Guest guest Posted August 9, 2012 Report Share Posted August 9, 2012 So I found out why my mother had been calling me several times yesterday. She ran into my husband and did her " friendly quizzing " about stuff I had told her about what my daughter was doing that day (for some reason, she simply HAS to know what my 14 yo is doing on a given day...sheesh, get a life!!), to verify what I told her. Now, my husband knows very well my history with nada. But, I guess she caught him off guard or he didn't feel comfortable lying (esp in front of our 7 yo who was w/him) and told her...that my 14 yo is away for 10 days on a camping trip. When he told me that she knew, I felt that THUD you feel in your stomach when you've had too much greasy food, you know? I was angry with him, angry with her. And then, I just felt relief. And kind of free. So she knows? So what? I know now she's going to start calling me to talk about it. I really have nothing to say. I'm so sick of hiding myself from her as a form of survival, mental survival. The less she knows the better. Then she finds something out and SHE feels fooled. It's almost funny b/c it was never any of her business to begin with. My husband told me he called her last night and was about to tell me their conversation. I stopped him. I said, " I don't want to talk about it. " He said, " oh, but it was a really positive conversation!! " He's so naive. Nada put on her best happy face for him and is saving her real self for me. That's how she operates with him. I really don't want to hear about ANY of their conversation and still feel the slightest bit betrayed by him for talking to her at length. If he wants to be her bff, have at it! So, the phone calls will begin from her. I'm still not decided if I'll pick up or not today. If I do, I have already decided that if she brings this topic up, which of course she will, I will essentially be chanting the same phrase, " this is between my husband and me. It is none of your business. I do not want to talk about this with you. " I'm just so tired of the stress of dealing with her. She's such an agitated, tiring person. The last 5 years since my father died have revealed so much that I thought he was making up. No wonder the poor man always looked so harried and pecked. Again, I am so grateful for this board, for people who really get it and are living this. Thanks for listening. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 9, 2012 Report Share Posted August 9, 2012 I so know the feeling! My nada is about to start on a one of her benders and your description is so dead on " thud in your stomach " . If I ignore her she'll just start harrassing everybody else or worse, show up at the house. I wish there was a magic pill we could slip into their food to make them at least act somewhat nice. ________________________________ To: " WTOAdultChildren1 " WTOAdultChildren1 > Sent: Thursday, August 9, 2012 6:03 AM Subject: Another impasse with nada  So I found out why my mother had been calling me several times yesterday. She ran into my husband and did her " friendly quizzing " about stuff I had told her about what my daughter was doing that day (for some reason, she simply HAS to know what my 14 yo is doing on a given day...sheesh, get a life!!), to verify what I told her. Now, my husband knows very well my history with nada. But, I guess she caught him off guard or he didn't feel comfortable lying (esp in front of our 7 yo who was w/him) and told her...that my 14 yo is away for 10 days on a camping trip. When he told me that she knew, I felt that THUD you feel in your stomach when you've had too much greasy food, you know?  I was angry with him, angry with her.  And then, I just felt relief.  And kind of free.  So she knows? So what?  I know now she's going to start calling me to talk about it.  I really have nothing to say. I'm so sick of hiding myself from her as a form of survival, mental survival. The less she knows the better. Then she finds something out and SHE feels fooled. It's almost funny b/c it was never any of her business to begin with. My husband told me he called her last night and was about to tell me their conversation. I stopped him. I said, " I don't want to talk about it. "  He said, " oh, but it was a really positive conversation!! "  He's so naive. Nada put on her best happy face for him and is saving her real self for me.  That's how she operates with him. I really don't want to hear about ANY of their conversation and still feel the slightest bit betrayed by him for talking to her at length. If he wants to be her bff, have at it! So, the phone calls will begin from her. I'm still not decided if I'll pick up or not today. If I do, I have already decided that if she brings this topic up, which of course she will, I will essentially be chanting the same phrase, " this is between my husband and me. It is none of your business. I do not want to talk about this with you. " I'm just so tired of the stress of dealing with her. She's such an agitated, tiring person. The last 5 years since my father died have revealed so much that I thought he was making up. No wonder the poor man always looked so harried and pecked. Again, I am so grateful for this board, for people who really get it and are living this. Thanks for listening. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 9, 2012 Report Share Posted August 9, 2012 That is a big insight and change in perspective for you, that's awesome! Thumb's up! You are right: You DON'T have to sit through an agitated, accusatory tirade from your nada, and you DON'T have to defend or explain your decision to her or attempt to soothe her anxiety and her paranoia. Those feelings are hers to manage. Your decisions and parenting choices are none of her business. You are beginning to realize and accept in the core of your being that you actually have all the power now; you nada has none. Her opinion of what you do and how you do it, is irrelevant, and even unhealthy/unbalanced because her opinion is based on paranoia and her other Hermit bpd traits. And you are beginning to realize that unlike your father, you are NOT obligated to manage your nada's feelings for her. He *married* her feelings and was managing her feelings for her 24/7, and felt that he couldn't walk away. Maybe he was an enmeshed, rescuer type? In any case, *you* don't have to take up the gauntlet and continue managing her feelings for her; you are not your mother's substitute husband or her therapist or her mommy. She is an adult, she is responsible for managing her own feelings and if she's frantically paranoid and agitated and upset most of the time, then she needs to choose to see a therapist. Here is a suggestion to consider; if you choose to accept a call from your nada, put it on speaker phone or record it so that your husband can hear the " Mr. Hyde " side of your nada's personality: the disrespectful, ugly, even hateful way she speaks to you. I think that might be an eye-opener for him if he only experiences the sweet " Dr. Jekyll " side of her. It was an eye-opener to me when I finally realized just exactly how vicious and ugly my nada was being to my younger Sister, and it really impacted my feelings for nada. I felt repulsed when nada would speak so sweetly to me, knowing how she had been treating my Sister and making her cry. Its part of why I decided to go No Contact with my nada. -Annie > > So I found out why my mother had been calling me several times yesterday. > > She ran into my husband and did her " friendly quizzing " about stuff I had told her about what my daughter was doing that day (for some reason, she simply HAS to know what my 14 yo is doing on a given day...sheesh, get a life!!), to verify what I told her. > > Now, my husband knows very well my history with nada. But, I guess she caught him off guard or he didn't feel comfortable lying (esp in front of our 7 yo who was w/him) and told her...that my 14 yo is away for 10 days on a camping trip. > > When he told me that she knew, I felt that THUD you feel in your stomach when you've had too much greasy food, you know? I was angry with him, angry with her. > > And then, I just felt relief. And kind of free. So she knows? So what? > > I know now she's going to start calling me to talk about it. I really have nothing to say. I'm so sick of hiding myself from her as a form of survival, mental survival. The less she knows the better. Then she finds something out and SHE feels fooled. It's almost funny b/c it was never any of her business to begin with. > > My husband told me he called her last night and was about to tell me their conversation. I stopped him. I said, " I don't want to talk about it. " > He said, " oh, but it was a really positive conversation!! " > > He's so naive. Nada put on her best happy face for him and is saving her real self for me. That's how she operates with him. > > I really don't want to hear about ANY of their conversation and still feel the slightest bit betrayed by him for talking to her at length. If he wants to be her bff, have at it! > > So, the phone calls will begin from her. I'm still not decided if I'll pick up or not today. If I do, I have already decided that if she brings this topic up, which of course she will, I will essentially be chanting the same phrase, " this is between my husband and me. It is none of your business. I do not want to talk about this with you. " > > I'm just so tired of the stress of dealing with her. She's such an agitated, tiring person. The last 5 years since my father died have revealed so much that I thought he was making up. No wonder the poor man always looked so harried and pecked. > > Again, I am so grateful for this board, for people who really get it and are living this. Thanks for listening. > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 9, 2012 Report Share Posted August 9, 2012 Yes, bring on the magic pill!!! It's revolting that our nadas would rather not examine their own lives and instead choose to dissect ours. > > I so know the feeling! My nada is about to start on a one of her benders and your description is so dead on " thud in your stomach " . If I ignore her she'll just start harrassing everybody else or worse, show up at the house. I wish there was a magic pill we could slip into their food to make them at least act somewhat nice. > > > > ________________________________ > From: Fiona > To: " WTOAdultChildren1 " WTOAdultChildren1 > > Sent: Thursday, August 9, 2012 6:03 AM > Subject: Another impasse with nada > > > >  > > So I found out why my mother had been calling me several times yesterday. > > She ran into my husband and did her " friendly quizzing " about stuff I had told her about what my daughter was doing that day (for some reason, she simply HAS to know what my 14 yo is doing on a given day...sheesh, get a life!!), to verify what I told her. > > Now, my husband knows very well my history with nada. But, I guess she caught him off guard or he didn't feel comfortable lying (esp in front of our 7 yo who was w/him) and told her...that my 14 yo is away for 10 days on a camping trip. > > When he told me that she knew, I felt that THUD you feel in your stomach when you've had too much greasy food, you know?  