Guest guest Posted August 7, 2012 Report Share Posted August 7, 2012 HI all, I am fairly new to this forum, but I can't tell you all how helpful all of your postings are to me. Thank you from the bottom of my heart! I have an issue, that comes up regularly, (which I have seen bits of this posted here and there but not exactly what my nada does)...and this happens aaaaalllll the time! I took nada to the museum this weekend (just the two of us- she's 82), and while before retrieving her from the assisted living facility, I worked my self into quite a stomach ache with anticipation, but after the first 10 minutes of bombarding me with questions about my twin teenage girls, (who hate her btw, because of the nasty words and actions that she has displayed to them or in front of them while growing up..but it makes me sad for nada because she can't make that connection and just think they hate her for no reason...or that I talk badly about her to them, which I don't) .... But anyway - there was a nice outdoor music thing, and we met some of my friends there...and she got to have a couple of nice chats (as nice as possible for her...it usually means she talks all about me and my 'accomplishments', or she goes into her long history of where shes lived, what colleges she went to, and what degrees my dad had... then how my daughters hate her...so I always feel like I have to apologize later to whomever bit the bullet to talk to her politely , but instead end up with an earful of junk) and we ended up having an allaround nice time...not much drama, and she thanked me profusely, and I took her back home happy...I thought. (and this is the 'this happens everytime' issue) It can take a few hours or a couple of days, but usually she will call me soon after any together time, with a problem. Today it was...'Hi dear...how are you - it was so nice to spend time with you...Oh, incidently, you said something Saturday that really bothers me...(what could that be mom?) I heard you tell your friend that one of your daughters is prettier than the other one, and I think that is just awful!!!! How could you say that? I feel just awful for the other one...how on earth could you ever say that to anyone?...(Mom, I didn't say that, you must have misheard me or something, I would never say that) BUT YOU DID! I HEARD YOU! ARE YOU SAYING I'M LYING? I KNOW WHAT I HEARD!!!! blah blah blah..mom I didn't say that...YES YOU DID, I HEARD YOU (click - she hung up) So what usually happens now - (since I have been enlightened by the BPD treasuretrove of info) I don't call her back or email her at all. I let her stew in her misinformation, or what I think happens in her brain is that she fixates on something that I did say, and (like the telephone game) the fixated statement starts to morph into what she fears most, then she makes it the truth) She can't help it and she doesn't do it on purpose but her wacked out brain makes the bad (false) things come to light, and there is nothing on earth I can do to dissuade her. I used to bite and end up engaging with her, which could extend the phone call to almost an hour of yelling...then end up hanging up anyway...same result. Now the hang up happens, and no engaging, and no drama on my part. She ends up coming around...maybe a week, or at the most, a couple of months. I guess I don't really have a question but wanted to share this recent happening - and wondered if any of you that have a relationship with their nada has this or any similar issue. It's surely exhausting. Thanks Lesley Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 7, 2012 Report Share Posted August 7, 2012 Lesley, You're right, that kind of thing is exhausting. My nada misremembers reality to suit her whenever it suits her to do so. She " remembers " conversations that are pretty much the opposite of what was really said sometimes. I've dealt with it by refusing to have discussions with her when she gets like that. If she starts being critical of what I say or do, or talking about events that I was involved in that never happened, I tell her we're not going to discuss it then hang up or leave if she won't stop. There's no stopping her once she gets started on something like that, so I don't let her get started. If she insists on thinking and saying that kind of thing, she can do it without me. It wasn't easy to do when I first started doing it but the more I refused to put up with that behavior, the better I got at enforcing my decision not to put up with it any more. At 02:35 PM 08/07/2012 twinmom62 wrote: >HI all, >I am fairly new to this forum, but I can't tell you all how >helpful all of your postings are to me. Thank you from the >bottom of my heart! > >I have an issue, that comes up regularly, (which I have seen >bits of this posted here and there but not exactly what my nada >does)...and this happens aaaaalllll the time! > >I took nada to the museum this weekend (just the two of us- >she's 82), and while before retrieving her from the assisted >living facility, I worked my self into quite a stomach ache >with anticipation, but after the first 10 minutes of bombarding >me with questions about my twin teenage girls, (who hate her >btw, because of the nasty words and actions that she has >displayed to them