went to see nada after 2yr NC and this is what response i got......*sigh*

[Guest guest]

Dear all, if anyone has been following my last couple of posts here is the

outcome an actual email from my older brother sent to me and both my younger

brother after attempting to make contact last night with my nada and stepdad

(as he has bowel cancer and has a short time time live)after she refused to pick

up our calls. We accidently bumped into our older borther at mcdonalds while we

were waiting to call again to see my nada. he was shocked to see us as we have

been estranged fom him the last 3 years. he was very neutral and suggested we

leave soon as my nada was coming soon to pick him up. as we left we saw her car

and i am certain she saw both of us. my older brother (who i sincerely believe)

is totoally enmeshed suggested if watned to see nada and stepdad we call in half

hour. we did not once but 4times and no answer but this email 2 hours later from

my older brother. X is me, y is my younger brother. let me know what your

thoughts are in this overwhemlming response. my brother and i just wanted be

able to :be there for our stepdad as he has not long to live and our nada for

some support as i am sure its a very hard time for her too . i feel blessed that

we were able to see him ALONE last week at the hospital and he was totally

gracious and welcomgin, his poor concern was what he would tell my nada....poor

thing having to worry about her whikle he has a short time to live. i really

didnt want to believe my nada would have a heart to use manipukation and use my

stepdad in this difficult time but i think i am wrong.,,,or that i totally going

crazy and need to do what is asked of me?!?! any comments are welcome and email

is below and my comments are in brackets. thankyou in advance

if you notice i only got a paragraph while my brother got 4 !! he was always the

golden child while i was the scapegoat whats the best way to respond......or

not to...

Hi x and y

If I may, I'd like to give you some honest and sincere advice regarding your

wish to see stepdad and Mum.

I am well aware of the messy and complicated nature of the problems and I'm not

here to get involved in its politics or whoever is right or wrong. However you

need to be realistic and practical here.

X (me), if you really do wish to see stepdad and Mum and for sincere reasons,

then one simple thing needs to occur for you to have any chance of a response

from stepdad and Mum. I believe, at the very least, you will need to take back

or do something to directly show that you do not think that Mum is an abusive

mother. Now of course there are a whole number of other issues at play, but I

personally want nothing to do with them and as a human being and a realist, I

must tell you that this must happen if there's going to be any chance of a line

of communication opening. Please accept my best wishes for A, J and L's health

and happiness. (my 3 kids)

Y, I thank you for approaching me and I thank you for your concern regarding

stepdad, though you must know that this is having a huge impact on Mum too, at

least stepdad is somewhat oblivious to the real challenge he faces beginning

chemotherapy.

It would not had been a rational or proper thing for me to tell you that it was

disappointing for you to appear to show any concern or actually want to see Mum

(I'm not sure you wanted to) after these many years. Yes I realise how difficult

the whole situation may have been for you in the beginning of this grossly

pathetic saga, but I must be up front and say that in the end, no matter how

delicate, difficult, or complicated the situation was, I cannot understand how a

son would willingly refuse to see his own mother? Please, I'm not trying to

scold you or lecture or anything like that, but I'm talking as a brother. No

matter what the issues were, to any normal person it looks like to have

completely forgotten about your mother, not even a phone call for so many years?

Nor you or ANY authority on this earth or not has the right ask this. NO reasons

are valid. And what about stepdad? The poor guy didn't even have anything to do

with any of anything.

I still remember the many times he took you shopping, always showed honest love

in his way, open pockets, open heart and the many other experiences which I'm

sure you haven't forgot. Finally, I have silently suffered. I went through and

successfully completed university under very difficult circumstances where I had

to consistantly visit Mum and stepdad so they knew that they at least had one

child. Being in the midst of such atmosphere is extremely daunting and draining,

but in the end I am a son. Didn't you ever miss the 2 dogs? one died a few weeks

ago from cancer, she died in front of mum's eyes. I can assure that it was

exactly the same as a human family member dying if not worse. She is laid to

rest in the backyard. the other is an incredibly aware, agile and intelligent

dog at the ripe old age of 15 1/2. He is suffering from arthritis but his

general health is very good.

Y, you need to somehow show that you are sincere in your desire to see stepdad

and Mum. I know it sounds difficult but please understand that you can't expect

to suddenly appear after 3 or 4 years like nothing has happened. Both stepdad

and Mum have different thought processes than I do. stepdad is very simple and

Mum has a different outlook on things than I have. For stepdad it is abhorrently

heartbreaking and disturbing for you to suddenly show up when he is dying and

not when he was well. Something needs to be done to at least alleviate some of

the pain inside Mum and stepdad or seeing them would be a mistake. A simple and

honest sorry, a bunch of flowers, whatever honest. You don't have to start

socialising if you are that against knowing your parents but at least a sign of

respect and longing.

Anything to show that you are sincere. I'm not trying to tell you what to do,

who am I? Please take my words as someone who purely means well, minus all ego,

minus any malice. Life is too short and time flies, we all die; the worst thing

is for one to live in regret. stepdad suddenly got cancer, he has around a year

to live, if lucky. Mum would be an unsurprising candidate too considering her

general health, smoking and stress levels.

With the utmost sincerity and respect,

z