Does it get better? Seriously!

August 17, 2012

Ok, I am on an emotional rollercoaster so this email might ramble a bit. Let me

start off with a random fact about me. I hate presents. I absolutely hate

them. I get presents only after I am verbally abused by my fada, or if my

parents want something from me. Well there are times I get them when my nada

wants to think she is the most wonderful mother on the entire freaking planet.

With gifts there are always sinister strings attached. I also hate gifts

because whatever I give my nada is not good enough. My nada loves gifts,

especially jewelry. The more expensive the better. When it's time to get her a

gift I have anxiety for days, I hate holidays, vacations, and birthdays…

anything that means I have to buy her a present. Every time I get her a gift

something goes terribly wrong.

I went on a day trip without her yesterday, and boy did that drive her crazy.

She tried to plan my entire trip for me and kept texting me wanting to know

where I was and what I was doing. I went to her favorite jeweler in town to

find her something and she already had every piece of her favorite collections.

(Fada is easy; buy him his favorite candy from the massive candy shop). I can't

buy nada candy or food because she is on yet another diet. I have absolutely no

clue what to get her and my anxiety is so high that I actually had a bad IBS

attack. I decided to get her one of those collectible pins from the Hard Rock

café, like she always brings me back. Ok crisis solved. Not really. I gave

fada his candy this morning… and I couldn't find Mom's present. I found it

while trying to get ready for work (yes, I was late for work) and almost forget

to give it to her before I left. So I ran and got it then she almost threw it

at me. She refused to believe I got it for her and refuses to even touch the

stupid thing. She is angry, hurt and oh so upset. I thought for sure she would

chew me a new one when I got home this evening, but she just drank herself

stupid and went to bed (being the martyr again). My fada even asked me to never

buy him another present ever again because nada obsessed about it and fought

with him all day about the stupid thing.

Part of me wonders since I always screw up with presents and I know how much

they mean to nada if I subconsciously screw things up. I am not allowed to feel

" negative " emotions in the house and I certainly cannot be angry at nada ever (I

was told by both my parents they could do anything they wanted to me, beat me if

they wanted to, because I was their daughter, but I could not do anything, much

less raise my voice to them in return). I wonder if this is my way to get back

at her. There is this part of me that truly hates my nada. I hate living here

in the house with them, no matter what I do it will never be good enough for

them, I am just a possession for them to show off or I am their emotional

punching bag. I don't even know who I am or what I like. I am thirty years

old, but I still feel like a teenager trying to figure the basics of life out.

Sometimes I wish I would just die and then maybe nada and my fada would be

happy.

I hate presents. I do not want anything to do with my parents and I feel like

there is something wicked and wrong with me. I am in therapy and I do have an

AA sponsor again. Is there ever a time when I will no longer feel like a

wicked, evil and flawed daughter? I truly feel like I will never escape this

house or my nada. Even if I can escape I will never escape her. Someone,

anyone, please just tell me it gets better. My therapist says it will, but it

doesn't feel like it right now.

Insanely yours,

S-J

August 17, 2012

S-J,

It can get better but it isn't going to do so on its own. I

think that what you need is to stop engaging in the same

patterns of behavior that lead to you feeling so terrible and

making you physically sick. As long as you allow the current

patterns to continue, they're going to keep making you feel just

as bad. You are not wicked or evil nor are you flawed in a way

that can't be mended. I see several things in your description

that I would never put up with. Why do you feel you have to buy

her something when you go on a day trip without her? It isn't

like you took a week long trip to some far-away foreign place

where she's never been and you wanted to bring her back a

special souvenir. If giving gifts is such a big problem, why not

stop doing it? She might be unhappy when you don't buy her

things but she's unhappy when you do buy her things. If she's

going to be unhappy either way you might as well save your money

and save yourself the stress of finding something for her then

giving it to her. I wouldn't worry that you're screwing up

subconsciously. I think it is more likely that they're simply

impossible to please. You're almost certainly right when you say

that no matter what you do, you'll never be good enough for

them. So stop trying to be who they want and start being who you

want.

BPD doesn't disappear and you can't change the way nadas and

fadas act. While you can't change them, you can change the way

you react to them. You can choose not to quietly put up with all

their bad behavior. You can choose to walk out or hang up or not

read text messages or e-mail from them. You can choose to say

" Let's not talk about that " or " I'm sorry, that's personal and I

don't want to talk about it " then change the subject. You can

choose to not give in to demands or to not buy gifts for people

who don't appreciate them. Since you're living with them, so I'd

recommend making it a priority to get out of there and find

another place to live. It is a lot easier to set and enforce

boundaries if they don't have power over you and living in their

house gives them power. Even living in their house you can

choose not to accept abuse from them though. Have you discussed

boundaries with your therapist at all? If not, maybe you should.

