More boundary advice...

[Guest guest]

I am needing a little more boundary-setting advice about my nada.

A big problem I have with her is her wanting to visit us all the time. She

is actually mostly good with my children so it is sweet that she wants to see

them, but her visits create a lot of stress for my family.

Reading SWOE and reading the smart comments on this list have helped me

feel that I know how to tell her that she can't visit if it isn't a good time

for us.

Here is where I am getting stuck: she wants to visit next week, which is my

last week of vacation before I go back to work (I am a teacher). I want those

final days with my own family. However, my sister and her son are coming to

visit for a day and a half next week. If I tell her it is not a good time for a

visit, she will complain that my sister is allowed to come (and she will

probably want to come at the same time that my sister does, so she can see all

of her grandchildren and both her daughters all together). I think that the

visit with my sister will be less pleasant if nada comes and I don't want it to

happen, but I am struggling with the language to respond to the complaints of

" why can't I visit if she can visit. " The truth is " because you are unpleasant

and demanding and will make everyone miserable " and that doesn't seem like the

best thing to say to her....!

Thanks...

Leah

[Guest guest]

I would really be interested in knowing how to handle such a situation myself.

Robin

>

> I am needing a little more boundary-setting advice about my nada.

> A big problem I have with her is her wanting to visit us all the time.

She is actually mostly good with my children so it is sweet that she wants to

see them, but her visits create a lot of stress for my family.

> Reading SWOE and reading the smart comments on this list have helped me

feel that I know how to tell her that she can't visit if it isn't a good time

for us.

> Here is where I am getting stuck: she wants to visit next week, which is

my last week of vacation before I go back to work (I am a teacher). I want

those final days with my own family. However, my sister and her son are coming

to visit for a day and a half next week. If I tell her it is not a good time

for a visit, she will complain that my sister is allowed to come (and she will

probably want to come at the same time that my sister does, so she can see all

of her grandchildren and both her daughters all together). I think that the

visit with my sister will be less pleasant if nada comes and I don't want it to

happen, but I am struggling with the language to respond to the complaints of

" why can't I visit if she can visit. " The truth is " because you are unpleasant

and demanding and will make everyone miserable " and that doesn't seem like the

best thing to say to her....!

> Thanks...

> Leah

>

[Guest guest]

Leah,

In my opinion the words you need are " That is not a good time

for me " . You aren't required to explain why it isn't a good

time. You aren't required to justify your choices. Nothing you

tell her about why your sister is coming to visit is going to

satisfy her. Any reason you give her is just going to give her

grounds to argue against your decision. She'll come up with an

argument against every reason you give her until she ends up

making you agree to let her come so you have nothing to gain

from giving her grounds for arguing. You can't have a rational

discussion with someone who isn't capable of thinking

rationally. You can choose to end the conversation if she

continues to push to be allowed to visit.

At 04:26 PM 08/20/2012 Badgerdog wrote:

> I am needing a little more boundary-setting advice about

> my nada.

> A big problem I have with her is her wanting to visit us

> all the time. She is actually mostly good with my children so

> it is sweet that she wants to see them, but her visits create

> a lot of stress for my family.

> Reading SWOE and reading the smart comments on this list

> have helped me feel that I know how to tell her that she can't

> visit if it isn't a good time for us.

> Here is where I am getting stuck: she wants to visit next

> week, which is my last week of vacation before I go back to

> work (I am a teacher). I want those final days with my own

> family. However, my sister and her son are coming to visit

> for a day and a half next week. If I tell her it is not a

> good time for a visit, she will complain that my sister is

> allowed to come (and she will probably want to come at the

> same time that my sister does, so she can see all of her

> grandchildren and both her daughters all together). I think

> that the visit with my sister will be less pleasant if nada

> comes and I don't want it to happen, but I am struggling with

> the language to respond to the complaints of " why can't I

> visit if she can visit. " The truth is " because you are

> unpleasant and demanding and will make everyone miserable " and

> that doesn't seem like the best thing to say to her....!

