Hi everyone. any advice would be appreciated

[Guest guest]

dear all around last week i wrote about how my stepdad has cancer and doesnt

have much time. i went with my brother who has also been nc for the last 2 years

with my nada to hospital to see him. We went and thankfully noone was there so

we spent some good quality time with just him. since last thursday news has come

to me the seriousness of his condition. he has lung cancer that has spread to

his stomach and possibly his liver. the doctors discharged from hospital last

friday after a week stay there. Not sure how many of you are familiar with

cancer but from what i hear i beleive his condition his terminal and having an

unhleathy lifestyle being a big smoker his whole life he doesnt have much time

Deep down in my heart i want to go see him again and also be there for my

nada for i can only imagine how difficulut this is for her...as he has been her

emotional punching bag for the last 18 years. i also feel somewhat " cold " if i

didnt go and see him and her. its not easy for me to see her as i physically get

ill emtions overwhelm me. i know i have to be strong and just think of it as i

have to just be there regardless of any abuse she may hurl at me?! knowing she

is in a fragile state. if i go it would be not alone but with my brother who is

in the same situatioon as me. has anyone been a simialar sitaution? what are

your thoughts??

[Guest guest]

I'm so sorry, M. My father died of lung cancer, so am familiar.

I don't really have any advice. I think it's a great idea to go with your

brother and stay united. Arrive together, leave together. You deserve to be

there to see your stepdad, too.

>

> dear all around last week i wrote about how my stepdad has cancer and doesnt

have much time. i went with my brother who has also been nc for the last 2 years

with my nada to hospital to see him. We went and thankfully noone was there so

we spent some good quality time with just him. since last thursday news has come

to me the seriousness of his condition. he has lung cancer that has spread to

his stomach and possibly his liver. the doctors discharged from hospital last

friday after a week stay there. Not sure how many of you are familiar with

cancer but from what i hear i beleive his condition his terminal and having an

unhleathy lifestyle being a big smoker his whole life he doesnt have much time

Deep down in my heart i want to go see him again and also be there for my

nada for i can only imagine how difficulut this is for her...as he has been her

emotional punching bag for the last 18 years. i also feel somewhat " cold " if i

didnt go and see him and her. its not easy for me to see her as i physically get

ill emtions overwhelm me. i know i have to be strong and just think of it as i

have to just be there regardless of any abuse she may hurl at me?! knowing she

is in a fragile state. if i go it would be not alone but with my brother who is

in the same situatioon as me. has anyone been a simialar sitaution? what are

your thoughts??

>

[Guest guest]

I'm so sorry you and your family are going through this; its a sad and extremely

stressful time. That was good that you did get to spend some time alone with

your dad, you and your brother, I'm sure that that meant a great deal to him.

And I'm glad that you and your brother are planning to team up again for another

visit with your dad even though it means visiting your nada as well. All I can

suggest is that for this upcoming visit, try using " Medium Chill " techniques

with your nada. Its not being cold to her or ignoring her, its being *neutral

or non-reactive* to her verbal attacks. Its a way to avoid engaging with her on

her level, a way to not respond in kind to attempts at goading you into fighting

with her. You can read the short article on " Medium Chill " at post #132289 of

this Group.

Wishing you strength and courage.

-Annie

>

> dear all around last week i wrote about how my stepdad has cancer and doesnt

have much time. i went with my brother who has also been nc for the last 2 years

with my nada to hospital to see him. We went and thankfully noone was there so

we spent some good quality time with just him. since last thursday news has come

to me the seriousness of his condition. he has lung cancer that has spread to

his stomach and possibly his liver. the doctors discharged from hospital last

friday after a week stay there. Not sure how many of you are familiar with

cancer but from what i hear i beleive his condition his terminal and having an

unhleathy lifestyle being a big smoker his whole life he doesnt have much time

Deep down in my heart i want to go see him again and also be there for my

nada for i can only imagine how difficulut this is for her...as he has been her

emotional punching bag for the last 18 years. i also feel somewhat " cold " if i

didnt go and see him and her. its not easy for me to see her as i physically get

ill emtions overwhelm me. i know i have to be strong and just think of it as i

have to just be there regardless of any abuse she may hurl at me?! knowing she

is in a fragile state. if i go it would be not alone but with my brother who is

in the same situatioon as me. has anyone been a simialar sitaution? what are

your thoughts??

>

[Guest guest]

thankyou sincerrely annie for your advice, especially on " medium chill " . i had a

read and found it very useful and have forwarded to my sibling as well. i pray

that i will have the strength to withstand being with her in such an emotional

time. thoughts have been circulating in mind like, if i embrace her to comfort

her i feel theres a part of being thats being vunerable to her and my hope to

have a real mother, or if she asks about my kids how should i respong in a way

that wont upset her too much etc. such a hard time and i just have to have faith

that if she starts badgering me with guilt , like how i have been away so long,

how could i not her see the kids blah blah i need to just remove myself from

the situation...right?

thankyou so much for your wisdom annie.

