Memory issues

[Guest guest]

Hi again and thanks to all who replied to my first list ( " new here and feeling

pretty low. "

I already typed up this question and then my little Kindle crashed so my

apologies if this ends up being listed twice...

I wonder if anyone has issues with memory ... particularly autobiographical

memory. I am a high functioning professional whose work involves keeping a lot

of jobs and people on deadline. I have no trouble remembering the important

things that I learn and my cognition is very good. But I have almost no

autobiographical memory. Important days in my life -- my wedding day, the births

of my kids, milestones, big birthdays, even 9/11, are reduced to a couple of

" snapshots " -- where others remember their lives like a video I remember these

events as still photographs. It became clear to me when the tenth anniversary of

9/11 approached. Everyone I know could say exactly where they were and recall

almost verbatim how the day unfolded. I recall only a few snapshots -- a

colleague putting their hand on my shoulder or crying in my car as I passed a

convoy of national guard troops on the highway. I know I was deeply affected and

like the rest of the country I cried for days as I watched the footage and

followed the story. These things I know, but I don't actually remember...

It occurs to me that forgetting would be a perfect coping mechanism for the

child of a bpd. And I wonder if therapy -- which I have not tried yet -- would

release all those locked up memories...and if so, would I want to remember the

things I've forgotten?

Anyone have any thoughts ir similar memory issues?

[Guest guest]

Sorry... meant to type " post " not " list "

>

> Hi again and thanks to all who replied to my first list ( " new here and feeling

pretty low. "

>

> I already typed up this question and then my little Kindle crashed so my

apologies if this ends up being listed twice...

>

> I wonder if anyone has issues with memory ... particularly autobiographical

memory. I am a high functioning professional whose work involves keeping a lot

of jobs and people on deadline. I have no trouble remembering the important

things that I learn and my cognition is very good. But I have almost no

autobiographical memory. Important days in my life -- my wedding day, the births

of my kids, milestones, big birthdays, even 9/11, are reduced to a couple of

" snapshots " -- where others remember their lives like a video I remember these

events as still photographs. It became clear to me when the tenth anniversary of

9/11 approached. Everyone I know could say exactly where they were and recall

almost verbatim how the day unfolded. I recall only a few snapshots -- a

colleague putting their hand on my shoulder or crying in my car as I passed a

convoy of national guard troops on the highway. I know I was deeply affected and

like the rest of the country I cried for days as I watched the footage and

followed the story. These things I know, but I don't actually remember...

>

> It occurs to me that forgetting would be a perfect coping mechanism for the

child of a bpd. And I wonder if therapy -- which I have not tried yet -- would

release all those locked up memories...and if so, would I want to remember the

things I've forgotten?

>

> Anyone have any thoughts ir similar memory issues?

>

[Guest guest]

Hi Traci,

I have strange gaps in my memory. I remember an enormous amount of my life, but

then I'll have no memory of a conversation I had with someone last week. Not

just I forgot, but then when I'm reminded, it rings a bell, but no memory at

all. It's different than the gaps in your memory, but I think it's caused by

dissociation, so certain things are kept at a distance--and not always for a

reason that's easy to discern. Therapy does help, although not all at once. At

least it has helped me. I wouldn't expect a flood of memories to suddenly

overwhelm you. It's worthwhile, I think, because what's on the other side of

the wall in your mind--along with those memories--is a part of yourself that you

aren't whole without.

Take care,

Ashana

[Guest guest]

I definately think it is a coping strategy.

>

> Hi again and thanks to all who replied to my first list ( " new here and feeling

pretty low. "

>

> I already typed up this question and then my little Kindle crashed so my

apologies if this ends up being listed twice...

>

> I wonder if anyone has issues with memory ... particularly autobiographical

memory. I am a high functioning professional whose work involves keeping a lot

of jobs and people on deadline. I have no trouble remembering the important

things that I learn and my cognition is very good. But I have almost no

autobiographical memory. Important days in my life -- my wedding day, the births

of my kids, milestones, big birthdays, even 9/11, are reduced to a couple of

" snapshots " -- where others remember their lives like a video I remember these

events as still photographs. It became clear to me when the tenth anniversary of

9/11 approached. Everyone I know could say exactly where they were and recall

almost verbatim how the day unfolded. I recall only a few snapshots -- a

colleague putting their hand on my shoulder or crying in my car as I passed a

convoy of national guard troops on the highway. I know I was deeply affected and

like the rest of the country I cried for days as I watched the footage and

followed the story. These things I know, but I don't actually remember...

