Guest guest Posted August 10, 2012 Report Share Posted August 10, 2012 Re-reading this book has got me thinking lately about what exactly my parents did to brainwash my brother and I to think that they are almost like God, that we should live our lives thinking first of them, making them the top priority, praying for forgiveness if we displeased them, living under an umbrella of fear, guilt, and obligation. As much as I disliked my parents' shadow on my lives, deep inside I had put them on a pedestal, like made them my idol, the thing I both feared and wanted most approval from! I remember at the age of 19 or 20, I began coloring in a coloring book. Hello??? If my daughter did that, I would take her to a therapist! I just went out and bought crayons and a coloring book. I had been going out more, which my mother didn't like and I think I had been secretly seeing a guy I knew and my mother was suspecting something, so living there was horrible with the interrogations and ugly looks. So I got the coloring books to make her happy and throw her off, to make her think I was still innocent and a child. Remembering that gives me chills and makes me sad at the youth I really didn't have. It was like living with a dictator regime, constantly asking what I was writing in my journal, even what I was thinking. Here's a part I loved from the book: " Setting boundaries inevitably involves taking responsibility for your choices. You are the one who makes them. You are the one who must live with their consequences. And you are the one who may be keeping yourself from making the choices you could be happy with. " Another part described my nada perfectly: " ...controllers are isolated. People stay with them out of fear, guilty, or dependency. If they're honest, controllers rarely feel loved. Why? Because in their heart of hearts, they know that the only reason people spend time with them is because they are pulling the strings. If they stopped threatening or manipulating, they would be abandoned. And at some deep level, they are aware of their isolation. " Fiona Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 10, 2012 Report Share Posted August 10, 2012 Wow, Fiona. Your post just knocked the breath out of me in a way. First of all, it sounds horrible what you went through. Reminds me of the mother in Black Swan. It is like being totally violated and stripped of space, boundaries, rights to our bodies, mind and voice. Horrible feeling to be so debased and treated sub-human. Then I started to remember how my mother use to do that. When I was a teen I started the bad habit of smoking. (I have quit since.) She would go into my ashtray and unroll all the cigs there to examine what was in them. She even told me she took them to a lab to make sure I wasn't smoking pot. (Later I did drink alcoholically and smoke pot in order to cope.) I can even remember not having any privacy in the bathroom. She would be outside banging on the door, what are you doing, what is taking so long. I admit I probably did take a long time in there but it was one place I could lock the door and just read my comics!! Keep in mind we had three bathrooms in the house so it wasn't a matter of hogging the room. That sense of being totally enmeshed with another person and violated really resonated with me in your post. It is just like being only an extension of mother and not being a person in my own right. I feel horrible remembering it and feel sorry that you also had to experience it. > > Re-reading this book has got me thinking lately about what exactly my parents did to brainwash my brother and I to think that they are almost like God, that we should live our lives thinking first of them, making them the top priority, praying for forgiveness if we displeased them, living under an umbrella of fear, guilt, and obligation. > > > As much as I disliked my parents' shadow on my lives, deep inside I had put them on a pedestal, like made them my idol, the thing I both feared and wanted most approval from! > > I remember at the age of 19 or 20, I began coloring in a coloring book. Hello??? If my daughter did that, I would take her to a therapist! I just went out and bought crayons and a coloring book. I had been going out more, which my mother didn't like and I think I had been secretly seeing a guy I knew and my mother was suspecting something, so living there was horrible with the interrogations and ugly looks. > > So I got the coloring books to make her happy and throw her off, to make her think I was still innocent and a child. > > Remembering that gives me chills and makes me sad at the youth I really didn't have. It was like living with a dictator regime, constantly asking what I was writing in my journal, even what I was thinking. > > Here's a part I loved from the book: > " Setting boundaries inevitably involves taking responsibility for your choices. You are the one who makes them. You are the one who must live with their consequences. And you are the one who may be keeping yourself from making the choices you could be happy with. " > > Another part described my nada perfectly: > " ...controllers are isolated. People stay with them out of fear, guilty, or dependency. If they're honest, controllers rarely feel loved. Why? Because in their heart of hearts, they know that the only reason people spend time with them is because they are pulling the strings. If they stopped threatening or manipulating, they would be abandoned. And at some deep level, they are aware of their isolation. " > > Fiona > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 10, 2012 Report Share Posted August 10, 2012 Fiona, you are truly a Godsend to me right now (and no I'm not putting you on a pedestal lol) but I am so appreciative of your words right now. Trying to put boundaries in a relationship that previously knew no boundaries, and indeed did keep me in a fog is difficult to say the least. I'm comforted knowing that I'm not alone and having this group has been so helpful to me. I can relate so much. We are officially NC with them again, though it is so close to the surface, its hard to not remember when she would be angry if I didn't invite her some place I was going with my friends, and said, even last night, that I never loved her because I always have been so selfish.....sigh. If only they could understand why I am being " selfish!! " > > Re-reading this book has got me thinking lately about what exactly my parents did to brainwash my brother and I to think that they are almost like God, that we should live our lives thinking first of them, making them the top priority, praying for forgiveness if we displeased them, living under an umbrella of fear, guilt, and obligation. > > > As much as I disliked my parents' shadow on my lives, deep inside I had put them on a pedestal, like made them my idol, the thing I both feared and wanted most approval from! > > I remember at the age of 19 or 20, I began coloring in a coloring book. Hello??? If my daughter did that, I would take her to a therapist! I just went out and bought crayons and a coloring book. I had been going out more, which my mother didn't like and I think I had been secretly seeing a guy I knew and my mother was suspecting something, so living there was horrible with the interrogations and ugly looks. > > So I got the coloring books to make her happy and throw her off, to make her think I was still innocent and a child. > > Remembering that gives me chills and makes me sad at the youth I really didn't have. It was like living with a dictator regime, constantly asking what I was writing in my journal, even what I was thinking. > > Here's a part I loved from the book: > " Setting boundaries inevitably involves taking responsibility for your choices. You are the one who makes them. You are the one who must live with their consequences. And you are the one who may be keeping yourself from making the choices you could be happy with. " > > Another part described my nada perfectly: > " ...controllers are isolated. People stay with them out of fear, guilty, or dependency. If they're honest, controllers rarely feel loved. Why? Because in their heart of hearts, they know that the only reason people spend time with them is because they are pulling the strings. If they stopped threatening or manipulating, they would be abandoned. And at some deep level, they are aware of their isolation. " > > Fiona > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted November 29, 2012 Report Share Posted November 29, 2012 Fiona I think you were remarkably smart to buy coloring books to throw your nada off. It is sad too, but really smart! The creative and sad lengths we had to go to in order to survive borderland. Sheesh Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 1, 2012 Report Share Posted December 1, 2012 Haha! yes, it's what I thought would work to make them love me like they used to. It is, very sad. > > Fiona I think you were remarkably smart to buy coloring books to throw your nada off. It is sad too, but really smart! > > The creative and sad lengths we had to go to in order to survive borderland. Sheesh > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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