Guest guest Posted August 8, 2012 Report Share Posted August 8, 2012 Greetings, I just joined the group and wanted to say hello and introduce myself to everyone. You can call me Nadia, if you like. I am a young adult currently chugging my way through college. My older sister and I both grew up with a mother we now acknowledge to be BPD. She has never been formally diagnosed by a psychiatrist or mental health professional, as she refuses to see one (she thinks they're going to call her crazy and try to have her committed - I wonder why!), but both my sister's and my own therapist have labeled her as such. It certainly explains a lot. I hope I get used to the Yahoo group format soon - I haven't really used it before and it's a little confusing! More than anything, I feel like I have been molded and shaped by my mother's illness. When I was younger, I had a lot of trouble just liking myself and liking being alive because of all the trouble I seemed to cause my mom. It always felt as though there was something inherently wrong about me, and it turned me into a very meek and passive person. I've struggled with depression for several years and, recently, suicidal ideation. Though my suicidal episode was not directly related to my mom, there's no doubt in my mind that the environment in which I grew up gave rise to the sort of psychic environment where I can go so far off the deep end. I've been seeing therapists and psychologists on and off for the last year or so, and they have all reassured me that I have no problem more serious than depression, though I'm terrified that I'm going to turn into my mom. I find it difficult to find support in my social connections because of my upbringing - it's very difficult for me to open up to people. I feel like this is largely because most people (especially my peers) don't understand what it's like not only to be around people who are mentally ill, but to grow up in a world clouded by their false perceptions. I was homeschooled since kindergarten and it was impossible to get away from my mom. And that's why I'm here now! I decided to stop contact with my mother early this year when she put her hand on my neck and did not release me until she was sure that I wasn't going to stop screaming. (She was concerned about the neighbors hearing us.) In the past, my mom typically stuck to hurling verbal abuse at me, which I justified to myself because I was an 'awful kid' (among other shaky reasons - right now I can't recall them. Good sign, right?) - but this time I really sat down and thought about what she did and how unreasonable her response was. For the first time, I actually told her that what she just did to me was under no circumstances acceptable, and she brushed me off by saying that I had " made her angry, " as if it were my fault that she needed to hurt me. After that, I was terrified to leave the house, even though I knew I needed to get out. And when I did leave, I knew it would take a heck of a lot of convincing to get me back in there. So far, NC has been surprisingly painless - it's actually made me a little sad to see how little effort she's put into contacting me. She'll send me an email occasionally about minor things, but she hasn't tried to reach out to me. Meanwhile, she's been sending my sister multiple conversational emails a week... I certainly don't envy my sister (she's also recently begun NC), but it's sad to actually see how little she cares for me. I was always the dumb blonde/dad's kid growing up. How did you guys get through college/getting out of the roost with your BPD parents? Has anyone else been struggling with depression/suicidal thoughts? Right now, I'm calm and steady, but my last episode came on so quickly and so severely that I'm frightened I'm just going to snap again. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 14, 2012 Report Share Posted August 14, 2012 Hi Nadia, Welcome to the Group. Yes, there is something deeply reassuring and validating about finding a bunch of other people who understand what you are going through, because they too have experienced really similar bewildering, emotionally dysregulated, negative behaviors from their parents. For the longest time I thought it was my fault that my mother acted the way she did and treated me the way she did. Its encouraging to see that more and more younger people are now becoming aware that there is something called " personality disorder " and that possibly their own parent(s) have a pd: it lets the adult child's healing begin so much earlier. I didn't start to " get it " until my late 40's, but better late than never, sez I. There are so many new members joining lately, so I hope that each one of you will be greeted and welcomed, as all of you are very welcome here. My suggestion for you and the other new folks is to read as much as you can about the Cluster B personality disorders, because knowledge is power. And its empowering; it can help you break that heavy chain of guilt, fear, and obligation (referred to as FOG) that your personality disordered parent hung around your neck when you were a little child, that makes you believe that somehow you are responsible for your bpd mother's feelings: for keeping her happy, entertained, reassured, etc. But that was an inappropriate and irresponsible burden for a parent to affix to her own little child. There are a lot of good books out there now about the issue of having a borderline pd parent and what that does to the child. There