Re: went to see nada after 2yr NC and this is what response i got......*sigh*

[Guest guest]

Your brother, Z, sound as though he needs appreciation and acknowledgement. I

would reply with a simple and sincere thank you. Thank him for having been an

attentive son to his parents both NADA & Step-Dad. You can acknowledge you know

he has shouldered adult child responsibilities. Thank him for being neutral and

for giving you his very practical advice. I don't think you need to let him

know you found it overwhelming.

Try to look at his email in the best light. He is not saying you are wrong but

in light of you NADAs thought process he is trying to give you a suggested way

of minimizing hostility as you try to be there for your parents. If your NADA

was rational your support would be enough, but alas, she is not so what your

brother has written may work. Again, it could help to minimize her outburst.

At the least buy her some flowers to let her know you are thinking of her. If

she is anything like my NADA that will appease her for a week.

It sounds like she has been humiliated by your N/C. Keep in mind BPDs fear

being abandoned and in her mind your N/C is abandonment. Doesn't matter that

your N/C was a consequence and reaction to her behavior. BPDs cannot see that

far.

I can understand his 4 paragraphs to your brother, Y, as he is writing it

brother to brother as if to say, " I stuck it out with the parents, why couldn't

you? " . It sounds like he understands why you cut off contact. He may chalk it

up to a mother/ daughter thing.

Maybe he has had a chance to sort through his thoughts and feelings, and come to

terms with the thoughts and feelings that led to your decision of no contact.

His email sounds like he is grieving.

I sincerely wish you peace as you navigate through all of this. I know it is

not easy.

MyReality67

>

> Dear all, if anyone has been following my last couple of posts here is the

outcome an actual email from my older brother sent to me and both my younger

brother after attempting to make contact last night with my nada and stepdad

(as he has bowel cancer and has a short time time live)after she refused to pick

up our calls. We accidently bumped into our older borther at mcdonalds while we

were waiting to call again to see my nada. he was shocked to see us as we have

been estranged fom him the last 3 years. he was very neutral and suggested we

leave soon as my nada was coming soon to pick him up. as we left we saw her car

and i am certain she saw both of us. my older brother (who i sincerely believe)

is totoally enmeshed suggested if watned to see nada and stepdad we call in half

hour. we did not once but 4times and no answer but this email 2 hours later from

my older brother. X is me, y is my younger brother. let me know what your

thoughts are in this overwhemlming response. my brother and i just wanted be

able to :be there for our stepdad as he has not long to live and our nada for

some support as i am sure its a very hard time for her too . i feel blessed that

we were able to see him ALONE last week at the hospital and he was totally

gracious and welcomgin, his poor concern was what he would tell my nada....poor

thing having to worry about her whikle he has a short time to live. i really

didnt want to believe my nada would have a heart to use manipukation and use my

stepdad in this difficult time but i think i am wrong.,,,or that i totally going

crazy and need to do what is asked of me?!?! any comments are welcome and email

is below and my comments are in brackets. thankyou in advance

>

> if you notice i only got a paragraph while my brother got 4 !! he was always

the golden child while i was the scapegoat whats the best way to

respond......or not to...

>

>

>

>

>

> Hi x and y

>

>

> If I may, I'd like to give you some honest and sincere advice regarding your

wish to see stepdad and Mum.

> I am well aware of the messy and complicated nature of the problems and I'm

not here to get involved in its politics or whoever is right or wrong. However

you need to be realistic and practical here.

>

> X (me), if you really do wish to see stepdad and Mum and for sincere reasons,

then one simple thing needs to occur for you to have any chance of a response

from stepdad and Mum. I believe, at the very least, you will need to take back

or do something to directly show that you do not think that Mum is an abusive

mother. Now of course there are a whole number of other issues at play, but I

personally want nothing to do with them and as a human being and a realist, I

must tell you that this must happen if there's going to be any chance of a line

of communication opening. Please accept my best wishes for A, J and L's health

and happiness. (my 3 kids)

>

> Y, I thank you for approaching me and I thank you for your concern regarding

stepdad, though you must know that this is having a huge impact on Mum too, at

least stepdad is somewhat oblivious to the real challenge he faces beginning

chemotherapy.

>

> It would not had been a rational or proper thing for me to tell you that it

was disappointing for you to appear to show any concern or actually want to see

Mum (I'm not sure you wanted to) after these many years. Yes I realise how

difficult the whole situation may have been for you in the beginning of this

grossly pathetic saga, but I must be up front and say that in the end, no matter

how delicate, difficult, or complicated the situation was, I cannot understand

how a son would willingly refuse to see his own mother? Please, I'm not trying

to scold you or lecture or anything like that, but I'm talking as a brother. No

matter what the issues were, to any normal person it looks like to have

completely forgotten about your mother, not even a phone call for so many years?