I was angry with him, angry with her.  > > And then, I just felt relief.  And kind of free.  So she knows? So what?  > > I know now she's going to start calling me to talk about it.  I really have nothing to say. I'm so sick of hiding myself from her as a form of survival, mental survival. The less she knows the better. Then she finds something out and SHE feels fooled. It's almost funny b/c it was never any of her business to begin with. > > My husband told me he called her last night and was about to tell me their conversation. I stopped him. I said, " I don't want to talk about it. "  > He said, " oh, but it was a really positive conversation!! "  > > He's so naive. Nada put on her best happy face for him and is saving her real self for me.  That's how she operates with him. > > I really don't want to hear about ANY of their conversation and still feel the slightest bit betrayed by him for talking to her at length. If he wants to be her bff, have at it! > > So, the phone calls will begin from her. I'm still not decided if I'll pick up or not today. If I do, I have already decided that if she brings this topic up, which of course she will, I will essentially be chanting the same phrase, " this is between my husband and me. It is none of your business. I do not want to talk about this with you. " > > I'm just so tired of the stress of dealing with her. She's such an agitated, tiring person. The last 5 years since my father died have revealed so much that I thought he was making up. No wonder the poor man always looked so harried and pecked. > > Again, I am so grateful for this board, for people who really get it and are living this. Thanks for listening. > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 9, 2012 Report Share Posted August 9, 2012 I think you and your husband need to talk about being on the same page. He is married to you and needs to honor your feelings so the two of you can build trust.You both deserve trust in your marriage. I firmly believe that others need to stay out of the marriage relationship unless asked for advice. He can learn to sidestep questions or conversations without lying to your mother. Just because someone asks me a question I am under no obligation to answer that question. NONE PERIOD!! One can keep looking at their watch like they have to go and that really is a conversation ender. Keep acting like one is distracted and keep saying, I am sorry what was your question again? Purposeful forgetting frustrates the other person and finally they give up talking. Sounds mean but each one can develop something that they feel comfy with in their " bag of tricks " . There are all sorts of techniques that don't involve lying to another person yet not answering intrusive questions. Maybe we can pool our thoughts on what works and share them with each other. I do know that my BPD stepdaughter would try to break up her dad's and my relationship all the time. She was smart enough to season her complaints with enough truth, but not the whole truth, to get her dad on her side. When he would get home I would get the lecture about how I had to change to accomodate my stepdaughter. For the sake of the marriage I did it for 13 years but then the stepdaughter would change the standard putting me in a darned if I do ..darned if I don't box. When that didn't work she would start the tears for sympathy. I am so grateful that we had a family therapist that talked us through some stuff. I am so grateful for forums like this that showed both of us that it wasn't us!! Finally I had proof that this person had a problem. I believe that this child was a part, not all, of the breakup between her real parents. She also broke up other relationships between her father and his ex after the divorce. She tried hard to break up her sister's marriage but it didn't work. I don't know why that is but she can get vicious. Demands that blood is thicker than water, lays the guilt on very thick. Tries to get everyone on her side and isolate the spouse from outside. I am grateful that family members are starting to see through it all. One thing my husband and I had to come to agree with is that we may not understand the why the other wants something done a certain way. For the longest time I would spend hours trying to explain to my husband why I wanted such and such from him in order to feel safe or build trust. He couldn't understand. Finally I realized he doesn't have to understand. He just has to honor me and understand that this builds trust with me. It helps our relationship even if he doesn't know the logic behind it. I have asked him not to say anything to our BPD about me. If she brings me up he now says I don't want to talk about Fran. I told him that if she has a problem with me she needs to come directly to me and not him. He is relieved to be out of that triangle and I feel I can trust him not to pass info on to my BPD stepdaughter. This has helped our relationship immensely!! > > I so know the feeling! My nada is about to start on a one of her