Guest guest Posted August 11, 2012 Report Share Posted August 11, 2012 Greetings. I am a 27-year old male with a mother who is living with BPD. When I became engaged to my fiance (now wife) last year, I broke off contact with her entirely. This was initiated soon after I learned that my family would not attend my wedding ceremony if my mother were present. After she learned about the wedding, her condition worsened and she broke several of the boundaries I thought that we had set up. It has been both a confusing and joyous year. I am happily married, and I stand behind my decision. Mentally, I am a healthier person. My communicative silence is also an outgrowth of more and more infrequent communications that I have had with relatives. In years past, I had fallen into the trap of treating my family members 'equitably,' visiting my other relatives only as often as I would visit my mother. This placed a serious strain on many of my personal relationships. I found myself feeling as though I do not have friends or support when I had not been in contact with them. I am only now mending these bridges, re-gaining contact with many people that I have not spoken with in years. Even with these wobbly bridges, I have been lucky to have my fiancee (now wife) and family as resources to lean on as I have made this important life transition. But I am still changing. I have begun to reconsider whether the bouts of guilty conscience that I experience are legitimate. I have also become more attentive to how I may have snared others into feeling guilty. The most difficult part of my experience is separating these two dimensions. I am at my best when I recognize that I am unnecessarily dwelling on guilt I feel for having made others feel guilty. Because I have difficulty recognizing myself, it is often also hard to think of who I am uniquely as a person. I have toyed with the idea of re-gaining contact, but ultimately have deferred this decision. I am compelled to believe that it would not be healthy at this point in my life. I have never consulted a support group. I am, however, happy to know that there is a community that has confronted similar circumstances and emerged whole. I suppose my purpose in this post is to say hello. I hope that this inspires hope, and feel welcomed by the hope others have shared on this list. Thank you all. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 14, 2012 Report Share Posted August 14, 2012 congratulations first on your wedding and secondly on being able to set boundaries. Some of us still can't do it, because of guilt even though not doing so makes us miserable. You'll love this list, everyone has been exactly where you are and someone will have an idea of how to best handle whatever problem is at hand. ________________________________ To: WTOAdultChildren1 Sent: Saturday, August 11, 2012 8:03 PM Subject: First Time  Greetings. I am a 27-year old male with a mother who is living with BPD. When I became engaged to my fiance (now wife) last year, I broke off contact with her entirely. This was initiated soon after I learned that my family would not attend my wedding ceremony if my mother were present. After she learned about the wedding, her condition worsened and she broke several of the boundaries I thought that we had set up. It has been both a confusing and joyous year. I am happily married, and I stand behind my decision. Mentally, I am a healthier person. My communicative silence is also an outgrowth of more and more infrequent communications that I have had with relatives. In years past, I had fallen into the trap of treating my family members 'equitably,' visiting my other relatives only as often as I would visit my mother. This placed a serious strain on many of my personal relationships. I found myself feeling as though I do not have friends or support when I had not been in contact with them. I am only now mending these bridges, re-gaining contact with many people that I have not spoken with in years. Even with these wobbly bridges, I have been lucky to have my fiancee (now wife) and family as resources to lean on as I have made this important life transition. But I am still changing. I have begun to reconsider whether the bouts of guilty conscience that I experience are legitimate. I have also become more attentive to how I may have snared others into feeling guilty. The most difficult part of my experience is separating these two dimensions. I am at my best when I recognize that I am unnecessarily dwelling on guilt I feel for having made others feel guilty. Because I have difficulty recognizing myself, it is often also hard to think of who I am uniquely as a person. I have toyed with the idea of re-gaining contact, but ultimately have deferred this decision. I am compelled to believe that it would not be healthy at this point in my life. I have never consulted a support group. I am, however, happy to know that there is a community that has confronted similar circumstances and emerged whole. I suppose my purpose in this post is to say hello. I hope that this inspires hope, and feel welcomed by the hope others have shared on this list. Thank you all. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 14, 2012 Report Share Posted August 14, 2012 Welcome to the Group Ahallsby. Congratulations on your wedding/marriage! It sounds to me like you have taken some good, positive steps toward creating healthy adult boundaries with your personality disordered mother, and you're right, it is SO not easy. Also a great step: you are starting to reconnect with other family members who became estranged from you because of your mother's bpd behaviors. That is also very healthy and positive. And how wonderful that your wife's family are kind, more stable and mentally healthy and able to be an emotional support for you as a young couple just starting out. You're doing great! All I can suggest is that if you haven't already, it really helps to read about borderline pd and the effects that bpd can have on the child of a bpd parent. I personally recommend " Understanding The Borderline Mother " but there are other really good books available now. Many of them are now available at libraries; you can ask your library to order a book for you if they don't currently have it. Best wishes, -Annie > > Greetings. I am a 27-year old male with a mother who is living with BPD. When I became engaged to my fiance (now wife) last year, I broke off contact with her entirely. This was initiated soon after I learned that my family would not attend my wedding ceremony if my mother were present. After she learned about the wedding, her condition worsened and she broke several of the boundaries I thought that we had set up. It has been both a confusing and joyous year. I am happily married, and I stand behind my decision. Mentally, I am a healthier person. > > My communicative silence is also an outgrowth of more and more infrequent communications that I have had with relatives. In years past, I had fallen into the trap of treating my family members 'equitably,' visiting my other relatives only as often as I would visit my mother. This placed a serious strain on many of my personal relationships. I found myself feeling as though I do not have friends or support when I had not been in contact with them. I am only now mending these bridges, re-gaining contact with many people that I have not spoken with in years. > > Even with these wobbly bridges, I have been lucky to have my fiancee (now wife) and family as resources to lean on as I have made this important life transition. But I am still changing. I have begun to reconsider whether the bouts of guilty conscience that I experience are legitimate. I have also become more attentive to how I may have snared others into feeling guilty. The most difficult part of my experience is separating these two dimensions. I am at my best when I recognize that I am unnecessarily dwelling on guilt I feel for having made others feel guilty. > > Because I have difficulty recognizing myself, it is often also hard to think of who I am uniquely as a person. I have toyed with the idea of re-gaining contact, but ultimately have deferred this decision. I am compelled to believe that it would not be healthy at this point in my life. I have never consulted a support group. I am, however, happy to know that there is a community that has confronted similar circumstances and emerged whole. > > I suppose my purpose in this post is to say hello. I hope that this inspires hope, and feel welcomed by the hope others have shared on this list. Thank you all. > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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