I'm back! Gearing up for a 6 week visit from nada

August 18, 2012

Hi everyone!

I didn't drop off the planet. Did I miss anything huge?

I had my baby back in March so I'm just sort of getting back to normal with my

life with 2 kids. :-) I have missed you all and the wonderful support in this

group.

So my nada did indeed move to Guatemala about 4 weeks after my baby's birth. It

was a huge relief but I have struggled also with a deeper sense of abandonment

at the same time. Its been very revealing to me about a lot of things.

She hasn't been physically here to harass me and the unreliability of the phone

lines in that country is a plus ;-) but she has pretty much embraced her new

life there and ignores I exist now. Before, when she was in the states, she went

back and forth between extremes of harassing me with multiple phone calls per

day and unannounced visits to not contacting me at all for long periods of time.

Now she just never contacts me. I should be happy about that. I should be

ecstatic in fact! But strangely enough, it has been pretty hurtful and made me

realize that I still deeply desire for her to love me with a true parental love.

I have had to come face to face with my expectations of her and also accept that

the " love " I used to feel she gave me was not sincere. I've also had to give

myself talks before contacting her, telling myself - " You are going to write her

an update and send pictures of the kids. She is not going to respond. Expect her

to not care. Expect any response to be full of herself " . Its been difficult but

I feel I have grown so much stronger because of it.

So lucky me, she is coming to the states for the holidays! *YAY!* And she's

staying from Nov 29 through Jan 15. OH. MY. LAWD.

I'm gonna die. She's not staying here! But now I've got to deal with deciding

what I'm ok with as far as her being around us for the holidays. And I've got to

make that decision, be confident in it, and not look back. No guilt. Just decide

what is best for us.

SHE is the one that made the decision to move to South America. Not me. It is

not my fault that she is missing out on seeing her grandchildren grow up. I

refuse to listen to and believe her whining about how much she misses them and

me since she never ever ever emails or calls us. All things I have to remind

myself. I'm sure I'll be in here " hanging out " with all you folks and we will be

collectively pulling our hair out together as we wade through the murky waters

of holidays with BPD parents.

Love ya'll! :-)

August 18, 2012

Hi big sister!

Congrats on the new addition to your family! And it sounds like you have had a

really significant breakthrough in your understanding of your relationship with

your nada. That is really good, to gain that perspective, and accept that

reality that your nada " is the way she is " and probably will never change,

PLUS understanding that about yourself: that you still yearn to have that

normal mother-daughter relationship that we all wish we could have had. That's

a passle of insights!

Yes, best of luck to you and all KOs who will be navigating the turbulent waters

of Holiday Time with personality-disordered foo. (I think that's the KO version

of the Olympics, except that its every year.)

-Annie

>

> Hi everyone!

>

> I didn't drop off the planet. Did I miss anything huge?

> I had my baby back in March so I'm just sort of getting back to normal with my

life with 2 kids. :-) I have missed you all and the wonderful support in this

group.

>

> So my nada did indeed move to Guatemala about 4 weeks after my baby's birth.

It was a huge relief but I have struggled also with a deeper sense of

abandonment at the same time. Its been very revealing to me about a lot of

things.

>

> She hasn't been physically here to harass me and the unreliability of the

phone lines in that country is a plus ;-) but she has pretty much embraced her

new life there and ignores I exist now. Before, when she was in the states, she

went back and forth between extremes of harassing me with multiple phone calls

per day and unannounced visits to not contacting me at all for long periods of

time.

>

> Now she just never contacts me. I should be happy about that. I should be

ecstatic in fact! But strangely enough, it has been pretty hurtful and made me

realize that I still deeply desire for her to love me with a true parental love.

I have had to come face to face with my expectations of her and also accept that

the " love " I used to feel she gave me was not sincere. I've also had to give

myself talks before contacting her, telling myself - " You are going to write her

an update and send pictures of the kids. She is not going to respond. Expect her

to not care. Expect any response to be full of herself " . Its been difficult but

I feel I have grown so much stronger because of it.

>

> So lucky me, she is coming to the states for the holidays! *YAY!* And she's

staying from Nov 29 through Jan 15. OH. MY. LAWD.

>

> I'm gonna die. She's not staying here! But now I've got to deal with deciding

what I'm ok with as far as her being around us for the holidays. And I've got to

make that decision, be confident in it, and not look back. No guilt. Just decide

what is best for us.

> SHE is the one that made the decision to move to South America. Not me. It is

not my fault that she is missing out on seeing her grandchildren grow up. I

refuse to listen to and believe her whining about how much she misses them and

me since she never ever ever emails or calls us. All things I have to remind

myself. I'm sure I'll be in here " hanging out " with all you folks and we will be

collectively pulling our hair out together as we wade through the murky waters

of holidays with BPD parents.

>

> Love ya'll! :-)

>

August 19, 2012

Hey Big Sis! Welcome back and CONGRATS on your new baby!! How are you feeling?

As for your upcoming holidays, wow, they sound like they will definitely stretch

your boundaries muscle. The silver lining is...nada won't be staying with you

and will be leaving after her visit.

I think I can understand your abandonment feelings; I just haven't had the

opportunity to know what that's like since my nada has never stopped calling me!

I definitely do know the feeling of wishing my mother were more supportive and

affirming of me as a person and a mother. But that's not happening and I'm not

holding my breath.

Congrats again! Enjoy your baby.

Fiona