is a reading list at the home site of this Group, but the book that had the biggest positive impact on me was " Understanding The Borderline Mother. " There are other books recommended here often, such as " Stop Walking On Eggshells " and its newer edition, and " Surviving A Borderline Parent " , and " Boundaries " , and " Toxic Parents " . All of these books are about helping the adult children of personality disordered parents understand that you, the now-adult child, did not cause your parent to be mentally ill, you can't control your mother or father, you can't change them, and you can't cure them. Your mentally ill parent is an adult and responsible to manage his or her own feelings, provide for her own needs, and seek therapy for herself if she is distressed RE her feelings and thoughts and perceptions. You are not your mother's " mommy " or " daddy " . You are not your mother's substitute husband, her substitute best friend, or her substitute therapist or social worker. Educating yourself about this serious mental illness, borderline personality disorder, will help you shed the inappropriate responsibility and misplaced feelings of guilt and realize that having your own needs met, having your own feelings recognized and validated and having your own, joyful independent adult life does not make you a bad daughter or son, and does not make you a bad person. Being able to connect with fellow KOs (adult Kids Of bpd parents) and reading books about borderline pd and about overcoming co-dependency will help you realize that its OK to set and maintain normal, healthy adult boundaries with your pd parent, which is often accompanied by less time spent with the pd parent, called " LC " or Low Contact. If the relationship is very destructive to the adult child, aka " toxic " , and negatively impacting the adult child's mental or physical health, draining the adult child's finances, and/or sucking up all his or her free time: taking it away from the adult child's own family, then sometimes the option of No Contact, either temporarily or permanently, is an option. And sometimes just doing little or nothing is what we choose to do. Its a very, very individual journey because each of our situations has a unique set of factors and parameters. What this Group is about is sharing with each other our own experiences, our individual path and journey to greater emotional health and peace, which is about discovering what works the best for YOU, now, whatever that is. Here, its about you and your needs, your health, your rights, and your emotional healing. So, Welcome to you and to all the new members. -Annie > > Greetings, > > I just joined the group and wanted to say hello and introduce myself to everyone. You can call me Nadia, if you like. I am a young adult currently chugging my way through college. My older sister and I both grew up with a mother we now acknowledge to be BPD. She has never been formally diagnosed by a psychiatrist or mental health professional, as she refuses to see one (she thinks they're going to call her crazy and try to have her committed - I wonder why!), but both my sister's and my own therapist have labeled her as such. It certainly explains a lot. > > I hope I get used to the Yahoo group format soon - I haven't really used it before and it's a little confusing! > > More than anything, I feel like I have been molded and shaped by my mother's illness. When I was younger, I had a lot of trouble just liking myself and liking being alive because of all the trouble I seemed to cause my mom. It always felt as though there was something inherently wrong about me, and it turned me into a very meek and passive person. > > I've struggled with depression for several years and, recently, suicidal ideation. Though my suicidal episode was not directly related to my mom, there's no doubt in my mind that the environment in which I grew up gave rise to the sort of psychic environment where I can go so far off the deep end. I've been seeing therapists and psychologists on and off for the last year or so, and they have all reassured me that I have no problem more serious than depression, though I'm terrified that I'm going to turn into my mom. > > I find it difficult to find support in my social connections because of my upbringing - it's very difficult for me to open up to people. I feel like this is largely because most people (especially my peers) don't understand what it's like not only to be around people who are mentally ill, but to grow up in a world clouded by their false perceptions. I was homeschooled since kindergarten and it was impossible to get away from my mom. And that's why I'm here now! > > I decided to stop contact with my mother early this year when she put her hand on my neck and did not release me until she was sure that I wasn't going to stop screaming. (She was concerned about the neighbors hearing us.) In the past, my mom typically stuck to hurling verbal abuse at me, which I justified to myself because I was an 'awful kid' (among other shaky reasons - right now I can't recall them. Good sign, right?) - but this time I really sat down and thought about what she did and how unreasonable her response was. For the first time, I actually told her that what she just did to me was under no circumstances acceptable, and she brushed me off by saying that I had " made her angry, " as if it were my fault that she needed to hurt me. After that, I was terrified to leave the house, even though