or in front of them while growing up..but it >makes me sad for nada because she can't make that connection >and just think they hate her for no reason...or that I talk >badly about her to them, which I don't) .... > >But anyway - there was a nice outdoor music thing, and we met >some of my friends there...and she got to have a couple of nice >chats (as nice as possible for her...it usually means she talks >all about me and my 'accomplishments', or she goes into her >long history of where shes lived, what colleges she went to, >and what degrees my dad had... then how my daughters hate >her...so I always feel like I have to apologize later to >whomever bit the bullet to talk to her politely , but instead >end up with an earful of junk) and we ended up having an >allaround nice time...not much drama, and she thanked me >profusely, and I took her back home happy...I thought. (and >this is the 'this happens everytime' issue) > >It can take a few hours or a couple of days, but usually she >will call me soon after any together time, with a >problem. Today it was...'Hi dear...how are you - it was so >nice to spend time with you...Oh, incidently, you said >something Saturday that really bothers me...(what could that be >mom?) I heard you tell your friend that one of your daughters >is prettier than the other one, and I think that is just >awful!!!! How could you say that? I feel just awful for the >other one...how on earth could you ever say that to >anyone?...(Mom, I didn't say that, you must have misheard me or >something, I would never say that) BUT YOU DID! I HEARD YOU! >ARE YOU SAYING I'M LYING? I KNOW WHAT I HEARD!!!! blah blah >blah..mom I didn't say that...YES YOU DID, I HEARD YOU (click - >she hung up) > >So what usually happens now - (since I have been enlightened by >the BPD treasuretrove of info) I don't call her back or email >her at all. I let her stew in her misinformation, or what I >think happens in her brain is that she fixates on something >that I did say, and (like the telephone game) the fixated >statement starts to morph into what she fears most, then she >makes it the truth) She can't help it and she doesn't do it on >purpose but her wacked out brain makes the bad (false) things >come to light, and there is nothing on earth I can do to >dissuade her. I used to bite and end up engaging with her, >which could extend the phone call to almost an hour of >yelling...then end up hanging up anyway...same result. Now the >hang up happens, and no engaging, and no drama on my part. She >ends up coming around...maybe a week, or at the most, a couple >of months. > >I guess I don't really have a question but wanted to share this >recent happening - and wondered if any of you that have a >relationship with their nada has this or any similar issue. > >It's surely exhausting. >Thanks >Lesley -- Katrina Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 7, 2012 Report Share Posted August 7, 2012 Yep - ditto on all that. It really helps to do exactly what you said below. It's funny though, after growing up with this, how easy it is to get " caught " and forget the tools. The biggest bummer of a flea that it leaves, (does anyone else have this?) is that I have trouble reading people sometimes, and I always second guess everything I say or have said, in an exchange with friends, coworkers, etc. I am always sure I said something wrong or inappropriate...and am always waiting for the " call " or " email " from someone telling me that I did or said something wrong. When in actuality (as confirmed by my husband and closest friends) I haven't. My perception is skewed. I'm working on that but that flea is exhausting as well. Growing up with this, and the low self esteem it has caused, has me doubting myself constantly. > Lesley, > You're right, that kind of thing is exhausting. My nada > misremembers reality to suit her whenever it suits her to do so. > She " remembers " conversations that are pretty much the opposite > of what was really said sometimes. I've dealt with it by > refusing to have discussions with her when she gets like that. > If she starts being critical of what I say or do, or talking > about events that I was involved in that never happened, I tell > her we're not going to discuss it then hang up or leave if she > won't stop. There's no stopping her once she gets started on > something like that, so I don't let her get started. If she > insists on thinking and saying that kind of thing, she can do it > without me. It wasn't easy to do when I first started doing it > but the more I refused to put up with that behavior, the better > I got at enforcing my decision not to put up with it any more. > > At 02:35 PM 08/07/2012 twinmom62 wrote: > >HI all, > >I am fairly new to this forum, but I can't tell you all how > >helpful all of your postings are to me. Thank you from the > >bottom of my heart! > > > >I have an issue, that comes up regularly, (which I have seen > >bits of this posted here and there but not exactly what my nada > >does)...and this happens aaaaalllll the time! > > > >I took nada to the museum this weekend (just the two of us- > >she's 82), and while before retrieving her from the assisted > >living facility, I worked my self into quite a stomach ache > >with