Guest guest Posted August 20, 2012 Report Share Posted August 20, 2012 MDG2101- As I read your post, I thought of an injury. Immediately after an accident you may not feel the discomfort but the pain, stiffness, bruising can come later. It hurts while the body is healing but afterwards when the bruising subsides and the muscles relax and the pain lessen you feel much better. While going through the aftermath you have to make adjustments. You may even have a " new normal " because of the injury. But as you heal you do become better. I applaud you for starting to make the changes needed to heal yourself. You are going through many of life's major upheavals. I would suggest keep surrounding yourself with great friends, find a good therapist that you connect with as it can help put all of that you are going through in perspective as well as help you identify your patterns that are a result of growing up with a BPD Nada and a SPD FADA. Hopefully, you can find hobbies or health habits that help you to relax and release stress/tension. Take good care, MyReality67 > > It's now been over a year since I went NC with my uBPD hermit mom and her family. I finally started confronting my demonS and not let her continue to step on me, so when she said something terrible to me a year ago I insisted she apologize, which she has never before done in her life. Instead of apologizing she sent me a four page hate missive about every delusional imagined slight I've ever " committed " against her. I refused to engage, and now it's been more than a year since I've heard from her, enabling Schizoid PD dad, or uBPD hermit grandma, uBPD queen aunt or uBPD waif aunt. (ive never met any of the members of my father's family because his disorder causes him to detach, so there's no one to turn to there) in the meantime I got divorced from my DD2's abusive uBPD queen dad and am in custody disputes trying to protect her, and lost my job. Anyone else going through these circumstances would have the support of their families, but not me. BPD has had an utterly devastating impact on my life. > > I have a beautiful daughter, great friends and a great new partner, so i am overall grateful for my life, but today I am sad. > > Thanks in advance for any words of support or wisdom, this board has been a source of great strength for me over the past year as I come to terms with the devastating aftermath of growing up surrounded by BPD. > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 20, 2012 Report Share Posted August 20, 2012 (((((mdg))))) You must have a very strong core of resilience, to be withstanding the stress that your bpd ex is throwing at you coupled with the lack of support by your personality-disordered family of origin. I agree, it can be truly devastating to have those with pds in your life, but you are standing strong for your daughter's sake, with the help of your partner and friends. Kudos to you, you are a survivor and you will survive this time and this situation also. -Annie > > It's now been over a year since I went NC with my uBPD hermit mom and her family. I finally started confronting my demonS and not let her continue to step on me, so when she said something terrible to me a year ago I insisted she apologize, which she has never before done in her life. Instead of apologizing she sent me a four page hate missive about every delusional imagined slight I've ever " committed " against her. I refused to engage, and now it's been more than a year since I've heard from her, enabling Schizoid PD dad, or uBPD hermit grandma, uBPD queen aunt or uBPD waif aunt. (ive never met any of the members of my father's family because his disorder causes him to detach, so there's no one to turn to there) in the meantime I got divorced from my DD2's abusive uBPD queen dad and am in custody disputes trying to protect her, and lost my job. Anyone else going through these circumstances would have the support of their families, but not me. BPD has had an utterly devastating impact on my life. > > I have a beautiful daughter, great friends and a great new partner, so i am overall grateful for my life, but today I am sad. > > Thanks in advance for any words of support or wisdom, this board has been a source of great strength for me over the past year as I come to terms with the devastating aftermath of growing up surrounded by BPD. > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 21, 2012 Report Share Posted August 21, 2012 HA! Can relate to getting a four page hate missive instead of an apology!! Can also relate to grieving the loss of family and having a nuturing mother. It is really sad for all of us and I am not trying to stay on the pity pot, just facing facts and feelings. I certainly don't think this is how God intended it to be in our lives. I can understand where you are at. Not that it will cheer you up, but know you are not alone!! ((((mdg2101)))))----->email hugs > > It's now been over a year since I went NC with my uBPD hermit mom and her family. I finally started confronting my demonS and not let her continue to step on me, so when she said something terrible to me a year ago I insisted she apologize, which she has never before done in her life. Instead of apologizing she sent me a four page hate missive about every delusional imagined slight I've ever " committed " against her. I refused to engage, and now it's been more than a year since I've heard from her, enabling Schizoid PD dad, or uBPD hermit grandma, uBPD queen aunt or uBPD waif aunt. (ive never met