I knew I needed to get out. And when I did leave, I knew it would take a heck of a lot of convincing to get me back in there. > > So far, NC has been surprisingly painless - it's actually made me a little sad to see how little effort she's put into contacting me. She'll send me an email occasionally about minor things, but she hasn't tried to reach out to me. Meanwhile, she's been sending my sister multiple conversational emails a week... I certainly don't envy my sister (she's also recently begun NC), but it's sad to actually see how little she cares for me. I was always the dumb blonde/dad's kid growing up. > > How did you guys get through college/getting out of the roost with your BPD parents? Has anyone else been struggling with depression/suicidal thoughts? Right now, I'm calm and steady, but my last episode came on so quickly and so severely that I'm frightened I'm just going to snap again. > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 14, 2012 Report Share Posted August 14, 2012 I used to get really depressed, too. Going to therapy helped me tremendously with that. Now I know how to change the thoughts that make me depressed, and how to cope better with life in general. I am really glad you have a T. People with BPD are emotionally abusive...it's part of the disorder. But putting her hands on your throat was also physically abusive. You could have called the police and had her arrested for that. I know that thought sounds scary...but I just want you to know you have that option. You could get a restraining order if you want to. I am so glad to hear you have chosen NC and are taking care of yourself by staying away from her. Getting out on your own will be a good thing. I know it can seem overwhelming sometimes, but getting out of an abusive environment will give you the space you need to heal and become your own person. Sveta Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 14, 2012 Report Share Posted August 14, 2012 Hi Nadia. I just joined the group today and am not sure how this works, but I read your post and was moved. My undiagnosed but definitely BDP mom tried to strangle me when I was just 6 or 7, a long time ago, but I can clearly remember something that traumatic. She totally cut my oxygen off and kept repeating " if only I could get away with it. " Then she stopped because she knew she couldn't. Your mom was afraid of the neighbors. My mom didn't know what to do with the body. There is no empathy or attachment to the child. They are just worried about consequenses they may suffer. Until I read your post I thought I was the only one who had a mom that would do something like that. The fact that you were home schooled is very scary to me. I had an older brother that went away to college when I was 5. He told me to do what she wanted to try and appease her and get out of the house as much as I could. Go to my friends, go to Lydia's, go anywhere, but stay away from her as much as I could. I was only 5. I was left with her. My father was never home; they later divorced when I was 10. My mom slept all day. I got myself off to school from Kidnergarten on. I was around normal people all day. I had excellent teachers and friends in the public school system. I was allowed to go camping with my best friend's family. I also got involved in extra curricular activites. It was even less time I had to spend with her, and she liked it because it made her look good. My brother came home on his college breaks and took me on trips to visit our Grandmas. I am not a very depressed person and have received no therapy. I am sure that if I had been home schooled and with her constantly I would have committed suicide or possibly even killed her. My heart goes out to you for what you have been through. Now it is your time to live for yourself. She took all those years away from you. Now it is your turn to go to college and do what you want. Oddly enough she quit talking to me when I went to college. I first attended the junior college in my home town where my father taught. She saw this as a betrayal to her. Ofcourse she was on a distortion campaign against my father and still is (this was 29 years ago). I went anyhow and then transfered to a 4 year college. I guess I never realized how lucky I was that I didn't have to deal with her in my college years. A weight had been lifted off me. I enjoyed college very much. Toward the end of college she sent me a letter because she wanted me to pick up a car from lower Michigan for her. I didn't, but we resumed our relationship. I have only seen her a handful of times and talk to her on the phone 2 or 3 times a year. It is my 47th birthday today, and she actually sent me a card. I will call her later. She doesn't call me because of the bill. This actually puts me in control. I struggle with two questions though. 1) Does she remember the abuse? 