>

> It occurs to me that forgetting would be a perfect coping mechanism for the

child of a bpd. And I wonder if therapy -- which I have not tried yet -- would

release all those locked up memories...and if so, would I want to remember the

things I've forgotten?

>

> Anyone have any thoughts ir similar memory issues?

>

[Guest guest]

I've wondered similar things lately. My husband has been asking me about my

childhood, and there isn't much I remember. I'm very new to the group though

and my knowledge of BPD is in its infancy.

>

> Hi again and thanks to all who replied to my first list ( " new here and feeling

pretty low. "

>

> I already typed up this question and then my little Kindle crashed so my

apologies if this ends up being listed twice...

>

> I wonder if anyone has issues with memory ... particularly autobiographical

memory. I am a high functioning professional whose work involves keeping a lot

of jobs and people on deadline. I have no trouble remembering the important

things that I learn and my cognition is very good. But I have almost no

autobiographical memory. Important days in my life -- my wedding day, the births

of my kids, milestones, big birthdays, even 9/11, are reduced to a couple of

" snapshots " -- where others remember their lives like a video I remember these

events as still photographs. It became clear to me when the tenth anniversary of

9/11 approached. Everyone I know could say exactly where they were and recall

almost verbatim how the day unfolded. I recall only a few snapshots -- a

colleague putting their hand on my shoulder or crying in my car as I passed a

convoy of national guard troops on the highway. I know I was deeply affected and

like the rest of the country I cried for days as I watched the footage and

followed the story. These things I know, but I don't actually remember...

>

> It occurs to me that forgetting would be a perfect coping mechanism for the

child of a bpd. And I wonder if therapy -- which I have not tried yet -- would

release all those locked up memories...and if so, would I want to remember the

things I've forgotten?

>

> Anyone have any thoughts ir similar memory issues?

>

[Guest guest]

Wow, I never thought of it before but I am the exact opposite. I can clearly

remember details from aspects of my life which I can see began as a coping

mechanism.   I think I learned to commit the details to memory in order to have

some sense of control or bearing since my NADA frequently changed (changes) the

details of events.   

I would think the memory issues are a feature of PTSD.  Maybe a therapist that

specializes in PTSD could help you uncover your memories.  

Peace and blessings.

MyReality67

________________________________

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Sent: Sunday, August 5, 2012 8:00 AM

Subject: Memory issues

 

Hi again and thanks to all who replied to my first list ( " new here and feeling

pretty low. "

I already typed up this question and then my little Kindle crashed so my

apologies if this ends up being listed twice...

I wonder if anyone has issues with memory ... particularly autobiographical

memory. I am a high functioning professional whose work involves keeping a lot

of jobs and people on deadline. I have no trouble remembering the important

things that I learn and my cognition is very good. But I have almost no

autobiographical memory. Important days in my life -- my wedding day, the births

of my kids, milestones, big birthdays, even 9/11, are reduced to a couple of

" snapshots " -- where others remember their lives like a video I remember these

events as still photographs. It became clear to me when the tenth anniversary of

9/11 approached. Everyone I know could say exactly where they were and recall

almost verbatim how the day unfolded. I recall only a few snapshots -- a

colleague putting their hand on my shoulder or crying in my car as I passed a

convoy of national guard troops on the highway. I know I was deeply affected and

like the rest of the country I cried

for days as I watched the footage and followed the story. These things I know,

but I don't actually remember...

It occurs to me that forgetting would be a perfect coping mechanism for the

child of a bpd. And I wonder if therapy -- which I have not tried yet -- would

release all those locked up memories...and if so, would I want to remember the

things I've forgotten?

Anyone have any thoughts ir similar memory issues?

[Guest guest]

I'm very similar. I only remember things that are " important " . Most people

know exactly what grade they were in when they went to their first concert and I

can roughly say I was around this age. Some things I remember very well others

not as well.

The problem with this is having a BPD Mom. My nada remembers every little

detail from her entire life. Which is a huge problem when we fight and she asks

me why I said something 5 years ago, when I don't even remember the

conversation.

Some of this is healthy, why remember all the little details like my Nada, just

let it go and move on and deal with what's in front of you. But there's

probably a line where it becomes a coping mechanism and a problem. I'm not sure

where that line lies, it's probably different for everyone.

I suggest going to see a therapist, it helps a lot, for many reasons.