anticipation, but after the first 10 minutes of bombarding > >me with questions about my twin teenage girls, (who hate her > >btw, because of the nasty words and actions that she has > >displayed to them or in front of them while growing up..but it > >makes me sad for nada because she can't make that connection > >and just think they hate her for no reason...or that I talk > >badly about her to them, which I don't) .... > > > >But anyway - there was a nice outdoor music thing, and we met > >some of my friends there...and she got to have a couple of nice > >chats (as nice as possible for her...it usually means she talks > >all about me and my 'accomplishments', or she goes into her > >long history of where shes lived, what colleges she went to, > >and what degrees my dad had... then how my daughters hate > >her...so I always feel like I have to apologize later to > >whomever bit the bullet to talk to her politely , but instead > >end up with an earful of junk) and we ended up having an > >allaround nice time...not much drama, and she thanked me > >profusely, and I took her back home happy...I thought. (and > >this is the 'this happens everytime' issue) > > > >It can take a few hours or a couple of days, but usually she > >will call me soon after any together time, with a > >problem. Today it was...'Hi dear...how are you - it was so > >nice to spend time with you...Oh, incidently, you said > >something Saturday that really bothers me...(what could that be > >mom?) I heard you tell your friend that one of your daughters > >is prettier than the other one, and I think that is just > >awful!!!! How could you say that? I feel just awful for the > >other one...how on earth could you ever say that to > >anyone?...(Mom, I didn't say that, you must have misheard me or > >something, I would never say that) BUT YOU DID! I HEARD YOU! > >ARE YOU SAYING I'M LYING? I KNOW WHAT I HEARD!!!! blah blah > >blah..mom I didn't say that...YES YOU DID, I HEARD YOU (click - > >she hung up) > > > >So what usually happens now - (since I have been enlightened by > >the BPD treasuretrove of info) I don't call her back or email > >her at all. I let her stew in her misinformation, or what I > >think happens in her brain is that she fixates on something > >that I did say, and (like the telephone game) the fixated > >statement starts to morph into what she fears most, then she > >makes it the truth) She can't help it and she doesn't do it on > >purpose but her wacked out brain makes the bad (false) things > >come to light, and there is nothing on earth I can do to > >dissuade her. I used to bite and end up engaging with her, > >which could extend the phone call to almost an hour of > >yelling...then end up hanging up anyway...same result. Now the > >hang up happens, and no engaging, and no drama on my part. She > >ends up coming around...maybe a week, or at the most, a couple > >of months. > > > >I guess I don't really have a question but wanted to share this > >recent happening - and wondered if any of you that have a > >relationship with their nada has this or any similar issue. > > > >It's surely exhausting. > >Thanks > >Lesley > > -- > Katrina > > lesley anton handmade ceramic lighting lesley anton : utility lesleyanton.com studio cell Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 7, 2012 Report Share Posted August 7, 2012 I can totally relate. My borderline pd/narcissistic pd/obsessive-compulsive pd mom is deceased now, she passed away last Christmas, but as she aged she became more and more paranoid and delusional. That escalating paranoia and delusional thinking might have been due to her having developed senile dementia, also. But even when my nada was younger she tended to put a negative spin on incoming information. I think that was due to *projecting* her own inner negative, unwanted thoughts onto other people. Or heck, maybe she just had galloping paranoia all along? Projecting is like: the person with bpd feels irritated with you, so they gaze at you for a few seconds (you are simply reading a book or watching TV) and then they announce, " Why are you scowling at me like that? You must be pissed off at me... " That's the person with bpd's way of getting rid of unwanted, " bad " thoughts or feelings: they fling them away from their own self and onto someone else. One of the diagnostic criteria for bpd is " transient, stress-related paranoid ideation, delusional thinking and/or dissociative episodes. " (Me personally, I don't know why paranoia and delusional thinking aren't considered much, MUCH more serious: like, Axis I level, psychosis-level serious, but they're not. Go figure.) My nada had that particular diagnostic criteria in spades, and it got worse as she got older (it wasn't very " transient " ; it was instead more like " fixed. " ) So, that's excellent that you have a very revealing insight into your nada's behaviors and figured out a way of managing and deflecting her negative projections, paranoia and delusional thinking, without letting it get to you as much as it used to. Thumb's up from me for some expert nada-wrangling on your part! -Annie > > HI all, > I am fairly new to this forum, but I can't tell you all how helpful all of your postings are to me. Thank you from the bottom of my