benders and your description is so dead on " thud in your stomach " . If I ignore her she'll just start harrassing everybody else or worse, show up at the house. I wish there was a magic pill we could slip into their food to make them at least act somewhat nice. > > > > ________________________________ > From: Fiona > To: " WTOAdultChildren1 " WTOAdultChildren1 > > Sent: Thursday, August 9, 2012 6:03 AM > Subject: Another impasse with nada > > > >  > > So I found out why my mother had been calling me several times yesterday. > > She ran into my husband and did her " friendly quizzing " about stuff I had told her about what my daughter was doing that day (for some reason, she simply HAS to know what my 14 yo is doing on a given day...sheesh, get a life!!), to verify what I told her. > > Now, my husband knows very well my history with nada. But, I guess she caught him off guard or he didn't feel comfortable lying (esp in front of our 7 yo who was w/him) and told her...that my 14 yo is away for 10 days on a camping trip. > > When he told me that she knew, I felt that THUD you feel in your stomach when you've had too much greasy food, you know?  I was angry with him, angry with her.  > > And then, I just felt relief.  And kind of free.  So she knows? So what?  > > I know now she's going to start calling me to talk about it.  I really have nothing to say. I'm so sick of hiding myself from her as a form of survival, mental survival. The less she knows the better. Then she finds something out and SHE feels fooled. It's almost funny b/c it was never any of her business to begin with. > > My husband told me he called her last night and was about to tell me their conversation. I stopped him. I said, " I don't want to talk about it. "  > He said, " oh, but it was a really positive conversation!! "  > > He's so naive. Nada put on her best happy face for him and is saving her real self for me.  That's how she operates with him. > > I really don't want to hear about ANY of their conversation and still feel the slightest bit betrayed by him for talking to her at length. If he wants to be her bff, have at it! > > So, the phone calls will begin from her. I'm still not decided if I'll pick up or not today. If I do, I have already decided that if she brings this topic up, which of course she will, I will essentially be chanting the same phrase, " this is between my husband and me. It is none of your business. I do not want to talk about this with you. " > > I'm just so tired of the stress of dealing with her. She's such an agitated, tiring person. The last 5 years since my father died have revealed so much that I thought he was making up. No wonder the poor man always looked so harried and pecked. > > Again, I am so grateful for this board, for people who really get it and are living this. Thanks for listening. > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 10, 2012 Report Share Posted August 10, 2012 Excellent advice about putting it all on the speaker phone, out in the open and no more secrets!! Love that, Annie!! The more light shone in the darkness the better I believe. Recently my BPD was stalking me via facebook, she is not on my facebook btw. She then starting sending me emails from another address that I had not blocked. Got roughly 6 in one sitting which got my heart pounding badly. Emails were really ugly (this was done in the early hours of Sat. morn so I believe she was out partying with friends when she did this..alcohol always makes our BPD more aggressive) so I did sent them to some family and friends. FINALLY people started to understand what I had put up with so many years. Our therapist, that we went to as a family informed me, from seeing those emails, that she was cycling paraniod delusional and to stay away from her since she would cycle out of it. Was wonderful to have answers and direction, plus I was just following the doctor's orders!! LOL! My friend said that I should report her to facebook for harrassment. At that point I weenied out, but in retrospect I should have done it, and am fully prepared to do so in the future regardless of what the family thinks!! I am getting there one baby step at a time. > > > > So I found out why my mother had been calling me several times yesterday. > > > > She ran into my husband and did her " friendly quizzing " about stuff I had told her about what my daughter was doing that day (for some reason, she simply HAS to know what my 14 yo is doing on a given day...sheesh, get a life!!), to verify what I told her. > > > > Now, my husband knows very well my history with nada. But, I guess she caught him off guard or he didn't feel comfortable lying (esp in front of our 7 yo who was w/him) and told her...that my 14 yo is away for 10 days on a camping trip. > > > > When he told me that she knew, I felt that THUD you feel in your stomach when you've had too much greasy food, you know? I was angry with him, angry with her. > > > > And then, I just felt relief. And kind of free. So she knows? So what? > > > > I know now she's going to start calling me to talk about it. I really have nothing to say. I'm so sick of hiding myself from her as a form of survival, mental survival. The less she knows the better. Then she finds something out and SHE feels fooled. It's almost funny b/c it was never any of her business to begin with. > > > > My husband told me he called her last night and was about to tell me their