any of the members of my father's family because his disorder causes him to detach, so there's no one to turn to there) in the meantime I got divorced from my DD2's abusive uBPD queen dad and am in custody disputes trying to protect her, and lost my job. Anyone else going through these circumstances would have the support of their families, but not me. BPD has had an utterly devastating impact on my life. > > I have a beautiful daughter, great friends and a great new partner, so i am overall grateful for my life, but today I am sad. > > Thanks in advance for any words of support or wisdom, this board has been a source of great strength for me over the past year as I come to terms with the devastating aftermath of growing up surrounded by BPD. > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 21, 2012 Report Share Posted August 21, 2012 Thanks Annie and Myreality. Being a mother myself now I find it impossible to fathom how my mother could love me so little that she would go over a year without speaking to me or my infant daughter rather than suffer the indignity of actually apologizing for her nasty behavior. I can't begin to understand how she can say hateful things to me, never once say a loving thing- never " I'm proud of you " or " you are special " or " you are smart " or " you are pretty " . Never once shown an interest in my interests or accomplishments. She would not be able to name the college or graduate schools I attended, the degrees I got, where I worked when I was working, or a single one of my friends. Always about her or her mother, always " you don't love me because you think I'm not pretty/smart enough for you " - (I guess indirectly through projection of what she erronesously thinks I think of her she is saying I am pretty/smart!) 8P By telling me constantly through her actions how worthless I was, she brought me into this world to be stepped on and taken advantage of not only by her but by everyone else too. Of course my predator BPD ex-husband just licked his lips at the prospect of a damaged woman with no self worth who would work 15 hours a day to support him financially and who would cater to his every demented sexual whim. My mother thought that by having me taught intellectual skills (which was my father's domain, she mostly avoided personal contact with my brother and me- she also has avoidant PD) that she was satisfying the parenting requirement. That is certainly what's visible by society, which is the only thing that mattered to her. With physical and emotional abuse she did her best to destroy the core of my emotional health and self-worth so that I would always behave well in public. I resolved myself early in life to never ever express a need, because you never knew when asking for water or wanting to play with a toy would result in a beating. When he was young my brother would actually lose bowel control in terror of her, and then she'd beat him with a belt for messing up his pants. I feel very sad for the little girl who never had a mother (or father, because he was and still is a schizoid enabler who would never in a million years stand up to her even if it meant watching her beat the daylights emotionally and physically out of my brother and me). I feel sad for the little girl who has always known that there was no one on this earth to protect her other than herself, who knew that the closet was the safest place to cry because if she got caught crying over how her mother hated her, she'd get beat harder. I am very focused on doing what I need to do to love and protect my daughter, to teach her that she is worthy and loved, but at times facing the reality that my mother does not love me enough to get help for her myriad of mental illnesses, or to even one time in her life say " I'm sorry " is so hard to bear. Before I went no contact my mother wouldn't even come to visit me when I was bed-ridden even though she lives locally. She just doesn't care about anyone but herself and the BPD mother who she has spent her whole life trying to please. I would (and am in the process of doing it!) go to the ends of the earth to protect my daughter from harm and to help her develop into the happy, well-adjusted, smart, beautiful, loving girl that she innately is. When my daughter was born I felt immediate, incredible, all-powerful love- I realized that the denial I was living in would impair her dramatically, so I faced my demons. I have read every book on BPD, on raising an emotionally intelligent child, on general parenting and every other matter of self help that I could get my hands on. I began going to therapy twice a week, started yoga and meditation classes, got on this amazing board and am working with a number of spiritual healers. I am lucky that I am able to do these things but they are not fun- making sense of all the trauma I survived SUCKS but it is the only way to get back to emotional wholeness, which is in turn the only way to be a good, loving parent who can provide safety and caring for an innocent child! In stark contrast, my mother threw me to the wolves and then claimed to the world what a great mother she is and what an ingrate I am. The pain cuts so deep. It is not fair. Thank you for listening. Sometimes it helps me a lot just to get it out. I know you have all been through it too so you understand. > > > > It's now been over a year since I went NC with my uBPD hermit mom and her family. I finally started confronting my demonS and not let her continue to step on me, so when she said