>

> Wow, I never thought of it before but I am the exact opposite. I can clearly

remember details from aspects of my life which I can see began as a coping

mechanism.   I think I learned to commit the details to memory in order to have

some sense of control or bearing since my NADA frequently changed (changes) the

details of events.   

>

> I would think the memory issues are a feature of PTSD.  Maybe a therapist

that specializes in PTSD could help you uncover your memories.  

>

> Peace and blessings.

>

> MyReality67

>

>

> ________________________________

> From: " tracineal@... "

> To: WTOAdultChildren1

> Sent: Sunday, August 5, 2012 8:00 AM

> Subject: Memory issues

>

>

>  

> Hi again and thanks to all who replied to my first list ( " new here and feeling

pretty low. "

>

> I already typed up this question and then my little Kindle crashed so my

apologies if this ends up being listed twice...

>

> I wonder if anyone has issues with memory ... particularly autobiographical

memory. I am a high functioning professional whose work involves keeping a lot

of jobs and people on deadline. I have no trouble remembering the important

things that I learn and my cognition is very good. But I have almost no

autobiographical memory. Important days in my life -- my wedding day, the births

of my kids, milestones, big birthdays, even 9/11, are reduced to a couple of

" snapshots " -- where others remember their lives like a video I remember these

events as still photographs. It became clear to me when the tenth anniversary of

9/11 approached. Everyone I know could say exactly where they were and recall

almost verbatim how the day unfolded. I recall only a few snapshots -- a

colleague putting their hand on my shoulder or crying in my car as I passed a

convoy of national guard troops on the highway. I know I was deeply affected and

like the rest of the country I cried

> for days as I watched the footage and followed the story. These things I

know, but I don't actually remember...

>

> It occurs to me that forgetting would be a perfect coping mechanism for the

child of a bpd. And I wonder if therapy -- which I have not tried yet -- would

release all those locked up memories...and if so, would I want to remember the

things I've forgotten?

>

> Anyone have any thoughts ir similar memory issues?

>

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

I recently finished an excellent book, Unchained Memories, True Stories of

Traumatic Memories Lost and Found, by Lenore Terr, M.D.

Someone on the list recommended it - sorry, but I can't remember who it was -

and I bought it for my kindle. It took a while to get through it because I read

in a way that let me absorb it, as the book has so much interesting information

about how we remember, and more importantly forget.

I know understand why and how I have the extreme childhood gaps in memory that I

do, and I've even found myself remembering more.

Now I'm the one recommending the book, lol!

> I've wondered similar things lately. My husband has been asking me about my

childhood, and there isn't much I remember. I'm very new to the group though and

my knowledge of BPD is in its infancy.

>

>

> >

> > Hi again and thanks to all who replied to my first list ( " new here and

feeling pretty low. "

> >

> > I already typed up this question and then my little Kindle crashed so my

apologies if this ends up being listed twice...

> >

> > I wonder if anyone has issues with memory ... particularly autobiographical

memory. I am a high functioning professional whose work involves keeping a lot

of jobs and people on deadline. I have no trouble remembering the important

things that I learn and my cognition is very good. But I have almost no

autobiographical memory. Important days in my life -- my wedding day, the births

of my kids, milestones, big birthdays, even 9/11, are reduced to a couple of

" snapshots " -- where others remember their lives like a video I remember these

events as still photographs. It became clear to me when the tenth anniversary of

9/11 approached. Everyone I know could say exactly where they were and recall

almost verbatim how the day unfolded. I recall only a few snapshots -- a

colleague putting their hand on my shoulder or crying in my car as I passed a

convoy of national guard troops on the highway. I know I was deeply affected and

like the rest of the country I cried for day s as I watched the footage and

followed the story. These things I know, but I don't actually remember...

> >

> > It occurs to me that forgetting would be a perfect coping mechanism for the

child of a bpd. And I wonder if therapy -- which I have not tried yet -- would

release all those locked up memories...and if so, would I want to remember the

things I've forgotten?

> >

> > Anyone have any thoughts ir similar memory issues?

> >

>

>

[Guest guest]

yes, me too, I have memory issues of anything before age 5.

After age 5, I remember not much until age 8 or 9. There's a big gap there.

I do remember that, while in 2nd or 3rd grade, my humor with my classmates was

very sexualized. I would talk about penises and breasts.

I was remembering that the other day and have to wonder WHY I did that, what was

I exposed to that made me talk about things like that. I recall those around me

looking at me in horror and me not understanding why they were so upset.