2) Does she know she is mentally ill with BPD? Nadia, I wish you the best in college. It will be a time for you to redefine yourself. You are not all those things she yelled at you. She was simply projectioing her illness onto you. If it was someone else she would have done the same thing. The sad thing is you didn't have teachers or other adults to counter those images. Now you do. You are a very stong person for having come through all of that, and I hope you can see that. Take care of yourself. You come first now for once in your life. > > Greetings, > > I just joined the group and wanted to say hello and introduce myself to everyone. You can call me Nadia, if you like. I am a young adult currently chugging my way through college. My older sister and I both grew up with a mother we now acknowledge to be BPD. She has never been formally diagnosed by a psychiatrist or mental health professional, as she refuses to see one (she thinks they're going to call her crazy and try to have her committed - I wonder why!), but both my sister's and my own therapist have labeled her as such. It certainly explains a lot. > > I hope I get used to the Yahoo group format soon - I haven't really used it before and it's a little confusing! > > More than anything, I feel like I have been molded and shaped by my mother's illness. When I was younger, I had a lot of trouble just liking myself and liking being alive because of all the trouble I seemed to cause my mom. It always felt as though there was something inherently wrong about me, and it turned me into a very meek and passive person. > > I've struggled with depression for several years and, recently, suicidal ideation. Though my suicidal episode was not directly related to my mom, there's no doubt in my mind that the environment in which I grew up gave rise to the sort of psychic environment where I can go so far off the deep end. I've been seeing therapists and psychologists on and off for the last year or so, and they have all reassured me that I have no problem more serious than depression, though I'm terrified that I'm going to turn into my mom. > > I find it difficult to find support in my social connections because of my upbringing - it's very difficult for me to open up to people. I feel like this is largely because most people (especially my peers) don't understand what it's like not only to be around people who are mentally ill, but to grow up in a world clouded by their false perceptions. I was homeschooled since kindergarten and it was impossible to get away from my mom. And that's why I'm here now! > > I decided to stop contact with my mother early this year when she put her hand on my neck and did not release me until she was sure that I wasn't going to stop screaming. (She was concerned about the neighbors hearing us.) In the past, my mom typically stuck to hurling verbal abuse at me, which I justified to myself because I was an 'awful kid' (among other shaky reasons - right now I can't recall them. Good sign, right?) - but this time I really sat down and thought about what she did and how unreasonable her response was. For the first time, I actually told her that what she just did to me was under no circumstances acceptable, and she brushed me off by saying that I had " made her angry, " as if it were my fault that she needed to hurt me. After that, I was terrified to leave the house, even though I knew I needed to get out. And when I did leave, I knew it would take a heck of a lot of convincing to get me back in there. > > So far, NC has been surprisingly painless - it's actually made me a little sad to see how little effort she's put into contacting me. She'll send me an email occasionally about minor things, but she hasn't tried to reach out to me. Meanwhile, she's been sending my sister multiple conversational emails a week... I certainly don't envy my sister (she's also recently begun NC), but it's sad to actually see how little she cares for me. I was always the dumb blonde/dad's kid growing up. > > How did you guys get through college/getting out of the roost with your BPD parents? Has anyone else been struggling with depression/suicidal thoughts? Right now, I'm calm and steady, but my last episode came on so quickly and so severely that I'm frightened I'm just going to snap again. > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 14, 2012 Report Share Posted August 14, 2012 Hi Nadia, My sympathies for your experiences. I think that school environments were the main reason I survived my own nada without going off the deep end. I applaud your brave efforts at recovery, and I'm glad you found this board. You asked what worked for other people. For me there have been a few really key points. (1) Educate yourself as much as possible about BPD, especially cognitive distortions and patterns of nada behaviour. Antecdotes on this board can be especially helpful, and I encourage you to go back and read them. Books such as Understanding the Borderline Mother, though perhaps not scientifically perfect, also contain extremely valuable antecdotes that can help validate your experience and help you make sense of it. (2) Educate yourself as much as possible about Trauma and PTSD. The single most important thing in my entire recovery process--well, besides going completely NC--was to read 'Trauma and Recovery' by Judith Herman. But I find this guy's understaning of complex PTSD and the 'inner critic' also to be essential: http://www.pete-walker.com/flashbackManagement.htm (3) Find out what your psychological 'spectrum' is and treat yourself accordingly. This is extremely important, and complicated, and oversimplified by many a less than competent psychologist. I am not one, but I know that there are several different related problems that kindof vary in severity, all of which are different beasts. You may well be clinically depressed. But what seems like depression can also be complex ptsd combined with being subjected to nada abuse (that was my case). For me, I was on the anxiety and dissociative disorder spectrum--thank God I don't have actual multiple personalities, but