Guest guest Posted August 7, 2012 Report Share Posted August 7, 2012 I'm new to this group and also just started coming to terms with the fact that my mom has BPD (in therapy and its working so far). Here's the dilemma--I hadn't talked to nada in 3 months until last week. The call was awkward but she ended up telling me she is going to come visit to see my son, who is 7 months old. she also told me she has never felt comfortable in our home, which is odd given the tremendous effort we put in to make her comfortable (i.e. her favorite wine in stock, coffee, we even installed cable in the guest room b/c she needs the tv on to go to sleep!) and so she is going to stay in a hotel, which is a-ok with me! Anyways, the more I think about her coming to visit, the more anxious I get. I have this fear that she will take off with my son and fly back out west with him (you don't need any sort of proof that an infant is yours when you fly!) Of course, I won't be leaving my son and her alone for her to have the opportunity but I just can't seem to figure out where this fear is coming from. It's paralyzing. I've even thought of giving a pic of nada to the nanny so that she knows not to let nada into the house if she comes in a day early (which wouldn't surprise me). In my head I think this is irrational thinking, but it's such a strong feeling and I don't know what to do with it. advice/insight is welcome. sammy -- Sewell, Chair Commission on the Status of Women Arlington, VA Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 7, 2012 Report Share Posted August 7, 2012 I just wonder if your gut, or intuition, is trying to tell you something about your child. I see no harm in giving a pic to the nanny if it makes you feel better. I think it is better to be prepared than not. Go with your gut, I say. > > I'm new to this group and also just started coming to terms with the fact > that my mom has BPD (in therapy and its working so far). Here's the > dilemma--I hadn't talked to nada in 3 months until last week. The call was > awkward but she ended up telling me she is going to come visit to see my > son, who is 7 months old. she also told me she has never felt comfortable > in our home, which is odd given the tremendous effort we put in to make her > comfortable (i.e. her favorite wine in stock, coffee, we even installed > cable in the guest room b/c she needs the tv on to go to sleep!) and so she > is going to stay in a hotel, which is a-ok with me! > > Anyways, the more I think about her coming to visit, the more anxious I > get. I have this fear that she will take off with my son and fly back out > west with him (you don't need any sort of proof that an infant is yours > when you fly!) Of course, I won't be leaving my son and her alone for her > to have the opportunity but I just can't seem to figure out where this fear > is coming from. It's paralyzing. I've even thought of giving a pic of nada > to the nanny so that she knows not to let nada into the house if she comes > in a day early (which wouldn't surprise me). In my head I think this is > irrational thinking, but it's such a strong feeling and I don't know what > to do with it. > > advice/insight is welcome. > > sammy > > > -- > Sewell, Chair > Commission on the Status of Women > Arlington, VA > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 7, 2012 Report Share Posted August 7, 2012 The fear sounds pretty normal...........seeing that " they " instilled it in us from early childhood! We find it hard to trust our nada's because their behavior has not been reliable. That being said, when I took my parents in a few years ago (due to nadas bad health and other issues), nada and fada were like caged animals. No matter what my husband & I did to make them comfortable (and we went to extremes), they were not ever " at home " here. Also, they were thankful for nothing. If you take the proper precautions, you'll have no fear. Be strong with your boundaries. Laurie In a message dated 8/7/2012 9:40:28 A.M. Eastern Daylight Time, terratoka@... writes: I'm new to this group and also just started coming to terms with the fact that my mom has BPD (in therapy and its working so far). Here's the dilemma--I hadn't talked to nada in 3 months until last week. The call was awkward but she ended up telling me she is going to come visit to see my son, who is 7 months old. she also told me she has never felt comfortable in our home, which is odd given the tremendous effort we put in to make her comfortable (i.e. her favorite wine in stock, coffee, we even installed cable in the guest room b/c she needs the tv on to go to sleep!) and so she is going to stay in a hotel, which is a-ok with me! Anyways, the more I think about her coming to visit, the more anxious I get. I have this fear that she will take off with my son and fly back out west with him (you don't need any sort of proof that an infant is yours when you fly!) Of course, I won't be leaving my son and her alone for her to have the opportunity but I just can't seem to figure out where this fear is coming from. It's paralyzing. I've even thought of giving a