Dealing with my raging nada

[Guest guest]

So I asked for advice about telling my mom not to visit me during my sister's

visit. My sister actually told her that we don't want her to visit, and as one

of you (Annie I believe) predicted, it has turned into WWIII.

The piece I'm really struggling with is her claims that my sister and I are

insensitive/unloving/etc. because she " needs " us to be around her since her

husband died. He died at the end of June. I don't want to discount her loss.

However, it seems clear to me that she is using her loss merely to get what she

wants. (e.g. she managed to rally enough to spend three weeks in Greece during

which she miraculously did not need us!) I am just not sure of language to use

with her to explain that I can't give her everything she wants all the time,

when she thinks that being a widow is the trump card that means precisely that I

*do* have to give her everything she wants all the time.

The other thing I find difficult to respond to is her insistence that my not

wanting her to visit all the time means that " something is wrong " and that I

" don't want anything to do with her. " I guess maybe the best thing is just to

tell her none of that is true? Like a broken record?

Finally one more question: I do need to speak with her on the phone, but I know

from my sister (who she tried, unsuccessfully, to enlist as a flying monkey)

that it's going to be a conversation with a raging/sobbing BPD. I am still on

vacation, we go home saturday, and I'm not dying to call her before we get home.

I just don't want to set aside a lot of time on my vacation to do that. Should

I let it go and let her stew 'til Saturday? Should I email her and tell that I

really don't want to talk on the phone, but I know from my sister that she is

upset and I want to allay her fears? Should I call her but set a very short

time limit (which will make her really unhappy/mad)?

Sigh.

Thanks, all.

Leah

[Guest guest]

Hi Leah,

In this particular instance, from my point of view, you've kind of painted

yourself into a corner. WWIII has already erupted.

Perhaps one way to cut your losses this time, is to just invite nada over for

supper only. You and your sister and your kids get to spend the day together,

and then late in the day nada comes over to join you all for supper. That would

at least cut down the amount of time you'd be spending with nada: a couple of

hours instead of all day. Hopefully.

If you choose that option, I suggest having dinner at a restaurant and have her

meet you there. My nada was more pleasant to be around in public; maybe yours

is too.

I don't know of any good way or right way or best way to tell anyone, even a

normally mentally healthy person, that you are planning to have a party but

you're not inviting them. That's why I started lying to my nada about when,

exactly, I would be in her area, to avoid triggering her rage and her

abandonment fears, avoid hurting her feelings and avoid WWIII.

Maybe you and your sister can discuss the " dinner only " idea as a possible

option. I can't think of an option that won't result in more drama and hurt

feelings, though, in this particular situation. Maybe some of the other

members here will have more alternative, workable ideas for you.

RE when and how and for how long you contact your nada; that depends on what YOU

can and can't tolerate. I suggest e-mail if your nada is very histrionic and

tends toward crying and/or screaming on the phone. If you do phone her and she

becomes hysterical or enraged, then you can talk over her and say very calmly

and kindly, " I understand that you are upset, but I can't talk with you when you

are crying/screaming at me like this. I'm going to hang up the phone now, and

we can try discussing this again perhaps tomorrow when you are calm. 'Bye. "

(or your own version of something along those lines.) That is called setting a

boundary: your rule or boundary is that you will only talk with your nada when

she is calm. You won't stay on the phone while she has a tantrum or hysterics;

she has to be calm before you will agree to talk with her. Your consequence

for boundary violation (when nada begins reverting to rage or hysterics) is to

cut the call short, but politely and calmly.

I hope that helps.

-Annie

>

> So I asked for advice about telling my mom not to visit me during my sister's

visit. My sister actually told her that we don't want her to visit, and as one

of you (Annie I believe) predicted, it has turned into WWIII.

>

> The piece I'm really struggling with is her claims that my sister and I are

insensitive/unloving/etc. because she " needs " us to be around her since her

husband died. He died at the end of June. I don't want to discount her loss.

However, it seems clear to me that she is using her loss merely to get what she

wants. (e.g. she managed to rally enough to spend three weeks in Greece during

which she miraculously did not need us!) I am just not sure of language to use

with her to explain that I can't give her everything she wants all the time,

when she thinks that being a widow is the trump card that means precisely that I

*do* have to give her everything she wants all the time.

> The other thing I find difficult to respond to is her insistence that my not

wanting her to visit all the time means that " something is wrong " and that I

" don't want anything to do with her. " I guess maybe the best thing is just to

tell her none of that is true? Like a broken record?

> Finally one more question: I do need to speak with her on the phone, but I

know from my sister (who she tried, unsuccessfully, to enlist as a flying

monkey) that it's going to be a conversation with a raging/sobbing BPD. I am

still on vacation, we go home saturday, and I'm not dying to call her before we

get home. I just don't want to set aside a lot of time on my vacation to do

that. Should I let it go and let her stew 'til Saturday? Should I email her

and tell that I really don't want to talk on the phone, but I know from my

sister that she is upset and I want to allay her fears? Should I call her but

set a very short time limit (which will make her really unhappy/mad)?

> Sigh.

> Thanks, all.

> Leah

>