understanding that was my tendency made it possible for me to get treated for my 'ego states' (traumatic imprints of different ages) and LEAP forward in my recovery. Another person might be on the addiction spectrum. Another co-dependent. I don't claim to know or understand them all, but I can say that if you're on one, it's important to find the right one, and learn what is happening to you. And finally, (4) GET therapy, and keep changing therapists as much as you need to in order to find the right one. Don't be afraid to use phone therapy if you can't find the right one in your home town. Do not, under ANY circumstances, stay with a therapist who seems to take your nada's 'side' or try to help you 'get along' with nada by invalidating the abuses she inflicts. You need someone who specializes in the children of parents with borderline or narcissistic personality disorder. I am here to tell you that there is light at the end of the tunnel, and you have a right to your own happiness and self sufficiency. All the best, Charlotte > > Greetings, > > I just joined the group and wanted to say hello and introduce myself to everyone. You can call me Nadia, if you like. I am a young adult currently chugging my way through college. My older sister and I both grew up with a mother we now acknowledge to be BPD. She has never been formally diagnosed by a psychiatrist or mental health professional, as she refuses to see one (she thinks they're going to call her crazy and try to have her committed - I wonder why!), but both my sister's and my own therapist have labeled her as such. It certainly explains a lot. > > I hope I get used to the Yahoo group format soon - I haven't really used it before and it's a little confusing! > > More than anything, I feel like I have been molded and shaped by my mother's illness. When I was younger, I had a lot of trouble just liking myself and liking being alive because of all the trouble I seemed to cause my mom. It always felt as though there was something inherently wrong about me, and it turned me into a very meek and passive person. > > I've struggled with depression for several years and, recently, suicidal ideation. Though my suicidal episode was not directly related to my mom, there's no doubt in my mind that the environment in which I grew up gave rise to the sort of psychic environment where I can go so far off the deep end. I've been seeing therapists and psychologists on and off for the last year or so, and they have all reassured me that I have no problem more serious than depression, though I'm terrified that I'm going to turn into my mom. > > I find it difficult to find support in my social connections because of my upbringing - it's very difficult for me to open up to people. I feel like this is largely because most people (especially my peers) don't understand what it's like not only to be around people who are mentally ill, but to grow up in a world clouded by their false perceptions. I was homeschooled since kindergarten and it was impossible to get away from my mom. And that's why I'm here now! > > I decided to stop contact with my mother early this year when she put her hand on my neck and did not release me until she was sure that I wasn't going to stop screaming. (She was concerned about the neighbors hearing us.) In the past, my mom typically stuck to hurling verbal abuse at me, which I justified to myself because I was an 'awful kid' (among other shaky reasons - right now I can't recall them. Good sign, right?) - but this time I really sat down and thought about what she did and how unreasonable her response was. For the first time, I actually told her that what she just did to me was under no circumstances acceptable, and she brushed me off by saying that I had " made her angry, " as if it were my fault that she needed to hurt me. After that, I was terrified to leave the house, even though I knew I needed to get out. And when I did leave, I knew it would take a heck of a lot of convincing to get me back in there. > > So far, NC has been surprisingly painless - it's actually made me a little sad to see how little effort she's put into contacting me. She'll send me an email occasionally about minor things, but she hasn't tried to reach out to me. Meanwhile, she's been sending my sister multiple conversational emails a week... I certainly don't envy my sister (she's also recently begun NC), but it's sad to actually see how little she cares for me. I was always the dumb blonde/dad's kid growing up. > > How did you guys get through college/getting out of the roost with your BPD parents? Has anyone else been struggling with depression/suicidal thoughts? Right now, I'm calm and steady, but my last episode came on so quickly and so severely that I'm frightened I'm just going to snap again. > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 16, 2012 Report Share Posted August 16, 2012 You said, " I struggle with two questions though. 1) Does she remember the abuse? 