Seeing things straight

[Guest guest]

My realization today is that both of my parents hated me and did everything they

could to destroy me. I always assumed I was seeing things in a little bit of

cockeyed way. Understanding that makes the world seem rightside up again.

I had a dream when I was a kid that my bpd sister (who was chronically jealous

of me) had her room redone in lavender, was given a canopy bed of the sort I had

always wanted, got a tether ball put in the backyard for her to play with, and

was given a pony. I just realized everything but the pony was something that

actually happened. She was indulged while I was neglected. I'm not sure I'm

jealous of her, but it would have been hard for me not to notice the disparity,

as I was abused in the worst possible ways.

It's enormously freeing.

[Guest guest]

(((((Ashana)))))

It can be simultaneously devastating, cathartic, and healthy to gain a new

perspective on the history or pattern of parental behaviors and see the

behaviors for what they really are: abnormal and abusive, from a more

emotionally distant, safe and protected point of view.

I think it varies from person to person, KO to KO; some bpd parents are capable

of loving their children, but some are not capable of loving their child (or

anyone, really), and instead actually resent or hate their own children, or

focus their hate on one particular child. This negative regard can be blatant,

or covert.

I think its about the most crazy-making situation possible for a dependent child

to chronically be *treated* and *spoken to* in a rejecting, denigrating,

shaming, belittling, hostile, harsh, physically punitive manner but *told* " its

because I love you " ... and/or because " you deserve it. "

I grew up being afraid of " love " , because in my world " love " meant being treated

kindly sometimes but at other, unpredictable times being inexplicably

emotionally or physically attacked: terrorized and punished for no known reason

by the person I depended on the most and needed the most. My mother was my

tormentor and savior in one; I became trauma-bonded to her in the same way that

hostages trauma-bond to their captors.

So, I'm sending you hugs for your continued insights, growth, peace and healing.

-Annie

>

> My realization today is that both of my parents hated me and did everything

they could to destroy me. I always assumed I was seeing things in a little bit

of cockeyed way. Understanding that makes the world seem rightside up again.

>

> I had a dream when I was a kid that my bpd sister (who was chronically jealous

of me) had her room redone in lavender, was given a canopy bed of the sort I had

always wanted, got a tether ball put in the backyard for her to play with, and

was given a pony. I just realized everything but the pony was something that

actually happened. She was indulged while I was neglected. I'm not sure I'm

jealous of her, but it would have been hard for me not to notice the disparity,

as I was abused in the worst possible ways.

>

> It's enormously freeing.

>

[Guest guest]

Good for you Ashana!

It's a major breakthrough when you learn to believe in you're own perception. I

think it's the key to becoming free from the abuse, because emotional abusers

like BPD parents embed in us the belief WE are the crazy ones.

Keep developing that muscle of trusting yourself (and expect your family to

absolutely refute it...remember BPD is all about denial of reality). You are

empowering yourself, which makes you a victim no more.

Way to go!

> >

> > My realization today is that both of my parents hated me and did everything

they could to destroy me. I always assumed I was seeing things in a little bit

of cockeyed way. Understanding that makes the world seem rightside up again.

> >

> > I had a dream when I was a kid that my bpd sister (who was chronically

jealous of me) had her room redone in lavender, was given a canopy bed of the

sort I had always wanted, got a tether ball put in the backyard for her to play

with, and was given a pony. I just realized everything but the pony was

something that actually happened. She was indulged while I was neglected. I'm

not sure I'm jealous of her, but it would have been hard for me not to notice

the disparity, as I was abused in the worst possible ways.

> >

> > It's enormously freeing.

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Hi Ashana,

What an incredibly freeing, and also devastating feeling it is. I hope you have

some good supportive allies to help you work through each strange feeling.

I remember very specifically the day, even the moment I had that same

realization. At the same time, I realized something absolutely beautiful. The

horrible, scary, sad and lonely world I believed existed around me was just as

untrue as the " love " I thought my nada had for me. In reality, the world is

quite beautiful, mostly safe, loving and kind. The more I seperate from my

nada, the more I realize this to be true. Simultaneously, I realize more and

more how absuive and terrible she was, and that the scary stuff was all her.

They can suck us in and try hard to keep us in their twisted worlds, but

eventually the light shines in and we can see them for the sad, and desperate

liars they really are.

*hugs* Keep realizing! It is such a wonderful thing!

-Jets

>

> My realization today is that both of my parents hated me and did everything

they could to destroy me. I always assumed I was seeing things in a little bit

of cockeyed way. Understanding that makes the world seem rightside up again.

>

> I had a dream when I was a kid that my bpd sister (who was chronically jealous

of me) had her room redone in lavender, was given a canopy bed of the sort I had

always wanted, got a tether ball put in the backyard for her to play with, and

was given a pony. I just realized everything but the pony was something that

actually happened. She was indulged while I was neglected. I'm not sure I'm

jealous of her, but it would have been hard for me not to notice the disparity,

as I was abused in the worst possible ways.

>

> It's enormously freeing.

>

[Guest guest]

Ashanna, Annie,

Thank you both for sharing. In reading your words I keep hearing W.O.W. ring in

my head. Just W.O.W. I, too, have experienced what you laid out. And now

that I have new insight, I feel like I have been walking blind for the first 45

years.

