Don't know how many more family dinners I can tolerate..

[Guest guest]

I have always hosted family dinners which consist of me, my husband and our son,

and then my husband's parents and my NADA (who really doens't have any other

social outlet because she refuses)... She has gotten so bad at our family

dinners that she pretty much ruins everybody's time. All conversation has to go

back to her and her aches and pains, or what she can or cannot do because of her

physical limitations and she is so dramatic about everything. And she's gotten

so opinionated it's embarrasing! Nobody wants to have her around anymore and I

can't blame them. I dread every get together and have started having some

without her but can't do that often because I feel too guilty to exclude her.

How do you handle these situations?

Thanks!

Tori

[Guest guest]

Hi Tori,

I had to laugh reading your post (NOT because I'm laughing at you but b/c it

reminds me of my own nada). Whenever my nada comes over, that's what happens as

well.

The conversation turns to her pains, aches, what she went through with my

father's illness, the worst news story, etc. The WORST part, for me, is that

*as soon as* dinner is over, she grabs everyone's plates, starts washing,

hurrying people, and rushing dessert and coffee. My husband got really upset

with her last time.

My brother usually comes with her and he is a lingerer. He likes to chat over

coffee, enjoy the company, which is lovely. But she'll start telling him to cut

it short so he can walk her home.

it's maddening. My solution, basically, is I don't invite her over anymore,

unless it is for a holiday. That's it.

>

> I have always hosted family dinners which consist of me, my husband and our

son, and then my husband's parents and my NADA (who really doens't have any

other social outlet because she refuses)... She has gotten so bad at our family

dinners that she pretty much ruins everybody's time. All conversation has to go

back to her and her aches and pains, or what she can or cannot do because of her

physical limitations and she is so dramatic about everything. And she's gotten

so opinionated it's embarrasing! Nobody wants to have her around anymore and I

can't blame them. I dread every get together and have started having some

without her but can't do that often because I feel too guilty to exclude her.

>

> How do you handle these situations?

>

> Thanks!

> Tori

>

[Guest guest]

Ditto. The only person stopping your family dinners from being more peaceful is

you sweety!

Don't invite her. It will be more peaceful. Leave your guilt at the door!

Its hard the first few times you do it! But then you have a moment where you say

- " WOW! Why didn't I start doing this years ago! "

> >

> > I have always hosted family dinners which consist of me, my husband and our

son, and then my husband's parents and my NADA (who really doens't have any

other social outlet because she refuses)... She has gotten so bad at our family

dinners that she pretty much ruins everybody's time. All conversation has to go

back to her and her aches and pains, or what she can or cannot do because of her

physical limitations and she is so dramatic about everything. And she's gotten

so opinionated it's embarrasing! Nobody wants to have her around anymore and I

can't blame them. I dread every get together and have started having some

without her but can't do that often because I feel too guilty to exclude her.

> >

> > How do you handle these situations?

> >

> > Thanks!

> > Tori

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Hi Tori,

I agree with Fiona. I think you're already handling this the best way you can:

choosing to have separate family dinners so that you and your husband's parents

can have a pleasant evening together. Its sadly a component of this mental

illness that the person with bpd believes that the way they think, behave and

treat people is just fine, there's nothing wrong with them, and all their

problems are coming from outside their own self.

Also, I can hear in your post that you feel compassion for your nada, and that

shows you have a kind heart, but you can feel compassion or pity for her

without:

(a) feeling guilty about *her choice* to become isolated and friendless,

( feeling responsible for managing nada's feelings for her/keeping her happy

and entertained (You are NOT your mother's mommy, its not your job to arrange

" play dates " for her), or

© passively tolerating abusive behaviors from your nada.

Your nada is not bedridden and she has your brother in her life; your nada has

the ability to seek out people in her neighborhood or her religious group or

find groups in her area that meet up to share hobbies and interests, to make new

friends with. If your nada is miserably unhappy, anxious, bored, and/or

self-isolating and this distresses her, then she has the option and the ability

to seek out therapy for herself and learn ways to manage her unpleasant,

unwanted feelings.