2) Does she know she is mentally ill with BPD? " To answer your two questions, it is unlikely that she knows she has BPD. People who have BPD don't believe anything is wrong with them so they don't seek help with it for the most part, and if they do get diagnosed by a professional they tend to stop seeing that professional rather than believe the diagnosis. I'd guess that she doesn't remember the abuse in the same way you do. She may remember doing it but think it was totally justified. She may remember something happening but have a totally unrealistic idea of what it was. She may not remember it at all. People with BPD twist things around in their minds until they're in a form where they are not at fault and someone else is the bad guy. They lie to themselves until they believe their own lies. At 03:00 PM 08/14/2012 oneill_kellie@... wrote: > Hi Nadia. I just joined the group today and am not sure > how this works, but I read your post and was moved. My > undiagnosed but definitely BDP mom tried to strangle me when I > was just 6 or 7, a long time ago, but I can clearly remember > something that traumatic. She totally cut my oxygen off and > kept repeating " if only I could get away with it. " Then she > stopped because she knew she couldn't. Your mom was afraid of > the neighbors. My mom didn't know what to do with the body. > There is no empathy or attachment to the child. They are just > worried about consequenses they may suffer. Until I read your > post I thought I was the only one who had a mom that would do > something like that. > The fact that you were home schooled is very scary to me. > I had an older brother that went away to college when I was 5. > He told me to do what she wanted to try and appease her and > get out of the house as much as I could. Go to my friends, go > to Lydia's, go anywhere, but stay away from her as much as I > could. I was only 5. I was left with her. My father was never > home; they later divorced when I was 10. My mom slept all day. > I got myself off to school from Kidnergarten on. I was around > normal people all day. I had excellent teachers and friends in > the public school system. I was allowed to go camping with my > best friend's family. I also got involved in extra curricular > activites. It was even less time I had to spend with her, and > she liked it because it made her look good. My brother came > home on his college breaks and took me on trips to visit our > Grandmas. I am not a very depressed person and have received > no therapy. I am sure that if I had been home schooled and > with her constantly I would have committed suicide or possibly > even killed her. My heart goes out to you for what you have > been through. Now it is your time to live for yourself. She > took all those years away from you. Now it is your turn to go > to college and do what you want. > Oddly enough she quit talking to me when I went to > college. I first attended the junior college in my home town > where my father taught. She saw this as a betrayal to her. > Ofcourse she was on a distortion campaign against my father > and still is (this was 29 years ago). I went anyhow and then > transfered to a 4 year college. I guess I never realized how > lucky I was that I didn't have to deal with her in my college > years. A weight had been lifted off me. I enjoyed college very > much. Toward the end of college she sent me a letter because > she wanted me to pick up a car from lower Michigan for her. I > didn't, but we resumed our relationship. I have only seen her > a handful of times and talk to her on the phone 2 or 3 times a > year. It is my 47th birthday today, and she actually sent me a > card. I will call her later. She doesn't call me because of > the bill. This actually puts me in control. I struggle with > two questions though. 1) Does she remember the abuse? 2) Does > she know she is mentally ill with BPD? > Nadia, I wish you the best in college. It will be a time > for you to redefine yourself. You are not all those things she > yelled at you. She was simply projectioing her illness onto > you. If it was someone else she would have done the same > thing. The sad thing is you didn't have teachers or other > adults to counter those images. Now you do. You are a very > stong person for having come through all of that, and I hope > you can see that. Take care of yourself. You come first now > for once in your life. -- Katrina Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 17, 2012 Report Share Posted August 17, 2012 Hi Nadia, Welcome to the group! You are definitely in the right place as there are so many supportive people here who have gone through/are going through exactly what you are. I'm so sorry to hear that you have felt suicidal. It shows a lot of strength and resilience that you are able to voice that and express it. Have you found a good therapist who understands BPD? I know it can be costly when you're going through school, but if you can afford it in any way, it can be a tremendous help. I grew up with a single BPDMom, only child and felt very much the way you are describing; unlovable, odd, invisible etc. I could go on for paragraphs with empathy! I will try to be a bit more concise than that. I am currently married, just marked my 6th year of therapy, now have a professional job. About 10 years ago, I was where you are now. I can completely understand the crushing pain you are feeling. The fact that you were homeschooled is even more concerning. It took me about 5 years away from my momster to realize just how warped her sense of reality was. Give yourself some time to discover who you are, to get to know the world out there (it is generally much kinder and more loving than your mom likely was) and to heal. Healing takes a lot of time and work, but is DEFINITELY worth every tear. The fact that you feel depressed is totally understandable! Look what you have been through... a normal, sane person would be very depressed and self-deprecating after living