new member dgt of bpmom

[Guest guest]

    Hello,

I'm not sure if my first email went through or not becaue I can't find the

posting, so it could be still in moderation.  I hate to repeat everything from

that one, but I also feel that I might not have followed the right steps or

protocal.  I clicked on one of the emails and responded to " " on August 7th

which also happens to be my birthday.  I was having a hard time in the afternoon

and shouldn't be surprised because I can't remember a birthday where my bpd mom

didn't either make it all about her or cause some sort of problem that I allowed

to ruin my birthday.  I turned 55 this year and for at least 50 of those years I

have made my mother's feelings and happiness to be the most important thing

to me, sometimes without even realizing it.  For so long, I had no idea there

was anything really wrong with my mom, or our relationship even, except that I

knew she had a problem with her " nerves " as she called it.  Since I was very

little, I was

much too involved in my parent's relationship to the point that she would have

me call him to come home if he was out at night, or I remember him dropping us

off so she could " get her hair done " every week (she didn't drive) and it would

be my resposiblitity to call him when she was finished to come pick us up.  You

see, he would leave us and go to a local " pool room " until my mom was ready. 

Many times, I remember being so unesy that he wouldn't come when called, because

this happened occasionally, or my heart feeling like it would beat out of my

chest while sitting waiting for him to show up after I called him and he said,

" I'll be right there " .  I was also the moderator during many of their

arguements.  I couldn't stand to see my mom cry and I was so aftraid my dad was

going to leave that I would beg them both to stop arguing and try to come up

with a solution to fix the problem, even though I might have been 10 by that

time.  Eventually my

dad was out more and more, and that left just me and mom.  I became her main

friend and most of the time " defender " .  This was during her " weak " times, when

I would take over her resposiblities down to taking care of my elderly

grandparents.  By the time I was 13. I was cleaning their house, and soon after

I would ride to grocery store to get their groceries with my mom because she had

finaly got enough courage to get driver's license.  I remember promising myself

I would never be so dependant on anyone like she was. But instead I continued to

allow her to depend on me.  At 18 I married a guy I barely knew which completely

upset " the apple cart " .  Oh the marriage didn't last long because I couldn't

stand leaving her in tears knowing she would be all alone and that I would be 30

miles away.  I really don't think I ever loved him anyway, it was just a chance

to escape, but what ended up happening is that I escaped into a relationship

with someone

that was just as dependant on me for everything as my mom was.  I only lived

with him for 5 months, and when I left he threatened to kill himself if I didn't

come back.  I was so scared and only 18 that I went back.  One night was all it

took, because when I walked into the room with him sitting there holding a gun,

I could only think about getting away.  Which I did as soon as he fell asleep.  

To speed things up, I was at home for 7 years after that before marrying my high

school sweetheart.  My mom was instrumental in getting us back together (if you

can believe that), but I think she thought at least I would be closer to home

and she might be able to control my boyfriend better since she had been the one

to bring us back together.  That worked pretty good for her, in fact, so good

that we ended up building a duplex together.  Yes, I made the biggest mistake of

my life when I suggested this to my then fiance and because I think he felt bad

at the time for my mom, he agreed.  They would live on one side and us on the

other.  The dream of happy ever after, never even got off the ground because

when we came back from our 3 day honeymoon, my mom was on the porch in a

screaming arguement with my dad and then turned on me because we had been gone

and left her all alone to " deal " with him.  There has been a lot of discussion

about loss

of memory on this site recently and I admit to years that I can't remember

details, but I can remember that day so clearly as if it was yesterday.  The

change in her eyes was evident and from then on until today, there have been

signs of each description from the " Witch " to the  " Hermit " to the " Queen " and it

would almost seem to happen at times in the same day. So, until I was lucky

enough to make a friend that saw the weird situation I described as " my life "

and tell me something was wrong with my relationship with my mom, explain

co-dependant to me for the first time, advise me to get in therapy and then

subsequently when I did .... I finally had a name for the roller coaster ride I

had been on since I could remember... that I was able to begin to attempt a

change in my life.  Now almost 29 yrs. later sometimes I feel like I haven't

made any progress.  There are times when I still try to make " sane out of crazy "

like my therapist described my

interactions 90% of the time with my mom.  I am so glad to have found this

group and hope that I can begin a new chapter with some support from you where I

can stop being " the pleaser " to her at all costs to me and finally begin to live

my life.  Thank u in advance for listening. Please let me know if I am posting

the correct way and if my first email has been seen or if this will be

considered my first post.

[Guest guest]

Welcome to the group.

I'm sorry to hear you weren't allowed to have a childhood. It must have been

hard having to be the parent in the family from such a young age.

Many of us who come from such families feel comfortable in the role of Helper or

Fixer; we are codependent and gravitate toward people who allow us to keep

filling those roles (like other people with PDs, or addicts). It has helped me a

lot to turn those helping energies inward and really work on nurturing myself

and identifying my own needs. I wasn't allowed to have feelings and needs of my

own as a child, so it felt uncomfortable at first...I didn't feel like I

deserved anything good, or that it was selfish to take care of me...but it has

gotten lots easier and allowed me to heal.

Your mother could have reached out for help from other adults to learn the

skills she lacked. Instead she chose to rely on a child. That is really sick. It

is not your job to make your mother happy. In fact, you can try until it kills

you, but she will never be happy, because that is her choice. It is not your

responsibility to keep her from being sad either. You can't control how she

feels. Is your mother still living? What are your interactions like now?

