Another big milestone

[Guest guest]

As many of you know, I lost my husband to cancer last year. I also posted about

nadas atrocious behavior during the four days she was here for his memorial.

So on August 6th I made a decision to go back to school, which started this

week, on the 20th. In only 14 days I applied, got accepted, registered and

bought my books that were needed. During that time, my wedding anniversary

happened, the first one without my husband.

Right in the middle of my first week of classes, would have been dh's birthday,

again the first one without him. I called nada on Sunday and let her know about

my school schedule and just to chat, but she didn't answer. Right on my DH's

birthday, nada called while I was in school. Two things were apparent...she was

upset about something and had no clue that it was his birthday. Listening to

nada whine about all her pathetic little problems was just about the last thing

I wanted to do so I didn't call her back.

The next day was busy from the time my feet hit the floor til my head hit the

pillow again that night. I finally called her tonight, on my way to pick up

dinner and had to leave a voicemail. When she called me back five minutes later

I had to let her go to voicemail. When I listened to it, she was reading me the

riot act about how i never have time for her and just generally left this very

pissy message. I shouldn't have called her back after a message like that, but I

did. When she answered the phone, I just let her have it. She answered the

phone, I just said, " mom, do you realize that this was a rough week for me and

that I might not have wanted to talk to anyone when you called me on Wednesday.

Do you even realize it was my darling husbands birthday. " Big surprise, she

could not possibly acknowledge that I have my own needs, but instead started

attacking me about other stuff and generally making it ALL ABOUT HER! I could

see that she was just going to go on one of her rants about how I didn't treat

her right and I have wronged her, let me count the ways...and essentially trying

to drag up old shit that she and I will never agree on because her view of what

happened is warped by her own distorted reality. So I told her that I am not

going to listen to her drag up all this old crap and I am not going to try to

talk to her about it and that she will never see past her own point of view to

which she started trying to drag up even more old crap. I just threw up my hands

and said " you know mom, you are just being spiteful now and I'm not going to

listen to it, I love you, bye " click.

Sometimes, I think it is good to push back so they don't think that you are in

agreement with their twisted logic. Does that make sense?

I am so glad I can come here to just vent a bit about the weirdness that is my

life. Hugs to all my KO family. Life is, in spite of everythng, good. C

[Guest guest]

Hi C,

I am so sorry that you lost your husband.  And I know what it's like to lose a

husband and to survive the " first year " and the " first birthday " .  I am in the

same situation.  Although my DH died a while ago.  Your nada's behavior on

this day is horrible - even for a nada!

-Laraine

________________________________

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Sent: Friday, August 24, 2012 9:02 PM

Subject: Another big milestone

 

As many of you know, I lost my husband to cancer last year. I also posted about

nadas atrocious behavior during the four days she was here for his memorial.

So on August 6th I made a decision to go back to school, which started this

week, on the 20th. In only 14 days I applied, got accepted, registered and

bought my books that were needed. During that time, my wedding anniversary

happened, the first one without my husband.

Right in the middle of my first week of classes, would have been dh's birthday,

again the first one without him. I called nada on Sunday and let her know about

my school schedule and just to chat, but she didn't answer. Right on my DH's

birthday, nada called while I was in school. Two things were apparent...she was

upset about something and had no clue that it was his birthday. Listening to

nada whine about all her pathetic little problems was just about the last thing

I wanted to do so I didn't call her back.

The next day was busy from the time my feet hit the floor til my head hit the

pillow again that night. I finally called her tonight, on my way to pick up

dinner and had to leave a voicemail. When she called me back five minutes later

I had to let her go to voicemail. When I listened to it, she was reading me the

riot act about how i never have time for her and just generally left this very

pissy message. I shouldn't have called her back after a message like that, but I

did. When she answered the phone, I just let her have it. She answered the

phone, I just said, " mom, do you realize that this was a rough week for me and

that I might not have wanted to talk to anyone when you called me on Wednesday.

