I am a newbie to this forum and hopeful that I can

>get some support.

>

>I realized this year that my mother has BPD primary and NPD as

>a secondary. My family has a multi-generational " poisonous

>pedagogy " that is outlined pretty accurately in

>Bradshaw's: The Family (chapter 4 specifically).

>

>My relationship with my FOO has been very challenging. I have

>been expected to follow the program or there will be hell to

>pay. It is like a spoiled child not getting their favorite toy.

>It is either throwing a tantrum of some kind or being cast out.

>

>My mother behaving in a BPD fashion has put an enormous strain

>on our relationship. She is in complete denial and believes it

>is me with the problem. Sound familiar??

>

>I ask those in the forum: At what point after setting boundary

>after boundary, the denial, the accusations that have no basis

>in reality, the strings attached to " gifts " , putting up with

>her lack of emotional IQ/self awareness, etc do I say ENOUGH

>and cut her out of my life? Is a crappy relationship better

>than none?

>

>I am utterly exhausted trying to make it work with someone who

>doesn't " get it. "

>

>Anyone here experienced something similar? If so, I would love

>to hear your input.

>

--

Katrina