I have never mentioned this to anyone. I am telling you all for the first time

and it feels good to get it off my chest.

If either of my kids joked that way, I would be incredibly concerned. I'm

surprised when i think about it, that no one mentioned my comments to a teacher

or a parent or anything like that.

My memories of good times were overshadowed by feelings of " don't say the wrong

thing or it could ruin the day " , constantly feeling the eggshells under my feet.

>

> Hi again and thanks to all who replied to my first list ( " new here and feeling

pretty low. "

>

> I already typed up this question and then my little Kindle crashed so my

apologies if this ends up being listed twice...

>

> I wonder if anyone has issues with memory ... particularly autobiographical

memory. I am a high functioning professional whose work involves keeping a lot

of jobs and people on deadline. I have no trouble remembering the important

things that I learn and my cognition is very good. But I have almost no

autobiographical memory. Important days in my life -- my wedding day, the births

of my kids, milestones, big birthdays, even 9/11, are reduced to a couple of

" snapshots " -- where others remember their lives like a video I remember these

events as still photographs. It became clear to me when the tenth anniversary of

9/11 approached. Everyone I know could say exactly where they were and recall

almost verbatim how the day unfolded. I recall only a few snapshots -- a

colleague putting their hand on my shoulder or crying in my car as I passed a

convoy of national guard troops on the highway. I know I was deeply affected and

like the rest of the country I cried for days as I watched the footage and

followed the story. These things I know, but I don't actually remember...

>

> It occurs to me that forgetting would be a perfect coping mechanism for the

child of a bpd. And I wonder if therapy -- which I have not tried yet -- would

release all those locked up memories...and if so, would I want to remember the

things I've forgotten?

>

> Anyone have any thoughts ir similar memory issues?

>

[Guest guest]

Hello,

I never had this issue until AFTER nada died. Before, I could remember all my

childhood traumas. Since she died I have sort of blocked them out, not being

able to recall details of stories I have told my husband. I have not been able

to talk to my T about this yet. I think it's an abnormal coping mechanism. I

don't understand why I would block it out after she died, since the abuse died

with her.

>

> Hi again and thanks to all who replied to my first list ( " new here and feeling

pretty low. "

>

> I already typed up this question and then my little Kindle crashed so my

apologies if this ends up being listed twice...

>

> I wonder if anyone has issues with memory ... particularly autobiographical

memory. I am a high functioning professional whose work involves keeping a lot

of jobs and people on deadline. I have no trouble remembering the important

things that I learn and my cognition is very good. But I have almost no

autobiographical memory. Important days in my life -- my wedding day, the births

of my kids, milestones, big birthdays, even 9/11, are reduced to a couple of

" snapshots " -- where others remember their lives like a video I remember these

events as still photographs. It became clear to me when the tenth anniversary of

9/11 approached. Everyone I know could say exactly where they were and recall

almost verbatim how the day unfolded. I recall only a few snapshots -- a

colleague putting their hand on my shoulder or crying in my car as I passed a

convoy of national guard troops on the highway. I know I was deeply affected and

like the rest of the country I cried for days as I watched the footage and

followed the story. These things I know, but I don't actually remember...

>

> It occurs to me that forgetting would be a perfect coping mechanism for the

child of a bpd. And I wonder if therapy -- which I have not tried yet -- would

release all those locked up memories...and if so, would I want to remember the

things I've forgotten?

>

> Anyone have any thoughts ir similar memory issues?

>

[Guest guest]

I think the magical line that needs to be drawn is that sometimes things we

don't really remember are still hurting us. and that can be a real problem and

effect many areas of our lives.

I have PTSD problems. certain situations " trigger " an emotional avalanche. one

result is that I " over-react " or feel all the emotions as if the incident is

happening along with hundreds of others all at once. or I will " under-react " or

feel nothing in a circumstance that should be bothersome. this is dissociating.

Both are unhealthy reactions and defense mechanisms.Many defenses are useful at

one point in our lives. A child who dissociates saves the pain until they are

strong enough to deal with it. Or sometimes it keeps us from greater harm.

over-reacting (which my Nada was vicious about) is a cry for help and can

sometimes lead to compassion. It can also help others know how to be kind.

Over-reacting just re-traumatizes us, and ads yet another experience to whatever

it was that hurt us, we don't process (allow ourselves to feel) the feelings,

and nothing is ever resolved. under-reacting is usually what causes physical

problems. (IBS, tension headaches or any other muscle tension disorder) it is

also a relationship problem becasue when we are emotionally numb it hinders our

ability to be a compassionate person.

