Telling Nada about Pregnancy?

[Guest guest]

Hello All

I have a slight issue at the moment - and would love some advice. I am 5 months

pregnant (at 39 years of age - absolutely thrilled!) but am not sure how to

proceed with telling nada or not telling her. We live in different countries and

have limited contact (a few phone calls a year) - especially because last time I

tried to arrange to meet up (to take her out to an expensive restaurant on

Christmas eve), she did everything she could to create drama and problems with

this get-together, cancelling and then not cancelling at the last minute and

complaining about being second best to the rest of the family, etc etc (you know

the drill!). So I have distanced myself even more as I finally decide I don't

need any more drama in my life, and of course nothing will ever change with her.

So of course I want her to have nothing to do with the child because she is so

unhealthy and I will do everything on this earth to protect this child (much

more of course than what I do to protect MYSELF from her). I also don't want to

share the wonderful news with her as (1) it's a bit unkind considering she won't

be allowed to have anything to do with the child and (2) she will find some way

to mar my happiness with something mean she will say.

But the problem is now I can't tell cousins about this great news as I am

worried it will get back to her and I certainly wouldn't want her to find out

from someone else (from an aunt, for example, with which she still has some

limited contact). We had a get-together with cousins the other day (happens only

every few years) and I never told them - even though it would have been a joyous

announcement and they would have been so happy for me (at the time I was not

showing yet). I also didn't want to tell them and then ask them to keep it

secret because I wasn't sure I had the right to ask something like that or that

it was a healthy thing to do?

So I am debating with myself when to tell cousins (while we are not that close,

they might be somewhat dismayed to find out so much later). On the one hand, I

hate having to do anything differently then I would normally do to spare her

hurt feelings but on the other I just want to keep this precious news to myself.

But, ultimately, I want to do the healthy and " normal " thing, whatever that is.

I also need to decide when to tell nada and how exactly to tell her given that

she will somehow need to be told that she won't have anything to do with the

child? How do I tackle that!!

Anyone been in a similar situation? I know there must be a simple solution for

this but I may be over-thinking it and just can't see it.

Any advice much appreciated!!!

[Guest guest]

I don't know if I have any good advice for this, and will be interested in what

others say. But I did want to say CONGRATS on your baby! How exciting! It's so

sad that we KO's have to worry about telling our own family about something that

in " normal " FOO's would be nothing but joyous.

My thinking is this: we KO's are trying to build a normal life and not play any

BPD games. Maybe just tell your cousins and nada. Accept the congrats and

feelings of good will from your cousins- ENJOY it. When you tell nada, just tell

her and if she starts in on anything negative whatsoever get off the phone asap.

Don't let her ruin this wonderful time for you. Just say, " I will not be

speaking to you about this unless you have positive things to say. I'm hanging

up now, goodbye. " Repeat every time she misbehaves. If she wants to talk to you,

she'll stop b/c she knows you're going to hang up.

Congrats again. =)

>

> Hello All

>

> I have a slight issue at the moment - and would love some advice. I am 5

months pregnant (at 39 years of age - absolutely thrilled!) but am not sure how

to proceed with telling nada or not telling her. We live in different countries

and have limited contact (a few phone calls a year) - especially because last

time I tried to arrange to meet up (to take her out to an expensive restaurant

on Christmas eve), she did everything she could to create drama and problems

with this get-together, cancelling and then not cancelling at the last minute

and complaining about being second best to the rest of the family, etc etc (you

know the drill!). So I have distanced myself even more as I finally decide I

don't need any more drama in my life, and of course nothing will ever change

with her.

>

> So of course I want her to have nothing to do with the child because she is so

unhealthy and I will do everything on this earth to protect this child (much

more of course than what I do to protect MYSELF from her). I also don't want to

share the wonderful news with her as (1) it's a bit unkind considering she won't

be allowed to have anything to do with the child and (2) she will find some way

to mar my happiness with something mean she will say.

>

> But the problem is now I can't tell cousins about this great news as I am

worried it will get back to her and I certainly wouldn't want her to find out

from someone else (from an aunt, for example, with which she still has some

limited contact). We had a get-together with cousins the other day (happens only

every few years) and I never told them - even though it would have been a joyous

announcement and they would have been so happy for me (at the time I was not

showing yet). I also didn't want to tell them and then ask them to keep it

secret because I wasn't sure I had the right to ask something like that or that

it was a healthy thing to do?

>

> So I am debating with myself when to tell cousins (while we are not that

close, they might be somewhat dismayed to find out so much later). On the one

hand, I hate having to do anything differently then I would normally do to spare

her hurt feelings but on the other I just want to keep this precious news to

myself. But, ultimately, I want to do the healthy and " normal " thing, whatever

that is.