Do you even realize it was my darling husbands birthday. " Big surprise, she

could not possibly acknowledge that I have my own needs, but instead started

attacking me about other stuff and generally making it ALL ABOUT HER! I could

see that she was just going

to go on one of her rants about how I didn't treat her right and I have wronged

her, let me count the ways...and essentially trying to drag up old shit that she

and I will never agree on because her view of what happened is warped by her own

distorted reality. So I told her that I am not going to listen to her drag up

all this old crap and I am not going to try to talk to her about it and that she

will never see past her own point of view to which she started trying to drag up

even more old crap. I just threw up my hands and said " you know mom, you are

just being spiteful now and I'm not going to listen to it, I love you, bye "

click.

Sometimes, I think it is good to push back so they don't think that you are in

agreement with their twisted logic. Does that make sense?

I am so glad I can come here to just vent a bit about the weirdness that is my

life. Hugs to all my KO family. Life is, in spite of everythng, good. C

[Guest guest]

Laraine

Thanks. If you think that was bad, you would be completely overwhelmed by the

crap she pulled on me just 5 days after my husband passed away. I Think I titled

it " REALLY, you want to do this NOW? "

She, nada, has no clue how precariously close she came to having two children

that don't speak to her. My brother has been NC for over three years. I know

better than to expect any " normal " behavior from her, but when I turned it

around and read her the riot act about expecting me to be supportive of her on a

day I needed support, I think I did it to just give her one chance to apologize

and point out that her expectations were unreasonable as well as insensitive.

That she could only try harder make it all about her and completely ignore my

needs, was just more proof of how sick she is.

Thanks again, for understanding, and I am so sorry that you do. Loosing a spouse

is hard enough with mentally healthy people around to support you! C

>

> Hi C,

> I am so sorry that you lost your husband.  And I know what it's like to lose

a husband and to survive the " first year " and the " first birthday " .  I am in

the same situation.  Although my DH died a while ago.  Your nada's behavior on

this day is horrible - even for a nada!

> -Laraine

>

>

>

> ________________________________

> From: CmeBfree

> To: WTOAdultChildren1

> Sent: Friday, August 24, 2012 9:02 PM

> Subject: Another big milestone

>

>

>  

> As many of you know, I lost my husband to cancer last year. I also posted

about nadas atrocious behavior during the four days she was here for his

memorial.

>

> So on August 6th I made a decision to go back to school, which started this

week, on the 20th. In only 14 days I applied, got accepted, registered and

bought my books that were needed. During that time, my wedding anniversary

happened, the first one without my husband.

>

> Right in the middle of my first week of classes, would have been dh's

birthday, again the first one without him. I called nada on Sunday and let her

know about my school schedule and just to chat, but she didn't answer. Right on

my DH's birthday, nada called while I was in school. Two things were

apparent...she was upset about something and had no clue that it was his

birthday. Listening to nada whine about all her pathetic little problems was

just about the last thing I wanted to do so I didn't call her back.

>

> The next day was busy from the time my feet hit the floor til my head hit the

pillow again that night. I finally called her tonight, on my way to pick up

dinner and had to leave a voicemail. When she called me back five minutes later

I had to let her go to voicemail. When I listened to it, she was reading me the

riot act about how i never have time for her and just generally left this very

pissy message. I shouldn't have called her back after a message like that, but I

did. When she answered the phone, I just let her have it. She answered the

phone, I just said, " mom, do you realize that this was a rough week for me and

that I might not have wanted to talk to anyone when you called me on Wednesday.

Do you even realize it was my darling husbands birthday. " Big surprise, she

could not possibly acknowledge that I have my own needs, but instead started

attacking me about other stuff and generally making it ALL ABOUT HER! I could

see that she was just going

> to go on one of her rants about how I didn't treat her right and I have

wronged her, let me count the ways...and essentially trying to drag up old shit

that she and I will never agree on because her view of what happened is warped

by her own distorted reality. So I told her that I am not going to listen to her

drag up all this old crap and I am not going to try to talk to her about it and

that she will never see past her own point of view to which she started trying

to drag up even more old crap. I just threw up my hands and said " you know mom,

you are just being spiteful now and I'm not going to listen to it, I love you,

bye " click.