>Thanks...

>Leah

>

--

Katrina

[Guest guest]

Well, darn. You are describing a kind of no-win situation, since your nada

already knows all about the time you have off and the fact that your sister will

be visiting you.

With my nada, there simply wasn't any " good " way to say, " I want to spend some

time just with my Sister. " If I had said anything like that, or anything along

the lines of " I'd like some time while I'm here to visit some old friends and

explore, on my own... " that would have caused WWIII to erupt. Nada would

make my entire visit with her miserable with pouting, whining, anger and

resentment because all she would be focused on was that she was not getting 100%

of my time. The idea that my Sister and I might want to spend time together

without her would have sent her over the edge, I think.

So... I figured out that I had to lie, basically.

My Sister and I would agree that we simply wouldn't tell our nada exactly when I

was arriving, and I'd arrive two or three days before I said I was going to

show up at nada's, and I'd spend those two or three days just with my Sister and

nephew and nada was none the wiser. WWIII was side-stepped.

Since your nada already knows about this visit, you are basically stuck. I

don't see a way out for you. Maybe some of the other members have had good

luck with other strategies.

Next time, with your sister's cooperation, perhaps the two of you can plan to

spend time together without letting your nada know about it at all. You are not

obligated to account to your nada for every moment of your free time; its none

of her business, actually.

I hope you find something that will work for you!

-Annie

> I am needing a little more boundary-setting advice about my nada.

> A big problem I have with her is her wanting to visit us all the time.

She is actually mostly good with my children so it is sweet that she wants to

see them, but her visits create a lot of stress for my family.

> Reading SWOE and reading the smart comments on this list have helped me

feel that I know how to tell her that she can't visit if it isn't a good time

for us.

> Here is where I am getting stuck: she wants to visit next week, which is

my last week of vacation before I go back to work (I am a teacher). I want

those final days with my own family. However, my sister and her son are coming

to visit for a day and a half next week. If I tell her it is not a good time

for a visit, she will complain that my sister is allowed to come (and she will

probably want to come at the same time that my sister does, so she can see all

of her grandchildren and both her daughters all together). I think that the

visit with my sister will be less pleasant if nada comes and I don't want it to

happen, but I am struggling with the language to respond to the complaints of

" why can't I visit if she can visit. " The truth is " because you are unpleasant

and demanding and will make everyone miserable " and that doesn't seem like the

best thing to say to her....!

> Thanks...

> Leah

>

[Guest guest]

Could you say that you are so consumed with getting ready to get back in the

classroom that you can't handle a large crowd visiting at once?? I am a elem.

school teacher so can relate to not wanting to over-do right before school

begins. Don't want to get burnt out before the school year ends and teachers

want to be prepared to give it their all during the school year!! Classroom

needs are very stressful and most folks don't realize it.

>

> I am needing a little more boundary-setting advice about my nada.

> A big problem I have with her is her wanting to visit us all the time.

She is actually mostly good with my children so it is sweet that she wants to

see them, but her visits create a lot of stress for my family.

> Reading SWOE and reading the smart comments on this list have helped me

feel that I know how to tell her that she can't visit if it isn't a good time

for us.

> Here is where I am getting stuck: she wants to visit next week, which is

my last week of vacation before I go back to work (I am a teacher). I want

those final days with my own family. However, my sister and her son are coming

to visit for a day and a half next week. If I tell her it is not a good time

for a visit, she will complain that my sister is allowed to come (and she will

probably want to come at the same time that my sister does, so she can see all

of her grandchildren and both her daughters all together). I think that the

visit with my sister will be less pleasant if nada comes and I don't want it to

happen, but I am struggling with the language to respond to the complaints of

" why can't I visit if she can visit. " The truth is " because you are unpleasant

and demanding and will make everyone miserable " and that doesn't seem like the

best thing to say to her....!

> Thanks...

> Leah

>