>

> I also need to decide when to tell nada and how exactly to tell her given that

she will somehow need to be told that she won't have anything to do with the

child? How do I tackle that!!

>

> Anyone been in a similar situation? I know there must be a simple solution for

this but I may be over-thinking it and just can't see it.

>

> Any advice much appreciated!!!

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

 

I wanted to share my experience with you. My daughter will be 18  at the end of

this month  so I have the experience with this that you haven't had yet. I

don't want to be negative but i think you have to weigh your situation and

options. But above all, your CHILD IS THE MOST IMPORTANT PERSON!!!!!!    Not

parents with borderline/narcissistic personality disorder.

 

My nada was pissed because I didn't ask her permission to get pregnant a 2nd

time. That was the reaction that I got when I told her I was pregnant. I always

wanted a girl and had a 3 year old son at the time. It wasn't until my kids were

born did I start to see the dysfunction. I had read the book " Adult Children of

Alcoholics " and that opened my eyes to alot.

Anyway, she was irked because I didn't discuss it with her first, i.e. gain her

approval. She actually wanted me to divorce and move in her with her. The

pregnancy was different. I was very tired a lot.. I actually laid down while she

was visiting,. you think that maybe she could spend time with her grandson alone

and entertain him??? nope, she got mad and left because as she put it " i didn't

make her feel welcome. " then i have my beautiful son asking over and over why

she is leaving.........

 

she came to visit again when i was almost due. this time she brought my

grandnada. they bought a crib and gifts and what not. well noon rolled around,

it was august and in Charlotte. i didn't offer to prepare them lunch. and for

that,,,,,,i was being rude. i became upset and defended myself and all i can

remember is my grandnada up in my face telling me that i was rude for not fixing

lunch for them. i remember looking behind her at my nada thinking maybe she

might come to my defense. she didn't say a word. well i was so emotional that i

started crying and called my ex. i ran upstairs and then they left. my nada

never saw my daughter until 3 years later. and in between this time i received

some of the most hateful mail that a pregnant woman can receive. can you guess

from who?? my nada.

 

my fada was alive at the time and was pushing me to seek counseling with my

nada. well in that family that meant you were pure dee crazy and there ain't'

nothin wrong with them. and my fada kept saying that i should be understanding

because after all she was born in the depression and wasn't wanted. her father

was an alcoholic etc. so i should basically feel sorry for her. The waif mode is

what she played for use. It was and still my job to make her happy. and since

she will not be happy, there is the little voice inside me that says.....nope

you can't be happy and if you do; the other shoe will surely fall.

 

Grandmother NOT

 

My nada was never a grandmother to my children. She would make and we would make

the obligatory visits but there was no joy. She never formed a bond with them.

She never even changed their diapers. she would of course, just tell me to do

it. she absolutely refused to stay alone and babysit so that i could maybe get a

rest or go shopping. she had to go too and then we bring my children. it was

like she was a child too.

 

So my children are essentially grown now, My oldest swings back and forth from

pity to annoyance. He knows how far gone she is. But we really came up short in

the extended family arena. My daughter doesn't want to have anything to do with

her. My nada treats my daughter when she is around her like she treated me. My

daughter will burst out in tears. She has autism. But does nada bother to read

about this disorder in order to better relate to her granddaughter? We know the

answer.

 

There are two decades of events with my nada. I wanted my children to have a

grandmother.

At the inception of my daughter's pregnancy I had elevated MFAP but they

lowered. During my pregnancy I worked for the first half then we moved. During

the entire pregnancy there was constant drama and stress with my nada. My

daughter was born and given the hep B at birth with the full dose of mercury. As

a result I have a daughter that has a woman's body and has no concept of age

appropriate behavior and that will require life long care. Her father has no

interest. I don't know what happened exactly but I do know that the unnecessary

stress and emotional roller coaster did NOT help me or my daughter.

 

My nada won't even acknowledge the difficulty of my life. I have been

 unemployed/underemployed for 2 years. I have to drive my daughter everywhere.

She will never be able to drive. Nada thinks it is good to be " busy " . That way

we don't have time to think or dwell on unpleasant emotions.

 

I don't think my attempts to have a " normal " relationship with her helped

anyone. I think too it hurt my kids because they have this sense that their own

grandmother is not really interested in them. I think it would have been better

not to have had one their lives.

 

21 years later....nothing has changed. The loss of parents and grandparents in

my children's lives stirs up my loss. I wasn't wanted by nada or fada.....well i

was wanted in the sense that i was parentified and it was my job to make them

happy and be used as an emotional dumping ground.

 

what i wish i would have done was to realize my loss and my dysfunctional

behavior early on so that i didn't pass it to my kids. but i didn't and now i

see my own children being codependent and being afraid to advocate for

themselves. we walk on eggshells because the parents and grandparents may

explode and rage if they experience any perceived criticism.