pic of nada to the nanny so that she knows not to let nada into the house if she comes in a day early (which wouldn't surprise me). In my head I think this is irrational thinking, but it's such a strong feeling and I don't know what to do with it. advice/insight is welcome. sammy -- Sewell, Chair Commission on the Status of Women Arlington, VA [Non-text portions of this message have been removed] Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 7, 2012 Report Share Posted August 7, 2012 Sammy, I think the fear probably comes out of worrying about whether she's going to do something to harm your son. Nadas often feel possessive of their grandchildren and given some of their other behavior it isn't that much of a leap to believe that one would run off with a grandchild. They often don't have good separation between them and us and she could feel that she is entitled to take her grandchild. While thinking she might kidnap him and fly home with him might be going overboard, I don't think it at all irrational to fear that she's going to do, or try to do, something undesirable. Go ahead and give the nanny a picture. It can't hurt and it might make you feel better. At 09:40 AM 08/07/2012 TerraToka Creations wrote: >I'm new to this group and also just started coming to terms >with the fact >that my mom has BPD (in therapy and its working so >far). Here's the >dilemma--I hadn't talked to nada in 3 months until last week. >The call was >awkward but she ended up telling me she is going to come visit >to see my >son, who is 7 months old. she also told me she has never felt >comfortable >in our home, which is odd given the tremendous effort we put in >to make her >comfortable (i.e. her favorite wine in stock, coffee, we even >installed >cable in the guest room b/c she needs the tv on to go to >sleep!) and so she >is going to stay in a hotel, which is a-ok with me! > >Anyways, the more I think about her coming to visit, the more >anxious I >get. I have this fear that she will take off with my son and >fly back out >west with him (you don't need any sort of proof that an infant >is yours >when you fly!) Of course, I won't be leaving my son and her >alone for her >to have the opportunity but I just can't seem to figure out >where this fear >is coming from. It's paralyzing. I've even thought of giving a >pic of nada >to the nanny so that she knows not to let nada into the house >if she comes >in a day early (which wouldn't surprise me). In my head I >think this is >irrational thinking, but it's such a strong feeling and I don't >know what >to do with it. > >advice/insight is welcome. > >sammy > > >-- > Sewell, Chair >Commission on the Status of Women >Arlington, VA > -- Katrina Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 7, 2012 Report Share Posted August 7, 2012 I don't think your fear is irrational at all as it obviously stems from something. This is different, but when I was in elementary school I used to cross my fingers all the time, feeling that if I had my fingers crossed it would protect me from nada reading my mind. I was old enough to know this was ridiculous, but it made me feel better. My point is that there is a reason you feel this way. Do you have a T? He/she might provide some great insight to this. I think you have a fear of nada harming your baby in some way. I get that. I would never have wanted to leave nada alone with my baby. I don't feel I have good advice to give for this except it's always OK to tell nada not to come if you are that anxious. > > I'm new to this group and also just started coming to terms with the fact > that my mom has BPD (in therapy and its working so far). Here's the > dilemma--I hadn't talked to nada in 3 months until last week. The call was > awkward but she ended up telling me she is going to come visit to see my > son, who is 7 months old. she also told me she has never felt comfortable > in our home, which is odd given the tremendous effort we put in to make her > comfortable (i.e. her favorite wine in stock, coffee, we even installed > cable in the guest room b/c she needs the tv on to go to sleep!) and so she > is going to stay in a hotel, which is a-ok with me! > > Anyways, the more I think about her coming to visit, the more anxious I > get. I have this fear that she will take off with my son and fly back out > west with him (you don't need any sort of proof that an infant is yours > when you fly!) Of course, I won't be leaving my son and her alone for her > to have the opportunity but I just can't seem to figure out where this fear > is coming from. It's paralyzing. I've even thought of giving a pic of nada > to the nanny so that she knows not to let nada into the house if she comes > in a day early (which wouldn't surprise me). In my head I think this is > irrational thinking, but it's such a strong feeling and I don't know what > to do with it. > > advice/insight is welcome. > > sammy > > > -- > Sewell, Chair > Commission on the Status of Women > Arlington, VA > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 7, 2012 Report Share Posted August 7, 2012 I'm not sure it's an irrational