What I want you to get out of my response, mostly, is that the guilt you are

feeling: that its somehow your responsibility to include your nada in your every

family activity, is misplaced guilt. Its inappropriate guilt. You did not make

your nada the way she is, you can't control her, you can't change her and you

can't cure her. She is the only one with the power to change herself, but she

has to want to.

You are not responsible or obligated to cater to her and indulge her when she is

nothing but abusive to you. It doesn't make you a bad person or a bad daughter

to decide that you don't want to tolerate her bad behavior nearly as often, any

longer. Establishing reasonable adult boundaries to protect yourself from ANY

abusive person or from an intrusive, demanding, controlling person doesn't make

YOU a bad person.

I personally think that your solution is excellent; you do have your mother over

sometimes, just her and sometimes your brother. You're simply choosing to not

inflict her bad behavior on your husband's parents. I think that's brilliant!

Please do not feel guilty about that, its your NADA who SHOULD be feeling

guilty, actually.

She's lucky that you and your husband are still willing to have her come over at

all, really.

I hope that helps.

-Annie

>

> Hi Tori,

>

> I had to laugh reading your post (NOT because I'm laughing at you but b/c it

reminds me of my own nada). Whenever my nada comes over, that's what happens as

well.

>

> The conversation turns to her pains, aches, what she went through with my

father's illness, the worst news story, etc. The WORST part, for me, is that

*as soon as* dinner is over, she grabs everyone's plates, starts washing,

hurrying people, and rushing dessert and coffee. My husband got really upset

with her last time.

>

> My brother usually comes with her and he is a lingerer. He likes to chat over

coffee, enjoy the company, which is lovely. But she'll start telling him to cut

it short so he can walk her home.

>

> it's maddening. My solution, basically, is I don't invite her over anymore,

unless it is for a holiday. That's it.

[Guest guest]

Tori,

Whose fault is it that she spends the entire meal talking about

her problems and causing drama? Whose fault is it that nobody

wants her around? Whose fault is it that you dread every get

together? Whose fault is it that she doesn't have any other

social outlet? I'm pretty sure the answer to all those questions

is that it is her fault. So why should you feel guilty if you

decide to do something about it?

I find that it is often helpful to pretend that you're hearing a

description of what is going on from someone else. If one of

your friends desribed having someone to dinner that acted that

way, what would you advise your friend? If the person acting

this way was someone other then your nada, would you keep

inviting her? Having given birth to you doesn't give her the

right to be obnoxious and abusive to you and everyone else at

your home.

At 08:06 AM 08/18/2012 jtadcock wrote:

>I have always hosted family dinners which consist of me, my

>husband and our son, and then my husband's parents and my NADA

>(who really doens't have any other social outlet because she

>refuses)... She has gotten so bad at our family dinners that

>she pretty much ruins everybody's time. All conversation has to

>go back to her and her aches and pains, or what she can or

>cannot do because of her physical limitations and she is so

>dramatic about everything. And she's gotten so opinionated

>it's embarrasing! Nobody wants to have her around anymore and I

>can't blame them. I dread every get together and have started

>having some without her but can't do that often because I feel

>too guilty to exclude her.

>

>How do you handle these situations?

>

>Thanks!

>Tori

--

Katrina

[Guest guest]

Thanks -- you are all correct about all of that being her fault. I just have to

get past the guilt I guess. Annie, your advice, as always, is right on target.

I can tell you have experienced all of this and you are always so very helpful

in putting things in perspective. The only thing that is a little different is

the brother you were referring to was from someone else's reply. The only

brother I had from my NADA passed away in 2000 (suicide), and I'm sorry to say

he was manic depressive. I look back now on my childhood dealing with a manic

depressive brother and a BPD mom, and it's a wonder I'm not worse off than I am.