> >

> > dear all around last week i wrote about how my stepdad has cancer and doesnt

have much time. i went with my brother who has also been nc for the last 2 years

with my nada to hospital to see him. We went and thankfully noone was there so

we spent some good quality time with just him. since last thursday news has come

to me the seriousness of his condition. he has lung cancer that has spread to

his stomach and possibly his liver. the doctors discharged from hospital last

friday after a week stay there. Not sure how many of you are familiar with

cancer but from what i hear i beleive his condition his terminal and having an

unhleathy lifestyle being a big smoker his whole life he doesnt have much time

Deep down in my heart i want to go see him again and also be there for my

nada for i can only imagine how difficulut this is for her...as he has been her

emotional punching bag for the last 18 years. i also feel somewhat " cold " if i

didnt go and see him and her. its not easy for me to see her as i physically get

ill emtions overwhelm me. i know i have to be strong and just think of it as i

have to just be there regardless of any abuse she may hurl at me?! knowing she

is in a fragile state. if i go it would be not alone but with my brother who is

in the same situatioon as me. has anyone been a simialar sitaution? what are

your thoughts??

> >

>

[Guest guest]

thankyou so much fiona. your comments warmed my heart.

> >

> > dear all around last week i wrote about how my stepdad has cancer and doesnt

have much time. i went with my brother who has also been nc for the last 2 years

with my nada to hospital to see him. We went and thankfully noone was there so

we spent some good quality time with just him. since last thursday news has come

to me the seriousness of his condition. he has lung cancer that has spread to

his stomach and possibly his liver. the doctors discharged from hospital last

friday after a week stay there. Not sure how many of you are familiar with

cancer but from what i hear i beleive his condition his terminal and having an

unhleathy lifestyle being a big smoker his whole life he doesnt have much time

Deep down in my heart i want to go see him again and also be there for my

nada for i can only imagine how difficulut this is for her...as he has been her

emotional punching bag for the last 18 years. i also feel somewhat " cold " if i

didnt go and see him and her. its not easy for me to see her as i physically get

ill emtions overwhelm me. i know i have to be strong and just think of it as i

have to just be there regardless of any abuse she may hurl at me?! knowing she

is in a fragile state. if i go it would be not alone but with my brother who is

in the same situatioon as me. has anyone been a simialar sitaution? what are

your thoughts??

> >

>

[Guest guest]

I'm glad that the article on Medium Chill helped you. Its going to be your call

RE what you will do if your nada starts FOGging you (using Fear, Obligation, and

Guilt as manipulative tools.) I guess all you can do is to keep reminding

yourself that the guilt she is trying to load you up with is misplaced and

inappropriate. Its HER guilt, but she wants you to feel it for her. You are

NOT obligated to carry the burden of her guilt for her; in fact, protecting your

children from an emotionally (or physically) abusive person is what you are

*supposed* to do as a parent: protecting your children is nothing to feel guilty

about.

If your nada is easily triggered into rage or hysteria and starts behaving in

scary or threatening ways (screaming at you, crying, throwing things, waving a

knife around, etc.) then I personally think it would be better to cut the visit

short and leave.

But if she's not that volatile and is instead whiny and demanding attention,

maybe the " broken record " technique will work for you. An example would be

something like, " I understand that you want to talk about (topic X), mom, but

now isn't the time. We can talk about that later. " Its a delaying tactic. And

you repeat it like a broken record if she should bring it up again during the

visit. " I understand that you want to talk about (topic X), mom, but now isn't

the time. We can talk about that later. "

" Now isn't the time, mom. "

" Now isn't the time, mom. "

-Annie

I hope the visit will go as smoothly as possible for you and your sib, so you

can give your dad (stepdad?) some comfort.

-Annie

> > >

> > > dear all around last week i wrote about how my stepdad has cancer and

doesnt have much time. i went with my brother who has also been nc for the last

2 years with my nada to hospital to see him. We went and thankfully noone was

there so we spent some good quality time with just him. since last thursday news

has come to me the seriousness of his condition. he has lung cancer that has

spread to his stomach and possibly his liver. the doctors discharged from

hospital last friday after a week stay there. Not sure how many of you are

familiar with cancer but from what i hear i beleive his condition his terminal

and having an unhleathy lifestyle being a big smoker his whole life he doesnt

have much time Deep down in my heart i want to go see him again and also be

there for my nada for i can only imagine how difficulut this is for her...as he

has been her emotional punching bag for the last 18 years. i also feel somewhat

" cold " if i didnt go and see him and her. its not easy for me to see her as i

physically get ill emtions overwhelm me. i know i have to be strong and just

think of it as i have to just be there regardless of any abuse she may hurl at

me?! knowing she is in a fragile state. if i go it would be not alone but with

my brother who is in the same situatioon as me. has anyone been a simialar

sitaution? what are your thoughts??