something terrible to me a year ago I insisted she apologize, which she has never before done in her life. Instead of apologizing she sent me a four page hate missive about every delusional imagined slight I've ever " committed " against her. I refused to engage, and now it's been more than a year since I've heard from her, enabling Schizoid PD dad, or uBPD hermit grandma, uBPD queen aunt or uBPD waif aunt. (ive never met any of the members of my father's family because his disorder causes him to detach, so there's no one to turn to there) in the meantime I got divorced from my DD2's abusive uBPD queen dad and am in custody disputes trying to protect her, and lost my job. Anyone else going through these circumstances would have the support of their families, but not me. BPD has had an utterly devastating impact on my life. > > > > I have a beautiful daughter, great friends and a great new partner, so i am overall grateful for my life, but today I am sad. > > > > Thanks in advance for any words of support or wisdom, this board has been a source of great strength for me over the past year as I come to terms with the devastating aftermath of growing up surrounded by BPD. > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 21, 2012 Report Share Posted August 21, 2012 You said " but at times facing the reality that my mother does not love me enough to get help for her myriad of mental illnesses, or to even one time in her life say " I'm sorry " is so hard to bear. " I think it would help to look at this a bit differently. I don't think it is a matter of our nadas not loving us enough to get help or say they're sorry. I think they're incapable of loving. They can't choose to love us because the whole idea of love is incompatible with the way their brains work. Love requires caring about someone else to the extent that you'll make sacrifices and put the other person's wants and needs above your own. Our nadas just don't understand that concept. Beyond that, they don't get help because they don't understand that anything is wrong with them. That's not about them not loving us. Our nadas' actions are about them, not about us. If you see it that way, it becomes a lot less personal and thus easier to bear. At least that's my experience. At 11:19 AM 08/21/2012 mdg2101 wrote: >Thanks Annie and Myreality. Being a mother myself now I find it >impossible to fathom how my mother could love me so little that >she would go over a year without speaking to me or my infant >daughter rather than suffer the indignity of actually >apologizing for her nasty behavior. I can't begin to understand >how she can say hateful things to me, never once say a loving >thing- never " I'm proud of you " or " you are special " or " you >are smart " or " you are pretty " . Never once shown an interest in >my interests or accomplishments. She would not be able to name >the college or graduate schools I attended, the degrees I got, >where I worked when I was working, or a single one of my >friends. Always about her or her mother, always " you don't love >me because you think I'm not pretty/smart enough for you " - (I >guess indirectly through projection of what she erronesously >thinks I think of her she is saying I am pretty/smart!) 8P > >By telling me constantly through her actions how worthless I >was, she brought me into this world to be stepped on and taken >advantage of not only by her but by everyone else too. Of >course my predator BPD ex-husband just licked his lips at the >prospect of a damaged woman with no self worth who would work >15 hours a day to support him financially and who would cater >to his every demented sexual whim. > >My mother thought that by having me taught intellectual skills >(which was my father's domain, she mostly avoided personal >contact with my brother and me- she also has avoidant PD) that >she was satisfying the parenting requirement. That is certainly >what's visible by society, which is the only thing that >mattered to her. With physical and emotional abuse she did her >best to destroy the core of my emotional health and self-worth >so that I would always behave well in public. I resolved myself >early in life to never ever express a need, because you never >knew when asking for water or wanting to play with a toy would >result in a beating. When he was young my brother would >actually lose bowel control in terror of her, and then she'd >beat him with a belt for messing up his pants. > >I feel very sad for the little girl who never had a mother (or >father, because he was and still is a schizoid enabler who >would never in a million years stand up to her even if it meant >watching her beat the daylights emotionally and physically out >of my brother and me). I feel sad for the little girl who has >always known that there was no one on this earth to protect her >other than herself, who knew that the closet was the safest >place to cry because if she got caught crying over how her >mother hated her, she'd get beat harder. > >I am very focused on doing what I need to do to love and >protect my daughter, to teach her that she is worthy and loved, >but at times facing the reality that my mother does not love me >enough to get help for her myriad of mental illnesses, or to >even one time in her life say " I'm sorry " is so hard to bear. >Before I went no contact my mother wouldn't even come to visit >me when I was bed-ridden even though she lives locally. She >just doesn't care about anyone but herself and the BPD mother >who she has spent her