UGG!! Help! In H-e-double hockey sticks!

[Guest guest]

Ok so after being mostly NC since June, and working to get my and my daughter's

life on track, I get a text from nada. She had sent me a text the day before

about how she missed her granddaughter (my dd is 13 and they did have a hand in

raising her because they demanded and I was being a doormat). Next day I get a

text.. " Can we have Kaylee Wednesday and Thursday night? " I didn't respond.

Fada.... " Did you see Mom's message? " Yes but I need to think about it, I said.

Which I did. No I wasn't going to allow them to have her that long, however I

needed to decide if I was strong enough to face them and whether they should see

her at all. When pushed, I said it wasn't appropriate because we needed to work

on our relationship first....well then it got into the blame game, how I am a

horrible daughter, how I " deserve whats coming to me when Kaylee grows up and

treats me this way " how my mom is innocent, how I never encouraged K to contact

them during this time (what part of NC don't they get?)

I take a break from the ranting and go check on my daughter who is in tears

because nada sent her a text about how she will always love her and she misses

her and blah blah blah, and K thinks she is telling her goodbye. My 13 year old

is a wreck because of this whole situation btw, I have her in counselling, but

she has talked about how she " wants to not be here for awhile " . It scares the

crap out of me, and it is how the whole thing started. I put her immediately in

counselling, and tried to take control of the situation.

Anyways, I come back after calming her to see more texts, demanding that I

apologize, demanding that I call. Accusing me of using dd as a " pawn " and

refusing to let them see her, which was a " bad idea " according to fada. I took

that as a threat and told him so. When he started to attack me emotionally, I

ended the conversation. I said I will be happy to talk to you on Thursday, I am

done talking to you tonight. When we do talk on Thursday it is crucial we do so

with respect. Fada called me a " little dictator " and said that I need to grow

up if I am going to make rules....and that I have to earn respect.

So...here I am. I want the respect and love that I shouldn't have to earn from

my parents, but that won't happen. I don't want to be treated as a dishrag like

I have been all these years. I want badly to terminate the relationship

completely, but I don't want to break my dd heart in the process. My husband is

trying to be supportive, but in his male stupidity said he thinks I'm jealous of

my daughter. (It ended up being a very long night).

If I terminate the relationship......and yeah I know it would be better in alot

of ways for my dd, but understand she LOVES them and wants to see them...so I've

been working and trying to come up with a solution.....how do I not break her

heart? I feel like I have the choices of two different hells, and I am afraid

they will try to take her from me. (yeah I know I have all the rights but it is

still a scary prospect).....HELP!

[Guest guest]

I don't have children, but I'm sure that members here who do will have some

experience with what you are going through and can share their insights.

But I do want to suggest that if your demanding, aggressive, controlling parents

are privately contacting your minor child behind your back and upsetting her

then I think that is dangerously disruptive.

So my suggestion is that you either block your daughter's cel phone from

receiving texts, e-mails or phone calls from your parents for a while, or just

take her cel phone for a while.

Or screen and monitor/supervise all her calls and Internet access. Cel phones

and Internet access make it all too easy for your daughter to be contacted

without your permission or even knowledge, allowing your parents to use Fear,

Obligation and Guilt to pressure your minor child into feeling responsible for

their feelings, allowing them to fill her mind with God knows what kind of lies

and misinformation, coercion, bribery, etc.

Your parents' communication access to your minor child needs to stop ASAP, in my

opinion.

Best of luck to you, it sounds like a truly nightmarish situation. Keep posting

when you can, we're here and we get it.

-Annie

>

> Ok so after being mostly NC since June, and working to get my and my

daughter's life on track, I get a text from nada. She had sent me a text the

day before about how she missed her granddaughter (my dd is 13 and they did have

a hand in raising her because they demanded and I was being a doormat). Next

day I get a text.. " Can we have Kaylee Wednesday and Thursday night? " I didn't

respond. Fada.... " Did you see Mom's message? " Yes but I need to think about it,

I said. Which I did. No I wasn't going to allow them to have her that long,

however I needed to decide if I was strong enough to face them and whether they

should see her at all. When pushed, I said it wasn't appropriate because we

needed to work on our relationship first....well then it got into the blame

game, how I am a horrible daughter, how I " deserve whats coming to me when

Kaylee grows up and treats me this way " how my mom is innocent, how I never

encouraged K to contact them during this time (what part of NC don't they get?)

>

> I take a break from the ranting and go check on my daughter who is in tears

because nada sent her a text about how she will always love her and she misses

her and blah blah blah, and K thinks she is telling her goodbye. My 13 year old

is a wreck because of this whole situation btw, I have her in counselling, but

she has talked about how she " wants to not be here for awhile " . It scares the

crap out of me, and it is how the whole thing started. I put her immediately in

counselling, and tried to take control of the situation.

>

>

> Anyways, I come back after calming her to see more texts, demanding that I

apologize, demanding that I call. Accusing me of using dd as a " pawn " and

refusing to let them see her, which was a " bad idea " according to fada. I took

that as a threat and told him so. When he started to attack me emotionally, I

ended the conversation. I said I will be happy to talk to you on Thursday, I am

done talking to you tonight. When we do talk on Thursday it is crucial we do so

with respect. Fada called me a " little dictator " and said that I need to grow

up if I am going to make rules....and that I have to earn respect.

>

>

> So...here I am. I want the respect and love that I shouldn't have to earn

from my parents, but that won't happen. I don't want to be treated as a dishrag

like I have been all these years. I want badly to terminate the relationship

completely, but I don't want to break my dd heart in the process. My husband is

trying to be supportive, but in his male stupidity said he thinks I'm jealous of

my daughter. (It ended up being a very long night).

