New and Need Some Advice

August 8, 2012

Hello,

Im new to this site and would love some advice on how to deal with the problems

i have at home. Im a 20 year old woman who due to financial problems am forced

to live with my mom. she was diagnosed last year for BPD even though well before

then it was obvious something was wrong with her. my biggest problem with her is

that she thinks i have to tend to every need. she has no friends so she expects

me to be her friend. if i go out with friends she gets an attitude and says im

abandoning her. she also has a huge boundary problem. she walks in my room at

all hours of the night screaming about things. she must know who im talking to

all the time and she even called my therapist to give her input on why she felt

my therapist wasn't helping me. Im at my wits end with her but shes my mom and i

have to live with her so i don't know what to do. any advice would be great!!!

Thanks!

August 14, 2012

Wow, anyone walking into my private space, without asking first, would be a huge

problem for me. Can you lock the door and then if she bangs on it to get in

answer it slowly?? The longer you take to let her in might get the message

across to her that you need privacy. I do think that BPDs are afraid of other

people's space. It is a threat to them.

I sure wouldn't want to be " friends " with my mother and hang out with her. To be

real honest I wouldn't want to hang out with either of my stepdaughters. It is

healthy for you to have friends your own age to do stuff with. In my opinion

BPDs don't look at the reasons, within themselves, as to why folks don't want to

hang out with them. That is not our problem. BPDs never understand that, but I

am beginning to think it isn't my job to enlighten them. Who asked me? My job is

taking responsiblity for my own issues and that is a full time job!!

>

> Hello,

> Im new to this site and would love some advice on how to deal with the

problems i have at home. Im a 20 year old woman who due to financial problems am

forced to live with my mom. she was diagnosed last year for BPD even though well

before then it was obvious something was wrong with her. my biggest problem with

her is that she thinks i have to tend to every need. she has no friends so she

expects me to be her friend. if i go out with friends she gets an attitude and

says im abandoning her. she also has a huge boundary problem. she walks in my

room at all hours of the night screaming about things. she must know who im

talking to all the time and she even called my therapist to give her input on

why she felt my therapist wasn't helping me. Im at my wits end with her but shes

my mom and i have to live with her so i don't know what to do. any advice would

be great!!!

>

> Thanks!

>

August 14, 2012

Ugh, I feel for you -- I'm also at home with my Nada (although I plan to be

out before the year changes) and she's done the same barge-in-and-scream

thing as well as the " call the therapist and tell her she's not doing

things right " routine.

In my case, I changed the door knob on my door to one with a keyed lock and

made sure she didn't get a copy of the key. Are you house-handy enough

that you might be able to do that? (I was sure to do it when she was away

so she wouldn't be able to come down and interrupt.) As for the

therapist, that was harder, because my situation with my therapist was

strange: she was my Mom's -- VERY briefly -- before she was mine, and she

got sucked into Mom's dramas and fantasies much too easily and I ended up

having to switch therapists because of it. BAD situation!

The main advice I would have for you is:

1) Try REAL HARD to get out! I know how tough this can be but in the long

term it's your best bet for holding onto your sanity. If you stay in the

same space with her you're always going to be her emotional toxic waste

dump.

2) Until you can get out, focus hard on boundaries. Stay calm, stay firm,

stay clear, remind yourself that the problem is HER and not YOU, and try

not to start mirroring her out-of-control emotions. You can't stop her

from feeling bad when you go out with your friends, but you SHOULD go out

with your friends, and you should try hard to stay out of the FOG (Fear,

Obligation, Guilt) that your mother will use to try to tell you you're a

bad person for having friends. You're not, so don't buy into it.

3) Work on your own techniques for emotional control and stress reduction.

There are a lot of things people do to help themselves relax and shed

negative emotions like the ones BPDs fling around all the time -- do some

reading and find what works for you. In my opinion, the biggest problem we

have is not what the BPDs do to us, but what they cause us to do to

OURSELVES when we stress out over their behavior. That much, at least, we

have some control over -- not THEIR behavior, but our own responses to

them. Whatever you can do to maintain your own health and sanity in a

healthy way, you should do. Long walks, aromatherapy, Zumba, meditation,

reading romance novels, martial arts, whatever you can do!

4) You can investigate some techniques for communicating more effectively

(possibly) with your Mom for those times when you simply can't avoid or

block her out. There are methods that go by the acronyms " DEAR " and

" PUVAS " , for example, that you can research and see if they help. I've

never had a lot of luck with these, but then my Nada is elderly and

extremely stuck in her ways, so the odds that ANYTHING I do will actually

have a significant effect on her are nil. Check out some information on

" DBT " (dialectical behavior therapy) and see if you can apply some of those

methods for when you deal with your Mom.

I hope some of that is helpful in some way, and wish you loads of luck.

