feeling alone...is it normal?

[Guest guest]

Hi.

So figuring out how crazy my family is...explains why I never really felt like I

belong...and even as an adult , probably due to my (flea?) sensitivity to

anything like rejection, I rarely feel like I truly " belong " .

I'm 41 and single...so maybe that is one reason...but you know how it goes...it

is as if my family in my mind is nonexistent. So, that leaves a lot for friends

to fill. And I dont' really expect it....make myself scarce and never want to be

a " burden " to others. So at this point in my life I don't even really " bug " my

married friends.

There are good times and bad times...but now that I'm learning about all of this

BPD crap I was just wondering if it is typical for us kids of BP's to feel this

way.

AND...if you have any advice for coping...that would be great.

I'm kind of wondering if I need to lighten up and expect less from people ...and

not be so critical. I don't think I'm judgey...but I think a definite side

effect from being raised with black and white thinking is that I'm pretty

hypervigilant and conscientious...so when others aren't I sort of don't respect

them...or I feel like they are clueless.

And then I wonder if " ew " I'm being like my mom.

Thx.

[Guest guest]

Hello,

You basically described exactly how I feel. I am married with 2 kids, so I don't

think it's because you are single. I wish I had some good advice for you, but

I'm still trying to figure out how to " fix " this problem. I just wanted to let

you know that you aren't the only one who feels this way, and I definitely think

it's a side effect from being a KO.

>

> Hi.

>

>

> So figuring out how crazy my family is...explains why I never really felt like

I belong...and even as an adult , probably due to my (flea?) sensitivity to

anything like rejection, I rarely feel like I truly " belong " .

>

> I'm 41 and single...so maybe that is one reason...but you know how it

goes...it is as if my family in my mind is nonexistent. So, that leaves a lot

for friends to fill. And I dont' really expect it....make myself scarce and

never want to be a " burden " to others. So at this point in my life I don't even

really " bug " my married friends.

>

> There are good times and bad times...but now that I'm learning about all of

this BPD crap I was just wondering if it is typical for us kids of BP's to feel

this way.

>

> AND...if you have any advice for coping...that would be great.

>

> I'm kind of wondering if I need to lighten up and expect less from people

....and not be so critical. I don't think I'm judgey...but I think a definite

side effect from being raised with black and white thinking is that I'm pretty

hypervigilant and conscientious...so when others aren't I sort of don't respect

them...or I feel like they are clueless.

>

> And then I wonder if " ew " I'm being like my mom.

>

> Thx.

>

[Guest guest]

This is a little random- a few hours after I wrote the above I was watching Mad

Men. If you aren't familiar with that show it's about a man named Dick Whitman

who takes on the identity of a deceased man named Don Draper. Takes place in the

early 60's. Dick fakes his own death to get away from his dysfunctional FOO. So

tonight on the episode I was watching he's telling his friend, the only person

who knows he's really Dick Whitman and not Don Draper, about how he is ruining

his life because he feels like he can see it all around him, but keeps

scratching the surface trying to get in. She draws some cards for him and tells

him that the card she drew said he is a part of the universe, that all things

are connected to him. He says so what does that mean? She says, " It means the

only thing keeping you from being happy is the belief that you are alone. "

him: " what if that's true? "

her: " then you can change. "

him: " people don't change. "

her: " I think she [the woman on the card] stands for wisdom. As you live you

learn things. "

I truly DO feel the only thing keeping me from really being happy is the belief

I am alone. That statement just hit me hard for some reason.

Did a KO write this script? ha ha.

> >

> > Hi.

> >

> >

> > So figuring out how crazy my family is...explains why I never really felt

like I belong...and even as an adult , probably due to my (flea?) sensitivity to

anything like rejection, I rarely feel like I truly " belong " .

> >

> > I'm 41 and single...so maybe that is one reason...but you know how it

goes...it is as if my family in my mind is nonexistent. So, that leaves a lot

for friends to fill. And I dont' really expect it....make myself scarce and

never want to be a " burden " to others. So at this point in my life I don't even

really " bug " my married friends.

