Stuck between a rock and a hard place

August 16, 2012

Hey. My mom has BPD, but immediately switches therapists anytime they do

anything that might challenge her. Thing is that I've grown up, moved halfway

across the country, made a new life for myself, and received lots of therapy.

My mom is mad at me (again) and saying the most hurtful things possible. I

tried talking to my dad (they're somehow still married), but she monitors all

the phone calls and reads all his e-mails. I'm so hurt and frustrated that I

just want to give up and never talk to them again. The problem is that I'm

graduating from graduate school this fall, working on getting a new job, and

about to be engaged. I want them (or at least my dad) to be a part of all this,

but the mere thought of dealing with my mom (who somehow makes every important

event about her) sickens me. I feel that once again I should forgive and

forget, keep the peace, etc. because they're my parents. Then I want to scream

that this is my life and my important moments. I'm so conflicted anyone know

what to do? I don't know what to do about the situation or how to cope with

these intense conflicting feelings.

August 19, 2012

Hi -

This deserves a long response that I don't have time to type at the moment

But I wanted to make one quick suggestion. Is there any way you could

manage to chat with your father without your mother being around, or would

he not go for that? The easiest way to do it would be to take him out for

coffee without her the next time you're in their area, but if you're not

going to be in their area, does she have some regular weekly commitment she

goes to that he doesn't, when you could arrange to have a private talk with

him on the phone? Email is obviously out as it leaves a trail she can

intrude on at any time if he's not willing to restrict her access to his

email.

It seems to me that you need to be sure here that your Dad understands

that most (all?) of your concerns are with your mother's behavior and not

with his, so that you can make it clear to him that any defensive moves you

might make to protect your boundaries from her, that might inevitably cut

him off from you as well, are not actually directed at him and that you

genuinely want a good relationship with him. You might not be ABLE to

avoid making him collateral damage in your struggle with your mother if he

isn't willing to consider have a relationship with you that is entirely

separate from your relationship with your mother, but I think it's

important that you make it clear to him that you ARE open to such a

relationship and desire one. Then the decision whether to maintain a

relationship with you that is not a relationship with " your parents as a

unit " is pretty much up to him.

Depending on how enmeshed/afraid/enabling he is of her bad behaviors, he

may not be open to this. His attitude may be " your mother and I are a unit

and you can't deal with us as separate individuals, I won't allow it. " But

you need to make it clear to him what you want and to what extent (if any)

you are able to bear with dealing with your mother in order to continue to

have a relationship with your father. A lot of that is going to rest on

your father and what his needs and desires in the situation (beyond a

likely unrealistic desire to have everyone just get along well so you can

function as a normal family.)

Essentially you have to weigh the needs and desires of two people here --

you and your Dad, leaving your mother out of the picture. You want to have

your Dad around, but you don't want to have your Mom around too,

necessarily. You need to find out what HE wants and is willing to accept.

Depending on exactly how bad your relationship is with your Mom, he might

be willing to accept a compromise of " Dad, I want you around, and I know

you don't want Mom left alone, but Mom and I drive each other crazy and you

know it. Can I have some time alone with you if I agree to try and be

pleasant for a few short visits with you and Mom together? " Essentially,

what's the maximum amount of separation from his wife is he willing to

create in order to maintain a relationship with his daughter?

In an ideal situation (well, ideal given your mother's problems), your Dad

would be able and willing to see his relationship with you as entirely

separate from his relationship with his wife, but it almost never works out

that way unless your parents got divorced. I've no doubt your Dad wants to

keep peace with his wife and keep the family " together " , but depending on

where you decide to draw your boundaries here (Zero Mom, very little Mom,

Mom only when Dad is there too, or whatever you need for your own sanity)

he isn't going to get his wish, and the question remains whether or not he

is willing to take half a loaf as better than none, or whether he's going

to go rigid and claim that he can't have a relationship with you that

doesn't include your mother as well.

Anyway, the FIRST thing you need to do is sound him out when your mother IS

NOT AROUND, however you can arrange that, so the both of you can speak

freely. (And leave no record behind she can get at to later use as ammo

against either of you.) That will give you an idea of where he stands in

the tug-of-war between you and your Mom, and give you a chance to tell him

how much you want a relationship with him that doesn't necessarily require

your Mom around as well.

Hm, that wasn't nearly as short as I intended. [?]

Anyway -- you need to open a secure channel with your Dad first of all.

Once you get a feel for where he stands without your Mom looking over his

shoulder, you'll have a better idea of how to proceed and what your options

are.

Good luck!

- Jen H.

> **

>

> Hey. My mom has BPD, but immediately switches therapists anytime they do

> anything that might challenge her. Thing is that I've grown up, moved

> halfway across the country, made a new life for myself, and received lots

> of therapy. My mom is mad at me (again) and saying the most hurtful things

> possible. I tried talking to my dad (they're somehow still married), but

> she monitors all the phone calls and reads all his e-mails. I'm so hurt and

> frustrated that I just want to give up and never talk to them again. The

> problem is that I'm graduating from graduate school this fall, working on

> getting a new job, and about to be engaged. I want them (or at least my

> dad) to be a part of all this, but the mere thought of dealing with my mom

> (who somehow makes every important event about her) sickens me. I feel that

> once again I should forgive and forget, keep the peace, etc. because

> they're my parents. Then I want to scream that this is my life and my

> important moments. I'm so conflicted anyone know what to do? I don't know

> what to do about the situation or how to cope with these intense

> conflicting feelings.