 

I always sent out birth announcements. Maybe tell everyone that way? I know it

shouldn't be that way with a mother or grandmother to be but we don't have that.

we have nadas. they are toxic. and they care more about themselves than they do

their own children and even sadly their own grandchildren.

 

bottom line-you and your child first on everything........and don't worry what

nada thinks.....at least with mine, she will always find fault and be upset with

it ,so why bother?

 

 

Felicia Ward

Remember that people often have different perceptions of the same reality. You

can both be right, and no one has to be wrong, if each of you is willing to let

the other person have his or her perceptions and if both of you are willing to

compromise. 

Subject: Re: Telling Nada about Pregnancy?

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Date: Monday, August 6, 2012, 3:33 PM

 

I don't know if I have any good advice for this, and will be interested in what

others say. But I did want to say CONGRATS on your baby! How exciting! It's so

sad that we KO's have to worry about telling our own family about something that

in " normal " FOO's would be nothing but joyous.

My thinking is this: we KO's are trying to build a normal life and not play any

BPD games. Maybe just tell your cousins and nada. Accept the congrats and

feelings of good will from your cousins- ENJOY it. When you tell nada, just tell

her and if she starts in on anything negative whatsoever get off the phone asap.

Don't let her ruin this wonderful time for you. Just say, " I will not be

speaking to you about this unless you have positive things to say. I'm hanging

up now, goodbye. " Repeat every time she misbehaves. If she wants to talk to you,

she'll stop b/c she knows you're going to hang up.

Congrats again. =)

>

> Hello All

>

> I have a slight issue at the moment - and would love some advice. I am 5

months pregnant (at 39 years of age - absolutely thrilled!) but am not sure how

to proceed with telling nada or not telling her. We live in different countries

and have limited contact (a few phone calls a year) - especially because last

time I tried to arrange to meet up (to take her out to an expensive restaurant

on Christmas eve), she did everything she could to create drama and problems

with this get-together, cancelling and then not cancelling at the last minute

and complaining about being second best to the rest of the family, etc etc (you

know the drill!). So I have distanced myself even more as I finally decide I

don't need any more drama in my life, and of course nothing will ever change

with her.

>

> So of course I want her to have nothing to do with the child because she is so

unhealthy and I will do everything on this earth to protect this child (much

more of course than what I do to protect MYSELF from her). I also don't want to

share the wonderful news with her as (1) it's a bit unkind considering she won't

be allowed to have anything to do with the child and (2) she will find some way

to mar my happiness with something mean she will say.

>

> But the problem is now I can't tell cousins about this great news as I am

worried it will get back to her and I certainly wouldn't want her to find out

from someone else (from an aunt, for example, with which she still has some

limited contact). We had a get-together with cousins the other day (happens only

every few years) and I never told them - even though it would have been a joyous

announcement and they would have been so happy for me (at the time I was not

showing yet). I also didn't want to tell them and then ask them to keep it

secret because I wasn't sure I had the right to ask something like that or that

it was a healthy thing to do?

>

> So I am debating with myself when to tell cousins (while we are not that

close, they might be somewhat dismayed to find out so much later). On the one

hand, I hate having to do anything differently then I would normally do to spare

her hurt feelings but on the other I just want to keep this precious news to

myself. But, ultimately, I want to do the healthy and " normal " thing, whatever

that is.

>

> I also need to decide when to tell nada and how exactly to tell her given that

she will somehow need to be told that she won't have anything to do with the

child? How do I tackle that!!

>

> Anyone been in a similar situation? I know there must be a simple solution for

this but I may be over-thinking it and just can't see it.

>

> Any advice much appreciated!!!

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Thanks guys! Sorry you also had such bad experiences with your nadas and your

kids. I just know my nada will go nuts if she finds out about this baby - she

will try contacting me non-stop and she will drop in all these fears about the

baby that will make me anxious (heaven knows I am already) so I really don't

want to tell her. I don't want any negativity about this baby and she just won't

be able to help herself. She will also not accept not being allowed to have

anything to do with the child .... it will raise hell and I'm not sure I'm able

to cope with that.

Yes, I think a birth announcement card for the cousins is a good idea. I'm still

thinking I don't want to tell nada though and I may not do until the child is 6

months to 1 year. I just question her entitlement to know. I don't have a

relationship with my mom now because of her crazy behaviour so why does she need

to know what is happening with me. I think she gave up all rights when she

decided to carry on in her unhealthy behaviour and not seek help to change. If

she physically abused me most people would understand my keeping it from her.

But society doesn't take emotional abuse seriously (except for you guys of

course).