At 08:18 PM 08/17/2012 morganofthesea wrote:

>Ok, I am on an emotional rollercoaster so this email might

>ramble a bit. Let me start off with a random fact about me. I

>hate presents. I absolutely hate them. I get presents only

>after I am verbally abused by my fada, or if my parents want

>something from me. Well there are times I get them when my

>nada wants to think she is the most wonderful mother on the

>entire freaking planet. With gifts there are always sinister

>strings attached. I also hate gifts because whatever I give my

>nada is not good enough. My nada loves gifts, especially

>jewelry. The more expensive the better. When it's time to get

>her a gift I have anxiety for days, I hate holidays, vacations,

>and birthdays… anything that means I have to buy her a present.

>Every time I get her a gift something goes terribly wrong.

>

>I went on a day trip without her yesterday, and boy did that

>drive her crazy. She tried to plan my entire trip for me and

>kept texting me wanting to know where I was and what I was

>doing. I went to her favorite jeweler in town to find her

>something and she already had every piece of her favorite

>collections. (Fada is easy; buy him his favorite candy from

>the massive candy shop). I can't buy nada candy or food

>because she is on yet another diet. I have absolutely no clue

>what to get her and my anxiety is so high that I actually had a

>bad IBS attack. I decided to get her one of those collectible

>pins from the Hard Rock café, like she always brings me

>back. Ok crisis solved. Not really. I gave fada his candy

>this morning… and I couldn't find Mom's present. I found it

>while trying to get ready for work (yes, I was late for work)

>and almost forget to give it to her before I left. So I ran

>and got it then she almost threw it at me. She refused to

>believe I got it for her and refuses to even touch the stupid

>thing. She is angry, hurt and oh so upset. I thought for sure

>she would chew me a new one when I got home this evening, but

>she just drank herself stupid and went to bed (being the martyr

>again). My fada even asked me to never buy him another present

>ever again because nada obsessed about it and fought with him

>all day about the stupid thing.

>

>Part of me wonders since I always screw up with presents and I

>know how much they mean to nada if I subconsciously screw

>things up. I am not allowed to feel " negative " emotions in the

>house and I certainly cannot be angry at nada ever (I was told

>by both my parents they could do anything they wanted to me,

>beat me if they wanted to, because I was their daughter, but I

>could not do anything, much less raise my voice to them in

>return). I wonder if this is my way to get back at her. There

>is this part of me that truly hates my nada. I hate living

>here in the house with them, no matter what I do it will never

>be good enough for them, I am just a possession for them to

>show off or I am their emotional punching bag. I don't even

>know who I am or what I like. I am thirty years old, but I

>still feel like a teenager trying to figure the basics of life

>out. Sometimes I wish I would just die and then maybe nada and

>my fada would be happy.

>

>I hate presents. I do not want anything to do with my parents

>and I feel like there is something wicked and wrong with me. I

>am in therapy and I do have an AA sponsor again. Is there ever

>a time when I will no longer feel like a wicked, evil and

>flawed daughter? I truly feel like I will never escape this

>house or my nada. Even if I can escape I will never escape

>her. Someone, anyone, please just tell me it gets better. My

>therapist says it will, but it doesn't feel like it right now.

>

>Insanely yours,

> S-J

>

>------------------------------------

>

> **This group is based on principles in Randi Kreger's new

> book The Essential Family Guide to Borderline Personality

> Disorder: New Tips and Tools to Stop Walking on Eggshells,

> available at www.BPDCentral.com.** Problems? Write

> @.... DO NOT RESPOND ON THE LIST.

>

>To unsub from this list, send a blank email to

>WTOAdultChildren1-unsubscribe .

>

>Recommended: " Toxic Parents, " " Surviving a Borderline Parent, "

>and " Understanding the Borderline Mother " (hard to find)Yahoo!

>Groups Links

>

--

Katrina

August 18, 2012

Does the situation get better?? No. Can we, as individuals, get better? YES!!

I had to reach the point of being totally powerless over the BPD, and in

emotional pain, before I became willing to learn some new skills. Still have a

long way to go but I am having better days than I did in the past. I don't feel

alone anymore in this. I know what the problem is so I can find solutions. I

can help others by sharing what works for me and I can learn from others that

are ahead of me in this. All that gives me hope! I only wish I had know all

about this years and years ago.

> >Ok, I am on an emotional rollercoaster so this email might

> >ramble a bit. Let me start off with a random fact about me. I

> >hate presents. I absolutely hate them. I get presents only

> >after I am verbally abused by my fada, or if my parents want

> >something from me. Well there are times I get them when my

> >nada wants to think she is the most wonderful mother on the

> >entire freaking planet. With gifts there are always sinister

> >strings attached. I also hate gifts because whatever I give my

> >nada is not good enough. My nada loves gifts, especially

> >jewelry. The more expensive the better. When it's time to get

> >her a gift I have anxiety for days, I hate holidays, vacations,

> >and birthdays… anything that means I have to buy her a present.

> >Every time I get her a gift something goes terribly wrong.

