Guest guest Posted August 26, 2012 Report Share Posted August 26, 2012 First of all, it is just amazing -- in both a good and bad way -- to keep reading all of your stories. I have never before (and I am 37 years old) spoken to anyone except my own sister who dealt with things like a mother threatening suicide/blaming it on them; or Doug, the hours you describe of begging to be loved and not left. As Beth said in her intro, I am so immensely relieved I am not alone, while also so sad that so many of us have lived through this stuff. I would agree with others about not bothering to confront a nada about inconsistencies. I definitely did it all the time before I realized my mom had BPD (which was only about a month ago) but since that discovery, I have realized how utterly pointless it all is. Tomandfran makes an excellent point that even mentally healthy people tend to remember events differently (eyewitness testimony in court is considered suspect in court these days for that reason, I think?) and a nada who is distorting events to suit her purposes? Forget it. In my family I am the damaged mentally ill fragile child. Yet I am a normally functioning adult maintaining my own household (full time job, two kids) now. Just living the truth is going to have to be enough for me. Beth, I don't know if this is helpful, but: what you describe about your nada sounds like the " waif " persona. (I *really* may need to be corrected here because I haven't actually read the Borderline Mother book -- thanks to college am nonetheless expert at commenting on what I haven't exactly read myself, ha -- but what I've heard here about the " waif " sounds EXACTLY like a particular facet of my own nada. So, I am wondering if others here can offer advice about how to deal with the waif business. I understand, I think, how to deal with the raging and have successfully ridden some of those waves. But the self-pitying whining nonsense, I don't know how to deal with THAT. Also Beth, email has actually really worked well for me in dealing with my nada because I feel so totally in control of when I choose to read/write and don't have to think up responses in the moment, like in a phone conversation. Good luck.... Leah Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 26, 2012 Report Share Posted August 26, 2012 Hi Badgerdog, My mom is a borderline waif / witch.  The only was that I can deal with her is by physical distance. I have not seen her in 14 years since she forced my late husband and I to cut our visit short when she tried to turn him against me since I did not make the bed the moment I awakened and b/c I bathed too much!  I chose my marriage.  After DH died, I have become " enmeshed " with nada b/c I've been speaking to her too much on the phone.  As posted, I am only allowed to visit her if I get a one-way ticket, sell my condo and quit school. For me, distance - physical and emotional - has been the only workable solution. And it's hard to watch an elderly parent physically deteriorate and know that " helping " them means the " death " of my life.  Ironically, it's more appealing for me to throw myself in front of a bus than to give up my life and my boundaries.  And I'm not going to throw myself in front of a bus, but you get the idea.  My mom used to threaten suicide on a daily basis when I was growing up.  And it was always my fault.  She's still here and making me have thoughts of oncoming buses, but I'm just going to live my life here fully! -L ________________________________ To: WTOAdultChildren1 Sent: Sunday, August 26, 2012 5:16 AM Subject: Another few responses  First of all, it is just amazing -- in both a good and bad way -- to keep reading all of your stories. I have never before (and I am 37 years old) spoken to anyone except my own sister who dealt with things like a mother threatening suicide/blaming it on them; or Doug, the hours you describe of begging to be loved and not left. As Beth said in her intro, I am so immensely relieved I am not alone, while also so sad that so many of us have lived through this stuff. I would agree with others about not bothering to confront a nada about inconsistencies. I definitely did it all the time before I realized my mom had BPD (which was only about a month ago) but since that discovery, I have realized how utterly pointless it all is. Tomandfran makes an excellent point that even mentally healthy people tend to remember events differently (eyewitness testimony in court is considered suspect in court these days for that reason, I think?) and a nada who is distorting events to suit her purposes? Forget it. In my family I am the damaged mentally ill fragile child. Yet I am a normally functioning adult maintaining my own household (full time job, two kids) now. Just living the truth is going to have to be enough for me. Beth, I don't know if this is helpful, but: what you describe about your nada sounds like the " waif " persona. (I *really* may need to be corrected here because I haven't actually read the Borderline Mother book -- thanks to college am nonetheless expert at commenting on what I haven't exactly read myself, ha -- but what I've heard here about the " waif " sounds EXACTLY like a particular facet of my own nada. So, I am wondering if others here can offer advice about how to deal with the waif business. I understand, I think, how to deal with the raging and have successfully ridden some of those waves. But the self-pitying whining nonsense, I don't know how to deal with THAT. Also Beth, email has actually really worked well for me in dealing with my nada because I feel so totally in control of when I choose to read/write and don't have to think up responses in the moment, like in a phone conversation. Good luck.... Leah Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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