The fact that nada tried to split my sister and I up for 10 years (successfully)

and never told me that my sister had 2 kids - I found out when they were 3 and 5

years old (my sister had sent me and my nada baby pictures at my old address,

she didn't know where else to find me, obviously trusting nada would pass them

on) - also still hurts. At the time when I asked nada why she never told me my

sister had two kids, she just said 'oh, I guess the subject didn't come up.' In

five years, the subject didn't come up?! Well if someone else in the family

tells her about the baby and she asks me why I didn't tell her myself .... I

guess 'the subject just didn't come up'.

I don't want her anywhere near this baby - I don't even want her thinking about

this baby.

> >

> > Hello All

> >

> > I have a slight issue at the moment - and would love some advice. I am 5

months pregnant (at 39 years of age - absolutely thrilled!) but am not sure how

to proceed with telling nada or not telling her. We live in different countries

and have limited contact (a few phone calls a year) - especially because last

time I tried to arrange to meet up (to take her out to an expensive restaurant

on Christmas eve), she did everything she could to create drama and problems

with this get-together, cancelling and then not cancelling at the last minute

and complaining about being second best to the rest of the family, etc etc (you

know the drill!). So I have distanced myself even more as I finally decide I

don't need any more drama in my life, and of course nothing will ever change

with her.

> >

> > So of course I want her to have nothing to do with the child because she is

so unhealthy and I will do everything on this earth to protect this child (much

more of course than what I do to protect MYSELF from her). I also don't want to

share the wonderful news with her as (1) it's a bit unkind considering she won't

be allowed to have anything to do with the child and (2) she will find some way

to mar my happiness with something mean she will say.

> >

> > But the problem is now I can't tell cousins about this great news as I am

worried it will get back to her and I certainly wouldn't want her to find out

from someone else (from an aunt, for example, with which she still has some

limited contact). We had a get-together with cousins the other day (happens only

every few years) and I never told them - even though it would have been a joyous

announcement and they would have been so happy for me (at the time I was not

showing yet). I also didn't want to tell them and then ask them to keep it

secret because I wasn't sure I had the right to ask something like that or that

it was a healthy thing to do?

> >

> > So I am debating with myself when to tell cousins (while we are not that

close, they might be somewhat dismayed to find out so much later). On the one

hand, I hate having to do anything differently then I would normally do to spare

her hurt feelings but on the other I just want to keep this precious news to

myself. But, ultimately, I want to do the healthy and " normal " thing, whatever

that is.

> >

> > I also need to decide when to tell nada and how exactly to tell her given

that she will somehow need to be told that she won't have anything to do with

the child? How do I tackle that!!

> >

> > Anyone been in a similar situation? I know there must be a simple solution

for this but I may be over-thinking it and just can't see it.

> >

> > Any advice much appreciated!!!

> >

> >

> >

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Wish there was a magic answer.  First and foremost congratulations-as long as

you're  happy than who cares what Nada says.  When I called mine on my frst

wedding anniversary to say I was 6 weeks along I got " you couldn't have

waited?  What wil people think " .  Who cares.  Do whatever you need to stay

healthy. 

________________________________

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Sent: Wednesday, August 8, 2012 10:40 AM

Subject: Re: Telling Nada about Pregnancy?

 

Thanks guys! Sorry you also had such bad experiences with your nadas and your

kids. I just know my nada will go nuts if she finds out about this baby - she

will try contacting me non-stop and she will drop in all these fears about the

baby that will make me anxious (heaven knows I am already) so I really don't

want to tell her. I don't want any negativity about this baby and she just won't

be able to help herself. She will also not accept not being allowed to have

anything to do with the child .... it will raise hell and I'm not sure I'm able

to cope with that.

Yes, I think a birth announcement card for the cousins is a good idea. I'm still

thinking I don't want to tell nada though and I may not do until the child is 6

months to 1 year. I just question her entitlement to know. I don't have a

relationship with my mom now because of her crazy behaviour so why does she need

to know what is happening with me. I think she gave up all rights when she

decided to carry on in her unhealthy behaviour and not seek help to change. If

she physically abused me most people would understand my keeping it from her.

But society doesn't take emotional abuse seriously (except for you guys of

course).

The fact that nada tried to split my sister and I up for 10 years (successfully)

and never told me that my sister had 2 kids - I found out when they were 3 and 5

years old (my sister had sent me and my nada baby pictures at my old address,

she didn't know where else to find me, obviously trusting nada would pass them

on) - also still hurts. At the time when I asked nada why she never told me my

sister had two kids, she just said 'oh, I guess the subject didn't come up.' In

five years, the subject didn't come up?! Well if someone else in the family

tells her about the baby and she asks me why I didn't tell her myself .... I

guess 'the subject just didn't come up'.

I don't want her anywhere near this baby - I don't even want her thinking about

this baby.