heart! > > I have an issue, that comes up regularly, (which I have seen bits of this posted here and there but not exactly what my nada does)...and this happens aaaaalllll the time! > > I took nada to the museum this weekend (just the two of us- she's 82), and while before retrieving her from the assisted living facility, I worked my self into quite a stomach ache with anticipation, but after the first 10 minutes of bombarding me with questions about my twin teenage girls, (who hate her btw, because of the nasty words and actions that she has displayed to them or in front of them while growing up..but it makes me sad for nada because she can't make that connection and just think they hate her for no reason...or that I talk badly about her to them, which I don't) .... > > But anyway - there was a nice outdoor music thing, and we met some of my friends there...and she got to have a couple of nice chats (as nice as possible for her...it usually means she talks all about me and my 'accomplishments', or she goes into her long history of where shes lived, what colleges she went to, and what degrees my dad had... then how my daughters hate her...so I always feel like I have to apologize later to whomever bit the bullet to talk to her politely , but instead end up with an earful of junk) and we ended up having an allaround nice time...not much drama, and she thanked me profusely, and I took her back home happy...I thought. (and this is the 'this happens everytime' issue) > > It can take a few hours or a couple of days, but usually she will call me soon after any together time, with a problem. Today it was...'Hi dear...how are you - it was so nice to spend time with you...Oh, incidently, you said something Saturday that really bothers me...(what could that be mom?) I heard you tell your friend that one of your daughters is prettier than the other one, and I think that is just awful!!!! How could you say that? I feel just awful for the other one...how on earth could you ever say that to anyone?...(Mom, I didn't say that, you must have misheard me or something, I would never say that) BUT YOU DID! I HEARD YOU! ARE YOU SAYING I'M LYING? I KNOW WHAT I HEARD!!!! blah blah blah..mom I didn't say that...YES YOU DID, I HEARD YOU (click - she hung up) > > So what usually happens now - (since I have been enlightened by the BPD treasuretrove of info) I don't call her back or email her at all. I let her stew in her misinformation, or what I think happens in her brain is that she fixates on something that I did say, and (like the telephone game) the fixated statement starts to morph into what she fears most, then she makes it the truth) She can't help it and she doesn't do it on purpose but her wacked out brain makes the bad (false) things come to light, and there is nothing on earth I can do to dissuade her. I used to bite and end up engaging with her, which could extend the phone call to almost an hour of yelling...then end up hanging up anyway...same result. Now the hang up happens, and no engaging, and no drama on my part. She ends up coming around...maybe a week, or at the most, a couple of months. > > I guess I don't really have a question but wanted to share this recent happening - and wondered if any of you that have a relationship with their nada has this or any similar issue. > > It's surely exhausting. > Thanks > Lesley > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 7, 2012 Report Share Posted August 7, 2012 > Unfortunately I do know what you mean. Nada's reality is so far removed from the real world. My nada told me that she was upset because I had said I really want to move into her house. She thought I was trying to get rid of her and take her home away from her. I looked at her and said I never said that. She insists I did say that. Honestly, I would rather burn down that house than ever move into it. Way too many bad memories of her angry behavior, the terrible way she treated my Dad as he was dying, the general filth and stench of the place. No thanks; I'd rather live under the bridge. So she went on about how she felt. All I could do was say that I would never kick her out of the house, never take her stuff away from her. (That's another story about her accusing us of taking financial advantage of her). I'm always surprised when she says some weird thing to me or to others out in public and I know she's full of ****. Sometimes I know it's simple confusion of memory because of her age and sometimes it's an out and out lie. But she'll never admit making a mistake. So you are not alone. > > It can take a few hours or a couple of days, but usually she will call me soon after any together time, with a problem. Today it was...'Hi dear...how are you - it was so nice to spend time with you...Oh, incidently, you said something Saturday that really bothers me...(what could that be mom?) I heard you tell your friend that one of your daughters is prettier than the other one, and I think that is just awful!!!! How could you say that? I feel just awful for the other one...how on earth could you ever say that to anyone?...