How to re-connect after a blow up

[Guest guest]

,

There's no reason to feel guilty for not doing something that

wouldn't help anyone anyway. You can't have a rational

discussion with someone who can't think rationally. BPD prevents

rational thought where emotions and relationships are concerned.

You can tell her how she's hurt you but she's not going to

accept it or understand what she did wrong. People with BPD

think they're fine and everyone else has some sort of problem if

they don't agree. If your nada was mentally healthy, then

talking to her about what she did to hurt you would probably be

appropriate. She's not mentally healthy though. You weren't the

one who made her mentally ill so you have no reason to feel

guilty for the results of her illness. You are absolutely right

when you sayt she would never intend to change and would resent

you for trying to get her to do so.

At 10:26 PM 09/03/2012 Renslow wrote:

>Thank you for your post. I've been feeling guilty lately for

>my NC because

>I haven't really explained much about what my nada said and did

>that hurt me

>so much. I was thinking I should at least talk to her, but I

>keep thinking

>about all the things that she does that hurt me and I don't

>know if I can

>ask her to do just one . . . even a small one. . . that would

>make me feel

>better about the past. I know she would react like your nada

>and even if

>she placated me during the conversation she would never

>actually intend to

>change and resent me for trying to control her.

>

>

>

>Thanks!

>

>

>

>WJR

--

Katrina

[Guest guest]

Thank you Katrina! Being armed with information and people who've been

there has been the only thing that has gotten me through. :-)

_____

From: WTOAdultChildren1

[mailto:WTOAdultChildren1 ] On Behalf Of Katrina

Sent: Tuesday, September 04, 2012 9:47 AM

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Subject: RE: Re: How to re-connect after a blow up

,

There's no reason to feel guilty for not doing something that

wouldn't help anyone anyway. You can't have a rational

discussion with someone who can't think rationally. BPD prevents

rational thought where emotions and relationships are concerned.

You can tell her how she's hurt you but she's not going to

accept it or understand what she did wrong. People with BPD

think they're fine and everyone else has some sort of problem if

they don't agree. If your nada was mentally healthy, then

talking to her about what she did to hurt you would probably be

appropriate. She's not mentally healthy though. You weren't the

one who made her mentally ill so you have no reason to feel

guilty for the results of her illness. You are absolutely right

when you sayt she would never intend to change and would resent

you for trying to get her to do so.

At 10:26 PM 09/03/2012 Renslow wrote:

>Thank you for your post. I've been feeling guilty lately for

>my NC because

>I haven't really explained much about what my nada said and did

>that hurt me

>so much. I was thinking I should at least talk to her, but I

>keep thinking

>about all the things that she does that hurt me and I don't

>know if I can

>ask her to do just one . . . even a small one. . . that would

>make me feel

>better about the past. I know she would react like your nada

>and even if

>she placated me during the conversation she would never

>actually intend to

>change and resent me for trying to control her.

>

>

>

>Thanks!

>

>

>

>WJR

--

Katrina

[Guest guest]

I'd be interested to read studies (including statistics) about those with

psychopathy tending to hook up with those with bpd; can you post a link?

Thanks,

Annie

>

> There are a lot of stats that psychopaths hook up with BPD people or

histronics. Psycopaths love the drama, all the ups and downs is thilling to

them, and the BPD is constantly trying to get some emotion out of the

psychopath. It is a sick dance but makes sense that only a sick person would

put up with an untreated BPD. Sane people won't want to get slapped in the face

over and over again. Psychopaths don't feel any pain when slapped in the face,

so the relationship fits.

>

> We have a saying in AA, sick people don't like well people. So if your

enemies, or distractors, are all sickos consider yourself a person working on

health!! Give yourself a pat on the back.

[Guest guest]

I agree with the group that the chances of both parents being mentally Ill is

high because they seek out equally immature partners who let them get away with

bad behavior. I am not a trained professional or anything but I can at least say

for my parents that my Dad was, from what I can tell, always stunted and found

his imago match in my mom. ( other members of this board have posted references

to Harville Hendrix's relationship theory on finding people who help you work

out, or avoid if you are sick, your childhood issues, it applies in spades to

our parents' relationships)

I'm sorry you're having such a tough experience with this. I totally relate. In

my case going NYC with my mom also meant NYC with dishrag dad, which I wish I

didn't have to do.