Nor you or ANY authority on this earth or not has the right ask this. NO reasons

are valid. And what about stepdad? The poor guy didn't even have anything to do

with any of anything.

>

> I still remember the many times he took you shopping, always showed honest

love in his way, open pockets, open heart and the many other experiences which

I'm sure you haven't forgot. Finally, I have silently suffered. I went through

and successfully completed university under very difficult circumstances where I

had to consistantly visit Mum and stepdad so they knew that they at least had

one child. Being in the midst of such atmosphere is extremely daunting and

draining, but in the end I am a son. Didn't you ever miss the 2 dogs? one died a

few weeks ago from cancer, she died in front of mum's eyes. I can assure that it

was exactly the same as a human family member dying if not worse. She is laid to

rest in the backyard. the other is an incredibly aware, agile and intelligent

dog at the ripe old age of 15 1/2. He is suffering from arthritis but his

general health is very good.

>

> Y, you need to somehow show that you are sincere in your desire to see stepdad

and Mum. I know it sounds difficult but please understand that you can't expect

to suddenly appear after 3 or 4 years like nothing has happened. Both stepdad

and Mum have different thought processes than I do. stepdad is very simple and

Mum has a different outlook on things than I have. For stepdad it is abhorrently

heartbreaking and disturbing for you to suddenly show up when he is dying and

not when he was well. Something needs to be done to at least alleviate some of

the pain inside Mum and stepdad or seeing them would be a mistake. A simple and

honest sorry, a bunch of flowers, whatever honest. You don't have to start

socialising if you are that against knowing your parents but at least a sign of

respect and longing.

>

> Anything to show that you are sincere. I'm not trying to tell you what to do,

who am I? Please take my words as someone who purely means well, minus all ego,

minus any malice. Life is too short and time flies, we all die; the worst thing

is for one to live in regret. stepdad suddenly got cancer, he has around a year

to live, if lucky. Mum would be an unsurprising candidate too considering her

general health, smoking and stress levels.

>

> With the utmost sincerity and respect,

> z

>

[Guest guest]

That letter is a power play.

Your Brother Z is on his high horse and content to be the hub of communication.

He has taken it upon himself to tell you and brother Y his brilliant solution

for how you can come groveling back on hands and knees. It involves helping him

hold up his own fantasy that your mother is not now and never could have been

abusive in any way. He seems to feel superior that he has stuck by your mother's

side all this time and isn't going to let someone else swoop in and take away

his attention.

You do not need someone in the middle telling you how to make a choice. If you

want to approach your mother, you can do that directly without Brother Z

triangulating and guilt tripping you the whole time. If he truly doesn't want to

tell you what to do, then he wouldn't have sent that note.

You say being around your mother makes you ill, and I can understand that. You

don't have to do anything more than what you can handle. You don't have to be

her emotional support. She clearly has Brother Z for that and can reach out to

any number of people (pastors, friends, therapists) if she needs someone to lean

on. Grief brings up all kinds of feelings and I think it is understandable that

you would be feeling sorry for her and want to comfort her...but you do not have

to do that job unless you really feel good about it.

Sveta

[Guest guest]

thankss everyone. i have decided that to keep my distance. just a little of my

willing to be involved back into that dynamice has stirred quite dramatic

feelings of people in the family,. mainly my nada who at this time wants to

blame all her pain onto me. this is about my stepdad and i had a chance to see

hime once without her there thank goodness and my involvment is giong to be met

by conditions and things that i have to do to please her. thats not how i work

and i know she is using this difficult sad time to take advantage or try to get

what she wants from me which is pretty much sucking up to her and letting her

step all over me... and if i dont... continuing to poison how i am viewed with

the family. sick

>

> That letter is a power play.

>

> Your Brother Z is on his high horse and content to be the hub of

communication. He has taken it upon himself to tell you and brother Y his

brilliant solution for how you can come groveling back on hands and knees. It

involves helping him hold up his own fantasy that your mother is not now and

never could have been abusive in any way. He seems to feel superior that he has

stuck by your mother's side all this time and isn't going to let someone else

swoop in and take away his attention.

>

> You do not need someone in the middle telling you how to make a choice. If you

want to approach your mother, you can do that directly without Brother Z

triangulating and guilt tripping you the whole time. If he truly doesn't want to

tell you what to do, then he wouldn't have sent that note.

>

> You say being around your mother makes you ill, and I can understand that. You

don't have to do anything more than what you can handle. You don't have to be

her emotional support. She clearly has Brother Z for that and can reach out to

any number of people (pastors, friends, therapists) if she needs someone to lean

on. Grief brings up all kinds of feelings and I think it is understandable that

you would be feeling sorry for her and want to comfort her...but you do not have

to do that job unless you really feel good about it.

>

> Sveta

>