(Mom, I didn't say that, you must have misheard me or something, I would never say that) BUT YOU DID! I HEARD YOU! ARE YOU SAYING I'M LYING? I KNOW WHAT I HEARD!!!! blah blah blah..mom I didn't say that...YES YOU DID, I HEARD YOU (click - she hung up) > > So what usually happens now - (since I have been enlightened by the BPD treasuretrove of info) I don't call her back or email her at all. I let her stew in her misinformation, or what I think happens in her brain is that she fixates on something that I did say, and (like the telephone game) the fixated statement starts to morph into what she fears most, then she makes it the truth) She can't help it and she doesn't do it on purpose but her wacked out brain makes the bad (false) things come to light, and there is nothing on earth I can do to dissuade her. I used to bite and end up engaging with her, which could extend the phone call to almost an hour of yelling...then end up hanging up anyway...same result. Now the hang up happens, and no engaging, and no drama on my part. She ends up coming around...maybe a week, or at the most, a couple of months. > > I guess I don't really have a question but wanted to share this recent happening - and wondered if any of you that have a relationship with their nada has this or any similar issue. > > It's surely exhausting. > Thanks > Lesley > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 7, 2012 Report Share Posted August 7, 2012 Yep. Always. Not any longer, of course, as she's in a nursing home and doesn't really know who I am. But if I thought we had a good time, the other shoe would drop....eventually. For some odd reason once really stuck in my mind. I had invited Nada and my dad for a dinner party and served a delicious rich garlic lentil soup with mushrooms, veggies, etc., and crusty bread, and a salad. Couple days later she told me in the Nada voice: " I don't really like GARLIC. In other words, she didn't enjoy the dinner party. She went on and on about that garlic. Funny, all my life I had never heard a peep out of her about garlic before that.... That's just one tiny example. But yep, I know what you mean. Nada's are weird. Em > HI all, > I am fairly new to this forum, but I can't tell you all how helpful all of your postings are to me. Thank you from the bottom of my heart! > > I have an issue, that comes up regularly, (which I have seen bits of this posted here and there but not exactly what my nada does)...and this happens aaaaalllll the time! > > I took nada to the museum this weekend (just the two of us- she's 82), and while before retrieving her from the assisted living facility, I worked my self into quite a stomach ache with anticipation, but after the first 10 minutes of bombarding me with questions about my twin teenage girls, (who hate her btw, because of the nasty words and actions that she has displayed to them or in front of them while growing up..but it makes me sad for nada because she can't make that connection and just think they hate her for no reason...or that I talk badly about her to them, which I don't) .... > > But anyway - there was a nice outdoor music thing, and we met some of my friends there...and she got to have a couple of nice chats (as nice as possible for her...it usually means she talks all about me and my 'accomplishments', or she goes into her long history of where shes lived, what colleges she went to, and what degrees my dad had... then how my daughters hate her...so I always feel like I have to apologize later to whomever bit the bullet to talk to her politely , but instead end up with an earful of junk) and we ended up having an allaround nice time...not much drama, and she thanked me profusely, and I took her back home happy...I thought. (and this is the 'this happens everytime' issue) > > It can take a few hours or a couple of days, but usually she will call me soon after any together time, with a problem. Today it was...'Hi dear...how are you - it was so nice to spend time with you...Oh, incidently, you said something Saturday that really bothers me...(what could that be mom?) I heard you tell your friend that one of your daughters is prettier than the other one, and I think that is just awful!!!! How could you say that? I feel just awful for the other one...how on earth could you ever say that to anyone?...(Mom, I didn't say that, you must have misheard me or something, I would never say that) BUT YOU DID! I HEARD YOU! ARE YOU SAYING I'M LYING? I KNOW WHAT I HEARD!!!! blah blah blah..mom I didn't say that...YES YOU DID, I HEARD YOU (click - she hung up) > > So what usually happens now - (since I have been enlightened by the BPD treasuretrove of info) I don't call her back or email her at all. I let her stew in her misinformation, or what I think happens in her brain is that she fixates on something that I did say, and (like the telephone game) the fixated statement starts to morph into what she fears most, then she makes it the truth) She can't help it and she doesn't do it on purpose but her wacked out brain makes the bad (false) things come to light, and there is nothing on earth I can do to dissuade her. I used to bite and end up engaging with her, which could extend the phone call to almost an hour of yelling...then end up hanging up anyway...same result. Now the hang up happens, and no engaging, and no drama on my part. She ends up coming around...maybe a week, or at the most, a couple of months. > > I