>

> Sometimes, I think it is good to push back so they don't think that you are in

agreement with their twisted logic. Does that make sense?

>

> I am so glad I can come here to just vent a bit about the weirdness that is my

life. Hugs to all my KO family. Life is, in spite of everythng, good. C

>

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Hi C,

I can relate to " crap " from nada after a husband's passing.  My nada did not

attend my husband's funeral.  She is the waif / witch type and would not get on

a plane.  So, I did not have " family " at my husband's memorial service b/c both

of our families were infected with BPD nadas.  

The one thing that would have been the most healing for me after my husband's

passing, would have been to have a nurturing mother to turn to to re-parent me.

 Instead, lots of wonderful priests, pastors and caring individuals entered my

life for the process.  But now, just as I'm as emotionally-recovered from my

husband's death as possible, now nada's demands are too much to deal with. 

This must be even more for you b/c I know what the first year is like with all

of the holidays as a newly widowed person. And, my husband's birthday, and our

anniversary were the most painful.  I can tell you, that it does get " better "

after the first year.  

At least we all have one another on this web site.  There are so many

similarities in what we're going through, with school....As you have seen, my

nada keeps telling me that she does not want me to finish school and to give up

my life to take care of her. yada yada yada, you know the rest.  

I think that you are tremendously strong doing as great as possible and your

husband wants the best for you.   I think that we should both disconnect our

phones....I actually unplugged mine today and it gave me great peace. 

I would be better off throwing myself in front of a bus than to go to nada.

 But I would never do that....You know what I mean....

Peace,

-L

________________________________

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Sent: Sunday, August 26, 2012 6:10 PM

Subject: Re: Another big milestone

 

Laraine

Thanks. If you think that was bad, you would be completely overwhelmed by the

crap she pulled on me just 5 days after my husband passed away. I Think I titled

it " REALLY, you want to do this NOW? "

She, nada, has no clue how precariously close she came to having two children

that don't speak to her. My brother has been NC for over three years. I know

better than to expect any " normal " behavior from her, but when I turned it

around and read her the riot act about expecting me to be supportive of her on a

day I needed support, I think I did it to just give her one chance to apologize

and point out that her expectations were unreasonable as well as insensitive.

That she could only try harder make it all about her and completely ignore my

needs, was just more proof of how sick she is.

Thanks again, for understanding, and I am so sorry that you do. Loosing a spouse

is hard enough with mentally healthy people around to support you! C

>

> Hi C,

> I am so sorry that you lost your husband.  And I know what it's like to

lose a husband and to survive the " first year " and the " first birthday " .  I

am in the same situation.  Although my DH died a while ago.  Your nada's

behavior on this day is horrible - even for a nada!

> -Laraine

>

>

>

> ________________________________

> From: CmeBfree

> To: WTOAdultChildren1

> Sent: Friday, August 24, 2012 9:02 PM

> Subject: Another big milestone

>

>

>  

> As many of you know, I lost my husband to cancer last year. I also posted

about nadas atrocious behavior during the four days she was here for his

memorial.

>

> So on August 6th I made a decision to go back to school, which started this

week, on the 20th. In only 14 days I applied, got accepted, registered and

bought my books that were needed. During that time, my wedding anniversary

happened, the first one without my husband.

>

> Right in the middle of my first week of classes, would have been dh's

birthday, again the first one without him. I called nada on Sunday and let her

know about my school schedule and just to chat, but she didn't answer. Right on

my DH's birthday, nada called while I was in school. Two things were

apparent...she was upset about something and had no clue that it was his

birthday. Listening to nada whine about all her pathetic little problems was

just about the last thing I wanted to do so I didn't call her back.

>

> The next day was busy from the time my feet hit the floor til my head hit the

pillow again that night. I finally called her tonight, on my way to pick up

dinner and had to leave a voicemail. When she called me back five minutes later

I had to let her go to voicemail. When I listened to it, she was reading me the

riot act about how i never have time for her and just generally left this very

pissy message. I shouldn't have called her back after a message like that, but I

did. When she answered the phone, I just let her have it. She answered the

phone, I just said, " mom, do you realize that this was a rough week for me and

that I might not have wanted to talk to anyone when you called me on Wednesday.