> >

> > There are good times and bad times...but now that I'm learning about all of

this BPD crap I was just wondering if it is typical for us kids of BP's to feel

this way.

> >

> > AND...if you have any advice for coping...that would be great.

> >

> > I'm kind of wondering if I need to lighten up and expect less from people

....and not be so critical. I don't think I'm judgey...but I think a definite

side effect from being raised with black and white thinking is that I'm pretty

hypervigilant and conscientious...so when others aren't I sort of don't respect

them...or I feel like they are clueless.

> >

> > And then I wonder if " ew " I'm being like my mom.

> >

> > Thx.

> >

>

[Guest guest]

I agree--I feel less and less like this, so I'm responding partly to say there

is hope.

I think feeling so isolated and unsupported can come from having a bpd parent

for several reasons that work together to make it start to feel like a core

truth.

First, bpd parents very often make it clear that they don't want you or like you

and/or that no one in the immediate family wants you or likes you. Conversely,

depending on your role in the family, they may say they are the *only* ones who

understand you, want you, appreciate you and so on. No one else ever can: it is

you against the world. Either way, the idea gets fixed in your mind after the

10,000th allusion to this.

At the same time, pds usually insist you collude in their delusions. Having a

different opinion about anything will definitely result in some kind of

punishment: anywhere from withdrawing warmth and affection to brutal beating and

near-death (depending on your nada's style). Don't imagine this as hurt

feelings at 9: imagine it as the end of your whole world at 9 months when

nada/fada gives you a dirty look. So, between sheer repetition and insisting

you actually think what she wants you to think, it's pretty easy to imagine how

you might imagine yourself all alone in the world, unwanted, unloved, and

misunderstood.

Now, on top of that, if you didn't have other sources of warmth and acceptance

in your FOO--so if dad was out of the picture or a dishrag (or an active

sociopath like mine), and you didn't have aunts and uncles or grandparents

closely involved in your life to give you a different message--then chances are

the reality was also that you were alone and unsupported. Your experience every

day was that you had no one to turn to for affection or comfort. Even if nada

was warm in her attitude towards you, she was using you (she uses everyone), and

at some level it's hard not to know that. Being a well-cared for machine is not

the same as being a valued individual.

Since this starts from a young age, it's easy to see how being alone would

become a core part of who you believed yourself to be. This can become

self-fulfilling, as we present ourselves as who we believe ourselves to

be--outsiders that no one wants--and people believe us and treat us accordingly.

Or, we can end up discounting experiences that are contrary to our basic belief.

So, sometimes, we really do belong, but don't notice, because it doesn't seem

possible and the compulsion to believe otherwise is so deeply ingrained.

I also think it can be really hard to have relationships that do make you feel

accepted and wanted because it's so hard to know who to trust and when if you

were forced by circumstances to trust someone who was fundamentally

untrustworthy--and who may have claimed the opposite.

All I can say is go easy on yourself. Human beings aren't meant to be alone.

They are meant to be part of warm and loving groups. Feeling alone is a very

hard place to be.

Take care,

Ashana

[Guest guest]

Hi luverofnougat,

Yes, I have felt--and many times, feel--as you describe.

I really feel like I have no family. My FOO is now down to 2, my nada and my

brother. I have lots of aunts, uncles, cousins (most of them are in another

country) -- but absolutely no relationship with them, mostly b/c my parents

really did not encourage it. They would have my brother and me talk briefly on

the phone with them but would drill us thoroughly beforehand as to what we could

and could not talk about.

Then, when I met these people, I realized I did not *want* relationship with

them b/c I could see clearly where my parents' crazy came from. I could go on

and on, but bottom line is, my parents really isolated us, especially me, b/c,

as their only daughter, it would be inappropriate for me to be anywhere but in

my room, reading.

They discouraged us vigorously against friendships, making sure we always

remembered that we only had each other.

As a result, as an adult, I have had to learn how to be social, how to be a

friend. I actually read books about how to befriend others, I'm so bad at it. I

start friendships off very strongly and then peter off; well, I used to. I

really am working on learning to be a better friend.

As for how to cope:

-- what's worked for me has been therapy;

-- having a circle of supportive friends, and reminding myself to not be so

easily offended at things that in the past would have made me stop the

friendship completely (as you said, that black and white thinking, I have to

catch myself and nip it in the bud);

-- being honest with others--saying what I meant instead of what I thought I

should say

I don't know if you're in therapy, but that's a great place to more insight and

coping skills.

Best wishes,

Fiona

>

> Hi.

>

>

> So figuring out how crazy my family is...explains why I never really felt like

I belong...and even as an adult , probably due to my (flea?) sensitivity to

anything like rejection, I rarely feel like I truly " belong " .

>

> I'm 41 and single...so maybe that is one reason...but you know how it

goes...it is as if my family in my mind is nonexistent. So, that leaves a lot

for friends to fill. And I dont' really expect it....make myself scarce and

never want to be a " burden " to others. So at this point in my life I don't even

really " bug " my married friends.

>

> There are good times and bad times...but now that I'm learning about all of

this BPD crap I was just wondering if it is typical for us kids of BP's to feel

this way.

>

> AND...if you have any advice for coping...that would be great.

>

> I'm kind of wondering if I need to lighten up and expect less from people

....and not be so critical. I don't think I'm judgey...but I think a definite

side effect from being raised with black and white thinking is that I'm pretty

hypervigilant and conscientious...so when others aren't I sort of don't respect

them...or I feel like they are clueless.

>

> And then I wonder if " ew " I'm being like my mom.

>

> Thx.

>

[Guest guest]

Agree on this - it's definately a holdover from growing up with a parent who has

a personality issue. I'm still working on learning how to trust and who to

trust.

I tend to lurk a lot on this list - it is an amazing resoource.

>

> I agree--I feel less and less like this, so I'm responding partly to say there

is hope.

>

> I think feeling so isolated and unsupported can come from having a bpd parent

for several reasons that work together to make it start to feel like a core

truth.

>

> First, bpd parents very often make it clear that they don't want you or like

you and/or that no one in the immediate family wants you or likes you.

Conversely, depending on your role in the family, they may say they are the

*only* ones who understand you, want you, appreciate you and so on. No one else

ever can: it is you against the world. Either way, the idea gets fixed in your

mind after the 10,000th allusion to this.

>

> At the same time, pds usually insist you collude in their delusions. Having a

different opinion about anything will definitely result in some kind of

punishment: anywhere from withdrawing warmth and affection to brutal beating and

near-death (depending on your nada's style). Don't imagine this as hurt

feelings at 9: imagine it as the end of your whole world at 9 months when

nada/fada gives you a dirty look. So, between sheer repetition and insisting

you actually think what she wants you to think, it's pretty easy to imagine how

you might imagine yourself all alone in the world, unwanted, unloved, and

misunderstood.

>

> Now, on top of that, if you didn't have other sources of warmth and acceptance

in your FOO--so if dad was out of the picture or a dishrag (or an active

sociopath like mine), and you didn't have aunts and uncles or grandparents

closely involved in your life to give you a different message--then chances are

the reality was also that you were alone and unsupported. Your experience every

day was that you had no one to turn to for affection or comfort. Even if nada

was warm in her attitude towards you, she was using you (she uses everyone), and

at some level it's hard not to know that. Being a well-cared for machine is not

the same as being a valued individual.

>

> Since this starts from a young age, it's easy to see how being alone would

become a core part of who you believed yourself to be. This can become

self-fulfilling, as we present ourselves as who we believe ourselves to

be--outsiders that no one wants--and people believe us and treat us accordingly.

Or, we can end up discounting experiences that are contrary to our basic belief.

So, sometimes, we really do belong, but don't notice, because it doesn't seem

possible and the compulsion to believe otherwise is so deeply ingrained.

>

> I also think it can be really hard to have relationships that do make you feel

accepted and wanted because it's so hard to know who to trust and when if you

were forced by circumstances to trust someone who was fundamentally

untrustworthy--and who may have claimed the opposite.

>

> All I can say is go easy on yourself. Human beings aren't meant to be alone.

They are meant to be part of warm and loving groups. Feeling alone is a very

hard place to be.

>

> Take care,

> Ashana

>