through what you have. When I left my " roost " as you call it, I was very depressed. I moved to a beautiful city away from my BPDMom, and I couldn't enjoy it at all. I probably cried every day for about two years. My BPDMom made very little effort to stay in contact with me, or support me in any way, however, whenever we saw each other, she made sure to make me feel extremely guilty for " leaving her " . You're right to say that you were molded and shaped by your mother's illness, but you are now in charge of YOU. You can decide to change things, to be different, to react differently and to allow yourself to feel different. Despite the horrible things that you went through (and no child should ever have to go through), you might discover in college/university that you have some amazing qualities the other young people around you don't. I found out that I was extremely gritty and tough (even though BPDMom would disagree). My friends would complain about the pace of the school work and the stress, and I seemed to be able to manage a much larger workload than them- when I was not depressed. I hope you give yourself a chance to discover the wonderful qualities you likely have that your mom never noticed or aknowledged. It's fantastic that you are here, there is tonnes of support here! Keep up with your psychologists if you can, and try picking up some books about BPD, it might help you to understand some of your feelings of passivity and meekness. Although, you sound pretty thick-skinned to me, with everything that you have been through! Message me any time! I have totally been where you are. Good luck <3 > > Greetings, > > I just joined the group and wanted to say hello and introduce myself to everyone. You can call me Nadia, if you like. I am a young adult currently chugging my way through college. My older sister and I both grew up with a mother we now acknowledge to be BPD. She has never been formally diagnosed by a psychiatrist or mental health professional, as she refuses to see one (she thinks they're going to call her crazy and try to have her committed - I wonder why!), but both my sister's and my own therapist have labeled her as such. It certainly explains a lot. > > I hope I get used to the Yahoo group format soon - I haven't really used it before and it's a little confusing! > > More than anything, I feel like I have been molded and shaped by my mother's illness. When I was younger, I had a lot of trouble just liking myself and liking being alive because of all the trouble I seemed to cause my mom. It always felt as though there was something inherently wrong about me, and it turned me into a very meek and passive person. > > I've struggled with depression for several years and, recently, suicidal ideation. Though my suicidal episode was not directly related to my mom, there's no doubt in my mind that the environment in which I grew up gave rise to the sort of psychic environment where I can go so far off the deep end. I've been seeing therapists and psychologists on and off for the last year or so, and they have all reassured me that I have no problem more serious than depression, though I'm terrified that I'm going to turn into my mom. > > I find it difficult to find support in my social connections because of my upbringing - it's very difficult for me to open up to people. I feel like this is largely because most people (especially my peers) don't understand what it's like not only to be around people who are mentally ill, but to grow up in a world clouded by their false perceptions. I was homeschooled since kindergarten and it was impossible to get away from my mom. And that's why I'm here now! > > I decided to stop contact with my mother early this year when she put her hand on my neck and did not release me until she was sure that I wasn't going to stop screaming. (She was concerned about the neighbors hearing us.) In the past, my mom typically stuck to hurling verbal abuse at me, which I justified to myself because I was an 'awful kid' (among other shaky reasons - right now I can't recall them. Good sign, right?) - but this time I really sat down and thought about what she did and how unreasonable her response was. For the first time, I actually told her that what she just did to me was under no circumstances acceptable, and she brushed me off by saying that I had " made her angry, " as if it were my fault that she needed to hurt me. After that, I was terrified to leave the house, even though I knew I needed to get out. And when I did leave, I knew it would take a heck of a lot of convincing to get me back in there. > > So far, NC has been surprisingly painless - it's actually made me a little sad to see how little effort she's put into contacting me. She'll send me an email occasionally about minor things, but she hasn't tried to reach out to me. Meanwhile, she's been sending my sister multiple conversational emails a week... I certainly don't envy my sister (she's also recently begun NC), but it's sad to actually see how little she cares for me. I was always the dumb blonde/dad's kid growing up. > > How did you guys get through college/getting out of the roost with your BPD parents? Has anyone else been struggling with depression/suicidal thoughts? Right now, I'm calm and steady, but my last episode came on so quickly and so severely that I'm frightened I'm just going to snap again. > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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