Do you even realize it was my darling husbands birthday. " Big surprise, she

could not possibly acknowledge that I have my own needs, but instead started

attacking me about other stuff and generally making it ALL ABOUT HER! I could

see that she was just going

> to go on one of her rants about how I didn't treat her right and I have

wronged her, let me count the ways...and essentially trying to drag up old shit

that she and I will never agree on because her view of what happened is warped

by her own distorted reality. So I told her that I am not going to listen to her

drag up all this old crap and I am not going to try to talk to her about it and

that she will never see past her own point of view to which she started trying

to drag up even more old crap. I just threw up my hands and said " you know mom,

you are just being spiteful now and I'm not going to listen to it, I love you,

bye " click.

>

> Sometimes, I think it is good to push back so they don't think that you are in

agreement with their twisted logic. Does that make sense?

>

> I am so glad I can come here to just vent a bit about the weirdness that is my

life. Hugs to all my KO family. Life is, in spite of everythng, good. C

>

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Hi Laraine,

My DH passed away the Saturday before the Thanksgiving holiday last year, so we

have already made it thru the three big holidays and his memorial was the day

before Thanksgiving last year, so his family and my nada were already here. We

spent Thanksgiving with DH's family. They may be difficult at times, but at

least they are mostly normal. The last three firsts we have left are, mine and

my sons first birthdays without him and of course, the anniversary of his death.

My nada made it obvious from the start that she would be no help, and the only

reason I even allowed her to come out for the memorial was because I knew it

would cause even worse problems down the line if I didn't. She was bad enough

when she was here that I regretted letting her come out, but I made a conscience

decision to do so.

Nada called yesterday and " apologized " for putting more pressure on me, but

naturally she couched it in terms of " it is only because I want to be a bigger

part of your life " which is code for, yes, I was unreasonable, according to you,

but if you were a better daughter you would be able to handle my demands so this

is really all your fault. I don't think she could give a genuine apology even if

her life depended on it.

C

>

> Hi C,

>

> I can relate to " crap " from nada after a husband's passing.  My nada did not

attend my husband's funeral.  She is the waif / witch type and would not get on

a plane.  So, I did not have " family " at my husband's memorial service b/c both

of our families were infected with BPD nadas.  

>

> The one thing that would have been the most healing for me after my husband's

passing, would have been to have a nurturing mother to turn to to re-parent me.

 Instead, lots of wonderful priests, pastors and caring individuals entered my

life for the process.  But now, just as I'm as emotionally-recovered from my

husband's death as possible, now nada's demands are too much to deal with. 

>

> This must be even more for you b/c I know what the first year is like with all

of the holidays as a newly widowed person. And, my husband's birthday, and our

anniversary were the most painful.  I can tell you, that it does get " better "

after the first year.  

>

> At least we all have one another on this web site.  There are so many

similarities in what we're going through, with school....As you have seen, my

nada keeps telling me that she does not want me to finish school and to give up

my life to take care of her. yada yada yada, you know the rest.  

>

> I think that you are tremendously strong doing as great as possible and your

husband wants the best for you.   I think that we should both disconnect our

phones....I actually unplugged mine today and it gave me great peace. 

>

> I would be better off throwing myself in front of a bus than to go to nada.

 But I would never do that....You know what I mean....

>

> Peace,

> -L

>

>

> ________________________________

> From: CmeBfree

> To: WTOAdultChildren1

> Sent: Sunday, August 26, 2012 6:10 PM

> Subject: Re: Another big milestone

>

>

>  

> Laraine

>

[Guest guest]

Hi C,

You are so blessed to have your DH's family and your sons.  And, it's " good "

(you know what I mean) that you made it through the holidays with the loving

support of family. You've almost made it through the " first year. "  I took the

first anniversary of my husband's death off from work and was quiet and saw my

priest.  I don't remember what nada said via the phone but I remember that she

was as sympathetic as possible.  