fear. This woman, nada, has left some very negative feelings and memories with you. Even if you can't pinpoint where the thoughts are coming from, go with your gut. Do take precautions, let the nanny know, do whatever it takes to feel moderately safe while nada is in town. For her to announce that she's coming into town to see your son is a red flag. Who just announces that they're coming? People usually ask if they can visit. So yes, do what you have to do. If your son was older and could speak for himself, it might be easier. But you would still have to be cautious. I hope she doesn't stay long, finds the visit boring and heads home soon. > > I'm new to this group and also just started coming to terms with the fact > that my mom has BPD (in therapy and its working so far). Here's the > dilemma--I hadn't talked to nada in 3 months until last week. The call was > awkward but she ended up telling me she is going to come visit to see my > son, who is 7 months old. she also told me she has never felt comfortable > in our home, which is odd given the tremendous effort we put in to make her > comfortable (i.e. her favorite wine in stock, coffee, we even installed > cable in the guest room b/c she needs the tv on to go to sleep!) and so she > is going to stay in a hotel, which is a-ok with me! > > Anyways, the more I think about her coming to visit, the more anxious I > get. I have this fear that she will take off with my son and fly back out > west with him (you don't need any sort of proof that an infant is yours > when you fly!) Of course, I won't be leaving my son and her alone for her > to have the opportunity but I just can't seem to figure out where this fear > is coming from. It's paralyzing. I've even thought of giving a pic of nada > to the nanny so that she knows not to let nada into the house if she comes > in a day early (which wouldn't surprise me). In my head I think this is > irrational thinking, but it's such a strong feeling and I don't know what > to do with it. > > advice/insight is welcome. > > sammy > > > -- > Sewell, Chair > Commission on the Status of Women > Arlington, VA > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 7, 2012 Report Share Posted August 7, 2012 I agree with Irene, the fear and anxiety are coming from somewhere, for real reasons. I also noticed that you said your nada *told you* that she is coming for a visit: she didn't ask you, she told you. I think that is a significant point. Is your nada accustomed to dominating you and controlling you? Maybe its your " normal " relationship dynamic? Its OK if you tell your nada " This isn't a good time, mom. I'll let you know when its better for you to visit us. " But if that's not a doable boundary for you to establish at this time (I sympathize, I wasn't able to do that myself when my nada told me she was coming to visit me; I had a nervous breakdown instead) then perhaps it will make you feel better to decide that your mother is never going to be alone with your baby, ever, period. You, or your husband, or the nanny will always be supervising any visits. If you have a therapist, this is something you can bring up for discussion with him or her, as well. If your husband, your therapist and your nanny are all clued in and backing you up, then I'm thinking you'll feel much more supported and validated if you do decide to let your nada visit you. -Annie > > > > I'm new to this group and also just started coming to terms with the fact > > that my mom has BPD (in therapy and its working so far). Here's the > > dilemma--I hadn't talked to nada in 3 months until last week. The call was > > awkward but she ended up telling me she is going to come visit to see my > > son, who is 7 months old. she also told me she has never felt comfortable > > in our home, which is odd given the tremendous effort we put in to make her > > comfortable (i.e. her favorite wine in stock, coffee, we even installed > > cable in the guest room b/c she needs the tv on to go to sleep!) and so she > > is going to stay in a hotel, which is a-ok with me! > > > > Anyways, the more I think about her coming to visit, the more anxious I > > get. I have this fear that she will take off with my son and fly back out > > west with him (you don't need any sort of proof that an infant is yours > > when you fly!) Of course, I won't be leaving my son and her alone for her > > to have the opportunity but I just can't seem to figure out where this fear > > is coming from. It's paralyzing. I've even thought of giving a pic of nada > > to the nanny so that she knows not to let nada into the house if she comes > > in a day early (which wouldn't surprise me). In my head I think this is > > irrational thinking, but it's such a strong feeling and I don't know what > > to do with it. > > > > advice/insight is welcome. > > > > sammy > > > > > > -- > > Sewell, Chair > > Commission on the Status of Women > > Arlington, VA > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 7, 2012 Report Share Posted August 7, 2012 Sammy, No, not irrational. I agree with the others that this fear is coming from a real place. Maybe