>

August 20, 2012

There is some wonderful things coming up in your life!! This is certainly a

time for you to celebrate and be proud of all you have done!! Do you think you

could have two celebrations? One could be for your parents and whoever, while

the other one could be just for you and those that will celebrate the beautiful

things going on with you. You don't have to tell your parents what you are

doing.

I can understand how torn you feel but certainly you can put yourself as a

priority in your life right now. This is good time to make fantastic memories

that you will cherish forever! I wouldn't want to loose the moment. It only

comes around once in a lifetime.

>

> > **

> >

> > Hey. My mom has BPD, but immediately switches therapists anytime they do

> > anything that might challenge her. Thing is that I've grown up, moved

> > halfway across the country, made a new life for myself, and received lots

> > of therapy. My mom is mad at me (again) and saying the most hurtful things

> > possible. I tried talking to my dad (they're somehow still married), but

> > she monitors all the phone calls and reads all his e-mails. I'm so hurt and

> > frustrated that I just want to give up and never talk to them again. The

> > problem is that I'm graduating from graduate school this fall, working on

> > getting a new job, and about to be engaged. I want them (or at least my

> > dad) to be a part of all this, but the mere thought of dealing with my mom

> > (who somehow makes every important event about her) sickens me. I feel that

> > once again I should forgive and forget, keep the peace, etc. because

> > they're my parents. Then I want to scream that this is my life and my

> > important moments. I'm so conflicted anyone know what to do? I don't know

> > what to do about the situation or how to cope with these intense

> > conflicting feelings.

> >

>

August 23, 2012

Update:

My mom called the next morning and acted like nothing was wrong. When I

attempted to bring it up I got a quick " sorry " and the matter was dropped. As

for talking to my dad alone everything has been put on hold because mom is

'sick' yet again and so everyone is expected to rally around her. My dad

staunchly believes in his marriage vows and will take her side no matter what.

According to them everything is fine so once again I feel like I have had to

stuff down my feelings and go along with it. Thanks for the advice and support.

I've realized that just because she demands info about every detail of my life I

don't have to give it to her. I also really like the idea of celebrating these

important moments in my own way with the people that I care about. It's nice to

know that there is support out there and people who have been where I have been.

I can't thank all of you enough for the advice.

> >

> > > **

> > >

> > > Hey. My mom has BPD, but immediately switches therapists anytime they do

> > > anything that might challenge her. Thing is that I've grown up, moved

> > > halfway across the country, made a new life for myself, and received lots

> > > of therapy. My mom is mad at me (again) and saying the most hurtful things

> > > possible. I tried talking to my dad (they're somehow still married), but

> > > she monitors all the phone calls and reads all his e-mails. I'm so hurt

and

> > > frustrated that I just want to give up and never talk to them again. The

> > > problem is that I'm graduating from graduate school this fall, working on

> > > getting a new job, and about to be engaged. I want them (or at least my

> > > dad) to be a part of all this, but the mere thought of dealing with my mom

> > > (who somehow makes every important event about her) sickens me. I feel

that

> > > once again I should forgive and forget, keep the peace, etc. because

> > > they're my parents. Then I want to scream that this is my life and my

> > > important moments. I'm so conflicted anyone know what to do? I don't know

> > > what to do about the situation or how to cope with these intense

> > > conflicting feelings.

> > >

> >

August 23, 2012

Hi ,

It's so wonderful that so many great things are happening in your life.

Congratulations on your upcoming wedding and graduate school.

And congratulations on distancing yourself from your FOO.

I was in this kind of situation 23 years ago when I met my husband-to-be,

was in therapy, and FOO was out of control. Â I had two BPD parents, and

fada was terminally ill.

It was such a difficult time and yet my marriage-to-be was a happy time.

My therapy was traditional and spiritual. Â

I had to protect my husband-to-be from my BPD FOO.

And what happened was that my husband and I eloped. Â It was a very

intimate church wedding and we had two friends help us.

Nada disowned me for three months. Â It was worth it.

The pastor who married us said: Â " Some families add something....and

some families addÂ something else. " Â

I never regretted getting married this way and was grateful not to

have FOO ruin my wedding day or my newly wedded life. Â

During my marriage I kept nada at a distance and did not even talk to her

for a few years. Â It was the way that it had to be. Â The last time I saw her

she tried to ruin my marriage by trying to turn my husband against me.

We left.

All the great stuff happening in your life is sacred and beautiful and you

deserve to protect it and embrace it.

Good luck talking to your father. Â You can say what you need to say.

But don't expect miracles. Â At least you make peace with yourself.

What I have done in the past is to " bless them and send them on their way " .

But now I have to deal with nada again. Â

Best Wishes,

-Lula

________________________________

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Sent: Thursday, August 23, 2012 12:09 AM

Subject: Re: Stuck between a rock and a hard place

Â