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

OMG, Annie,

I had nothing helpful to add to this conversation, as I handled my own

experience with my dad dying of lung cancer in the worst way possible.

However, you advice on Medium Chill helped me too at the stage I'm in with my

BPD. I was just at my new T's office on Monday and she said something similar.

I really, really like this woman as she is used to teaching children and so she

talks to me on a level that I can actually remember when I'm in extremis. =)

She gave me two phrases to live by when I'm interacting with my BPD.

1. Keep Your Butt in Your Seat: You are at a play watching things unfold with

your BPD and another person. If you are in seat 7 row 3, keep your butt in the

seat and don't jump up on the stage (unless someone is in real danger--Or you

are invited and WANT to go).

2. Be The Perfect Hostess: When you have to see your BPD act like the perfect

hostess--polite and welcoming, but not really involved.

Well to me, the perfect hostess has always included an element of

over-compensation. (Oh, here let me get you that... what can I make you now?

.... would you like (blank)?....) A sort of 'don't hurt me' way of living.

Medium Chill helped me with that piece of being " the perfect hostess " .

=)

Mimi

> > > >

> > > > dear all around last week i wrote about how my stepdad has cancer and

doesnt have much time. i went with my brother who has also been nc for the last

2 years with my nada to hospital to see him. We went and thankfully noone was

there so we spent some good quality time with just him. since last thursday news

has come to me the seriousness of his condition. he has lung cancer that has

spread to his stomach and possibly his liver. the doctors discharged from

hospital last friday after a week stay there. Not sure how many of you are

familiar with cancer but from what i hear i beleive his condition his terminal

and having an unhleathy lifestyle being a big smoker his whole life he doesnt

have much time Deep down in my heart i want to go see him again and also be

there for my nada for i can only imagine how difficulut this is for her...as he

has been her emotional punching bag for the last 18 years. i also feel somewhat

" cold " if i didnt go and see him and her. its not easy for me to see her as i

physically get ill emtions overwhelm me. i know i have to be strong and just

think of it as i have to just be there regardless of any abuse she may hurl at

me?! knowing she is in a fragile state. if i go it would be not alone but with

my brother who is in the same situatioon as me. has anyone been a simialar

sitaution? what are your thoughts??

> > > >

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Oh yes, I was there 4 years ago. My Dad was a heavy smoker for years, ended up

with 4 heart attacks that resulted in congestive heart failure. But it was the

lung cancer that spread through his body and finally took him.

Like you, it was so hard to juggle the emotions of being there for him but

having to face nada at the same time. It reached a point that I had to tune her

out the best I could so he would have some tender loving care and support during

his final months of life. She was a mean and nasty person to him the whole time.

There were days she was angry and refused to fix him anything to eat. If he

managed to stand up and fix himself a small bite, she would rant at him for not

offering to fix her lunch too. That's just one small example of how bad it was.

I can't tell you it will be easy to tune her out. But your dad (mine was also a

stepdad) needs someone in his corner right now. Hospice people are great but he

needs someone who loves him. It's about him right now. I literally hated my nada

for the things she said and did to him during that time. But I'm so thankful my

husband and I were able to give my dad some peace, comfort and love. It wasn't

nearly enough but he left this world knowing somebody loved him. Nada sure

didn't. The last time I saw him, he held both our hands tightly and gave us a

weak smile. A few hours later he was gone.

I do hope you can let your Dad know that he's not alone and that he's loved. I

am so, so sorry for what you're going through. My Dad passed away just 4 years

ago on Aug. 22 and I still miss him greatly.

>

> dear all around last week i wrote about how my stepdad has cancer and doesnt

have much time. i went with my brother who has also been nc for the last 2 years

with my nada to hospital to see him. We went and thankfully noone was there so

we spent some good quality time with just him. since last thursday news has come

to me the seriousness of his condition. he has lung cancer that has spread to

his stomach and possibly his liver. the doctors discharged from hospital last

friday after a week stay there. Not sure how many of you are familiar with

cancer but from what i hear i beleive his condition his terminal and having an

unhleathy lifestyle being a big smoker his whole life he doesnt have much time

Deep down in my heart i want to go see him again and also be there for my

nada for i can only imagine how difficulut this is for her...as he has been her

emotional punching bag for the last 18 years. i also feel somewhat " cold " if i

didnt go and see him and her. its not easy for me to see her as i physically get

ill emtions overwhelm me. i know i have to be strong and just think of it as i

have to just be there regardless of any abuse she may hurl at me?! knowing she

is in a fragile state. if i go it would be not alone but with my brother who is

in the same situatioon as me. has anyone been a simialar sitaution? what are

your thoughts??

>