Amazed by all of this

[Guest guest]

I found this group about a month ago and have been reading everything I could

get my hands on ever since. I am in absolute astonishment by what I am learning

and by what I know now my mother no doubt has had my entire life. I am a 40

year old female with serious mental health issues. I have panic attacks that

started about 10 years ago, weight issues, depression from time to time, trust

issues, eating disorders, fear of abandonment, spending money problems, etc....

This is what the result is of a child that was brought up with a BPD and

narcissist mother household. From an early age, I was expected to be perfect.

Grades, manners, image, hair, weight, school etc... I was physically abused by

my mother and until the last two months blamed myself as being a " difficult "

child to rear. Now that I have two boys of my own I realize that my reaction as

a mother to them is my responsibility, not theirs. However, what makes this

realization now for me so darn hard is the guilt I feel. My mother is the

master of passive aggressive meanness. I rarely see her (probably a couple of

times a year, but used to talk to her on the phone a couple of times a week.

Almost without fail, she would interject some kind of " controlling " comment on

me about my child rearing, weight, lifestyle, etc... that was incredibly

painful. There again, for all of these years I took her comments to heart and

thought maybe she was right. I am just starting to realize that she is the one

with the problem and having contact with her is ruining my life. I have a

sister who is 12 years younger than I am (same father) and my sister gets some

of the same verbal abuse, however, my mother reacts completely differently to my

sister when she tells her to stop being so ugly. When I tell her she is hurting

me, she blows up, gets angry, tells me I am wrong/rotten/too sensitive, etc.. It

is a constant battle that leaves me feeling like crap. I have been only email

contact with her since April and she wants to start phone conversations with me

again. However, I want to tell her that I know now what is going on. I need

help with how to handle my contact with her moving forward. For me to heal I

have got to have the strength to not get hurt by her constantly. any

suggestions?

[Guest guest]

" Now that I have two boys of my own I realize that my reaction as a mother to

them is my responsibility, not theirs. ....My mother is the master of passive

aggressive meanness. "

First of all, good for you! I admire you for stopping the cycle your nada was a

part of.

My mother, too, is verrrry passive aggressive...mind games....double

speak..triangulation. I never know what she really means and stopped trying to

guess.

I don't know if you are in therapy; I strongly recommend it. It has been a huge

help to me.

Also, if you haven't already, read Boundaries by Cloud/Townsend. I am re-reading

it and credit it with helping me finally understand where I end and others

begin, and for helping me let my mother's comments land at her feet. Believe me,

sometimes her zingers still hurt, but more and more, I'm seeing that they are

her thoughts, belonging to her, I don't want ownership of them as well.

>

> I found this group about a month ago and have been reading everything I could

get my hands on ever since. I am in absolute astonishment by what I am learning

and by what I know now my mother no doubt has had my entire life. I am a 40

year old female with serious mental health issues. I have panic attacks that

started about 10 years ago, weight issues, depression from time to time, trust

issues, eating disorders, fear of abandonment, spending money problems, etc....

This is what the result is of a child that was brought up with a BPD and

narcissist mother household. From an early age, I was expected to be perfect.

Grades, manners, image, hair, weight, school etc... I was physically abused by

my mother and until the last two months blamed myself as being a " difficult "

child to rear. Now that I have two boys of my own I realize that my reaction as

a mother to them is my responsibility, not theirs. However, what makes this

realization now for me so darn hard is the guilt I feel. My mother is the

master of passive aggressive meanness. I rarely see her (probably a couple of

times a year, but used to talk to her on the phone a couple of times a week.

Almost without fail, she would interject some kind of " controlling " comment on

me about my child rearing, weight, lifestyle, etc... that was incredibly

painful. There again, for all of these years I took her comments to heart and

thought maybe she was right. I am just starting to realize that she is the one

with the problem and having contact with her is ruining my life. I have a

sister who is 12 years younger than I am (same father) and my sister gets some

of the same verbal abuse, however, my mother reacts completely differently to my

sister when she tells her to stop being so ugly. When I tell her she is hurting

me, she blows up, gets angry, tells me I am wrong/rotten/too sensitive, etc.. It

is a constant battle that leaves me feeling like crap. I have been only email

contact with her since April and she wants to start phone conversations with me

again. However, I want to tell her that I know now what is going on. I need

help with how to handle my contact with her moving forward. For me to heal I

have got to have the strength to not get hurt by her constantly. any

suggestions?

>