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[Guest guest]

My mom is currently having one of her episodes and I feel helpless.

My mom is in her late 60s and is not diagnosed with anything -- but in doing

some research on my own, BPD seems the most likely issue. I guess I'll stick

with the term 'high-conflict' for now.

The really bad outbursts tend to last about 10-20 days (approx.) and almost

always come out when she is traveling. She oftentimes says that my dad is the

root of all of her problems, but they will go long periods together as a happy

couple. 

Mainly we (the family) deals with a lot of emotional blackmail, sobbing,

screaming, threats, unreasonable demands and 'splitting'. She has made

references to wanting to hurt herself as well. When she is going through one of

these episodes, she feels the whole world is against her -- other than anyone

who caters to her increasingly unreasonable demands, until they predictably

finally stop, at which point they are against her as well.

Is this normal BPD behavior? Specifically that the really intense symptoms /

intense mood swings / unreasonable demands tend to come in 2-3 week spurts, then

mostly pass?

This pattern has really become obvious in the past 2-3 years for me. It almost

always happens either when she is traveling (either alone or with my Dad) or my

Dad has to travel alone for business (and leave her). It seems to happen

intensely every 6-8 months.

I appreciate you all being here.

[Guest guest]

Hi Sonof,

Welcome to the Group.

The behaviors you describe sound a lot like my borderline pd mother, who was

formally diagnosed with bpd on two different occasions, by two different

therapists. (I didn't find out about the first diagnosis until much, much later

in my life.) I'm not a psychologist and only a psychologist can give a formal

diagnosis, but, I grew to realize that something was " off " about my mother's

behaviors as I reached middle age, and that it wasn't me causing my mother to

behave, think, and feel the way she did.

I wasn't " making " her scary, demanding, unpleasable, perfectionistic,

controlling, afraid of being alone, volatile, paranoid or delusional, it was

coming from inside her own brain/mind.

In the books " Stop Walking On Eggshells " and " Boundaries " and other similar

books, you can learn techniques for managing having a relationship with a person

with bpd. It is mostly about you deciding what behaviors of hers you can and

can't tolerate, really.

If you are interested in maintaining contact with your bpd parent/loved one,

then once you decide that you will no longer tolerate certain behaviors, such as

(for example) being cursed at, you can then learn how to set and maintain

boundaries with your bpd loved one.

Note: Boundaries are for YOU; a boundary is what you will do if your person with

bpd engages in an unacceptable behavior.

One way of setting a boundary is to say something like, " Mom, I can hear that

you are upset, but I won't listen to you when you scream at me and call me ugly

names. So, I'm going to hang up the phone now. We can try talking about this

subject again later when you are calmer. I'll call you again next week at the

regular time. 'Bye. "

So if you can remain calm and carry through with your boundary in a very

consistent way, your bpd mother most likely will learn, eventually, that acting

out does not get her what she wants: time with you. She will come to realize

that she will get more time with you if she can remain calm and rational.

" Understanding The Borderline Mother " helps the adult children of bpd mothers

learn:

" ...how to care for the waif without rescuing her, to attend to the hermit

without feeding her fear, to love the queen without becoming her subject, and to

live with the witch without becoming her victim. "

I hope that helps.

-Annie

>

> My mom is currently having one of her episodes and I feel helpless.

>

> My mom is in her late 60s and is not diagnosed with anything -- but in doing

some research on my own, BPD seems the most likely issue. I guess I'll stick

with the term 'high-conflict' for now.

>

> The really bad outbursts tend to last about 10-20 days (approx.) and almost

always come out when she is traveling. She oftentimes says that my dad is the

root of all of her problems, but they will go long periods together as a happy

couple. 

>

>

> Mainly we (the family) deals with a lot of emotional blackmail, sobbing,

screaming, threats, unreasonable demands and 'splitting'. She has made

references to wanting to hurt herself as well. When she is going through one of

these episodes, she feels the whole world is against her -- other than anyone

who caters to her increasingly unreasonable demands, until they predictably

finally stop, at which point they are against her as well.

>

> Is this normal BPD behavior? Specifically that the really intense symptoms /

intense mood swings / unreasonable demands tend to come in 2-3 week spurts, then

mostly pass?

>

> This pattern has really become obvious in the past 2-3 years for me. It almost

always happens either when she is traveling (either alone or with my Dad) or my

Dad has to travel alone for business (and leave her). It seems to happen

intensely every 6-8 months.

>

> I appreciate you all being here.

>

>

[Guest guest]

One note about effectively setting boundaries is that it's important to not

argue or try to reason with a BPD. they will never, never see your point of view

and trying to reason with or argue with them just engages them. It's like

arguing with a brick wall- you'll only end up frustrated. Like Annie said in her

post, if they refuse to listen or try to argue calmly say, " I'm sorry you feel

that way. I will not talk to you if you call me ugly names (or whatever the

boundary is). I'm hanging up now. " Then get off the phone ASAP. It's like

dealing with a child throwing a temper tantrum. You can't yell at them or reason

with them, you have to remain calm and stick to your guns. It's so hard, but it

gets a lot easier with practice.

Someone recently said in another post that the key to dealing with a BPD is to

realize/remember that they will never react and/or see things the way 99% of the

population would. You simply cannot reason with them.

> >

> > My mom is currently having one of her episodes and I feel helpless.

> >

> > My mom is in her late 60s and is not diagnosed with anything -- but in doing

some research on my own, BPD seems the most likely issue. I guess I'll stick

with the term 'high-conflict' for now.

> >

> > The really bad outbursts tend to last about 10-20 days (approx.) and almost

always come out when she is traveling. She oftentimes says that my dad is the

root of all of her problems, but they will go long periods together as a happy

couple. 

> >

> >

> > Mainly we (the family) deals with a lot of emotional blackmail, sobbing,

screaming, threats, unreasonable demands and 'splitting'. She has made

references to wanting to hurt herself as well. When she is going through one of

these episodes, she feels the whole world is against her -- other than anyone

who caters to her increasingly unreasonable demands, until they predictably

finally stop, at which point they are against her as well.

> >

> > Is this normal BPD behavior? Specifically that the really intense symptoms /

intense mood swings / unreasonable demands tend to come in 2-3 week spurts, then

mostly pass?

> >

> > This pattern has really become obvious in the past 2-3 years for me. It

almost always happens either when she is traveling (either alone or with my Dad)

or my Dad has to travel alone for business (and leave her). It seems to happen

intensely every 6-8 months.

> >

> > I appreciate you all being here.

> >

> >