Hang in there!

-- Jen H.

> **

>

> Hello,

> Im new to this site and would love some advice on how to deal with the

> problems i have at home. Im a 20 year old woman who due to financial

> problems am forced to live with my mom. she was diagnosed last year for BPD

> even though well before then it was obvious something was wrong with her.

> my biggest problem with her is that she thinks i have to tend to every

> need. she has no friends so she expects me to be her friend. if i go out

> with friends she gets an attitude and says im abandoning her. she also has

> a huge boundary problem. she walks in my room at all hours of the night

> screaming about things. she must know who im talking to all the time and

> she even called my therapist to give her input on why she felt my therapist

> wasn't helping me. Im at my wits end with her but shes my mom and i have to

> live with her so i don't know what to do. any advice would be great!!!

>

> Thanks!

>

August 14, 2012

That's a tough situation to be in. Let me start by saying that

the fact that she is your mother doesn't give her the right to

be abusive to you. Make no mistake about it, the behavior you

describe is emotionally abusive and mentally unhealthy for both

of you. That being said, living in her house limits what you can

do about it. Since it is her house she gets to make some of the

rules and since you don't want to be kicked out you have to put

up with them to some extent.

My first suggestion is that you devote as much of your time and

energy as possible to finding a way to get out of her house. Do

you have any income? If so, is there any way you could use it to

rent a room or get into a house-sharing situation? If you don't

have any income, can you get a job? Even a part-time minimum

wage job would be better than no income at all.

Until you can get out, I'd suggest putting a lock on your door

if you can do so and spending as much time out of the house as

you can. Do you have a feel for how much you can do without

having her kick you out? Boundaries are hard to enforce when the

person you're enforcing them against has the power to make you

homeless. Normally I'd recommend immediately ending any

conversation that involves screaming, excessive demands, and/or

too much attitude. You may not be able to do that very well

while living with her, especially when she can just barge into

your room to continue screaming at you. If you can't end the

conversations, you can try to react as calmly as you can and to

reply in ways that sooth her without giving in to her

unreasonable demands. You can acknowledge how she feels without

accepting any responsibity for her feelings. You can try to

change the topic of conversation without telling her the

personal details she wants to hear. No matter what she does,

remember that you are not responsible for her. You are her

daughter, not her friend. You're not her servant or slave

either. If you're living in her house without paying room and

board you should take on a share of the household upkeep and

chores but you don't have to tend to her every need. If she's

able-bodied she can attend to her own needs and should be doing

so. They're not your responsibility.

How did your therapist react when she called? At your age, a

therapist shouldn't be discussing you with anyone else without

your permission and should have told her so. If your therapist

is not firmly in your corner, get a new one.

At 06:39 PM 08/08/2012 disneyqueen91 wrote:

>Hello,

>Im new to this site and would love some advice on how to deal

>with the problems i have at home. Im a 20 year old woman who

>due to financial problems am forced to live with my mom. she

>was diagnosed last year for BPD even though well before then it

>was obvious something was wrong with her. my biggest problem

>with her is that she thinks i have to tend to every need. she

>has no friends so she expects me to be her friend. if i go out

>with friends she gets an attitude and says im abandoning her.

>she also has a huge boundary problem. she walks in my room at

>all hours of the night screaming about things. she must know

>who im talking to all the time and she even called my therapist

>to give her input on why she felt my therapist wasn't helping

>me. Im at my wits end with her but shes my mom and i have to

>live with her so i don't know what to do. any advice would be

>great!!!

>

>Thanks!

--

Katrina

August 14, 2012

You may have rights just as you would if you were paying rent. You would have a

right to have a door that locks.

Sleep deprivation is a form of abuse. It is not ok for her to barge in screaming

at you at any time, but especailly not when you are sleeping. Calling your

therapist is another big violation. Do you trust your T? What kind of advice is

s/he giving you about your situation at home?

It is not your job to be your mother's emotional caretaker. That is her job. No

matter how much she does for you financially, you are not obligated to put her

needs first. Having boundaries and telling her no, refusing to come running

every time she pouts or says she needs you, will be good for you but it will

also be better for her in the long run. Normal parents want their children to

grow up and become independent and have friends and a separate life. They don't

try to use their children to meet their own needs. You have a right to feelings

and friends.

Sveta

August 14, 2012

I agree with Jen.

First of all, as long as you are stuck in your bpd mother's home, I suggest that

you spend as little actual time at home as possible. Its just a place for you

to sleep and take a shower, basically. Eat out. If you can spend most of your

time at school, at a library, outside exercising, at the homes of friends,

and/or at a part-time job, the less physical time you spend in your mother's

presence, the better. When you are at home, I suggest adopting a technique

called " Medium Chill " , which is not as easy as it sounds, but its a way of

remaining polite and " present " , but without really engaging with the personality

disordered person.