> >

> >I went on a day trip without her yesterday, and boy did that

> >drive her crazy. She tried to plan my entire trip for me and

> >kept texting me wanting to know where I was and what I was

> >doing. I went to her favorite jeweler in town to find her

> >something and she already had every piece of her favorite

> >collections. (Fada is easy; buy him his favorite candy from

> >the massive candy shop). I can't buy nada candy or food

> >because she is on yet another diet. I have absolutely no clue

> >what to get her and my anxiety is so high that I actually had a

> >bad IBS attack. I decided to get her one of those collectible

> >pins from the Hard Rock café, like she always brings me

> >back. Ok crisis solved. Not really. I gave fada his candy

> >this morning… and I couldn't find Mom's present. I found it

> >while trying to get ready for work (yes, I was late for work)

> >and almost forget to give it to her before I left. So I ran

> >and got it then she almost threw it at me. She refused to

> >believe I got it for her and refuses to even touch the stupid

> >thing. She is angry, hurt and oh so upset. I thought for sure

> >she would chew me a new one when I got home this evening, but

> >she just drank herself stupid and went to bed (being the martyr

> >again). My fada even asked me to never buy him another present

> >ever again because nada obsessed about it and fought with him

> >all day about the stupid thing.

> >

> >Part of me wonders since I always screw up with presents and I

> >know how much they mean to nada if I subconsciously screw

> >things up. I am not allowed to feel " negative " emotions in the

> >house and I certainly cannot be angry at nada ever (I was told

> >by both my parents they could do anything they wanted to me,

> >beat me if they wanted to, because I was their daughter, but I

> >could not do anything, much less raise my voice to them in

> >return). I wonder if this is my way to get back at her. There

> >is this part of me that truly hates my nada. I hate living

> >here in the house with them, no matter what I do it will never

> >be good enough for them, I am just a possession for them to

> >show off or I am their emotional punching bag. I don't even

> >know who I am or what I like. I am thirty years old, but I

> >still feel like a teenager trying to figure the basics of life

> >out. Sometimes I wish I would just die and then maybe nada and

> >my fada would be happy.

> >

> >I hate presents. I do not want anything to do with my parents

> >and I feel like there is something wicked and wrong with me. I

> >am in therapy and I do have an AA sponsor again. Is there ever

> >a time when I will no longer feel like a wicked, evil and

> >flawed daughter? I truly feel like I will never escape this

> >house or my nada. Even if I can escape I will never escape

> >her. Someone, anyone, please just tell me it gets better. My

> >therapist says it will, but it doesn't feel like it right now.

> >

> >Insanely yours,

> > S-J

> >

> >------------------------------------

> >

> > **This group is based on principles in Randi Kreger's new

> > book The Essential Family Guide to Borderline Personality

> > Disorder: New Tips and Tools to Stop Walking on Eggshells,

> > available at www.BPDCentral.com.** Problems? Write

> > @... DO NOT RESPOND ON THE LIST.

> >

> >To unsub from this list, send a blank email to

> >WTOAdultChildren1-unsubscribe

> >

> >Recommended: " Toxic Parents, " " Surviving a Borderline Parent, "

> >and " Understanding the Borderline Mother " (hard to find)Yahoo!

> >Groups Links

> >

> --

> Katrina

>

August 18, 2012

Hi,

It does get better, but not before it gets worse. For me, that's what's been

happening. Since I've been in Therapy for a year now and have started realizing

all my Nada's behavior I've been putting boundaries between us and unfortunately

it's been hurting our relationship, but fortunately I'm healthier for it.

Keep going to therapy, keep working on yourself, and your reactions to her

behavior and things will get better.

If you can, move out of the house as soon as possible, even if you have to get a

roommate, it's ok. The sooner you start living your own life and having your

own freedom the more relaxed you'll feel and can really start focusing on

yourself and your life - which is normal.

I understand the gift thing because my nada does it too. She can never just be

thankful for the gift and the thought. If it's not exactly what she wanted or

likes then she freaks out and starts crying and screaming about how I or her

husband doesn't love her enough and that this present shows how little we care

for her. I once got my Nada earrings for Christmas, she opened them said they

were really pretty and then " Do you want them? " Apparently they were too big for

her ears, so I took them and wear them now. But her nonchalant attitude towards

it was just plain rude.

Every Holiday, Birthday, Mother's day, there is always a fight, sometimes over a

gift that wasn't good enough. I get stressed out when I have to buy my nada

something too.

I agree, that when you go on small day trips you don't need to get her anything.

You do not have to feel guilty about living your life either.

You are not doing this Subconsciously, you are not trying to be vindictive and

you are not evil. Her reaction to your thoughtful gift is rude and wrong. You

have to believe that her reaction is not normal. Think about another

relationship you have and what would happen if you gave that person a gift, how

would they react? Most people would be thankful and happy that you even thought

of them - that is the healthy reaction.

Your Nada's reactions and how she makes you feel so guilty for doing something

good is making you have low self esteem and you just have to try and turn that

around and realize you are not in the wrong here.

I understand how you feel, but you can do this and get through this and things

will get better eventually!

Good Luck.