> >

> > Hello All

> >

> > I have a slight issue at the moment - and would love some advice. I am 5

months pregnant (at 39 years of age - absolutely thrilled!) but am not sure how

to proceed with telling nada or not telling her. We live in different countries

and have limited contact (a few phone calls a year) - especially because last

time I tried to arrange to meet up (to take her out to an expensive restaurant

on Christmas eve), she did everything she could to create drama and problems

with this get-together, cancelling and then not cancelling at the last minute

and complaining about being second best to the rest of the family, etc etc (you

know the drill!). So I have distanced myself even more as I finally decide I

don't need any more drama in my life, and of course nothing will ever change

with her.

> >

> > So of course I want her to have nothing to do with the child because she is

so unhealthy and I will do everything on this earth to protect this child (much

more of course than what I do to protect MYSELF from her). I also don't want to

share the wonderful news with her as (1) it's a bit unkind considering she won't

be allowed to have anything to do with the child and (2) she will find some way

to mar my happiness with something mean she will say.

> >

> > But the problem is now I can't tell cousins about this great news as I am

worried it will get back to her and I certainly wouldn't want her to find out

from someone else (from an aunt, for example, with which she still has some

limited contact). We had a get-together with cousins the other day (happens only

every few years) and I never told them - even though it would have been a joyous

announcement and they would have been so happy for me (at the time I was not

showing yet). I also didn't want to tell them and then ask them to keep it

secret because I wasn't sure I had the right to ask something like that or that

it was a healthy thing to do?

> >

> > So I am debating with myself when to tell cousins (while we are not that

close, they might be somewhat dismayed to find out so much later). On the one

hand, I hate having to do anything differently then I would normally do to spare

her hurt feelings but on the other I just want to keep this precious news to

myself. But, ultimately, I want to do the healthy and " normal " thing, whatever

that is.

> >

> > I also need to decide when to tell nada and how exactly to tell her given

that she will somehow need to be told that she won't have anything to do with

the child? How do I tackle that!!

> >

> > Anyone been in a similar situation? I know there must be a simple solution

for this but I may be over-thinking it and just can't see it.

> >

> > Any advice much appreciated!!!

> >

> >

> >

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

I agree. Valuklon, if your mother has a long-term, repeating pattern of being

abusive to you, if she is chronically hostile, abrasive, domineering, bullying,

insulting, and disrespectful to you and/or to your spouse, then I can certainly

understand why you would choose to go No Contact with her and remain that way.

You have the right and the obligation, actually, to protect yourself and your

baby from harmful things and harmful people.

If you do not want to make a birth announcement at all, then, you absolutely

have the right to choose that option to preserve your own safety and peace of

mind.

That's my take on it, anyway. If your gut instinct is telling you that your

mother is dangerous to you, emotionally or physically, then listen to your

instinct and protect yourself. You have done nothing to feel guilty about, so,

do what you have to do.

No. Guilt.

-Annie

>

> Wish there was a magic answer.  First and foremost congratulations-as long as

you're  happy than who cares what Nada says.  When I called mine on my frst

wedding anniversary to say I was 6 weeks along I got " you couldn't have

waited?  What wil people think " .  Who cares.  Do whatever you need to stay

healthy. 

>

>

>

> ________________________________

> From: valuklon

> To: WTOAdultChildren1

> Sent: Wednesday, August 8, 2012 10:40 AM

> Subject: Re: Telling Nada about Pregnancy?

>

>

>

>  

>

> Thanks guys! Sorry you also had such bad experiences with your nadas and your

kids. I just know my nada will go nuts if she finds out about this baby - she

will try contacting me non-stop and she will drop in all these fears about the

baby that will make me anxious (heaven knows I am already) so I really don't

want to tell her. I don't want any negativity about this baby and she just won't

be able to help herself. She will also not accept not being allowed to have

anything to do with the child .... it will raise hell and I'm not sure I'm able

to cope with that.

>

> Yes, I think a birth announcement card for the cousins is a good idea. I'm

still thinking I don't want to tell nada though and I may not do until the child

is 6 months to 1 year. I just question her entitlement to know. I don't have a

relationship with my mom now because of her crazy behaviour so why does she need

to know what is happening with me. I think she gave up all rights when she

decided to carry on in her unhealthy behaviour and not seek help to change. If

she physically abused me most people would understand my keeping it from her.

But society doesn't take emotional abuse seriously (except for you guys of

course).

>

> The fact that nada tried to split my sister and I up for 10 years

(successfully) and never told me that my sister had 2 kids - I found out when

they were 3 and 5 years old (my sister had sent me and my nada baby pictures at

my old address, she didn't know where else to find me, obviously trusting nada

would pass them on) - also still hurts. At the time when I asked nada why she

never told me my sister had two kids, she just said 'oh, I guess the subject

didn't come up.' In five years, the subject didn't come up?! Well if someone

else in the family tells her about the baby and she asks me why I didn't tell

her myself .... I guess 'the subject just didn't come up'.