conversation. I stopped him. I said, " I don't want to talk about it. " > > He said, " oh, but it was a really positive conversation!! " > > > > He's so naive. Nada put on her best happy face for him and is saving her real self for me. That's how she operates with him. > > > > I really don't want to hear about ANY of their conversation and still feel the slightest bit betrayed by him for talking to her at length. If he wants to be her bff, have at it! > > > > So, the phone calls will begin from her. I'm still not decided if I'll pick up or not today. If I do, I have already decided that if she brings this topic up, which of course she will, I will essentially be chanting the same phrase, " this is between my husband and me. It is none of your business. I do not want to talk about this with you. " > > > > I'm just so tired of the stress of dealing with her. She's such an agitated, tiring person. The last 5 years since my father died have revealed so much that I thought he was making up. No wonder the poor man always looked so harried and pecked. > > > > Again, I am so grateful for this board, for people who really get it and are living this. Thanks for listening. > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 10, 2012 Report Share Posted August 10, 2012 Thanks Annie! Believe me, I still have moments where I'm just scared to confront her. I've been re-reading " Boundaries " and that's been helpful. I wish I could put nada on speaker so my husband could hear the real her. Unfortunately, we speak in another language, so he wouldn't be able to understand. Even under good circumstances on a sunny day and in a good mood, nada's voice still sounds angry and agitated! > > > > So I found out why my mother had been calling me several times yesterday. > > > > She ran into my husband and did her " friendly quizzing " about stuff I had told her about what my daughter was doing that day (for some reason, she simply HAS to know what my 14 yo is doing on a given day...sheesh, get a life!!), to verify what I told her. > > > > Now, my husband knows very well my history with nada. But, I guess she caught him off guard or he didn't feel comfortable lying (esp in front of our 7 yo who was w/him) and told her...that my 14 yo is away for 10 days on a camping trip. > > > > When he told me that she knew, I felt that THUD you feel in your stomach when you've had too much greasy food, you know? I was angry with him, angry with her. > > > > And then, I just felt relief. And kind of free. So she knows? So what? > > > > I know now she's going to start calling me to talk about it. I really have nothing to say. I'm so sick of hiding myself from her as a form of survival, mental survival. The less she knows the better. Then she finds something out and SHE feels fooled. It's almost funny b/c it was never any of her business to begin with. > > > > My husband told me he called her last night and was about to tell me their conversation. I stopped him. I said, " I don't want to talk about it. " > > He said, " oh, but it was a really positive conversation!! " > > > > He's so naive. Nada put on her best happy face for him and is saving her real self for me. That's how she operates with him. > > > > I really don't want to hear about ANY of their conversation and still feel the slightest bit betrayed by him for talking to her at length. If he wants to be her bff, have at it! > > > > So, the phone calls will begin from her. I'm still not decided if I'll pick up or not today. If I do, I have already decided that if she brings this topic up, which of course she will, I will essentially be chanting the same phrase, " this is between my husband and me. It is none of your business. I do not want to talk about this with you. " > > > > I'm just so tired of the stress of dealing with her. She's such an agitated, tiring person. The last 5 years since my father died have revealed so much that I thought he was making up. No wonder the poor man always looked so harried and pecked. > > > > Again, I am so grateful for this board, for people who really get it and are living this. Thanks for listening. > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 10, 2012 Report Share Posted August 10, 2012 Tomandfran, You make a really good point when you said re; your husband: " Finally I realized he doesn't have to understand. He just has to honor me and understand that this builds trust with me... I have asked him not to say anything to our BPD about me. It's funny, even my 7 yo knew not to say anything to nada about her sister being away. My husband just thinks that having it all out there is the way to go. We have been married almost 20 years and he still doesn't get it. I will never, ever get him to understand, but I like what you said and will try to communicate it that way: that he doesn't need to understand the dynamics I deal with with nada but he needs to just honor my request to not discuss me with her. (btw, good for you for the way you handled your stepdaughter. That must've been a nightmare.) thanks! Fiona > > > > I so know the feeling! My nada is about to start on a one of her benders and your description is so dead on " thud in your stomach " . If I ignore her she'll just start harrassing everybody else or worse, show up at the house. I wish there was a magic pill we could slip into their food to make them at least act somewhat nice. > > > > > > > > ________________________________ > > From: Fiona > > To: " WTOAdultChildren1 " WTOAdultChildren1 > > > Sent: Thursday, August 9, 2012 6:03 AM > > Subject: Another impasse with nada > > > > > > > >  > > > > So I found out why my mother had been calling me several times yesterday. > > > > She ran into my husband and did her " friendly quizzing " about stuff I had told her about what my daughter was doing that day (for some reason, she simply HAS to know what my 14 yo is doing on a given day...sheesh, get a life!!), to verify what I told her. > > > > Now, my husband knows very well my history with nada. But, I guess she caught him off guard or he didn't feel comfortable lying (esp in front of our 7 yo who was w/him) and told her...that my 14 yo is away for 10 days on a camping trip. > > > > When he told me that she knew, I felt that THUD you feel in your stomach when you've had too much greasy food, you know?  I was angry with him, angry with her.  > > > > And then, I just felt relief.  And kind of free.  So she knows? So what?  > > > > I know now she's going to start calling me to talk about it.  I really have nothing to say. I'm so sick of hiding myself from her as a form of survival, mental survival. The less she knows the better. Then she finds something out and SHE feels fooled. It's almost funny b/c it was never any of her business to begin with. > > > > My husband told me he called her last night and was about to tell me their conversation. I stopped him. I said, " I don't want to talk about it. "  > > He said, " oh, but it was a really positive conversation!! "  > > > > He's so naive. Nada put on her best happy face for him and is saving her real self for me.  That's how she operates with him. > > > > I really don't want to hear about ANY of their conversation and still feel the slightest bit betrayed by him for talking to her at length. If he wants to be her bff, have at it! > > > > So, the phone calls will begin from her. I'm still not decided if I'll pick up or not today. If I do, I have already decided that if she brings this topic up, which of course she will, I will essentially be chanting the same phrase, " this is between my husband and me. It is none of your business. I do not want to talk about this with you. " > > > > I'm just so tired of the stress of dealing with her. She's such an agitated, tiring person. The last 5 years since my father died have revealed so much that I thought he was making up. No wonder the poor man always looked so harried and pecked. > > > > Again, I am so grateful for this board, for people who really get it and are living this. Thanks for listening. > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 10, 2012 Report Share Posted August 10, 2012 Good for you, TomandFran!! > > > > > > So I found out why my mother had been calling me several times yesterday. > > > > > > She ran into my husband and did her " friendly quizzing " about stuff I had told her about what my daughter was doing that day (for some reason, she simply HAS to know what my 14 yo is doing on a given day...sheesh, get a life!!), to verify what I told her. > > > > > > Now, my husband knows very well my history with nada. But, I guess she caught him off guard or he didn't feel comfortable lying (esp in front of our 7 yo who was w/him) and told her...that my 14 yo is away for 10 days on a camping trip. > > > > > > When he told me that she knew, I felt that THUD you feel in your stomach when you've had too much greasy food, you know? I was angry with him, angry with her. > > > > > > And then, I just felt relief. And kind of free. So she knows? So what? > > > > > > I know now she's going to start calling me to talk about it. I really have nothing to say. I'm so sick of hiding myself from her as a form of survival, mental survival. The less she knows the better. Then she finds something out and SHE feels fooled. It's almost funny b/c it was never any of her business to begin with. > > > > > > My husband told me he called her last night and was about to tell me their conversation. I stopped him. I said, " I don't want to talk about it. " > > > He said, " oh, but it was a really positive conversation!! " > > > > > > He's so naive. Nada put on her best happy face for him and is saving her real self for me. That's how she operates with him. > > > > > > I really don't want to hear about ANY of their conversation and still feel the slightest bit betrayed by him for talking to her at length. If he wants to be her bff, have at it! > > > > > > So, the phone calls will begin from her. I'm still not decided if I'll pick up or not today. If I do, I have already decided that if she brings this topic up, which of course she will, I will essentially be chanting the same phrase, " this is between my husband and me. It is none of your business. I do not want to talk about this with you. " > > > > > > I'm just so tired of the stress of dealing with her. She's such an agitated, tiring person. The last 5 years since my father died have revealed so much that I thought he was making up. No wonder the poor man always looked so harried and pecked. > > > > > > Again, I am so grateful for this board, for people who really get it and are living this. Thanks for listening. > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 10, 2012 Report Share Posted August 10, 2012 Awesome! You are being more empowered, self-confident and courageous already! Kudos for taking those steps to protect yourself