First Time

[Guest guest]

Greetings. I am a 27-year old male with a mother who is living with BPD. When I

became engaged to my fiance (now wife) last year, I broke off contact with her

entirely. This was initiated soon after I learned that my family would not

attend my wedding ceremony if my mother were present. After she learned about

the wedding, her condition worsened and she broke several of the boundaries I

thought that we had set up. It has been both a confusing and joyous year. I am

happily married, and I stand behind my decision. Mentally, I am a healthier

person.

My communicative silence is also an outgrowth of more and more infrequent

communications that I have had with relatives. In years past, I had fallen into

the trap of treating my family members 'equitably,' visiting my other relatives

only as often as I would visit my mother. This placed a serious strain on many

of my personal relationships. I found myself feeling as though I do not have

friends or support when I had not been in contact with them. I am only now

mending these bridges, re-gaining contact with many people that I have not

spoken with in years.

Even with these wobbly bridges, I have been lucky to have my fiancee (now wife)

and family as resources to lean on as I have made this important life

transition. But I am still changing. I have begun to reconsider whether the

bouts of guilty conscience that I experience are legitimate. I have also become

more attentive to how I may have snared others into feeling guilty. The most

difficult part of my experience is separating these two dimensions. I am at my

best when I recognize that I am unnecessarily dwelling on guilt I feel for

having made others feel guilty.

Because I have difficulty recognizing myself, it is often also hard to think of

who I am uniquely as a person. I have toyed with the idea of re-gaining contact,

but ultimately have deferred this decision. I am compelled to believe that it

would not be healthy at this point in my life. I have never consulted a support

group. I am, however, happy to know that there is a community that has

confronted similar circumstances and emerged whole.

I suppose my purpose in this post is to say hello. I hope that this inspires

hope, and feel welcomed by the hope others have shared on this list. Thank you

all.