Sveta

[Guest guest]

Hello Debra,

Your post looks fine to me. I don't think I saw your earlier

post, perhaps because it was buried in another discussion.

Learning to stop putting your nada's ( " nada " is what we call our

non-motherlike mothers) feelings first can be hard. She's had a

lot of years to train you to make her the center of your world.

You'll find lots of support here though, and just having other

people who understand who you can talk to can be a big help. Try

to remember that you are not responsible for the way any other

adult, including your nada, feels. Each person is in charge of

their own feelings. You are entitled to your own life. Even as

children, many of us were made to feel like it was our

responsibility to take care of our nadas, not their

responsibility to take care of us. That was wrong. If you had a

normal mother, she wouldn't have made you feel responsible for

her and as you became an adult she would have wanted you to have

your own life and make your own choices. Wanting your life to

revolve around hers is not normal and you can, and should, turn

away from it. We can help you learn to do that.

At 12:51 AM 08/10/2012 Debra wrote:

> Hello,

>

>I'm not sure if my first email went through or not becaue I

>can't find the posting, so it could be still in moderation. I

>hate to repeat everything from that one, but I also feel that I

>might not have followed the right steps or protocal. I clicked

>on one of the emails and responded to " " on August 7th

>which also happens to be my birthday. I was having a hard time

>in the afternoon and shouldn't be surprised because I can't

>remember a birthday where my bpd mom didn't either make it all

>about her or cause some sort of problem that I allowed to ruin

>my birthday. I turned 55 this year and for at least 50 of

>those years I have made my mother's feelings and happiness to

>be the most important thing to me, sometimes without even

>realizing it. For so long, I had no idea there was anything

>really wrong with my mom, or our relationship even, except that

>I knew she had a problem with her " nerves " as she called

>it. Since I was very little, I was

> much too involved in my parent's relationship to the point

> that she would have me call him to come home if he was out at

> night, or I remember him dropping us off so she could " get her

> hair done " every week (she didn't drive) and it would be my

> resposiblitity to call him when she was finished to come pick

> us up. You see, he would leave us and go to a local " pool

> room " until my mom was ready. Many times, I remember being so

> unesy that he wouldn't come when called, because this happened

> occasionally, or my heart feeling like it would beat out of my

> chest while sitting waiting for him to show up after I called

> him and he said, " I'll be right there " . I was also the

> moderator during many of their arguements. I couldn't stand

> to see my mom cry and I was so aftraid my dad was going to

> leave that I would beg them both to stop arguing and try to

> come up with a solution to fix the problem, even though I

> might have been 10 by that time. Eventually my

> dad was out more and more, and that left just me and mom. I

> became her main friend and most of the time " defender " . This

> was during her " weak " times, when I would take over her

> resposiblities down to taking care of my elderly

> grandparents. By the time I was 13. I was cleaning their

> house, and soon after I would ride to grocery store to get

> their groceries with my mom because she had finaly got enough

> courage to get driver's license. I remember promising myself

> I would never be so dependant on anyone like she was. But

> instead I continued to allow her to depend on me. At 18 I

> married a guy I barely knew which completely upset " the apple

> cart " . Oh the marriage didn't last long because I couldn't

> stand leaving her in tears knowing she would be all alone and

> that I would be 30 miles away. I really don't think I ever

> loved him anyway, it was just a chance to escape, but what

> ended up happening is that I escaped into a relationship with

> someone

> that was just as dependant on me for everything as my mom

> was. I only lived with him for 5 months, and when I left he

> threatened to kill himself if I didn't come back. I was so

> scared and only 18 that I went back. One night was all it

> took, because when I walked into the room with him sitting

> there holding a gun, I could only think about getting

> away. Which I did as soon as he fell asleep.

>

>To speed things up, I was at home for 7 years after that before

>marrying my high school sweetheart. My mom was instrumental in

>getting us back together (if you can believe that), but I think

>she thought at least I would be closer to home and she might be

>able to control my boyfriend better since she had been the one

>to bring us back together. That worked pretty good for her, in

>fact, so good that we ended up building a duplex

>together. Yes, I made the biggest mistake of my life when I

>suggested this to my then fiance and because I think he felt

>bad at the time for my mom, he agreed. They would live on one

>side and us on the other. The dream of happy ever after, never

>even got off the ground because when we came back from our 3

>day honeymoon, my mom was on the porch in a screaming arguement

>with my dad and then turned on me because we had been gone and

>left her all alone to " deal " with him. There has been a lot of

>discussion about loss

> of memory on this site recently and I admit to years that I

> can't remember details, but I can remember that day so clearly

> as if it was yesterday. The change in her eyes was evident

> and from then on until today, there have been signs of each

> description from the " Witch " to the " Hermit " to the " Queen "

> and it would almost seem to happen at times in the same day.

> So, until I was lucky enough to make a friend that saw the

> weird situation I described as " my life " and tell me something

> was wrong with my relationship with my mom, explain

> co-dependant to me for the first time, advise me to get in

> therapy and then subsequently when I did .... I finally had a

> name for the roller coaster ride I had been on since I could

> remember... that I was able to begin to attempt a change in my

> life. Now almost 29 yrs. later sometimes I feel like I

> haven't made any progress. There are times when I still try

> to make " sane out of crazy " like my therapist described my

> interactions 90% of the time with my mom. I am so glad to

> have found this group and hope that I can begin a new chapter

> with some support from you where I can stop being " the

> pleaser " to her at all costs to me and finally begin to live

> my life. Thank u in advance for listening. Please let me know

> if I am posting the correct way and if my first email has been

> seen or if this will be considered my first post.

--

Katrina