Guest guest Posted August 7, 2012 Report Share Posted August 7, 2012 Hi everyone! I am very new to this and can NOT stop reading these posts with actual JOY (sorry!) that I am not alone and not the one going nuts!! I am the adult child (40) of what I now KNOW to be a BPD mother.I found this forum after hours and hours of reading and researching trying to figure out how to deal with her. I am at my complete wits' end at this point. A brief intro-I am the middle sibling and only daughter. My calm, cool, and beloved dad passed away suddenly 12 years ago. My brothers are both debilitating alcoholics who live on a see-saw of sobriety (inevitably when one is sober the other is not, feeding my mother's " love " of being needed and bitter/angry at the same time). I am happily married to a saint of a husband who has put up with her behavior for as long as possible but is at his wits' end as well. We have 6 children together (and 2 more awesome kids from his first marriage) who I am trying to keep it together for. And as if the weight of the world dealing with all life has given me (good and Bad)wasn't enough, my mother was diagnosed with cancer 2 months ago with the only family member being capable enough and close enough to deal with it being yours truly. Any boundaries that I wanted to and was trying to start putting into place have gone out the window and because of the cancer diagnosis I don't know how to deal. I'm about to crack! I will try to keep my posts about one issue at a time. I am so thankful to find this forum and be able to vent to those who can relate ))) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 10, 2012 Report Share Posted August 10, 2012 Welcome to the group. Don't feel bad about reading posts with joy. I think most of us understand how good it feels to finally find other people who understand what you've been through. There is no reason that your boundaries should go out the window just because your nada ( " nada " is the way we describe our not-a-mother mothers) has cancer. It isn't your fault that she has cancer. You are not responsible for dealing with it. Give her some help if you like, but do it on your terms, not hers. If you can't or don't want to do everything she demands, you can help her by checking into what resources your community offers for cancer patients. If she's old enough to qualify for programs intended for senior citizens she may be able to get some help that way too. You're entitled to not do whatever she wants if she refuses to treat you decently. At 09:45 PM 08/07/2012 kheod8 wrote: >Hi everyone! I am very new to this and can NOT stop reading >these posts with actual JOY (sorry!) that I am not alone and >not the one going nuts!! I am the adult child (40) of what I >now KNOW to be a BPD mother.I found this forum after hours and >hours of reading and researching trying to figure out how to >deal with her. I am at my complete wits' end at this point. A >brief intro-I am the middle sibling and only daughter. My calm, >cool, and beloved dad passed away suddenly 12 years ago. My >brothers are both debilitating alcoholics who live on a see-saw >of sobriety (inevitably when one is sober the other is not, >feeding my mother's " love " of being needed and bitter/angry at >the same time). I am happily married to a saint of a husband >who has put up with her behavior for as long as possible but is >at his wits' end as well. We have 6 children together (and 2 >more awesome kids from his first marriage) who I am trying to >keep it together for. And as if the weight of the world dealing >with all life has given me (good and Bad)wasn't enough, my >mother was diagnosed with cancer 2 months ago with the only >family member being capable enough and close enough to deal >with it being yours truly. Any boundaries that I wanted to and >was trying to start putting into place have gone out the window >and because of the cancer diagnosis I don't know how to deal. >I'm about to crack! I will try to keep my posts about one issue >at a time. I am so thankful to find this forum and be able to >vent to those who can relate ))) > -- Katrina Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 10, 2012 Report Share Posted August 10, 2012 Kheod, welcome!! I know how you feel at actually being happy to read about other people being in just as awful situations as me. It's such a relief to know, like you said, that you're not crazy, that there really is something wrong. I'm so sorry about your mother's cancer; of course, it's terrible but it also unfortunately throws another layer of misery into your relationship with her and your brothers. You already have so much on your plate with your marriage and your kids. Stay with us, we're here for you to support you through this. Welcome again, Fiona > > Hi everyone! I am very new to this and can NOT stop reading these posts with actual JOY (sorry!) that I am not alone and not the one going nuts!! I am the adult child (40) of what I now KNOW to be a BPD mother.I found this forum after hours and hours of reading and researching trying to figure out how to deal with her. I am at my complete wits' end at this point. A brief intro-I am the middle sibling and only daughter. My calm, cool, and beloved dad passed away suddenly 12 years ago. My brothers are both debilitating alcoholics who live on a see-saw of sobriety (inevitably when one is sober the other is not, feeding my mother's " love " of being needed and bitter/angry at the same time). I am happily married to a saint of a husband who has put up with her behavior for as long as possible but is at his wits' end as well. We have 6 children together (and 2 more awesome kids from his first marriage) who I am trying to keep it together for. And as if the weight of the world dealing with all life has given me (good and Bad)wasn't enough, my mother was diagnosed with cancer 2 months ago with the only family member being capable enough and close enough to deal with it being yours truly. Any boundaries that I wanted to and was trying to start putting into place have gone out the window and because of the cancer diagnosis I don't know how to deal. I'm about to crack! I will try to keep my posts about one issue at a time. I am so thankful to find this forum and be able to vent to those who can relate ))) > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 10, 2012 Report Share Posted August 10, 2012 I do not envy your nada cancer situation- I was in the same boat being an only child. It was HORRIBLE. As she got sicker her BPD got worse. She drained me to the point that I could barely stand to hold her hand or have her touch me. It felt like a colossal effort to do even that. I was drained before she got the cancer diagnosis- sounds like you are feeling the same way. Here is my advice, give only what you can. As others often say, you are not your mother's mommy. You have your own family you need to take care of. If you give more than you can, you will end up giving less because you are too drained. Your kids need you to be emotionally healthy or you can't be a good parent, and what's important than that? You've got to keep your boundaries in place- the more you give the more she will take; the more you give the more she expects. For example- say she needs to get to a doctors appt 2 days a week but you have a job you can't take that much time off for. She may raise holy hell that " you don't care " but don't let her guilt you or suck you into FOG (fear, obligation, guilt)- she can hire a service to take her. Things like that, know what I mean? Hang in there. Do you have a good T? If not please consider getting one- it is so helpful. Lastly, others who don't understand BPD will be judgmental when she complains about you not being there for her. She will probably make snide little poor me remarks if she's anything like my nada was. You've got to find a way to let this go and not worry about what others think. They don't get it. Welcome to the group, it helps me so much. There are not enough words to express my gratitude for this group. > > Hi everyone! I am very new to this and can NOT stop reading these posts with actual JOY (sorry!) that I am not alone and not the one going nuts!! I am the adult child (40) of what I now KNOW to be a BPD mother.I found this forum after hours and hours of reading and researching trying to figure out how to deal with her. I am at my complete wits' end at this point. A brief intro-I am the middle sibling and only daughter. My calm, cool, and beloved dad passed away suddenly 12 years ago. My brothers are both debilitating alcoholics who live on a see-saw of sobriety (inevitably when one is sober the other is not, feeding my mother's " love " of being needed and bitter/angry at the same time). I am happily married to a saint of a husband who has put up with her behavior for as long as possible but is at his wits' end as well. We have 6 children together (and 2 more awesome kids from his first marriage) who I am trying to keep it together for. And as if the weight of the world dealing with all life has given me (good and Bad)wasn't enough, my mother was diagnosed with cancer 2 months ago with the only family member being capable enough and close enough to deal with it being yours truly. Any boundaries that I wanted to and was trying to start putting into place have gone out the window and because of the cancer diagnosis I don't know how to deal. I'm about to crack! I will try to keep my posts about one issue at a time. I am so thankful to find this forum and be able to vent to those who can relate ))) > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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