> >

> >

> > From: Elana

> > Subject: Re: How to re-connect after a blow up

> > To: WTOAdultChildren1

> > Date: Friday, August 31, 2012, 2:43 PM

> >

> >

> >

> >  

> >

> >

> >

> > At your age, and due to the fact you have your own kids to protect, I'm

> > sure you know by now that your parents are never going to change. Your

> > father is 100% as abusive and vile as your mother. Without a doubt, he also

> > has a disorder. He could easily be NPD, schizoid, a high-functioning

> > psychopath, etc etc. Sometimes people with these disorders go a bit

> > unnoticed (for a while) because some of these individuals are masters at

> > hiding their inner truth and doing whatever it takes to " look like the nice

> > guy " or the " reasonable guy " . This is part of their game. This feeds their

> > ego. Your dad plays this disgusting card to both YOU AND YOUR MOTHER. My

> > question is, why do you want to reconnect? What are you getting from these

> > abusive people? Why is it that you need their approval? Their forgiveness?

> > You did nothing wrong. You're an adult. You don't need approval from those

> > who are ... insane and toxic. Therefore, you don't need to reconnect. You

> > need to wait, worry about yourself and your kids, and heal. It's not your

> > job to do something for your abusive parents, you can't control them, and

> > anything you do in efforts to convince them to reconnect is just one more

> > day that they are continuing to CONTROL YOU. Break free.

> >

> >

[Guest guest]

I wish I could give some advice, but I've been the pariah now for over 2 years

-- the reason for all her misery. I tried to grovel & apologize (it was never

enough), I then tried to ignore her upset and continued phoning her and inviting

her over (she'd ambush me on the phone, trying to pick fights and cancel outings

at the last minute). It just got to be too much and I finally just stopped

trying. So now she tells all who listen I am angry with her and I refuse to

speak to her, like some teenage rebel (I'm 48). She's just too batty, too much

and energy drain.

I hope you have better luck than I!

>

> I am new to this group, and have only recently discovered that my mother fits

most of the criteria for having BPD. I am both relieved to know that you are all

out there for support, and kind of horrified at the harm done to all of us from

being raised by BPD parents.  I've also been blown away by the caring and

helpful responses you've given to each other!

>

> I live overseas and visit my parents once a year with my 2 kids. My mother is

always on edge during these visits and I feel like she is constantly finding

fault with everything I do and say. She's sometimes critical with my children,

too, but usually manages to contain herself where they're concerned.  She is an

eternal victim and ruminates incessantly on all the bad things that people have

ever said to her or done to her (from her perspective). She seems to refuse to

recognize or accept that many of us care very much about her, listen to her, try

to help her, etc. She is almost 80 now, and has many physical limitations along

with what must be the mental torture of having both BPD and chronic depression.

>

> During our last visit, after what started out as a friendly conversation, she

made her typical comments about my not listening to her or caring about her and

I blew my top. I know now it was the absolute worst thing to do, but I yelled at

her that nothing was ever right for her, and that it was wrong for her to dish

out so much venom and take no responsibility for the climates she creates. She

was inconsolable and turned to my ever-enabling Dad for support. She has

basically convinced him that all of her children are selfish and rotten, and he

has flat out told me that he has chosen to take care of her, and that me and my

sisters are on our own. We're all in our 40s and more than capable of taking

care of ourselves, but he has never backed any of us up in the face of my Mom's

lifelong displeasure with us and accusations of us.

>

> So my parents haven't talked to me in almost 2 weeks, and I have no idea what

to say to them. I've already apologized for my yelling, but I seem to have

really crossed a line by kicking my mother whe she was down (when isn't she?).

While I was home, after the blow-up, I had long talks with my Dad about BPD and

he seemed convinced that my Mom really did suffer from it.  When I couldn't

" fix " the situation with my Mom, though, he reverted back to taking her side and

blaming me for her current bout of misery.  He told me several times that my Mom

now considers me to be a pariah.  He never has any advice about what to do next,

nor does he do anything to reassure me that I'm a decent person who deserves a

little credit for how much she has cared and tried to help over the years.  My

Mom can be a very sweet and generous person, but as my sister says, she sure

does extract a heavy price from us for her generosity. 

>  

> I'm not able to tolerate long silences with my parents because they are

elderly and I do love them, but I just can't grovel for forgiveness. Any advice

about how to move forward would be much appreciated. Since I am overseas, I can

only be in phone or email contact with them. Thanks.

>

>

>