It's funny, but even though I have not seen her in 14 years since she tried to

turn my husband against me, after my husband's death, on the phone, she has been

more of a " mother " than I ever had. At first, she would try to control my

grieving and try to force me to snap out of it and what to feel. And then she

became more of a " mother " - although she would never allow me to see her -

unless I got a one-way ticket.  It's just a hard time for me b/c I don't have a

job, am in training with a grant and really don't have close friends. It would

be great to have family to return to, but I don't.  

-L

________________________________

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Sent: Monday, August 27, 2012 6:13 AM

Subject: Re: Another big milestone

 

Hi Laraine,

My DH passed away the Saturday before the Thanksgiving holiday last year, so we

have already made it thru the three big holidays and his memorial was the day

before Thanksgiving last year, so his family and my nada were already here. We

spent Thanksgiving with DH's family. They may be difficult at times, but at

least they are mostly normal. The last three firsts we have left are, mine and

my sons first birthdays without him and of course, the anniversary of his death.

My nada made it obvious from the start that she would be no help, and the only

reason I even allowed her to come out for the memorial was because I knew it

would cause even worse problems down the line if I didn't. She was bad enough

when she was here that I regretted letting her come out, but I made a conscience

decision to do so.

Nada called yesterday and " apologized " for putting more pressure on me, but

naturally she couched it in terms of " it is only because I want to be a bigger

part of your life " which is code for, yes, I was unreasonable, according to you,

but if you were a better daughter you would be able to handle my demands so this

is really all your fault. I don't think she could give a genuine apology even if

her life depended on it.

C

>

> Hi C,

>

> I can relate to " crap " from nada after a husband's passing.  My nada did

not attend my husband's funeral.  She is the waif / witch type and would not

get on a plane.  So, I did not have " family " at my husband's memorial service

b/c both of our families were infected with BPD nadas.  

>

> The one thing that would have been the most healing for me after my husband's

passing, would have been to have a nurturing mother to turn to to re-parent me.

 Instead, lots of wonderful priests, pastors and caring individuals entered

my life for the process.  But now, just as I'm as emotionally-recovered from

my husband's death as possible, now nada's demands are too much to deal

with. 

>

> This must be even more for you b/c I know what the first year is like with all

of the holidays as a newly widowed person. And, my husband's birthday, and our

anniversary were the most painful.  I can tell you, that it does get " better "

after the first year.  

>

> At least we all have one another on this web site.  There are so many

similarities in what we're going through, with school....As you have seen, my

nada keeps telling me that she does not want me to finish school and to give up

my life to take care of her. yada yada yada, you know the rest.  

>

> I think that you are tremendously strong doing as great as possible and your

husband wants the best for you.   I think that we should both disconnect our

phones....I actually unplugged mine today and it gave me great peace. 

>

> I would be better off throwing myself in front of a bus than to go to nada.

 But I would never do that....You know what I mean....

>

> Peace,

> -L

>

>

> ________________________________

> From: CmeBfree

> To: WTOAdultChildren1

> Sent: Sunday, August 26, 2012 6:10 PM

> Subject: Re: Another big milestone

>

>

>  

> Laraine

>

[Guest guest]

Hi L,

I think the healthy part of your psyche realizes that it would be very

counter-productive for you to resume a dependent child's role (emotionally), and

go live with your bpd mother again. But even though you realize intellectually

that moving back with your mother would be really unhealthy for you, you are

still yearning and craving for the connectedness and closeness of family even

though it would be a toxic, enmeshed, slave-like relationship in your case (as

you have described it in earlier posts.)

I hope you will think about reaching out and making friends that can eventually

become really close, trusted friends. It is possible to do that: to create a

" family of choice. " Its not easy or quick, but its possible When you do things

like join a church or other spiritual group, join a hobby or activity group or a

charity group or a political action group, etc., that gives you wonderful

opportunities to make new acquaintances who share your interests, some of which

can develop into friendships, and some of those can develop into really close

friendships. I hope you will think about giving yourself the opportunity to do

that. We human beings need connectedness with others, but it needs to be a

*healthy* connectedness.