guess I don't really have a question but wanted to share this recent happening - and wondered if any of you that have a relationship with their nada has this or any similar issue. > > It's surely exhausting. > Thanks > Lesley > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 7, 2012 Report Share Posted August 7, 2012 There is something about that. I think it's the " I hate you " part of " Don't leave me. " They get close and then frantically need to reconstruct their melted individualities. Ashana Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 8, 2012 Report Share Posted August 8, 2012 I can totally relate to second guessing!! Sometimes I have to just pray about it and ask God for help. I have found though that due to my alcoholic, dysfunction and possible BPD upbringing that I have developed an antennae that picks up things way before others do. When I often " check " things out with safe people, I have to be careful not to discount that I am picking up vibes due to a super vigilant state I have acquired and they don't have. > > >HI all, > > >I am fairly new to this forum, but I can't tell you all how > > >helpful all of your postings are to me. Thank you from the > > >bottom of my heart! > > > > > >I have an issue, that comes up regularly, (which I have seen > > >bits of this posted here and there but not exactly what my nada > > >does)...and this happens aaaaalllll the time! > > > > > >I took nada to the museum this weekend (just the two of us- > > >she's 82), and while before retrieving her from the assisted > > >living facility, I worked my self into quite a stomach ache > > >with anticipation, but after the first 10 minutes of bombarding > > >me with questions about my twin teenage girls, (who hate her > > >btw, because of the nasty words and actions that she has > > >displayed to them or in front of them while growing up..but it > > >makes me sad for nada because she can't make that connection > > >and just think they hate her for no reason...or that I talk > > >badly about her to them, which I don't) .... > > > > > >But anyway - there was a nice outdoor music thing, and we met > > >some of my friends there...and she got to have a couple of nice > > >chats (as nice as possible for her...it usually means she talks > > >all about me and my 'accomplishments', or she goes into her > > >long history of where shes lived, what colleges she went to, > > >and what degrees my dad had... then how my daughters hate > > >her...so I always feel like I have to apologize later to > > >whomever bit the bullet to talk to her politely , but instead > > >end up with an earful of junk) and we ended up having an > > >allaround nice time...not much drama, and she thanked me > > >profusely, and I took her back home happy...I thought. (and > > >this is the 'this happens everytime' issue) > > > > > >It can take a few hours or a couple of days, but usually she > > >will call me soon after any together time, with a > > >problem. Today it was...'Hi dear...how are you - it was so > > >nice to spend time with you...Oh, incidently, you said > > >something Saturday that really bothers me...(what could that be > > >mom?) I heard you tell your friend that one of your daughters > > >is prettier than the other one, and I think that is just > > >awful!!!! How could you say that? I feel just awful for the > > >other one...how on earth could you ever say that to > > >anyone?...(Mom, I didn't say that, you must have misheard me or > > >something, I would never say that) BUT YOU DID! I HEARD YOU! > > >ARE YOU SAYING I'M LYING? I KNOW WHAT I HEARD!!!! blah blah > > >blah..mom I didn't say that...YES YOU DID, I HEARD YOU (click - > > >she hung up) > > > > > >So what usually happens now - (since I have been enlightened by > > >the BPD treasuretrove of info) I don't call her back or email > > >her at all. I let her stew in her misinformation, or what I > > >think happens in her brain is that she fixates on something > > >that I did say, and (like the telephone game) the fixated > > >statement starts to morph into what she fears most, then she > > >makes it the truth) She can't help it and she doesn't do it on > > >purpose but her wacked out brain makes the bad (false) things > > >come to light, and there is nothing on earth I can do to > > >dissuade her. I used to bite and end up engaging with her, > > >which could extend the phone call to almost an hour of > > >yelling...then end up hanging up anyway...same result. Now the > > >hang up happens, and no engaging, and no drama on my part. She > > >ends up coming around...maybe a week, or at the most, a couple > > >of months. > > > > > >I guess I don't really have a question but wanted to share this > > >recent happening - and wondered if any of you that have a > > >relationship with their nada has this or any similar issue. > > > > > >It's surely exhausting. > > >Thanks > > >Lesley > > > > -- > > Katrina > > > > > > lesley anton handmade ceramic lighting > lesley anton : utility > > lesleyanton.com > studio > cell > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 8, 2012 Report Share Posted August 8, 2012 ANY of us? All of us. They love to gaslight, and recall how they think things should have been, not how they were. They believe the lie so fervently they