not one you can remember, or put your finger on, but real none the less. My nada took me away from my dad in a way which they now call parental kidnapping. I didn't see my dad again until I was in high school, by which time I had a deep suspicion of, and even a dislike for him. She also took my sister's boy away from her. When I told my sister that she didn't have to give him up to her, that the rest of us would help her, nada told my other siblings that if I helped my sister keep her son she would " kill me " . It has been my experience that these women are convinced they are better than anyone at the one thing they are unable to do successfully: Be a mother. Go with your gut. Take precautions. At the very least it will make you feel loads better. Perhaps it will even prevent something awful from happening that could have been fairly easy to avert. Good luck! Mimi > > I'm new to this group and also just started coming to terms with the fact > that my mom has BPD (in therapy and its working so far). Here's the > dilemma--I hadn't talked to nada in 3 months until last week. The call was > awkward but she ended up telling me she is going to come visit to see my > son, who is 7 months old. she also told me she has never felt comfortable > in our home, which is odd given the tremendous effort we put in to make her > comfortable (i.e. her favorite wine in stock, coffee, we even installed > cable in the guest room b/c she needs the tv on to go to sleep!) and so she > is going to stay in a hotel, which is a-ok with me! > > Anyways, the more I think about her coming to visit, the more anxious I > get. I have this fear that she will take off with my son and fly back out > west with him (you don't need any sort of proof that an infant is yours > when you fly!) Of course, I won't be leaving my son and her alone for her > to have the opportunity but I just can't seem to figure out where this fear > is coming from. It's paralyzing. I've even thought of giving a pic of nada > to the nanny so that she knows not to let nada into the house if she comes > in a day early (which wouldn't surprise me). In my head I think this is > irrational thinking, but it's such a strong feeling and I don't know what > to do with it. > > advice/insight is welcome. > > sammy > > > -- > Sewell, Chair > Commission on the Status of Women > Arlington, VA > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 7, 2012 Report Share Posted August 7, 2012 Sammy, you've gotten some really good advice already, but I'd like to speak specifically to the nanny issue. I actually am a career nanny, so I hope my insight on this is helpful and welcomed. Absolutely do show the nanny a picture. You do not need to give her all the gruesome details, but you do need to equip her with enough information and strategies to keep your son safe (any nanny will tell you that is the first priority.)  Do you have a contract/work agreement with your nanny? If not, I highly advise one. If you do, does it have anything in it about allowing guests into the home or releasing the child to another person? Mine does...all of mine have. Usually grandparents are fine, but I had a family several years ago where it was stated that I was not to release the child to any person except the parents unless the parents were present (which, of course, meant they were there to give consent) and that I was not to allow anyone (other than playdates I arranged) into the home without written consent from the parents. This was set up because of a family member of theirs who was " unsafe " around the children. What they did was tell me that if this person came over that my response was " I'm not allowed to let anyone in unless I have a note from (parent's names). They didn't leave me a note, so I can't let you in. "   That might not work in your situation, but I would prep your nanny with " My husband and I have some concerns over the safety of our child with my mother. We really would rather she not know this and we appreciate your understanding and discretion. Please, under no circumstances, mention this concern to her. For this reason, we have decided that we are only comfortable with her being around the baby if one of us is present. We don't want you to be put in the position of having to deal with this. If she shows up, do not allow her into the home. We expect she will be very upset by this, and we authorize you to lock the doors to her and tell her that you are not allowed to let anyone into the house unless we are also here. You can tell her to call us on this, and we will absolutely back you up. "  And do back her up. " Yes, mom, I'm sorry you're upset. That is our rule and we don't want to confuse the nanny by changing the rule. We weren't expecting you until tomorrow, so we will see you then. "  and hang up. or something similar. Just be prepared to back up your nanny saying she isn't allowed to let anyone in without you there. Someone had mentioned not allowing nada around the baby unless you, your husband, or the nanny was present. I would suggest not asking the nanny to be that person. The nanny, I'm sure, is