-Annie

>

> Hi C,

>

> You are so blessed to have your DH's family and your sons.  And, it's " good "

(you know what I mean) that you made it through the holidays with the loving

support of family. You've almost made it through the " first year. "  I took the

first anniversary of my husband's death off from work and was quiet and saw my

priest.  I don't remember what nada said via the phone but I remember that she

was as sympathetic as possible.  

>

> It's funny, but even though I have not seen her in 14 years since she tried to

turn my husband against me, after my husband's death, on the phone, she has been

more of a " mother " than I ever had. At first, she would try to control my

grieving and try to force me to snap out of it and what to feel. And then she

became more of a " mother " - although she would never allow me to see her -

unless I got a one-way ticket.  It's just a hard time for me b/c I don't have a

job, am in training with a grant and really don't have close friends. It would

be great to have family to return to, but I don't.  

>

> -L

[Guest guest]

Hi Annie,

Thanks...That's so true.  I do belong to a wonderful church group and they are

loving and caring and we go out for coffee and chat.  The folks at this church

are a gift to be. However, there are not " single " people there who are

rebuilding their lives. And I go to yoga and we hang out and talk after, but

we're too sweaty to go out.  I think that I will revise my schedule and make an

effort to join more things.

I just phone nada to see how she is doing, and she's in a lot of sciatic pain

and she sounds terrible.  

I can't go " live " with her. 

But I want to be able to help her with her physical ailments.  

I am so grateful for all the loving support of everyone here.  I could spend

all day in our " virtual world " .

-L

________________________________

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Sent: Monday, August 27, 2012 8:21 AM

Subject: Re: Another big milestone

 

Hi L,

I think the healthy part of your psyche realizes that it would be very

counter-productive for you to resume a dependent child's role (emotionally), and

go live with your bpd mother again. But even though you realize intellectually

that moving back with your mother would be really unhealthy for you, you are

still yearning and craving for the connectedness and closeness of family even

though it would be a toxic, enmeshed, slave-like relationship in your case (as

you have described it in earlier posts.)

I hope you will think about reaching out and making friends that can eventually

become really close, trusted friends. It is possible to do that: to create a

" family of choice. " Its not easy or quick, but its possible When you do things

like join a church or other spiritual group, join a hobby or activity group or a

charity group or a political action group, etc., that gives you wonderful

opportunities to make new acquaintances who share your interests, some of which

can develop into friendships, and some of those can develop into really close

friendships. I hope you will think about giving yourself the opportunity to do

that. We human beings need connectedness with others, but it needs to be a

*healthy* connectedness.

-Annie

>

> Hi C,

>

> You are so blessed to have your DH's family and your sons.  And, it's

" good " (you know what I mean) that you made it through the holidays with the

loving support of family. You've almost made it through the " first year. "  I

took the first anniversary of my husband's death off from work and was quiet and

saw my priest.  I don't remember what nada said via the phone but I remember

that she was as sympathetic as possible.  

>

> It's funny, but even though I have not seen her in 14 years since she tried to

turn my husband against me, after my husband's death, on the phone, she has been

more of a " mother " than I ever had. At first, she would try to control my

grieving and try to force me to snap out of it and what to feel. And then she

became more of a " mother " - although she would never allow me to see her -

unless I got a one-way ticket.  It's just a hard time for me b/c I don't have

a job, am in training with a grant and really don't have close friends. It would

be great to have family to return to, but I don't.  

>

> -L

[Guest guest]

This must have been a stressful week for you...lots of milestones and new things

going on all at once. It's understandable that you would want a Mom right now.

It's too bad the woman who gave birth to you isn't capable of giving you the

kind of support you need.

I understand what you mean about pushing back...but I don't think it matters how

hard you push, they are going to think what they want of you. I think it helps

more to realize we can't control what they think and learn to let go of our need

to make them understand us. They will never be able to see that we have needs

and feelings of our own, because theirs are so overwhelming.

I hope you will look for ways to take extra good care of yourself this

week...maybe a massage or a pedicure or even a few extra minutes in the hot

shower. We have to nurture ourselves sometimes.

Hugs to you,

Sveta