>

> I don't want her anywhere near this baby - I don't even want her thinking

about this baby.

[Guest guest]

I love the song by Cat s that goes, " If you want to sing out, sing out,

and if you want to be free, be free. " Liberating words to live by- I try to make

my life simple like that, do what I really want to do without feeling guilt. (I

succeed at this about 0.5% of the time, ha ha) My point is I think you've got

the thinking right, if you can play it out in real life. If you don't want to

tell her, don't. And don't feel guilty about it. She has no right to the news,

like you said. And you don't owe her anything.

> > >

> > > Hello All

> > >

> > > I have a slight issue at the moment - and would love some advice. I am 5

months pregnant (at 39 years of age - absolutely thrilled!) but am not sure how

to proceed with telling nada or not telling her. We live in different countries

and have limited contact (a few phone calls a year) - especially because last

time I tried to arrange to meet up (to take her out to an expensive restaurant

on Christmas eve), she did everything she could to create drama and problems

with this get-together, cancelling and then not cancelling at the last minute

and complaining about being second best to the rest of the family, etc etc (you

know the drill!). So I have distanced myself even more as I finally decide I

don't need any more drama in my life, and of course nothing will ever change

with her.

> > >

> > > So of course I want her to have nothing to do with the child because she

is so unhealthy and I will do everything on this earth to protect this child

(much more of course than what I do to protect MYSELF from her). I also don't

want to share the wonderful news with her as (1) it's a bit unkind considering

she won't be allowed to have anything to do with the child and (2) she will find

some way to mar my happiness with something mean she will say.

> > >

> > > But the problem is now I can't tell cousins about this great news as I am

worried it will get back to her and I certainly wouldn't want her to find out

from someone else (from an aunt, for example, with which she still has some

limited contact). We had a get-together with cousins the other day (happens only

every few years) and I never told them - even though it would have been a joyous

announcement and they would have been so happy for me (at the time I was not

showing yet). I also didn't want to tell them and then ask them to keep it

secret because I wasn't sure I had the right to ask something like that or that

it was a healthy thing to do?

> > >

> > > So I am debating with myself when to tell cousins (while we are not that

close, they might be somewhat dismayed to find out so much later). On the one

hand, I hate having to do anything differently then I would normally do to spare

her hurt feelings but on the other I just want to keep this precious news to

myself. But, ultimately, I want to do the healthy and " normal " thing, whatever

that is.

> > >

> > > I also need to decide when to tell nada and how exactly to tell her given

that she will somehow need to be told that she won't have anything to do with

the child? How do I tackle that!!

> > >

> > > Anyone been in a similar situation? I know there must be a simple solution

for this but I may be over-thinking it and just can't see it.

> > >

> > > Any advice much appreciated!!!

> > >

> > >

> > >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

[Guest guest]

My nada came on spring break with my 8 year old and I:  as she's 82 I had

really hoped it would give my son some good memories. Instead I eneded up refree

between them and it broke my heart when after a blow up at disney (they were

both wrong but hey, he's only 8) I took him into the restroom to wash his face

and calm down and he said " grandma is even meaner here than in NY " .  Out of the

mouth of babes.

________________________________

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Sent: Wednesday, August 8, 2012 5:04 PM

Subject: Re: Telling Nada about Pregnancy?

 

I love the song by Cat s that goes, " If you want to sing out, sing out,

and if you want to be free, be free. " Liberating words to live by- I try to make

my life simple like that, do what I really want to do without feeling guilt. (I

succeed at this about 0.5% of the time, ha ha) My point is I think you've got

the thinking right, if you can play it out in real life. If you don't want to

tell her, don't. And don't feel guilty about it. She has no right to the news,

like you said. And you don't owe her anything.

> > >

> > > Hello All

> > >

> > > I have a slight issue at the moment - and would love some advice. I am 5

months pregnant (at 39 years of age - absolutely thrilled!) but am not sure how

to proceed with telling nada or not telling her. We live in different countries

and have limited contact (a few phone calls a year) - especially because last

time I tried to arrange to meet up (to take her out to an expensive restaurant

on Christmas eve), she did everything she could to create drama and problems

with this get-together, cancelling and then not cancelling at the last minute

and complaining about being second best to the rest of the family, etc etc (you

know the drill!). So I have distanced myself even more as I finally decide I

don't need any more drama in my life, and of course nothing will ever change

with her.