fully capable. However...I will tell you that one of the leading complaints I hear in nanny communities (local, national, and international) is having to deal with grandparents. Even from my own experience...it doesn't matter if the grandparents have a PD or not, it is very rare for a nanny to enjoy having grandparents around. Grandparents want to spoil a child...that's their right and their role. But it undermines a nanny and prevents her from doing her job and is the source of HUGE frustrations. Nannies often quit over the drama surrounding having grandparents around. Even myself...with a family I ADORED...the visiting grandmother was such a huge pain in the ass (in retrospect, probably with a PD) and got so nasty to me that the ONLY reason I didn't quit was because I was a live-in nanny for that family and didn't have anywhere to go on such short notice except the other grandma's house and SHE talked me down. Even in a good situation, a grandparent with the nanny can be volatile. It will likely be worse with your nada and your nanny. Don't do that to your nanny, please. It may cause a lot of logistical issues, but please don't ask your nanny to take on having to deal with your nada alone. My current employers...one of the grandmothers is very childish and difficult. About 5 years ago, when the twins were infants, she came to visit for a day and...just after I had gotten twin babies and a toddler down for naps...she announced " Oh, I just can't stand it, I have to have one of my grandchildren! " then went upstairs and WOKE UP my sleeping charges. Stunning surprise, but 30 minutes later those overtired little ones were all screaming and crying and overtired and she giggled, handed two screaming babies to me and said, " well, that's for you to deal with! "  I was LIVID...mostly because those babies didn't deserve to be woken up from needed sleep just because grandma was bored. I asked my boss " How much authority do I have to stop her? " and was told, " She won't even listen to us, but we'll make you a deal: Whenever she comes, you can leave for the day and we'll pay you anyway. That way she has to deal with the screaming. "  Worked for me...and she quickly stopped waking up my sleeping babies.  If you can't give your nanny the days off (paid...this isn't her fault) while nada is here, make a very clear rule to both of them that nada cannot come to the house unless you are there. Put it in writing...even if it is a short note to the nanny " Just a reminder, please do not allow anyone, even family members, into the house today! "  That way, if the nada does show up and if the nanny has to call the police to remove her, the nanny has it in writing to show authorities. You don't have to justify this to nada. " This is our rule. You don't have to like it, but we are not changing it. "  Long story short...prep your nanny on exactly how to handle your nada showing up early, assure her you will back her up on keeping nada out of your house, and don't pass off the boundary setting to your nanny. Unless, of course, you want your nanny to be complaining to her nanny friends...which often opens up the door for one of those friends to say " I know a better family for you to work for. "  Hope that helps. Ninera ________________________________ To: wtoadultchildren1 Sent: Tuesday, August 7, 2012 9:40 AM Subject: Irrational Fear?  I'm new to this group and also just started coming to terms with the fact that my mom has BPD (in therapy and its working so far). Here's the dilemma--I hadn't talked to nada in 3 months until last week. The call was awkward but she ended up telling me she is going to come visit to see my son, who is 7 months old. she also told me she has never felt comfortable in our home, which is odd given the tremendous effort we put in to make her comfortable (i.e. her favorite wine in stock, coffee, we even installed cable in the guest room b/c she needs the tv on to go to sleep!) and so she is going to stay in a hotel, which is a-ok with me! Anyways, the more I think about her coming to visit, the more anxious I get. I have this fear that she will take off with my son and fly back out west with him (you don't need any sort of proof that an infant is yours when you fly!) Of course, I won't be leaving my son and her alone for her to have the opportunity but I just can't seem to figure out where this fear is coming from. It's paralyzing. I've even thought of giving a pic of nada to the nanny so that she knows not to let nada into the house if she comes in a day early (which wouldn't surprise me). In my head I think this is irrational thinking, but it's such a strong feeling and I don't know what to do with it. advice/insight is welcome. sammy -- Sewell, Chair Commission on the Status of Women Arlington, VA Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 8, 2012 Report Share Posted August 8, 2012 I agree, Irene, the healthy people I know will ask if they can come to my house. Great point and something for me to be aware of. Shows great lack of respect for others. What is it with BPD that they don't handle seperation well? They take it