(see post # 132289 for the short article on Medium Chill.)

Living with your bpd mother and/or being financially dependent on her (or in

business with her, or sharing investments with her, etc.) really is one of the

worst-case scenarios an adult child of a bpd mother can be in, because it

totally negates your human rights. In such a circumstance, your bpd mother has

all the power and authority: she remains The Mother Who Must Be Obeyed, and you

remain the child (or chattel, as though she owns you) who must obey her, and

that's very, VERY, dysfunctional and unhealthy once you are an adult. My

suggestion is to make it a top priority to find some way: any healthy,

reasonable way, to make other living arrangements ASAP. Perhaps a relative or a

friend would be willing to have you stay over for a couple of weeks, just so you

can have a break, get some real sleep and some quiet space to think and focus on

your options for a little while.

If you are in college, there are usually counselors at school for students as a

free service or at very reduced rates. Maybe think about checking that out to

see if there is counseling available for you. A lot of cities offer counseling

services at reduced rates for those who are receiving social services benefits.

Perhaps you qualify for some kind of social assistance? Its worth checking out

all your possible options for living assistance, if it will get you out of your

bpd mother's home any quicker.

Meanwhile, read all you can about borderline pd. Many of the books about bpd

are available at your local library; you can ask the librarian to order them for

you, even.

I recommend " Understanding The Borderline Mother " , it helped me a great deal.

Keep posting, we're here to validate you and give you emotional support.

-Annie

>

> Ugh, I feel for you -- I'm also at home with my Nada (although I plan to be

> out before the year changes) and she's done the same barge-in-and-scream

> thing as well as the " call the therapist and tell her she's not doing

> things right " routine.

>

> In my case, I changed the door knob on my door to one with a keyed lock and

> made sure she didn't get a copy of the key. Are you house-handy enough

> that you might be able to do that? (I was sure to do it when she was away

> so she wouldn't be able to come down and interrupt.) As for the

> therapist, that was harder, because my situation with my therapist was

> strange: she was my Mom's -- VERY briefly -- before she was mine, and she

> got sucked into Mom's dramas and fantasies much too easily and I ended up

> having to switch therapists because of it. BAD situation!

>

> The main advice I would have for you is:

>

> 1) Try REAL HARD to get out! I know how tough this can be but in the long

> term it's your best bet for holding onto your sanity. If you stay in the

> same space with her you're always going to be her emotional toxic waste

> dump.

August 14, 2012

Hi,

I'm 27 and know exactly what you mean. I haven't lived at home now for almost 4

years and didn't actual realize what was going on until I left home and started

seeing a therapist. I think you're already ahead of the game in that you can

see this unhealthy behavior, the question is how to deal with it.

If possible, I suggest moving out as soon as you can, but I know how hard the

job market right now is. If you need to stay at home, start making some

boundaries. Making Boundaries is the hardest thing. Especially when your Nada,

comes in when you're just about to fall asleep to talk about how badly she feels

and how she's hurting. So then, because you don't want to feel like a jerk you

stay up for hours listening to her complain about the same things over and over

again.

My Mom treated me like her friend and I can honestly say it is not a healthy

relationship, and it partially ruined my relationship between me and my

stepfather when my nada came to me to discuss her issues.

This past year when I went home to visit, and went out with friends, my nada got

angry with me, asking Why I didn't invite her on " our girls day out " . I had to

explain to her that you're my mom, and though she felt excluded and sad she

finally understood when I explained it to her calmly.

Maybe that's something you can do when you go out with your friends, is to just

explain to her that your not excluding her but you have friends your own age you

need to hang out with.

Regarding your Therapist, maybe not say anything to her about your sessions, I

guess since she already has the therapists's number, you can't hide that, but

maybe not tell her when you go to your sessions. From my experience my

relationship with my Nada has gotten worse as I've continued to go to therapy

because I realize all of this stuff now, but she doesn't. It's good that your

Nada has been diagnosed, i wish my Nada could be, I feel after that we might be

able to have a relationship. Is your Nada still going to therapy to deal with

BPD? Are there exercises you can do with her or suggest to her when she acts up?

Also, lock your phone if you can. I don't have a lock on my phone because it's

just annoying, but when I go home I have to put a passcode on it because my Nada

has gone through my phone (at 26 years old, I pay for my own phone bill - yet

she's going through it).

The main thing, is to NOT feel guilty about having a life, about your free

space, about your friends. You have a life and you need to live it. Even if it

hurts your nada's feelings, you need to do what's right for you. And hopefully

your Nada will understand.

Sorry this was so long, i just could totally relate to what you said, and it''s

good for me to get this out too!

Best of Luck!

> >

> > Hello,

> > Im new to this site and would love some advice on how to deal with the