and your family. It takes a great deal of courage to finally turn those floodlights on and expose the abusive behaviors you've been subjected to: No more secret abuse. Thumb's up from me. -Annie > > Excellent advice about putting it all on the speaker phone, out in the open and no more secrets!! Love that, Annie!! The more light shone in the darkness the better I believe. > > Recently my BPD was stalking me via facebook, she is not on my facebook btw. She then starting sending me emails from another address that I had not blocked. Got roughly 6 in one sitting which got my heart pounding badly. Emails were really ugly (this was done in the early hours of Sat. morn so I believe she was out partying with friends when she did this..alcohol always makes our BPD more aggressive) so I did sent them to some family and friends. FINALLY people started to understand what I had put up with so many years. Our therapist, that we went to as a family informed me, from seeing those emails, that she was cycling paraniod delusional and to stay away from her since she would cycle out of it. Was wonderful to have answers and direction, plus I was just following the doctor's orders!! LOL! My friend said that I should report her to facebook for harrassment. At that point I weenied out, but in retrospect I should have done it, and am fully prepared to do so in the future regardless of what the family thinks!! I am getting there one baby step at a time. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 10, 2012 Report Share Posted August 10, 2012 I can empathize RE your fear of your nada. Its really hard to overcome conditioning that has been pounded into us since babyhood. I had to go total No Contact with my nada because it was impossible for me to just stand up to her; I was an adult and still that afraid of her on a molecular level. So, really, my mother's chronic domination of me gave me no option but to flee from her; there was no middle ground. She wasn't interested in a middle ground and I was too beaten down and afraid of her to even try to reach a middle ground; I just stopped caring. I was done. Why not put the phone calls on speaker phone anyway, and then translate for your husband's benefit? Hearing your words and your nada's words translated into English, but hearing your nada's tone of voice on the speaker phone will give your husband a real head's up on the actual abuse you are enduring. I'm guessing that if you do that, it will probably make your nada wildly frustrated when she realizes what is going on. No more secrets. Another possible result is that your nada will start phoning you less often, and she may even pull back on the ugly, abusive things she says to you when she realizes that its being " broadcast. " Abusers like to abuse in the dark, alone, behind closed doors where there are no witnesses. -Annie > > > > > > So I found out why my mother had been calling me several times yesterday. > > > > > > She ran into my husband and did her " friendly quizzing " about stuff I had told her about what my daughter was doing that day (for some reason, she simply HAS to know what my 14 yo is doing on a given day...sheesh, get a life!!), to verify what I told her. > > > > > > Now, my husband knows very well my history with nada. But, I guess she caught him off guard or he didn't feel comfortable lying (esp in front of our 7 yo who was w/him) and told her...that my 14 yo is away for 10 days on a camping trip. > > > > > > When he told me that she knew, I felt that THUD you feel in your stomach when you've had too much greasy food, you know? I was angry with him, angry with her. > > > > > > And then, I just felt relief. And kind of free. So she knows? So what? > > > > > > I know now she's going to start calling me to talk about it. I really have nothing to say. I'm so sick of hiding myself from her as a form of survival, mental survival. The less she knows the better. Then she finds something out and SHE feels fooled. It's almost funny b/c it was never any of her business to begin with. > > > > > > My husband told me he called her last night and was about to tell me their conversation. I stopped him. I said, " I don't want to talk about it. " > > > He said, " oh, but it was a really positive conversation!! " > > > > > > He's so naive. Nada put on her best happy face for him and is saving her real self for me. That's how she operates with him. > > > > > > I really don't want to hear about ANY of their conversation and still feel the slightest bit betrayed by him for talking to her at length. If he wants to be her bff, have at it! > > > > > > So, the phone calls will begin from her. I'm still not decided if I'll pick up or not today. If I do, I have already decided that if she brings this topic up, which of course she will, I will essentially be chanting the same phrase, " this is between my husband and me. It is none of your business. I do not want to talk about this with you. " > > > > > > I'm just so tired of the stress of dealing with her. She's such an agitated, tiring person. The last 5 years since my father died have revealed so much that I thought he was making up. No wonder the poor man always looked so harried and pecked. > > > > > > Again, I am so grateful for this board, for people who really get it and are living this. Thanks for listening. > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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