I do both. I am doing a therapy called EMDR (eye movement desensitization and

re-processing)

Basically I pick a target experience (sometimes they are vague) and assign

emotions and beliefs I have about that experience and myself, and then with the

aid of lights and other stimuli you let your mind wander on that experience. and

memories about it and similar incidents wash back.

It is very intense but it makes me feel so relived and the best part for me is

that I was unheard for so many years, and now I feel like I have found my voice

and I feel so empowered.

It has not resolved anything with Nada becasue as always I can not change her.

but I feel like I am well on my way to not needing her approval to live my life

my way. My Nada wants me to be 5 so she can be in charge, right, and in control.

and she acts like it. but I am no longer feeling compelled to comply, and it is

wonderful.

part of this therapy is to desensitize you to the experience(s). in this way

even the painful memories are re-visited, but understanding them better, and

more importantly working through the emotions of them makes it a net gain to

remember. In the end I am not so easily triggered emotionally, so I deal with

life in a much more healthy way.

I am not sure what negative effect remembering has had on me. I am not a

chronically depressed person, but I began therapy because I was depressed, and

was remembering things on my own after some things were triggered. and I am now

no longer depressed, and feeling better about myself than I ever have, and I am

also well on my way to managing a serious muscle tension issue I developed

thanks to buried memories and feelings. I think my depression did get worse

before it got better, but it was on that road before I started therapy, so I

feel like therapy made out of control emotions productive.

I hope you find the right thing for you. you need to remember if those things

are hurting you.

Meikjn

> >

> > Hi again and thanks to all who replied to my first list ( " new here and

feeling pretty low. "

> >

> > I already typed up this question and then my little Kindle crashed so my

apologies if this ends up being listed twice...

> >

> > I wonder if anyone has issues with memory ... particularly autobiographical

memory. I am a high functioning professional whose work involves keeping a lot

of jobs and people on deadline. I have no trouble remembering the important

things that I learn and my cognition is very good. But I have almost no

autobiographical memory. Important days in my life -- my wedding day, the births

of my kids, milestones, big birthdays, even 9/11, are reduced to a couple of

" snapshots " -- where others remember their lives like a video I remember these

events as still photographs. It became clear to me when the tenth anniversary of

9/11 approached. Everyone I know could say exactly where they were and recall

almost verbatim how the day unfolded. I recall only a few snapshots -- a

colleague putting their hand on my shoulder or crying in my car as I passed a

convoy of national guard troops on the highway. I know I was deeply affected and

like the rest of the country I cried for days as I watched the footage and

followed the story. These things I know, but I don't actually remember...

> >

> > It occurs to me that forgetting would be a perfect coping mechanism for the

child of a bpd. And I wonder if therapy -- which I have not tried yet -- would

release all those locked up memories...and if so, would I want to remember the

things I've forgotten?

> >

> > Anyone have any thoughts ir similar memory issues?

> >

>

[Guest guest]

,

It isn't normal to remember absolutely everything. We remember

things that have significance and use to us. Maybe you're losing

those memories because they are painful and you no longer need

to remember the pain. Your nada is gone. She can't hurt you any

more. It makes sense to me to let the memories of all that

trauma go.

At 11:57 AM 08/07/2012 wrote:

>Hello,

>I never had this issue until AFTER nada died. Before, I could

>remember all my childhood traumas. Since she died I have sort

>of blocked them out, not being able to recall details of

>stories I have told my husband. I have not been able to talk to

>my T about this yet. I think it's an abnormal coping mechanism.

>I don't understand why I would block it out after she died,

>since the abuse died with her.

--

Katrina

[Guest guest]

Katrina,

That is a really interesting theory. I will bring this up with my T as I think

you may be on to something here. Thanks!

> >Hello,

> >I never had this issue until AFTER nada died. Before, I could

> >remember all my childhood traumas. Since she died I have sort

> >of blocked them out, not being able to recall details of

> >stories I have told my husband. I have not been able to talk to

> >my T about this yet. I think it's an abnormal coping mechanism.

> >I don't understand why I would block it out after she died,

> >since the abuse died with her.

>

> --

> Katrina

>

[Guest guest]

Katrina,

I agree that's an interesting idea. I remember details very sharply when I'm

unable to make sense of them. Once they are assembled into a meaningful whole

in my mind, the minutiae slips away and what I remember is the general idea.

Take care,

Ashana