> > >

> > > So of course I want her to have nothing to do with the child because she

is so unhealthy and I will do everything on this earth to protect this child

(much more of course than what I do to protect MYSELF from her). I also don't

want to share the wonderful news with her as (1) it's a bit unkind considering

she won't be allowed to have anything to do with the child and (2) she will find

some way to mar my happiness with something mean she will say.

> > >

> > > But the problem is now I can't tell cousins about this great news as I am

worried it will get back to her and I certainly wouldn't want her to find out

from someone else (from an aunt, for example, with which she still has some

limited contact). We had a get-together with cousins the other day (happens only

every few years) and I never told them - even though it would have been a joyous

announcement and they would have been so happy for me (at the time I was not

showing yet). I also didn't want to tell them and then ask them to keep it

secret because I wasn't sure I had the right to ask something like that or that

it was a healthy thing to do?

> > >

> > > So I am debating with myself when to tell cousins (while we are not that

close, they might be somewhat dismayed to find out so much later). On the one

hand, I hate having to do anything differently then I would normally do to spare

her hurt feelings but on the other I just want to keep this precious news to

myself. But, ultimately, I want to do the healthy and " normal " thing, whatever

that is.

> > >

> > > I also need to decide when to tell nada and how exactly to tell her given

that she will somehow need to be told that she won't have anything to do with

the child? How do I tackle that!!

> > >

> > > Anyone been in a similar situation? I know there must be a simple solution

for this but I may be over-thinking it and just can't see it.

> > >

> > > Any advice much appreciated!!!

> > >

> > >

> > >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

[Guest guest]

If you can afford to move, I would move before you have the baby. This way your

nada cannot stop over unannounced to check on the baby because she had a feeling

you did something wrong (personal experiences). Move for your sanity and the

mental safety of your child's.

Congrats!

> > >

> > > Hello All

> > >

> > > I have a slight issue at the moment - and would love some advice. I am 5

months pregnant (at 39 years of age - absolutely thrilled!) but am not sure how

to proceed with telling nada or not telling her. We live in different countries

and have limited contact (a few phone calls a year) - especially because last

time I tried to arrange to meet up (to take her out to an expensive restaurant

on Christmas eve), she did everything she could to create drama and problems

with this get-together, cancelling and then not cancelling at the last minute

and complaining about being second best to the rest of the family, etc etc (you

know the drill!). So I have distanced myself even more as I finally decide I

don't need any more drama in my life, and of course nothing will ever change

with her.

> > >

> > > So of course I want her to have nothing to do with the child because she

is so unhealthy and I will do everything on this earth to protect this child

(much more of course than what I do to protect MYSELF from her). I also don't

want to share the wonderful news with her as (1) it's a bit unkind considering

she won't be allowed to have anything to do with the child and (2) she will find

some way to mar my happiness with something mean she will say.

> > >

> > > But the problem is now I can't tell cousins about this great news as I am

worried it will get back to her and I certainly wouldn't want her to find out

from someone else (from an aunt, for example, with which she still has some

limited contact). We had a get-together with cousins the other day (happens only

every few years) and I never told them - even though it would have been a joyous

announcement and they would have been so happy for me (at the time I was not

showing yet). I also didn't want to tell them and then ask them to keep it

secret because I wasn't sure I had the right to ask something like that or that

it was a healthy thing to do?

> > >

> > > So I am debating with myself when to tell cousins (while we are not that

close, they might be somewhat dismayed to find out so much later). On the one

hand, I hate having to do anything differently then I would normally do to spare

her hurt feelings but on the other I just want to keep this precious news to

myself. But, ultimately, I want to do the healthy and " normal " thing, whatever

that is.

> > >

> > > I also need to decide when to tell nada and how exactly to tell her given

that she will somehow need to be told that she won't have anything to do with

the child? How do I tackle that!!

> > >

> > > Anyone been in a similar situation? I know there must be a simple solution

for this but I may be over-thinking it and just can't see it.

> > >

> > > Any advice much appreciated!!!

> > >

> > >

> > >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

[Guest guest]

Thanks Annie and everyone - that's what I wanted to hear, I guess, permission to

listen to my gut instinct ... but of course that guilt comes along! I'll do my

best to ignore the guilt though because I don't think I should feel guilty for

protecting myself and the baby.

Thanks again guys for your words of wisdom.

> >

> > Wish there was a magic answer.  First and foremost congratulations-as long

as you're  happy than who cares what Nada says.  When I called mine on my frst

wedding anniversary to say I was 6 weeks along I got " you couldn't have

waited?  What wil people think " .  Who cares.  Do whatever you need to stay

healthy. 

> >

> >

> >

> > ________________________________

> > From: valuklon

> > To: WTOAdultChildren1

> > Sent: Wednesday, August 8, 2012 10:40 AM

> > Subject: Re: Telling Nada about Pregnancy?