like a personal affront when it is not. I also thought that some BPD's get better with age but from all the responses here it doesn't seem so. At least I was hoping our BPD would get better with age as she is fast approaching 40. I know with my mum it got worse due to the alcoholism. > > > > I'm new to this group and also just started coming to terms with the fact > > that my mom has BPD (in therapy and its working so far). Here's the > > dilemma--I hadn't talked to nada in 3 months until last week. The call was > > awkward but she ended up telling me she is going to come visit to see my > > son, who is 7 months old. she also told me she has never felt comfortable > > in our home, which is odd given the tremendous effort we put in to make her > > comfortable (i.e. her favorite wine in stock, coffee, we even installed > > cable in the guest room b/c she needs the tv on to go to sleep!) and so she > > is going to stay in a hotel, which is a-ok with me! > > > > Anyways, the more I think about her coming to visit, the more anxious I > > get. I have this fear that she will take off with my son and fly back out > > west with him (you don't need any sort of proof that an infant is yours > > when you fly!) Of course, I won't be leaving my son and her alone for her > > to have the opportunity but I just can't seem to figure out where this fear > > is coming from. It's paralyzing. I've even thought of giving a pic of nada > > to the nanny so that she knows not to let nada into the house if she comes > > in a day early (which wouldn't surprise me). In my head I think this is > > irrational thinking, but it's such a strong feeling and I don't know what > > to do with it. > > > > advice/insight is welcome. > > > > sammy > > > > > > -- > > Sewell, Chair > > Commission on the Status of Women > > Arlington, VA > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 8, 2012 Report Share Posted August 8, 2012 One of the reasons that they don't handle separation well is that they have a deep-seated fear of abandonment. They also have identity issues with seeing their close family as part of themselves. That combination makes them feel like part of themself has abandoned them when they're separated from us. It feels very personal to them even though it wouldn't to normal people. I don't think they generally get better with age. Sometimes the way they behave changes, but that's not necessarily an improvement. They tend to get increasingly set in their ways. My nada has gotten better in some ways, but she's gotten worse in others. I think the getting better part is probably a combination of me enforcing really strong boundaries and my sister disappearing from her life, possibly with a contribution from one or more of the drugs she is taking for various ailmenst. (She's taking an epilepsy drug because there's a piece of her brain " mis-firing " and I really wonder whether that could have an effect on BPD.) At 05:54 AM 08/08/2012 tomandfran1605 wrote: >I agree, Irene, the healthy people I know will ask if they can >come to my house. Great point and something for me to be aware >of. Shows great lack of respect for others. > >What is it with BPD that they don't handle seperation >well? They take it like a personal affront when it is not. > >I also thought that some BPD's get better with age but from all >the responses here it doesn't seem so. At least I was >hoping our BPD would get better with age as she is fast >approaching 40. I know with my mum it got worse due to the >alcoholism. -- Katrina Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 8, 2012 Report Share Posted August 8, 2012 Katrina, thanks. You explained that deeper than what I read. I get it now. Now I understand it better. I am really, really thinking my mother had it. I am going to talk to my sister about this soon. Got to think how to bring this up. There is a doctor in Florida that deals with BPD and he also uses seizure meds with his treatment of BPD. ature=results_main This is near where we live in Florida. Most times we work and live in India but we come back to Florida several times a year. This was my hope from my reading about it. Why Do BPD Symptoms Decline With Age? http://bpd.about.com/od/faqs/f/whydecline.htm I have heard from mothers who have daughters with it that they think as they go through the " change " the symptoms get better. I was sure hoping that was going to be the case with our BPD!!!!! Whew. > >I agree, Irene, the healthy people I know will ask if they can > >come to my house. Great point and something for me to be aware > >of. Shows great lack of respect for others. > > > >What is it with BPD that they don't handle seperation > >well? They take it like a personal affront when it is not. > > > >I also thought that some BPD's get better with age but from all > >the responses here it doesn't seem so. At least I was > >hoping our BPD would get better with age as she is fast > >approaching 40. I know with my mum it got worse due to the > >alcoholism. > > -- > Katrina > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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