More raging nada

[Guest guest]

So, I am writing yet again on the same day because my sister has let me know

that my mom is really raging out of control. I won't go on and on about her

histrionics but it's bad. She got into a car accident tonight, my sister isn't

sure if it was nada's fault or not, but it seems likely that she is in such a

crazy blind rage that she actually crashed the car.

It may or may not have been the best choice to tell her that she couldn't visit

but it was actually my sister who did it, not me, so the whole thing is out of

my hands in any case.

I don't know if it's okay to ask for advice for other people here but my sister

is wondering how to tell nada that she does not want her to babysit her

five-year-old when she is in this state. (It's something I may have to talk to

her about too at some point, but my sister and nada live very near each other

and are pretty enmeshed in terms of childcare and even some financial

dependence. Thankfully, I live far away.) Should she make up an excuse (which

would be hard to do and nada will push and push)? Should she say " it's not safe

when you are like this " ?

thanks all.

Leah

[Guest guest]

At this point, seeing that your mother has engaged in a very dangerous behavior

(driving while out-of-control emotionally) I suggest that you call up her

regular doctor, tell him or her your concerns about this, and perhaps your

mother can be given a psychiatric hold and evaluation. If your bpd mother is at

the point where she insists on getting in her car and driving while she's

hysterical or enraged, OR if she can easily trigger into rage or hysterics while

driving, she will eventually cause an accident and she will hurt herself or

other people. That is as dangerous as driving while intoxicated, and she should

NOT be allowed to drive if she is now very out-of-control and easily triggered

into rage or hysterics.

I am relieved that your sister realizes that it is no longer safe to leave the

5-year-old with your mother at this point, particularly after this

near-car-accident situation.

My suggestion is that if your bpd mother brings up the subject of babysitting,

your sister could just say something very calmly and lightly, like, " Its OK,

mom, don't worry about that, its all taken care of. "

There isn't any tactful way to say, " You're acting so out-of-control and

dangerous that I'm afraid to leave my child alone with you. " Instead, I

personally think its better to learn ways to say " No " indirectly, using

responses like, " Let me get back to you about that, " or " Thanks for the offer,

but we've already taken care of it. "

It IS scary when a parent escalates engaging in intolerable, unacceptable,

dangerous behaviors, but we can't just look the other way /ignore them or cater

to them, either; its time to take charge and switch gears and go into

protective/adult mode. The child's safety is the top priority, and your

mother's behaviors are putting herself and others in harm's way, so my own

personal opinion is that its time to take over control of the situation and make

some hard adult decisions about what is and is not going to be happening going

forward.

Best of luck to you.

-Annie

>

> So, I am writing yet again on the same day because my sister has let me know

that my mom is really raging out of control. I won't go on and on about her

histrionics but it's bad. She got into a car accident tonight, my sister isn't

sure if it was nada's fault or not, but it seems likely that she is in such a

crazy blind rage that she actually crashed the car.

>

> It may or may not have been the best choice to tell her that she couldn't

visit but it was actually my sister who did it, not me, so the whole thing is

out of my hands in any case.

>

> I don't know if it's okay to ask for advice for other people here but my

sister is wondering how to tell nada that she does not want her to babysit her

five-year-old when she is in this state. (It's something I may have to talk to

her about too at some point, but my sister and nada live very near each other

and are pretty enmeshed in terms of childcare and even some financial

dependence. Thankfully, I live far away.) Should she make up an excuse (which

would be hard to do and nada will push and push)? Should she say " it's not safe

when you are like this " ?

> thanks all.

> Leah

>