Grateful to be here/Fleas

[Guest guest]

It is really something to read these posts that sound so much like echoes

from my own life. I'd never met anyone who struggled with a parent the way I

did and do with my mom.

Annie, this sounds so familiar:

" My nada offered apologies sometimes after she'd had a red-faced,

spittle-flying, screaming rage-tantrum at Sister or me and had terrified the

crap out of us, but her promises evaporated; she never was able to follow

through and stop herself from exploding with rage, or stop herself from smacking

us around, shredding us with emotional abuse or hitting us with the belt when

she'd trigger into another rage.

Nada had two main behaviors in the immediate aftermath of one of these rage

episodes; one was that Nada would break down into hysterical sobbing and beg us

to come to her, hug her and reassure her that we loved her. She'd promise that

she wouldn't do that to us again, even though claiming that we " made her " do it.

Our own pain, outrage, and real fear of her had to be stuffed down and ignored.

Both Sister and I learned really early in life that if we didn't go to her and

instead showed our fear of her or our own anger, our own hurt feelings, nada

could trigger right into ANOTHER RAGE right then and there.

Nada's other main behavior after such an explosive rage was to act as though

nothing at all had just happened. She'd leave us on the floor sobbing and

shaking and just walk away; she might even be all perky and cheerful, and start

singing. We were expected to also behave as though nothing had just happened and

we weren't upset, angry, or scared. "

As a result, I definitely seem to have the " fleas " others have mentioned

recently of thinking that I am worthless,and being *terrified* of speaking up

for myself for fear that I will make people angry. I tiptoe around everyone in

my life, afraid the slightest misstep could trigger explosives, even though with

the obvious exception of nada that isn't the case. But it cramps me.

, I get " spun up " like you described quite often, and in similar ways.

Today I didn't put sunscreen on at the beach because I didn't think I deserved

not to get burned. I am the mother of two, I can't act like this, but sometimes

my mind spirals out of control and I am that little girl again, hiding from the

rage.

Glad you are all there,

Leah