I do have three half brothers from my Dad's side, with one of them being a

" picture perfect " brother, complete with the wonderful SIL who I love as if she

were my own sister and a perfect neice and nephew. This is my " dream family "

when I picture a great family gathering where everyone is " normal " and love and

respect each other's point of view and embrace our differences (political

differences) but we love it all! We laugh, joke around, cook, hang out until all

hours of the night... We plan the week between Christmas and New Year together

every year and a summer get together as well. As my son tells me lovingly " if it

wasn't for that side of my family, I'd be screwed! "

> >I have always hosted family dinners which consist of me, my

> >husband and our son, and then my husband's parents and my NADA

> >(who really doens't have any other social outlet because she

> >refuses)... She has gotten so bad at our family dinners that

> >she pretty much ruins everybody's time. All conversation has to

> >go back to her and her aches and pains, or what she can or

> >cannot do because of her physical limitations and she is so

> >dramatic about everything. And she's gotten so opinionated

> >it's embarrasing! Nobody wants to have her around anymore and I

> >can't blame them. I dread every get together and have started

> >having some without her but can't do that often because I feel

> >too guilty to exclude her.

> >

> >How do you handle these situations?

> >

> >Thanks!

> >Tori

>

> --

> Katrina

>

[Guest guest]

Hi jt,

Sorry about getting the posts mixed up RE your brother (who committed suicide);

that must have been pretty awful for you growing up with a manic-depressive

brother and a bpd mother. You must have a very resilient core to have survived

that.

But I'm so glad for you that your half-brother and his wife are such nice,

mentally healthy, sweet people, your families enjoy get-togethers and are able

to visit twice a year, that sounds just lovely! It doesn't get much better than

that, in my opinion!

-Annie

> > >I have always hosted family dinners which consist of me, my

> > >husband and our son, and then my husband's parents and my NADA

> > >(who really doens't have any other social outlet because she

> > >refuses)... She has gotten so bad at our family dinners that

> > >she pretty much ruins everybody's time. All conversation has to

> > >go back to her and her aches and pains, or what she can or

> > >cannot do because of her physical limitations and she is so

> > >dramatic about everything. And she's gotten so opinionated

> > >it's embarrasing! Nobody wants to have her around anymore and I

> > >can't blame them. I dread every get together and have started

> > >having some without her but can't do that often because I feel

> > >too guilty to exclude her.

> > >

> > >How do you handle these situations?

> > >

> > >Thanks!

> > >Tori

> >

> > --

> > Katrina

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Hi Annie,

No problem about the mix up, there's lots of scenarios floating around here,

hard to keep 'em all straight! Like I said, I always love reading your advice on

mine or anyone's posts! The sad part is I just assumed it was all normal

growing up...I didn't realize how dysfunctional things were until later. I

realized my brother's issues in his early 20's, he was 34 when he died. I lived

through too many nightmares with him to mention. I didn't realize my mom's

issues until just about 6 weeks ago. and now I look back and think how stupid of

me to have not been able to see it.

And yes, I TRULY cherish my relationship with my half-brother and his family!

We're planning our Orlando Universal trip after Christmas as we speak! I think

all the hardship I've been through with my mom and brother (and all the

dysfunctional relationships with her family), has made me appreciate the great

relationship with them so much more!

> > > >I have always hosted family dinners which consist of me, my

> > > >husband and our son, and then my husband's parents and my NADA

> > > >(who really doens't have any other social outlet because she

> > > >refuses)... She has gotten so bad at our family dinners that

> > > >she pretty much ruins everybody's time. All conversation has to

> > > >go back to her and her aches and pains, or what she can or

> > > >cannot do because of her physical limitations and she is so

> > > >dramatic about everything. And she's gotten so opinionated

> > > >it's embarrasing! Nobody wants to have her around anymore and I

> > > >can't blame them. I dread every get together and have started

> > > >having some without her but can't do that often because I feel

> > > >too guilty to exclude her.

> > > >

> > > >How do you handle these situations?

> > > >

> > > >Thanks!

> > > >Tori

> > >

> > > --

> > > Katrina

> > >

> >

>