can make you doubt your own reality. It becomes easier if you remember their frame of reference. At the heart they are hugely insecure about their identity. Hard to believe, when they seem so narcissistic and self centered. Because they have no confidence in who they truly are, they cling desperately to world views of themselves as either the hero or the victim. That way , they feel deserving of either praise or pity. It is sad, because this prevents us from giving them normal love and affection. It is infuriating to be sure. Was just reading Randi s Psych Today blog. Current article Titled BP/NP Behavior is not about you. One of her statements is " Don t let them cast you as the central figure in their drama. " Sound advice. The drama, the distorted memory, none of it is about you. It happens with everyone they touch. It simply happens more with you because you are around them more. Think of it as walking with an imaginative 3 year old. Mommy there s a monster. No honey, its a tree. Mommy, Jimmy stolded my candy. No, sweety, Mommy saw you eat it. Jimmy has his own candy. And so on. It won t stop a 3 year old from living in fanstasy. But niether will the 3 year old stop us from living in reality. We can choose to be the adult. Perhaps someday they will as well. But, don t hold your breath till you get your way! Doug Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 9, 2012 Report Share Posted August 9, 2012 Great advice, Doug. I am really learning a lot on this forum. Thanks to all of you that answer my questions!! I don't want to have unrealistic expectations and set up for hurt all over again. I have been down that road. Tired of it. To be honest I couldn't stand the pain anymore. It is too much. I have been in recovery myself for alcoholism/codependency/adult children of alkies and after being in direct contact with our BPD for 13 years I was so racked I thought about drinking again. Won't blow my recovery for anyone! > > > ANY of us? All of us. > > They love to gaslight, and recall how they think things should have > been, not how they were. They believe the lie so fervently they can > make you doubt your own reality. > > It becomes easier if you remember their frame of reference. At the > heart they are hugely insecure about their identity. Hard to believe, > when they seem so narcissistic and self centered. Because they have no > confidence in who they truly are, they cling desperately to world views > of themselves as either the hero or the victim. That way , they feel > deserving of either praise or pity. > > It is sad, because this prevents us from giving them normal love and > affection. It is infuriating to be sure. > > Was just reading Randi s Psych Today blog. Current article Titled BP/NP > Behavior is not about you. One of her statements is " Don t let them > cast you as the central figure in their drama. " > > Sound advice. The drama, the distorted memory, none of it is about you. > It happens with everyone they touch. It simply happens more with you > because you are around them more. > > Think of it as walking with an imaginative 3 year old. Mommy there s a > monster. No honey, its a tree. Mommy, Jimmy stolded my candy. No, > sweety, Mommy saw you eat it. Jimmy has his own candy. And so on. > > It won t stop a 3 year old from living in fanstasy. But niether will the > 3 year old stop us from living in reality. We can choose to be the > adult. Perhaps someday they will as well. But, don t hold your breath > till you get your way! > > > > Doug > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 9, 2012 Report Share Posted August 9, 2012 Hi Lesley, It really is a lovely group indeed! Welcome. It is a great place to vent such frustrations, and to find out that you are not alone. Your story really struck me because the " untruths " as you have appropriately named them used to be a BIG trigger for me (and do occasionally still suck me in). From what I have read about people with BPD, your description is quite right. The BPDperson experiences an emotion (Ex: being horrified by your alleged favouritism), and it no longer matters what actually happened. Because they experienced it emotionally, for them it becomes the truth, and any attempt from you is perceived as rejection. I have had numerous encounters with my BPDMom like the one you described. With a lot of therapy and work, I have learned to see the humor in them. Over the years her lies & exaggerations include everything from insisting that I have anger-management issues (might want to look in the mirror on that one Mom) to trying to get me to " remember " all the times she cooked a beautiful turkey dinner over the holidays (my FOO non-enabling grandma And I had a great laugh about that one). In reality, it took 7 years of therapy for me to be able to express anger, and my BPDMom often neglected to buy me food and she maybe cooked a meal 5-10 times in my entire childhood. For me, I find the most important thing is preserving my OWN sense of reality. Just because your BpMom says something happened does not make it true- no amount of yelling or hanging up can make it so. You know what you said, and she has the mental illness, not you. Good for you for sticking up for yourself, that can be so hard to do when a Momster