>

> If I terminate the relationship......and yeah I know it would be better in

alot of ways for my dd, but understand she LOVES them and wants to see them...so

I've been working and trying to come up with a solution.....how do I not break

her heart? I feel like I have the choices of two different hells, and I am

afraid they will try to take her from me. (yeah I know I have all the rights

but it is still a scary prospect).....HELP!

>

[Guest guest]

Tina, I am with Annie on this. When I realized that my nada had gotten my son's

cell phone number, I got into the settings in his phone and blocked her number.

Thankfully, nada does not text and never will. She is resistant to learning new

technology. All I Know is that I set it up to where if she calls him, it goes

straight to his voice mail. I don't have a way of blocking that, but my son is

12, he never listens to his VM anyway unless it is one of his buddies. After her

behavior during my husbands illness and subsequent passing, my son knows a bit

more about his his grandnada and what she is not a reliable source of accurate

information. I would look into this and see if her phone does this and trust me,

it took some digging around in the settings folders to dig this one up. If hers

doesn't do it maybe look into a phone that has that capability or check with

your service provider and see if they offer enhanced parental control features.

It usually costs a little more, but it gives you a lot more control over your

childs technology. C

> >

> > Ok so after being mostly NC since June, and working to get my and my

daughter's life on track, I get a text from nada. She had sent me a text the

day before about how she missed her granddaughter (my dd is 13 and they did have

a hand in raising her because they demanded and I was being a doormat). Next

day I get a text.. " Can we have Kaylee Wednesday and Thursday night? " I didn't

respond. Fada.... " Did you see Mom's message? " Yes but I need to think about it,

I said. Which I did. No I wasn't going to allow them to have her that long,

however I needed to decide if I was strong enough to face them and whether they

should see her at all. When pushed, I said it wasn't appropriate because we

needed to work on our relationship first....well then it got into the blame

game, how I am a horrible daughter, how I " deserve whats coming to me when

Kaylee grows up and treats me this way " how my mom is innocent, how I never

encouraged K to contact them during this time (what part of NC don't they get?)

> >

> > I take a break from the ranting and go check on my daughter who is in tears

because nada sent her a text about how she will always love her and she misses

her and blah blah blah, and K thinks she is telling her goodbye. My 13 year old

is a wreck because of this whole situation btw, I have her in counselling, but

she has talked about how she " wants to not be here for awhile " . It scares the

crap out of me, and it is how the whole thing started. I put her immediately in

counselling, and tried to take control of the situation.

> >

> >

> > Anyways, I come back after calming her to see more texts, demanding that I

apologize, demanding that I call. Accusing me of using dd as a " pawn " and

refusing to let them see her, which was a " bad idea " according to fada. I took

that as a threat and told him so. When he started to attack me emotionally, I

ended the conversation. I said I will be happy to talk to you on Thursday, I am

done talking to you tonight. When we do talk on Thursday it is crucial we do so

with respect. Fada called me a " little dictator " and said that I need to grow

up if I am going to make rules....and that I have to earn respect.

> >

> >

> > So...here I am. I want the respect and love that I shouldn't have to earn

from my parents, but that won't happen. I don't want to be treated as a dishrag

like I have been all these years. I want badly to terminate the relationship

completely, but I don't want to break my dd heart in the process. My husband is

trying to be supportive, but in his male stupidity said he thinks I'm jealous of

my daughter. (It ended up being a very long night).

> >

> > If I terminate the relationship......and yeah I know it would be better in

alot of ways for my dd, but understand she LOVES them and wants to see them...so

I've been working and trying to come up with a solution.....how do I not break

her heart? I feel like I have the choices of two different hells, and I am

afraid they will try to take her from me. (yeah I know I have all the rights

but it is still a scary prospect).....HELP!

> >

>

[Guest guest]

To be honest that whole scene would have pissed me off and I would have

impulsively said, you will NEVER see your grandchild now. My mind would have

said, how dare they upset my child by going around my back and using her as a

pawn to get what they want!!!! They have no concept of love and respect. I am

sure that is not what I should be saying, but that would have been my gut

reaction. I am proud that you didn't give into any feelings and have been

trying to positively sort it out!! Bravo for you, Tina.

This is a really hard one. I guess I would have to look at what is the best case

scenario for everyone since it is not all about me here. I have gotten to the

point where I don't have any sympathy for untreated BPDs. I know that sounds

horrible but that is honestly where I am at today. But I do think you have to

consider your child's feelings and also how much your child can handle being

with people that are not healthy, by the sounds of it. Where are those

boundaries for you and your sweet daughter?

>

> Ok so after being mostly NC since June, and working to get my and my

daughter's life on track, I get a text from nada. She had sent me a text the

day before about how she missed her granddaughter (my dd is 13 and they did have

a hand in raising her because they demanded and I was being a doormat). Next

day I get a text.. " Can we have Kaylee Wednesday and Thursday night? " I didn't

respond. Fada.... " Did you see Mom's message? " Yes but I need to think about it,

I said. Which I did. No I wasn't going to allow them to have her that long,

however I needed to decide if I was strong enough to face them and whether they

should see her at all. When pushed, I said it wasn't appropriate because we

needed to work on our relationship first....well then it got into the blame

game, how I am a horrible daughter, how I " deserve whats coming to me when

Kaylee grows up and treats me this way " how my mom is innocent, how I never

encouraged K to contact them during this time (what part of NC don't they get?)

>

> I take a break from the ranting and go check on my daughter who is in tears

because nada sent her a text about how she will always love her and she misses

her and blah blah blah, and K thinks she is telling her goodbye. My 13 year old

is a wreck because of this whole situation btw, I have her in counselling, but

she has talked about how she " wants to not be here for awhile " . It scares the

crap out of me, and it is how the whole thing started. I put her immediately in

counselling, and tried to take control of the situation.

>

>

> Anyways, I come back after calming her to see more texts, demanding that I

apologize, demanding that I call. Accusing me of using dd as a " pawn " and

refusing to let them see her, which was a " bad idea " according to fada. I took

that as a threat and told him so. When he started to attack me emotionally, I

ended the conversation. I said I will be happy to talk to you on Thursday, I am

done talking to you tonight. When we do talk on Thursday it is crucial we do so

with respect. Fada called me a " little dictator " and said that I need to grow

up if I am going to make rules....and that I have to earn respect.

>

>

> So...here I am. I want the respect and love that I shouldn't have to earn

from my parents, but that won't happen. I don't want to be treated as a dishrag

like I have been all these years. I want badly to terminate the relationship

completely, but I don't want to break my dd heart in the process. My husband is

trying to be supportive, but in his male stupidity said he thinks I'm jealous of

my daughter. (It ended up being a very long night).

>

> If I terminate the relationship......and yeah I know it would be better in

alot of ways for my dd, but understand she LOVES them and wants to see them...so

I've been working and trying to come up with a solution.....how do I not break

her heart? I feel like I have the choices of two different hells, and I am

afraid they will try to take her from me. (yeah I know I have all the rights

but it is still a scary prospect).....HELP!

>

[Guest guest]

I absolutely agree about blocking the email.

I would also caution you about thinking it is important and necessary for your

daughter to have a relationship with your parents.  I understand she will be

heartbroken...but she's going to be heartbroken and battered (emotionally, at

the very least) if she has a relationship with them.  Never, ever, ever

underestimate the power of a BPD grandparent to undermine the relationship

between their own child and grandchild.  I've been watching it happen with a

friend and her 11 year old daughter (MIL is the problem, there) and my friend is

finally deciding that she'd rather have her child angry with her because of my

friend saying " No, you can't go. " than having her daughter traumatized by

grandma AND mad at mommy for things Grandma said about Mommy.

Tara

________________________________

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Sent: Monday, August 6, 2012 11:23 AM

Subject: Re: UGG!! Help! In H-e-double hockey sticks!

 

Tina, I am with Annie on this. When I realized that my nada had gotten my son's

cell phone number, I got into the settings in his phone and blocked her number.

Thankfully, nada does not text and never will. She is resistant to learning new

technology. All I Know is that I set it up to where if she calls him, it goes

straight to his voice mail. I don't have a way of blocking that, but my son is

12, he never listens to his VM anyway unless it is one of his buddies. After her

behavior during my husbands illness and subsequent passing, my son knows a bit

more about his his grandnada and what she is not a reliable source of accurate

information. I would look into this and see if her phone does this and trust me,

it took some digging around in the settings folders to dig this one up. If hers

doesn't do it maybe look into a phone that has that capability or check with

your service provider and see if they offer enhanced parental control features.

It usually

costs a little more, but it gives you a lot more control over your childs

technology. C

> >

> > Ok so after being mostly NC since June, and working to get my and my

daughter's life on track, I get a text from nada. She had sent me a text the

day before about how she missed her granddaughter (my dd is 13 and they did have

a hand in raising her because they demanded and I was being a doormat). Next

day I get a text.. " Can we have Kaylee Wednesday and Thursday night? " I didn't

respond. Fada.... " Did you see Mom's message? " Yes but I need to think about it,

I said. Which I did. No I wasn't going to allow them to have her that long,

however I needed to decide if I was strong enough to face them and whether they

should see her at all. When pushed, I said it wasn't appropriate because we

needed to work on our relationship first....well then it got into the blame

game, how I am a horrible daughter, how I " deserve whats coming to me when

Kaylee grows up and treats me this way " how my mom is innocent, how I never

encouraged K to contact them during

this time (what part of NC don't they get?)

> >

> > I take a break from the ranting and go check on my daughter who is in tears

because nada sent her a text about how she will always love her and she misses

her and blah blah blah, and K thinks she is telling her goodbye. My 13 year old

is a wreck because of this whole situation btw, I have her in counselling, but

she has talked about how she " wants to not be here for awhile " . It scares the

crap out of me, and it is how the whole thing started. I put her immediately in

counselling, and tried to take control of the situation.

> >

> >

> > Anyways, I come back after calming her to see more texts, demanding that I

apologize, demanding that I call. Accusing me of using dd as a " pawn " and

refusing to let them see her, which was a " bad idea " according to fada. I took

that as a threat and told him so. When he started to attack me emotionally, I

ended the conversation. I said I will be happy to talk to you on Thursday, I am

done talking to you tonight. When we do talk on Thursday it is crucial we do so

with respect. Fada called me a " little dictator " and said that I need to grow

up if I am going to make rules....and that I have to earn respect.

> >

> >

> > So...here I am. I want the respect and love that I shouldn't have to earn

from my parents, but that won't happen. I don't want to be treated as a dishrag

like I have been all these years. I want badly to terminate the relationship

completely, but I don't want to break my dd heart in the process. My husband is

trying to be supportive, but in his male stupidity said he thinks I'm jealous of

my daughter. (It ended up being a very long night).

> >

> > If I terminate the relationship......and yeah I know it would be better in

alot of ways for my dd, but understand she LOVES them and wants to see them...so

I've been working and trying to come up with a solution.....how do I not break

her heart? I feel like I have the choices of two different hells, and I am

afraid they will try to take her from me. (yeah I know I have all the rights

but it is still a scary prospect).....HELP!

> >

>

[Guest guest]

((((Tina)))) - I can relate so much to what you're going through.

if my father was still alive, I can imagine my situation would be very much like

yours. He had a strong, bullying type of personality alongside my mother's

controlling, fearful/anxious/phobic one.

My nada is widowed and constantly trying to infiltrate her influence and two

cents into how I raise my teen and grade schooler, etc.

My first thought as I read your post was: " Tina cannot fix this problem on her

own. " And I don't mean that *at all* negatively. What I mean is, this is bigger

than you, bigger than any one person. Just my opinion (and remember, you know

the situation best, so take what I'm saying with that in mind), but I don't

think it's a good idea for you to have a talk with your parents on Thursday. No

talk of any kind. I just don't think any good will come of it. It sounds like it

will descend into bullying, yelling, and browbeating and perhaps with you

feeling that you have to explain yourself to your parents.

Your parents sound, from your post, like they simply don't care to hear your

boundaries, it's their way or the highway kind of thing. From what you said,

they're not used to you *having* boundaries from so many years of them telling

you what to do and they like the dance the way it is.

It just sounds like you need space, esp for your daughter's sake. She may love

them and want to see them, but they are sending her some very bad messages about

you. The way they talk to her about you is a huge boundary to enforce. It almost

seems like your parents think they have more of a right to your daughter than

YOU do b/c they helped you care for her early on. That is so off base on their

part.

You may need to go very low contact or back to no contact, and insist that until

they get professional help, there will be no relationship. It sounds like their

demands are affecting her. Maybe consider blocking their number from her phone

and yours (Maybe get her a new #).

Also, please consider saving their messages, texts, etc. They just sound really

chaotic and as you said, threatening. You mentioned a fear of them trying to

take her from you; this is where saving their documented craziness will help. I

really doubt that would ever happen, but they just don't sound like they're

willing to speak peacefully about anything with you.

btw, good for you for getting your daughter counseling.

Hugs! I wish you a ton of courage; you can do this. Stay strong!!,

Fiona

>

> Ok so after being mostly NC since June, and working to get my and my

daughter's life on track, I get a text from nada. She had sent me a text the

day before about how she missed her granddaughter (my dd is 13 and they did have

a hand in raising her because they demanded and I was being a doormat). Next

day I get a text.. " Can we have Kaylee Wednesday and Thursday night? " I didn't

respond. Fada.... " Did you see Mom's message? " Yes but I need to think about it,

I said. Which I did. No I wasn't going to allow them to have her that long,

however I needed to decide if I was strong enough to face them and whether they

should see her at all. When pushed, I said it wasn't appropriate because we

needed to work on our relationship first....well then it got into the blame

game, how I am a horrible daughter, how I " deserve whats coming to me when

Kaylee grows up and treats me this way " how my mom is innocent, how I never

encouraged K to contact them during this time (what part of NC don't they get?)

>

> I take a break from the ranting and go check on my daughter who is in tears

because nada sent her a text about how she will always love her and she misses

her and blah blah blah, and K thinks she is telling her goodbye. My 13 year old

is a wreck because of this whole situation btw, I have her in counselling, but

she has talked about how she " wants to not be here for awhile " . It scares the

crap out of me, and it is how the whole thing started. I put her immediately in

counselling, and tried to take control of the situation.

>

>

> Anyways, I come back after calming her to see more texts, demanding that I

apologize, demanding that I call. Accusing me of using dd as a " pawn " and

refusing to let them see her, which was a " bad idea " according to fada. I took

that as a threat and told him so. When he started to attack me emotionally, I

ended the conversation. I said I will be happy to talk to you on Thursday, I am

done talking to you tonight. When we do talk on Thursday it is crucial we do so

with respect. Fada called me a " little dictator " and said that I need to grow

up if I am going to make rules....and that I have to earn respect.

>

>

> So...here I am. I want the respect and love that I shouldn't have to earn

from my parents, but that won't happen. I don't want to be treated as a dishrag

like I have been all these years. I want badly to terminate the relationship

completely, but I don't want to break my dd heart in the process. My husband is

trying to be supportive, but in his male stupidity said he thinks I'm jealous of

my daughter. (It ended up being a very long night).

>

> If I terminate the relationship......and yeah I know it would be better in

alot of ways for my dd, but understand she LOVES them and wants to see them...so

I've been working and trying to come up with a solution.....how do I not break

her heart? I feel like I have the choices of two different hells, and I am

afraid they will try to take her from me. (yeah I know I have all the rights

but it is still a scary prospect).....HELP!

>

[Guest guest]

Wow. BP parents are a bitch, arent they?

Ok, a few suggestions for you. First, never let them dictate the terms of

relationships or rules of the game. So, first and foremost, get your daughter s

phone number changed and do NOT let them have it. Do NOT let them pull her into

the game.

Next, tell them you will not talk to them or take their messages for a while,

until YOU decide you are ready. Tell them anytime they try to contact you or dd

before you tell them you are ready will extend the NC period by one month.

Furthermore , tell them that under NO circumstances whatsoever will you ever

tolerate the kind of abusive rants you described her. Any future occurances will

result in more NC.

Your dad accused you of being a dictator for making rules concerning your 13 yo

daughter. I assume you are and adult mother, over 21? You are the one who is

supposed to make the damn rules! Not them.

> So...here I am. I want the respect and love that I shouldn't have to earn

from my parents, but that won't happen.

No, it wont. That is not in the cards for BP or NP parents. That is not your

fault, but you cannot let them emotionally blackmail you hoping it will someday.

You don t need to termintate the relationship. You do need to take control of

it and set boundaries.

If you speak to me abusively, you will not have contact with me for a period of

time. You need to get your husband a copy of Stop Walking on Eggshells and

Surviving the Borderline Mother.

Regarding your daughter. It will hurt if she cares for Grand nada and cannot see

her much. BUT, having raised 4 kids, let me tell you everythign is a major

emotional storm to a 13 year old girl. Better to endure that, than to have her

subjected to BP s alone.

Remember, your role is not to be your dd s BFF and make give her everythign she

wants. Sometimes, it is to risk having her mad at you because you say HELL NO

you are not going to that college frat party!

My unbreakable rule of thumb regarding kids and Grand nada or fada is quite

simple. Never. Ever. Under any circumstances whatsoever. Not if it means

selling the house and moving out of state. Never, leave any child , even

teenagers, alone with a BP for any purpose, for any amount of time. If I were a

judge or legistator, I would equate it with any other form of child abuse. All

the shit they did to you, all the mind rapes you endured from them, all the FOG

manipulation, do you think for a moment they don t start that the instant you

are gone with her? Witness the texts you spoke of. Now imagine your emotional,

hurting, 13 yo dd, alone with them.

If she sees them, subject to thier good behavior, it should be in a controlled

situation, in which YOU are there.

If the relationship is terminated, let it be because they refuse to respect your

healhty boundaries.

Better your daughter should be mad at you, or hurt by not seeing them, than

subjected to thier stuff.

If you havent done so, I would suggest you get and read Boundaries, by Drs Cloud

and Townsend.

I would also suggest, gently, that while it s great your dd is in counseling, it

might be very helpful if you and your husband were as well, if for no other

reason than to help him understand what it is the be a child of PD parents.

Dont let others build a hell for you. You do have a right to build a fence of

healthy boundaries for you, and your daughter.

There is no reason for you to tolerate the cruel, viscious things they are

putting you through.

So, dont.

Doug

[Guest guest]

Hi Tina,

To me, this sends major alarm bells. I would cease contact immediately. They

obviously don't care about your child's mental well being. She is THIRTEEN. They

have no business including her in their feud. It's sick. I would maybe seek

advice about this from her therapist. BPDs will always, always have poisonous

things to say, but it will often be disguised. Your DD is not old enough to

distinguish what's poisonous vs innocent. This, as you well know from being a

KO, is extremely detrimental to her well being.

>

> Ok so after being mostly NC since June, and working to get my and my

daughter's life on track, I get a text from nada. She had sent me a text the

day before about how she missed her granddaughter (my dd is 13 and they did have

a hand in raising her because they demanded and I was being a doormat). Next

day I get a text.. " Can we have Kaylee Wednesday and Thursday night? " I didn't

respond. Fada.... " Did you see Mom's message? " Yes but I need to think about it,

I said. Which I did. No I wasn't going to allow them to have her that long,

however I needed to decide if I was strong enough to face them and whether they

should see her at all. When pushed, I said it wasn't appropriate because we

needed to work on our relationship first....well then it got into the blame

game, how I am a horrible daughter, how I " deserve whats coming to me when

Kaylee grows up and treats me this way " how my mom is innocent, how I never

encouraged K to contact them during this time (what part of NC don't they get?)

>

> I take a break from the ranting and go check on my daughter who is in tears

because nada sent her a text about how she will always love her and she misses

her and blah blah blah, and K thinks she is telling her goodbye. My 13 year old

is a wreck because of this whole situation btw, I have her in counselling, but

she has talked about how she " wants to not be here for awhile " . It scares the

crap out of me, and it is how the whole thing started. I put her immediately in

counselling, and tried to take control of the situation.

>

>

> Anyways, I come back after calming her to see more texts, demanding that I

apologize, demanding that I call. Accusing me of using dd as a " pawn " and

refusing to let them see her, which was a " bad idea " according to fada. I took

that as a threat and told him so. When he started to attack me emotionally, I

ended the conversation. I said I will be happy to talk to you on Thursday, I am

done talking to you tonight. When we do talk on Thursday it is crucial we do so

with respect. Fada called me a " little dictator " and said that I need to grow

up if I am going to make rules....and that I have to earn respect.

>

>

> So...here I am. I want the respect and love that I shouldn't have to earn

from my parents, but that won't happen. I don't want to be treated as a dishrag

like I have been all these years. I want badly to terminate the relationship

completely, but I don't want to break my dd heart in the process. My husband is

trying to be supportive, but in his male stupidity said he thinks I'm jealous of

my daughter. (It ended up being a very long night).

>

> If I terminate the relationship......and yeah I know it would be better in

alot of ways for my dd, but understand she LOVES them and wants to see them...so

I've been working and trying to come up with a solution.....how do I not break

her heart? I feel like I have the choices of two different hells, and I am

afraid they will try to take her from me. (yeah I know I have all the rights

but it is still a scary prospect).....HELP!

>

[Guest guest]

Thank you to all of you who replied. I am working thru the swoe book and

workbook, and plan on letting my dd read it, and I think its a great idea for dh

to read it too.

An update....yesterday fada tried to use a little honey, " lets stop the arguing,

let us have her on Wednesday when you work " but I still said No. Not until you

sit down and talk to me.....this continued back and forth until finally fada got

angry and started to sling poo at me, insisting I tell him what I mean by rules.

Telling me dd is in good company with them, how they are my parents....and

finally ended with a refusal to talk to me, and a very childish " leave me alone "

from fada.

So at this point, I think I am going to take your advice, and change dd's

number, and remain NC. I feel bad that I didn't see the pain it caused my dd to

be with them until recently, because she's always been on the pedestal, but I

know I have to do the right thing and protect her.

Funny how I had to do this when she was in preschool and kindergarten, I had to

protect her from her step brother, and I think that is what scares me the most,

I remember how nada and fada reacted, and I do truly know that it isn't beyond

them to fight tooth and nail over whomever they see as a threat. Then it was my

ex's step son. Now it is me.

On a side note, we are both in counselling, and my dh has talked to my counselor

but I think we may need to have him talk to her again. Thanks again, I am glad

to have you all.

> >

> > Ok so after being mostly NC since June, and working to get my and my

daughter's life on track, I get a text from nada. She had sent me a text the

day before about how she missed her granddaughter (my dd is 13 and they did have

a hand in raising her because they demanded and I was being a doormat). Next

day I get a text.. " Can we have Kaylee Wednesday and Thursday night? " I didn't

respond. Fada.... " Did you see Mom's message? " Yes but I need to think about it,

I said. Which I did. No I wasn't going to allow them to have her that long,

however I needed to decide if I was strong enough to face them and whether they

should see her at all. When pushed, I said it wasn't appropriate because we

needed to work on our relationship first....well then it got into the blame

game, how I am a horrible daughter, how I " deserve whats coming to me when

Kaylee grows up and treats me this way " how my mom is innocent, how I never

encouraged K to contact them during this time (what part of NC don't they get?)

> >

> > I take a break from the ranting and go check on my daughter who is in tears

because nada sent her a text about how she will always love her and she misses

her and blah blah blah, and K thinks she is telling her goodbye. My 13 year old

is a wreck because of this whole situation btw, I have her in counselling, but

she has talked about how she " wants to not be here for awhile " . It scares the

crap out of me, and it is how the whole thing started. I put her immediately in

counselling, and tried to take control of the situation.

> >

> >

> > Anyways, I come back after calming her to see more texts, demanding that I

apologize, demanding that I call. Accusing me of using dd as a " pawn " and

refusing to let them see her, which was a " bad idea " according to fada. I took

that as a threat and told him so. When he started to attack me emotionally, I

ended the conversation. I said I will be happy to talk to you on Thursday, I am

done talking to you tonight. When we do talk on Thursday it is crucial we do so

with respect. Fada called me a " little dictator " and said that I need to grow

up if I am going to make rules....and that I have to earn respect.

> >

> >

> > So...here I am. I want the respect and love that I shouldn't have to earn

from my parents, but that won't happen. I don't want to be treated as a dishrag

like I have been all these years. I want badly to terminate the relationship

completely, but I don't want to break my dd heart in the process. My husband is

trying to be supportive, but in his male stupidity said he thinks I'm jealous of

my daughter. (It ended up being a very long night).

> >

> > If I terminate the relationship......and yeah I know it would be better in

alot of ways for my dd, but understand she LOVES them and wants to see them...so

I've been working and trying to come up with a solution.....how do I not break

her heart? I feel like I have the choices of two different hells, and I am

afraid they will try to take her from me. (yeah I know I have all the rights

but it is still a scary prospect).....HELP!

> >

>

[Guest guest]

I am not a popular poster on this board because I am nc now for the last five

years. I have a 19 year old now that was 14 at the time and she was one of the

reasons I made the final call. I saw what was happening to her and what was

happening to us. I finally realized that I, like you, was responsible for me

and her only. I was never responsible for my very ill witch bpd mother or my

cluefree stepfather. I had to take control of the situation in the only way I

could think of and that was to go no contact. That meant no contact with anyone

else that would continue to have contact with her and me, or my daughter, which

pretty much meant anyone else I knew at the time. In my situation, I had to

stop the back and forth communication which made everything so much worse. But

cutting off communicatwion with everyone was very scary and lonely. I had to

just cease contact, with no explanation, with most of my entire family, friends,

and business associates, even my very best friend who had been emailing with the

bitch behind my back for years. I closed my window blinds, locked my doors,

turned off my cell, stopped answering the landlines, and burned all mail that

came to the house from her. I changed my email address and only gave it out to

trusted folks and changed it a couple times. I moved to another town. She

found me. She stalked me. She stalked my daughter. They both took my daughter

out of school one day and got her hysterical telling her how sick her father was

and how sorry they are that I am her father. I then talked to everyone at the

school about them to make sure this couldn't happen again. The next time they

tried this, they were turned away and very angry. My daughter, despite my

attempts to keep her away from them, continued to see them behind my back. She

gave them info about me and lied to me about it. She showed my mother my

facebook page. She is finally coming around. She is finally seeing this sick

woman for what she really is. It has taken all this time. Fortunately, she

didn't grow up with her like I did. But, like in your situation, my mother took

care of my daughter when my ex and I were first married and my ex went back to

work. She had way too much influence. I wasn't yet aware of the extent of her

illness or even that she had bpd. thank God I finally was clued in and found

out about Eggshells and this message board. truly saved my life. I thought I

was going crazy. and my poor ex wife went thru absolute hell. my mother

treated her horribly. I have guilt for that. not that I didn't live in hell my

self. anyhow....my point is....do what you need to do to take control of your

own life and family and to hell with your mother and father. they will do just

fine on their own. think of the mileage they will get out of the martyr

routine. I know my mother is playing it up real good. she only has one son

that she simply adored and what did he do to her? walked out in her waning

years! ha! I hope she wins an Oscer for her performance. I am so much happier

and life is so much more peaceful and uncomplicated than it used to be. okay.

Do what you think is right. love and peace to you. we walk in your shoes.

>

> Ok so after being mostly NC since June, and working to get my and my

daughter's life on track, I get a text from nada. She had sent me a text the

day before about how she missed her granddaughter (my dd is 13 and they did have

a hand in raising her because they demanded and I was being a doormat). Next

day I get a text.. " Can we have Kaylee Wednesday and Thursday night? " I didn't

respond. Fada.... " Did you see Mom's message? " Yes but I need to think about it,

I said. Which I did. No I wasn't going to allow them to have her that long,

however I needed to decide if I was strong enough to face them and whether they

should see her at all. When pushed, I said it wasn't appropriate because we

needed to work on our relationship first....well then it got into the blame

game, how I am a horrible daughter, how I " deserve whats coming to me when

Kaylee grows up and treats me this way " how my mom is innocent, how I never

encouraged K to contact them during this time (what part of NC don't they get?)

>

> I take a break from the ranting and go check on my daughter who is in tears

because nada sent her a text about how she will always love her and she misses

her and blah blah blah, and K thinks she is telling her goodbye. My 13 year old

is a wreck because of this whole situation btw, I have her in counselling, but

she has talked about how she " wants to not be here for awhile " . It scares the

crap out of me, and it is how the whole thing started. I put her immediately in

counselling, and tried to take control of the situation.

>

>

> Anyways, I come back after calming her to see more texts, demanding that I

apologize, demanding that I call. Accusing me of using dd as a " pawn " and

refusing to let them see her, which was a " bad idea " according to fada. I took

that as a threat and told him so. When he started to attack me emotionally, I

ended the conversation. I said I will be happy to talk to you on Thursday, I am

done talking to you tonight. When we do talk on Thursday it is crucial we do so

with respect. Fada called me a " little dictator " and said that I need to grow

up if I am going to make rules....and that I have to earn respect.

>

>

> So...here I am. I want the respect and love that I shouldn't have to earn

from my parents, but that won't happen. I don't want to be treated as a dishrag

like I have been all these years. I want badly to terminate the relationship

completely, but I don't want to break my dd heart in the process. My husband is

trying to be supportive, but in his male stupidity said he thinks I'm jealous of

my daughter. (It ended up being a very long night).

>

> If I terminate the relationship......and yeah I know it would be better in

alot of ways for my dd, but understand she LOVES them and wants to see them...so

I've been working and trying to come up with a solution.....how do I not break

her heart? I feel like I have the choices of two different hells, and I am

afraid they will try to take her from me. (yeah I know I have all the rights

but it is still a scary prospect).....HELP!

>

[Guest guest]

Thank you all for your encouraging responses.  I feel very strong right now,

knowing that I am not alone and so many others have been through this too.  A

little update, after fada sent more texts, first politely then angrily, then

finally did the childish leave me alone.....he called my dh at work and asked to

meet with us, which has been my only real request for them since this began

because although I know I can't use logic with the illogical, and that I don't

OWE them an explanation, I want to set some ground rules.  They asked to meet

Wednesday at 5, I debated but I agreed...well guess what? they changed the time

to 6 at 4:45.  Then....I bet you all know what they did next.....Yep.  They said

nada wasn't feeling well so maybe tomorrow or maybe next week after they see the

doctor. UGG the Dr. is my Dr who I recommended to them, and a friend of mine. I

can only imagine the alienation techniques they are going to use when they see

him, the lies

they will tell about me. Either way, I hate thinking that way because I

question if I am paranoid....but I'm not. am I? lol...sigh...So if they don't

show tonight, which I'm certain they won't, I will give them one last

chance...three strikes your out.  Then NC, because this is just too stressful

for me, and I swear that is why they are doing this.  My dd understands, and

understands that I will block their number on her phone, and I will get a court

order so they are not permitted to pick her up from school if I need to.  I

won't move away from this city, I came here to get away from them, and I love my

city and I am well respected and liked here, so here I will stay, but may

consider a move to a different part of the suburbs, if need be.  Thanks again

for the support, it really is enabling to know that people have been there and

done that!

 

God Bless America!!

[Guest guest]

(((((Tina)))))

That takes a lot of courage, but you and your daughter deserve to have freedom

from emotional abuse, manipulation and persecution from your fada and nada. I'm

glad for you that you are taking the steps to secure that freedom for you and

your daughter. Kudos to you.

-Annie

>

> Thank you all for your encouraging responses.  I feel very strong right now,

knowing that I am not alone and so many others have been through this too.  A

little update, after fada sent more texts, first politely then angrily, then

finally did the childish leave me alone.....he called my dh at work and asked to

meet with us, which has been my only real request for them since this began

because although I know I can't use logic with the illogical, and that I don't

OWE them an explanation, I want to set some ground rules.  They asked to meet

Wednesday at 5, I debated but I agreed...well guess what? they changed the time

to 6 at 4:45.  Then....I bet you all know what they did next.....Yep.  They said

nada wasn't feeling well so maybe tomorrow or maybe next week after they see the

doctor. UGG the Dr. is my Dr who I recommended to them, and a friend of mine. I

can only imagine the alienation techniques they are going to use when they see

him, the lies

> they will tell about me. Either way, I hate thinking that way because I

question if I am paranoid....but I'm not. am I? lol...sigh...So if they don't

show tonight, which I'm certain they won't, I will give them one last

chance...three strikes your out.  Then NC, because this is just too stressful

for me, and I swear that is why they are doing this.  My dd understands, and

understands that I will block their number on her phone, and I will get a court

order so they are not permitted to pick her up from school if I need to.  I

won't move away from this city, I came here to get away from them, and I love my

city and I am well respected and liked here, so here I will stay, but may

consider a move to a different part of the suburbs, if need be.  Thanks again

for the support, it really is enabling to know that people have been there and

done that!

>  

> God Bless America!!

>

>

[Guest guest]

Wow well tonight I actually got the chance to sit down with them, after assuring

nada this wasn't going to be an annihilation of her character (as she " just

can't take that " ). I barely started talking when I was told to get to the

point, so I did. I explained that I was uncomfortable with my dd being there

overnight or at all alone for a while, considering the texts I had received, and

that was all it took. WW3 started again, with nada throwing a tantrum, fada

yelling. The last text nada sent my dtr (she is now blocked btw) was " miss and

love you, what we have is very special and we won't let anyone ruin that, not

even your mother " (meaning me). My fada went to the the door following nada and

the last things he said were We raised her, we did your laundry, we fed

you....and this is how you treat us. Then he flipped me off. OUCH! I told him

to get the hell out of my husbands office...they left...and then dh, grrrr this

part infuriates me, is tied up in his own " disappointment that this (the

meeting) didn't work out since he wasted 4 days on it. " 4 days??? I just lost

my parents and YOU are disappointed?? UGG! Feeling quite alone right now,

fortunately dd understands, and willingly blocked their numbers. And I guess

that means I am joining the NC club too.

>

> Thank you all for your encouraging responses.  I feel very strong right now,

knowing that I am not alone and so many others have been through this too.  A

little update, after fada sent more texts, first politely then angrily, then

finally did the childish leave me alone.....he called my dh at work and asked to

meet with us, which has been my only real request for them since this began

because although I know I can't use logic with the illogical, and that I don't

OWE them an explanation, I want to set some ground rules.  They asked to meet

Wednesday at 5, I debated but I agreed...well guess what? they changed the time

to 6 at 4:45.  Then....I bet you all know what they did next.....Yep.  They said

nada wasn't feeling well so maybe tomorrow or maybe next week after they see the

doctor. UGG the Dr. is my Dr who I recommended to them, and a friend of mine. I

can only imagine the alienation techniques they are going to use when they see

him, the lies

> they will tell about me. Either way, I hate thinking that way because I

question if I am paranoid....but I'm not. am I? lol...sigh...So if they don't

show tonight, which I'm certain they won't, I will give them one last

chance...three strikes your out.  Then NC, because this is just too stressful

for me, and I swear that is why they are doing this.  My dd understands, and

understands that I will block their number on her phone, and I will get a court

order so they are not permitted to pick her up from school if I need to.  I

won't move away from this city, I came here to get away from them, and I love my

city and I am well respected and liked here, so here I will stay, but may

consider a move to a different part of the suburbs, if need be.  Thanks again

for the support, it really is enabling to know that people have been there and

done that!

>  

> God Bless America!!

>

>

[Guest guest]

Your parents sound like they are accustomed to being in total control as though

they own you, used to dictating all the terms of their relationship with you.

They sound like they expect you to knuckle under / put out when they pressure

you enough or push the right buttons, as though you are a kind of robot

programmed to obey them.

Its clear that they're having trouble comprehending being told " No " in relation

to something they want and feel entitled to have (in this case, free access to

your minor child.) What a couple of infants!

Bpds with a lot of narcissistic pd traits tend to behave very much like you

describe your parents' behavior. I'm no psychologist, but it seems to me that

your parents had a fine little bpd/npd rage-tantrum at you for saying " No " to

them, including flipping you off!! Again, its very infantile behavior.

I hope you can come to regard this " No Contact " period as a kind of

mini-vacation. I feel pretty confident in guessing that it won't last long, and

that various acts of retaliation will not be far behind. Keep reading books

about bpd, particularly " Understanding The Borderline Mother " and " Surviving A

Borderline Parent. " Knowledge is power, and its empowering.

Me personally, I hope that you and your husband can develop a closer

understanding about the very real problems that your domineering, controlling

parents are causing and how they are upsetting your daughter, particularly.

ly, the way your parents behaved toward you at this meeting should have

made your husband (and you) really righteously indignant, in my own opinion!

How dare they treat his wife so disrespectfully? How dare they contact his

daughter behind his back, fill her ears with lies and make her cry?

Anyway... the key point I want to make is that its important that you and your

husband can be on the same team and and agree totally about how you are going to

handle these two outrageously dictatorial toddlers wearing adult bodies. Now

that you have some breathing space, I suggest making it a priority to gain a new

level of team spirit with your husband RE managing your parents. Maybe reading

" Surviving a Borderline Parent " or " Toxic Parents " together will help him see

this issue from your perspective so that he can be more supportive.

Keep posting when you can; we get it.

-Annie

>

> Wow well tonight I actually got the chance to sit down with them, after

assuring nada this wasn't going to be an annihilation of her character (as she

" just can't take that " ). I barely started talking when I was told to get to the

point, so I did. I explained that I was uncomfortable with my dd being there

overnight or at all alone for a while, considering the texts I had received, and

that was all it took. WW3 started again, with nada throwing a tantrum, fada

yelling. The last text nada sent my dtr (she is now blocked btw) was " miss and

love you, what we have is very special and we won't let anyone ruin that, not

even your mother " (meaning me). My fada went to the the door following nada and

the last things he said were We raised her, we did your laundry, we fed

you....and this is how you treat us. Then he flipped me off. OUCH! I told him

to get the hell out of my husbands office...they left...and then dh, grrrr this

part infuriates me, is tied up in his own " disappointment that this (the

meeting) didn't work out since he wasted 4 days on it. " 4 days??? I just lost

my parents and YOU are disappointed?? UGG! Feeling quite alone right now,

fortunately dd understands, and willingly blocked their numbers. And I guess

that means I am joining the NC club too.