whole life trying to please. > >I would (and am in the process of doing it!) go to the ends of >the earth to protect my daughter from harm and to help her >develop into the happy, well-adjusted, smart, beautiful, loving >girl that she innately is. When my daughter was born I felt >immediate, incredible, all-powerful love- I realized that the >denial I was living in would impair her dramatically, so I >faced my demons. I have read every book on BPD, on raising an >emotionally intelligent child, on general parenting and every >other matter of self help that I could get my hands on. I began >going to therapy twice a week, started yoga and meditation >classes, got on this amazing board and am working with a number >of spiritual healers. I am lucky that I am able to do these >things but they are not fun- making sense of all the trauma I >survived SUCKS but it is the only way to get back to emotional >wholeness, which is in turn the only way to be a good, loving >parent who can provide safety and caring for an innocent >child! > >In stark contrast, my mother threw me to the wolves and then >claimed to the world what a great mother she is and what an >ingrate I am. > >The pain cuts so deep. It is not fair. > >Thank you for listening. Sometimes it helps me a lot just to >get it out. I know you have all been through it too so you >understand. > > > -- Katrina Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 21, 2012 Report Share Posted August 21, 2012 Thanks Katrina and TomandFran. It really helps to feel less alone. Also I know what you mean Katrina, I am able to keep that perspective most of the time, and it is much healthier to think that way. I know my parents did the best they knew how to do, they were just very limited. I am lucky and so is my daughter that somehow growing up in the emotional dessert I found enough emotional water to be the full and resilient cactus I am today!! (of course with the needles filed down so I can cuddle with my little girl!) Thanks for the words of encouragement. > >Thanks Annie and Myreality. Being a mother myself now I find it > >impossible to fathom how my mother could love me so little that > >she would go over a year without speaking to me or my infant > >daughter rather than suffer the indignity of actually > >apologizing for her nasty behavior. I can't begin to understand > >how she can say hateful things to me, never once say a loving > >thing- never " I'm proud of you " or " you are special " or " you > >are smart " or " you are pretty " . Never once shown an interest in > >my interests or accomplishments. She would not be able to name > >the college or graduate schools I attended, the degrees I got, > >where I worked when I was working, or a single one of my > >friends. Always about her or her mother, always " you don't love > >me because you think I'm not pretty/smart enough for you " - (I > >guess indirectly through projection of what she erronesously > >thinks I think of her she is saying I am pretty/smart!) 8P > > > >By telling me constantly through her actions how worthless I > >was, she brought me into this world to be stepped on and taken > >advantage of not only by her but by everyone else too. Of > >course my predator BPD ex-husband just licked his lips at the > >prospect of a damaged woman with no self worth who would work > >15 hours a day to support him financially and who would cater > >to his every demented sexual whim. > > > >My mother thought that by having me taught intellectual skills > >(which was my father's domain, she mostly avoided personal > >contact with my brother and me- she also has avoidant PD) that > >she was satisfying the parenting requirement. That is certainly > >what's visible by society, which is the only thing that > >mattered to her. With physical and emotional abuse she did her > >best to destroy the core of my emotional health and self-worth > >so that I would always behave well in public. I resolved myself > >early in life to never ever express a need, because you never > >knew when asking for water or wanting to play with a toy would > >result in a beating. When he was young my brother would > >actually lose bowel control in terror of her, and then she'd > >beat him with a belt for messing up his pants. > > > >I feel very sad for the little girl who never had a mother (or > >father, because he was and still is a schizoid enabler who > >would never in a million years stand up to her even if it meant > >watching her beat the daylights emotionally and physically out > >of my brother and me). I feel sad for the little girl who has > >always known that there was no one on this earth to protect her > >other than herself, who knew that the closet was the safest > >place to cry because if she got caught crying over how her > >mother hated her, she'd get beat harder. > > > >I am very focused on doing what I need to do to love and > >protect my daughter, to teach her that she is worthy and loved, > >but at times facing the reality that my mother does not love me > >enough to get help for her myriad of mental illnesses, or to > >even one time in her life say " I'm sorry " is so hard to bear. > >Before I went no contact my mother wouldn't even come to visit > >me when I was bed-ridden even though she lives locally. She > >just doesn't care about anyone but herself and the BPD mother > >who she has spent her whole life trying to please. > > > >I would (and am in the process of doing it!) go to the ends of > >the earth to protect my daughter from harm and to help her > >develop into the happy, well-adjusted, smart, beautiful, loving > >girl that she innately is. When my daughter was born I felt > >immediate, incredible, all-powerful love- I realized that the > >denial I was living in would impair her dramatically, so I > >faced my demons. I have read every book on BPD, on raising an > >emotionally intelligent child, on general parenting and every > >other matter of self help that I could get my hands on. I began > >going to therapy twice a week, started yoga and meditation > >classes, got on this amazing board and am working with a number > >of spiritual healers. I am lucky that I am able to do these > >things but they are not fun- making sense of all the trauma I > >survived SUCKS but it is the only way to get back to emotional > >wholeness, which is in turn the only way to be a good, loving > >parent who can provide safety and caring for an innocent > >child! > > > >In stark contrast, my mother threw me to the wolves and then > >claimed to the world what a great mother she is and what an > >ingrate I am. > > > >The pain cuts so deep. It is not fair. > > > >Thank you for listening. Sometimes it helps me a lot just to > >get it out. I know you have all been through it too so you > >understand. > > > > > > > > > > > -- > Katrina > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 21, 2012 Report Share Posted August 21, 2012 Hi Katrina, I agree with you that if we can wrap our minds around the idea that our parents are actually quite mentally ill, it can help to take some of the sting out; it helps us achieve a more healthy emotional distance from our pd parent, become more self-protective, and helps us take their negative, hurtful behaviors less personally (if we choose to remain in contact, that is.) But each individual bpd parent-non bpd child relationship is different. Some mothers (or other loved ones) with bpd are only rather mildly affected by the disorder, while other mothers with bpd actually have bpd to an extreme degree or they have bpd PLUS other pds or other Axis I mental illnesses as co-morbidities, such as my mother did: they're not " just " bpd, as though that's not bad enough all by itself. My mother (who had been formally diagnosed with bpd on two different occasions, by two different therapists) had (in my own opinion) most of the narcissistic pd traits and even some psychopathic pd traits, some histrionic pd traits, AND several obsessive-compulsive pd traits. I believe my mother was way, way too mentally ill to have been left virtually alone to raise small children. I'm not a psychologist, but from what I've read about pds, those with narcissistic pd and psychopathy are not actually capable of empathy, and the ability to feel empathy is a HUGE component of love. A parent who is incapable of understanding, feeling or expressing empathy for their child will end up doing great emotional and likely even physical damage to their children as a result. Its way off the Richter scale of " normal " for a tiny child to soil himself or piss herself out of sheer animal terror at the approach of their own mother, and my little Sister experienced that also . Sister and I were physically terrified of our own mother. My younger Sister still has big chunks of amnesia RE her childhood years, and I am just now in late middle age getting my ability to feel my emotions again. My memories are pretty intact, but I cut myself off from my emotions to cope with the abuse. So, I guess what I'm saying is that I personally believe that in SOME cases mothers (or fathers) with extreme, severe bpd, particularly when they also have co-morbid narcissistic pd and/or psychopathy, actually are not *capable* of loving their children in anything close to the way most people think of as normal parental love. Its more in the nature of a feeling of *ownership*, or, possibly, its more like the way pedophiles " love " children: a warped, distorted, inverted, abnormal thing that really isn't what " love " is at all. Sometimes, people stay in abusive relationships longer than they should because they want so badly to believe that somehow, underneath all the abuse, their parent or spouse or sibling actually loves them. In my own case, that wasn't a healthy way for me to think; it kept me connected to (enmeshed with) my nada and receiving fresh trauma decades after I should have " rescued myself " from the relationship. -Annie > > You said " but at times facing the reality that my mother does > not love me enough to get help for her myriad of mental > illnesses, or to even one time in her life say " I'm sorry " is so > hard to bear. " > > I think it would help to look at this a bit differently. I don't > think it is a matter of our nadas not loving us enough to get > help or say they're sorry. I think they're incapable of loving. > They can't choose to love us because the whole idea of love is > incompatible with the way their brains work. Love requires > caring about someone else to the extent that you'll make > sacrifices and put the other person's wants and needs above your > own. Our nadas just don't understand that concept. Beyond that, > they don't get help because they don't understand that anything > is wrong with them. That's not about them not loving us. Our > nadas' actions are about them, not about us. If you see it that > way, it becomes a lot less personal and thus easier to bear. At > least that's my experience. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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