> >

> >

> >

> >  

> >

> > Thanks guys! Sorry you also had such bad experiences with your nadas and

your kids. I just know my nada will go nuts if she finds out about this baby -

she will try contacting me non-stop and she will drop in all these fears about

the baby that will make me anxious (heaven knows I am already) so I really don't

want to tell her. I don't want any negativity about this baby and she just won't

be able to help herself. She will also not accept not being allowed to have

anything to do with the child .... it will raise hell and I'm not sure I'm able

to cope with that.

> >

> > Yes, I think a birth announcement card for the cousins is a good idea. I'm

still thinking I don't want to tell nada though and I may not do until the child

is 6 months to 1 year. I just question her entitlement to know. I don't have a

relationship with my mom now because of her crazy behaviour so why does she need

to know what is happening with me. I think she gave up all rights when she

decided to carry on in her unhealthy behaviour and not seek help to change. If

she physically abused me most people would understand my keeping it from her.

But society doesn't take emotional abuse seriously (except for you guys of

course).

> >

> > The fact that nada tried to split my sister and I up for 10 years

(successfully) and never told me that my sister had 2 kids - I found out when

they were 3 and 5 years old (my sister had sent me and my nada baby pictures at

my old address, she didn't know where else to find me, obviously trusting nada

would pass them on) - also still hurts. At the time when I asked nada why she

never told me my sister had two kids, she just said 'oh, I guess the subject

didn't come up.' In five years, the subject didn't come up?! Well if someone

else in the family tells her about the baby and she asks me why I didn't tell

her myself .... I guess 'the subject just didn't come up'.

> >

> > I don't want her anywhere near this baby - I don't even want her thinking

about this baby.

>

[Guest guest]

Congratulations! How wonderful and exciting!

I am expecting my second in October at the ripe age of 37. I have LC with my

mother - easy because she lives 2500 miles away. Yahoo! When I told her about

number 2, she wanted to make sure I was having all the testing because Down

syndrome is more common at my age. Gee, thanks...I hadn't thought of that...

Anyway, I agree with PPs. Don't tell her if you don't want to. We have had to

have some awkward moments with my mother about things (no, you may not come stay

with us for a week before and a week after my due date; no, you may not come

" help us move " ; no, you may not keep the three year old overnight; no, we will

not Skype Christmas morning/weekly/every phone call; no, you may not come for

two weeks - ever...). But it's better than our kids witnessing Grandma

Krakatoa...

Congratulations again! Babies are wonderful!

> > > >

> > > > Hello All

> > > >

> > > > I have a slight issue at the moment - and would love some advice. I am 5

months pregnant (at 39 years of age - absolutely thrilled!) but am not sure how

to proceed with telling nada or not telling her. We live in different countries

and have limited contact (a few phone calls a year) - especially because last

time I tried to arrange to meet up (to take her out to an expensive restaurant

on Christmas eve), she did everything she could to create drama and problems

with this get-together, cancelling and then not cancelling at the last minute

and complaining about being second best to the rest of the family, etc etc (you

know the drill!). So I have distanced myself even more as I finally decide I

don't need any more drama in my life, and of course nothing will ever change

with her.

> > > >

> > > > So of course I want her to have nothing to do with the child because she

is so unhealthy and I will do everything on this earth to protect this child

(much more of course than what I do to protect MYSELF from her). I also don't

want to share the wonderful news with her as (1) it's a bit unkind considering

she won't be allowed to have anything to do with the child and (2) she will find

some way to mar my happiness with something mean she will say.

> > > >

> > > > But the problem is now I can't tell cousins about this great news as I

am worried it will get back to her and I certainly wouldn't want her to find out

from someone else (from an aunt, for example, with which she still has some

limited contact). We had a get-together with cousins the other day (happens only

every few years) and I never told them - even though it would have been a joyous

announcement and they would have been so happy for me (at the time I was not

showing yet). I also didn't want to tell them and then ask them to keep it

secret because I wasn't sure I had the right to ask something like that or that

it was a healthy thing to do?

> > > >

> > > > So I am debating with myself when to tell cousins (while we are not that

close, they might be somewhat dismayed to find out so much later). On the one

hand, I hate having to do anything differently then I would normally do to spare

her hurt feelings but on the other I just want to keep this precious news to

myself. But, ultimately, I want to do the healthy and " normal " thing, whatever

that is.

> > > >

> > > > I also need to decide when to tell nada and how exactly to tell her

given that she will somehow need to be told that she won't have anything to do

with the child? How do I tackle that!!

> > > >

> > > > Anyone been in a similar situation? I know there must be a simple

solution for this but I may be over-thinking it and just can't see it.

> > > >

> > > > Any advice much appreciated!!!

> > > >

> > > >

> > > >

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > >