Re: Upcoming surgery/ and a bit about preparing our kids to deal with grand/nada or fada

[Guest guest]

I am a bit late in commenting, but wanted to share my thoughts from a recent

move experience.

Just prior to our tri state move this summer, my nada called the number that is

now my son's cell number. First, she had called my cell, while I was in the

middle of a therapy appointment. I don't answer blocked caller numbers unless

folks leave a message. So nada moved on to the alternate number, which she

thought was MY cell. My son did pick up the call, and found himself stuck on the

phone for a half hour. He happened to tell her I was at a doctor's appt. (but he

is savvy and gives no more information of detail, as he has observed how I do

not give my nada any information about other people who are not present to speak

for themselves.)

My nada, hearing I had a doctor's appointment BEFORE our big move, acted as if I

were going to have surgery. And she called every hour afterwards trying to get

ahold of me.

It was the final ten days before we left the state, but I had been vague about

our move date, and even about the date of our home purchase.

I find my nada very triggering during times of life change, health matters or

emergency. She just calls and gets in the way and says, " Oh V, are you sure you

are OK? " Yecch.

This time, I meditated on my emotional responses a few days, and I had the most

unique insight. I decided nada has a sort of addiction to anxiety, and she

indulges vicariously by imagining my worst case scenario. I decided I was not

going to have her partying on my life stress event.

I did not want nada calling as our family took care of our final health visits

with our regular doctors, or calling as the movers packed us. Nor did I want her

knowing that our house had not yet sold, or wanting us to contact her on arrival

in our new home town. I wanted cherished friends to be part of our support team,

and to love on us our way. In this surgery of our family move, I wanted

confident people around me.

Once I knew what I wanted, and knew that nada could not support me in my needs

(it was an inner knowing), I knew I was ready to call nada and calmly set a

boundary. I remember telling my DH of my intention to call my nada and do so. He

laughed and said, " " She won't respect it. " But setting a boundary really only

requires me respecting myself and knowing I deserve to make my needs known.

Then, the next part is my work, to continue respecting my boundaries. Then I

need not get angry or afraid. For if the other person does not respect the

boundary, they get froze out by me. I just ignore them and go on about what I

need to do. Politely, even.

In this case. I called nada, and got her answering machine. My message to nada

was, " It will work out best if you call after June 10th. (This was a week after

our actual relocation). If you call and don't hear back from me right away, you

will know I am in the middle of working with the movers, or a real estate agent

or something else related to the move. Looking forward to talking to you guys

sometime before Father;s Day Bye! "

And I did not hear a peep. And it was a move that was unclouded by even a worry

of her trying to contact me. For I had told her (and myself) that I did not need

to feel FOG about returning a phone call. Staying focused was my priority and

my mental health required the boundary. Once I really knew my health was the

most important thing, and that nada cannot contribute towards helping me

maintain my emotional health, the boundary was easy for ME to honor.

Now when nada and I talk, I feel a greater autonomy and unflappability than ever

before. She seems to have stopped dishing out crap too, because she knows none

of us will stand for it. I had to learn my boundaries from respecting my DH and

DS's boundaries with my mom. They almost NEVER want to talk to her.

My nada likes to isolate and divide people, one on one talk, where she takes

jabs at people's vulnerabilities or else interrogate them about the affairs of

others. One of the major breakthroughs I made in the past two years, was when

my son heard how nada speaks to me, when I put her on speakerphone. It gave me

a reality check, first. And it helped me to see nada both more seriously for her

consequences to my psyche and for him to witness as I developed skills in

dealing with her, so that he can deal effectively with her in my absence.

I say this for the mom whose daughter is wanting contact with her grandparent

(nada/fada). If your daughter could be present to listen quietly while your nada

speaks to you, she might learn that her grandparents have other facets, and that

it is in her best interest to have limited contact.

Best,