Nada died.

August 5, 2012

YO KOs,

I have been a member since '98. My nada just passed away las Wednesday, August

1, 2012. My nada just wasn't there for me. She just didn't know how to be a

mother or connect with me. He 'connecting' was raging, abuse, passive-agressive

behavior, and waify learned helplessness. The more I read about the personality

disorders the more I understand this relationshit.

I have cried for days. I miss the mother I didn't have. She was effed up. She

even said before she died that she was sorry that I didn't get the relationship

I needed because she had so many problems. She is gone now. I have some

closure and I am going to remain on the list because it has helped me more that

anything else that I have found.

I believe she is in heaven but if she couldn't help the personality disorder

then maybe she understands herself now. I don't know how she will be judged but

I know how I felt all my life like a commodity not a daughter with feelings.

She was always asking me and about 20 psychiatrists what was wrong with her. I

have no doubt she was BPD, NPD, Schizotypal (dx'ed officially by a psychiatrist)

Parnoid Pd, and OCD (cleaner).

My nada was brutally verbally abusive. She would then turn and blame me for

abusing her. She stopped when I started to call the police. Then apologize

profusely. Then the hoovering started again.

When she was in the hospital in February for her third stroke and pulled through

we had the nicest chat. She actually asked about me for the first time and she

was 89. She actually listened. I hadn't seen her since February and we stayed

for about two hours. I wanted to leave it on a good note. I never did visit

her at the rest home where she returned and passed. When I called she just hung

up on me. My cousin took care of her and my aunt who is 92. There is no way

they would even begin to understand BPD. I am just the black sheep who would

visit my nada. The truth is that I just didn't want to ruin the last closure

and get yelled at again for something that happened 61 year ago or well you know

the stuff or you wouldn't be here.

I pick up her cremains tomorrow. The graveside service is Friday. I hope I

don't get nada and the cat $hxt mixed up.

I encourage you to stay with this group for as long as you can and want to.

I miss her and I don't. The bad outweighed the good. This was truly a

relationshit.

((((((((KOs)))))))))))

(((((((Rita)))))))))))))) I always give myself a hug. I have learned to take

care of myself on these lists.

I and going to learn how to live a little and to even get steeenking drunk on

tonic water.

Love you all,

Rita

" And she'll have fun, fun, fun 'till her daddy takes the keyboard away.

August 5, 2012

(((((Rita)))))

My condolences to you. I understand; I had feelings of both grief and relief

when my nada passed away last Christmas. Its hard to lose a parent; even an

abusive, mentally ill parent. What you wrote resonates with me: I still

grieve the fragments of my mother that were normal and able to show love and

thoughtfulness and caring. She did have those fragments or brief periods of

time when she acted in more mentally healthy ways. But mostly I felt relief for

her passing, for much the same reasons you describe.

-Annie

>

> YO KOs,

> I have been a member since '98. My nada just passed away las Wednesday,

August 1, 2012. My nada just wasn't there for me. She just didn't know how to

be a mother or connect with me. He 'connecting' was raging, abuse,

passive-agressive behavior, and waify learned helplessness. The more I read

about the personality disorders the more I understand this relationshit.

> I have cried for days. I miss the mother I didn't have. She was effed up.

She even said before she died that she was sorry that I didn't get the

relationship I needed because she had so many problems. She is gone now. I

have some closure and I am going to remain on the list because it has helped me

more that anything else that I have found.

> I believe she is in heaven but if she couldn't help the personality disorder

then maybe she understands herself now. I don't know how she will be judged but

I know how I felt all my life like a commodity not a daughter with feelings.

She was always asking me and about 20 psychiatrists what was wrong with her. I

have no doubt she was BPD, NPD, Schizotypal (dx'ed officially by a psychiatrist)

Parnoid Pd, and OCD (cleaner).

> My nada was brutally verbally abusive. She would then turn and blame me for

abusing her. She stopped when I started to call the police. Then apologize

profusely. Then the hoovering started again.

> When she was in the hospital in February for her third stroke and pulled

through we had the nicest chat. She actually asked about me for the first time

and she was 89. She actually listened. I hadn't seen her since February and we

stayed for about two hours. I wanted to leave it on a good note. I never did

visit her at the rest home where she returned and passed. When I called she

just hung up on me. My cousin took care of her and my aunt who is 92. There is

no way they would even begin to understand BPD. I am just the black sheep who

would visit my nada. The truth is that I just didn't want to ruin the last

closure and get yelled at again for something that happened 61 year ago or well

you know the stuff or you wouldn't be here.

> I pick up her cremains tomorrow. The graveside service is Friday. I hope I

don't get nada and the cat $hxt mixed up.

> I encourage you to stay with this group for as long as you can and want to.

> I miss her and I don't. The bad outweighed the good. This was truly a

relationshit.

>

> ((((((((KOs)))))))))))

> (((((((Rita)))))))))))))) I always give myself a hug. I have learned to take

care of myself on these lists.

>

> I and going to learn how to live a little and to even get steeenking drunk on

tonic water.

>

> Love you all,

>

> Rita

>

> " And she'll have fun, fun, fun 'till her daddy takes the keyboard away.

>

August 6, 2012

I'm not sure what to say. When I first read the title, selfish me thought " Oh,

how lucky. " That's only because I'm still dealing with my elderly nada who is

getting ickier by the week.

But losing a parent, even a nada, isn't that clear cut and easy. Our emotions

have been jerked this way and that all our lives. We can't grieve normally. Like

you said, you miss the mom you never had. All those memories you wanted never

came and you're left with toxic memories instead. That's not fun. But I'm

confident they'll sort themselves out and you'll gradually feel like a breath of

fresh air has entered your life.

I'm not sure if you meant to write this but if not, it was so perfect and made

me smile: you said, " The more I read about the personality disorders the more I

understand this relationshit. " Cracked me up.

Hugs from me to you.