is yelling and trying to intimidate you. Keep sticking to what you know to be true, you are doing great! You must be a good mother and a strong role model if your twins can tell that your BPDMom is not normal. I don't mean to belittle in any way your desire for them to have a relationship with her (which is commendable), but it is wonderful that they are not susceptible to her manipulation. It shows that you have obviously parented some smart children! All that, and you are trying to maintain a relationship with your high maintenance elderly mother. Don't forget to put yourself first. Good luck with her post-outing attacks. It sounds as though you have a strategy, so keep protecting yourself. One thing I might suggest if you feel up to it is to try not engaging in a debate of events. It is very difficult, but a great tool if you can manage it. For example, if she claims you said one child is more attractive, rather than debating her, try a response such as " well that's an interesting interpretation, " or " I can see how you might have thought you heard that at such a busy gathering, " Even something like " that WOULD be a terrible thing for a parent to sAy! " does not acknowledge or reinforce her comment in any way. It's hard not to defend yourself, but once you get out of the habit, it is a way of communicating that leaves you with your dignity and her without someone to argue with. She may still hang up and yell, but you are not stuck in the futile position of trying to defend yourself. Best of luck with these behaviors! You are tough, you have the ability to seek help when you need to, and protect yourself. *hugs* -Jets > > HI all, > I am fairly new to this forum, but I can't tell you all how helpful all of your postings are to me. Thank you from the bottom of my heart! > > I have an issue, that comes up regularly, (which I have seen bits of this posted here and there but not exactly what my nada does)...and this happens aaaaalllll the time! > > I took nada to the museum this weekend (just the two of us- she's 82), and while before retrieving her from the assisted living facility, I worked my self into quite a stomach ache with anticipation, but after the first 10 minutes of bombarding me with questions about my twin teenage girls, (who hate her btw, because of the nasty words and actions that she has displayed to them or in front of them while growing up..but it makes me sad for nada because she can't make that connection and just think they hate her for no reason...or that I talk badly about her to them, which I don't) .... > > But anyway - there was a nice outdoor music thing, and we met some of my friends there...and she got to have a couple of nice chats (as nice as possible for her...it usually means she talks all about me and my 'accomplishments', or she goes into her long history of where shes lived, what colleges she went to, and what degrees my dad had... then how my daughters hate her...so I always feel like I have to apologize later to whomever bit the bullet to talk to her politely , but instead end up with an earful of junk) and we ended up having an allaround nice time...not much drama, and she thanked me profusely, and I took her back home happy...I thought. (and this is the 'this happens everytime' issue)J > > It can take a few hours or a couple of days, but usually she will call me soon after any together time, with a problem. Today it was...'Hi dear...how are you - it was so nice to spend time with you...Oh, incidently, you said something Saturday that really bothers me...(what could that be mom?) I heard you tell your friend that one of your daughters is prettier than the other one, and I think that is just awful!!!! How could you say that? I feel just awful for the other one...how on earth could you ever say that to anyone?...(Mom, I didn't say that, you must have misheard me or something, I would never say that) BUT YOU DID! I HEARD YOU! ARE YOU SAYING I'M LYING? I KNOW WHAT I HEARD!!!! blah blah blah..mom I didn't say that...YES YOU DID, I HEARD YOU (click - she hung up) > > So what usually happens now - (since I have been enlightened by the BPD treasuretrove of info) I don't call her back or email her at all. I let her stew in her misinformation, or what I think happens in her brain is that she fixates on something that I did say, and (like the telephone game) the fixated statement starts to morph into what she fears most, then she makes it the truth) She can't help it and she doesn't do it on purpose but her wacked out brain makes the bad (false) things come to light, and there is nothing on earth I can do to dissuade her. I used to bite and end up engaging with her, which could extend the phone call to almost an hour of yelling...then end up hanging up anyway...same result. Now the hang up happens, and no engaging, and no drama on my part. She ends up coming around...maybe a week, or at the most, a couple of months. > > I guess I don't really have a question but wanted to share this recent happening - and wondered if any of you that have a relationship with their nada has this or any similar issue. > > It's surely exhausting. > Thanks > Lesley > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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