Annie, as I read your words, I smacked my head thinking of course what I

experienced was being a hostage to my nada's mood swings and behaviors. And to

this day, I c high and durable walls when it comes to loving and receiving love

from others. When my mother tells me she loves me it sends chills through me.

As an adolescent, her " I love yous " we often followed by hostility.

Peace & Blessings,

MyReality

> >

> > My realization today is that both of my parents hated me and did everything

they could to destroy me. I always assumed I was seeing things in a little bit

of cockeyed way. Understanding that makes the world seem rightside up again.

> >

> > I had a dream when I was a kid that my bpd sister (who was chronically

jealous of me) had her room redone in lavender, was given a canopy bed of the

sort I had always wanted, got a tether ball put in the backyard for her to play

with, and was given a pony. I just realized everything but the pony was

something that actually happened. She was indulged while I was neglected. I'm

not sure I'm jealous of her, but it would have been hard for me not to notice

the disparity, as I was abused in the worst possible ways.

> >

> > It's enormously freeing.

> >

>

[Guest guest]

It is sad that our mums aren't loving and nuturing. I have found untreated BPDs

to convey the message, I love you, come closer so I can slap you. Boy, that

slap has stung me too many times. I am not willing to go through it anymore. I

have found that are too many folks out that that say I love you, come closer so

I can hug you! Choosing to hang out with the latter is where I want to be.

Sometimes my codendency sucks me into the unhealthy circles and there is where

my work lies, deciphering why I keep going back to get slapped when sane people

won't go there. It is an on going journey for me to see why I keep seeking out

unhealthy people and letting them abuse me. Dealing with all this has changed

my relationships in general and I have found that some folks, besides the BPD,

don't like it. I have to leave their lives in God's hands and not be

codependent anymore. I am not God and can't cure what ails another person.

> > >

> > > My realization today is that both of my parents hated me and did

everything they could to destroy me. I always assumed I was seeing things in a

little bit of cockeyed way. Understanding that makes the world seem rightside

up again.

> > >

> > > I had a dream when I was a kid that my bpd sister (who was chronically

jealous of me) had her room redone in lavender, was given a canopy bed of the

sort I had always wanted, got a tether ball put in the backyard for her to play

with, and was given a pony. I just realized everything but the pony was

something that actually happened. She was indulged while I was neglected. I'm

not sure I'm jealous of her, but it would have been hard for me not to notice

the disparity, as I was abused in the worst possible ways.

> > >

> > > It's enormously freeing.

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Fran,

Yes, it is sad and their parenting has far & wide reaching consequences.

I too need to learn not to be codependent, and continue to fine tune my " spidey

sense " of identifying people who exhibit unhealthy love sooner. I also need to

learn how to accept love from genuinely loving people who want to be supportive

of me.

MyReality67

> > > >

> > > > My realization today is that both of my parents hated me and did

everything they could to destroy me. I always assumed I was seeing things in a

little bit of cockeyed way. Understanding that makes the world seem rightside

up again.

> > > >

> > > > I had a dream when I was a kid that my bpd sister (who was chronically

jealous of me) had her room redone in lavender, was given a canopy bed of the

sort I had always wanted, got a tether ball put in the backyard for her to play

with, and was given a pony. I just realized everything but the pony was

something that actually happened. She was indulged while I was neglected. I'm

not sure I'm jealous of her, but it would have been hard for me not to notice

the disparity, as I was abused in the worst possible ways.

> > > >

> > > > It's enormously freeing.

> > > >

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Thanks for the hugs.

What's freeing about it is that it's the truth, and growing up with disordered

people involves being surrounded by a web of lies.

If how I perceived things at the time is, in fact, fairly accurate, then I am in

a position to move forward. It's not that the world is a beautiful, safe place.

It isn't. A student in the high school where I teach was stabbed 3 times on the

first day of school, and there's a serial rapist who has been active in

neighborhoods surrounding where I live for years without being caught who preys

on women women waiting for the bus to work or school, just as I do every

morning. But if you know which way is up, you are in a much better position to

act.

I think what may be unusual about my position is that the abuse I suffered as a

child as a result of my parents' disordered minds was carried out by other

people in addition to just my parents. I will never be able to think it was

kind of one-off situation, where it's really just my parents who are evil. I

have seen the absolutely worst side of human nature.

I think the truth is the world is a complex place that as adults we often have

choices about.

Thanks again,

Ashana

[Guest guest]

Annie,

Thanks for the hugs as well.

It really isn't a new perspective, so much as realizing the understanding I had

of the situation at 4 or 5 years old was substantially correct.

I don't remember too many " I love yous. " What I remember is the physical danger

of knowing and articulating the truth from my perspective. " That hurts, " could

lead to deadly consequences. I do recall being belittled, but it's really the

repeated brushes with death that have made it so hard to come to grips with

things as they are: Thinking and feeling seem excruciatingly risky. Being

honest with myself about what happened and what I thought and felt about it

wasn't so much confusing as forbidden.

What was confusing to me was the things I had to say and do and feel in order to

avoid being assaulted or murdered.

I think in many ways our experiences are fundamentally different from yours,

although they were both pretty awful. I don't feel now and have trouble

recalling having ever had any sense of a bond with my parents--not even a trauma

bond. I think this is partly because that sense of attachment is suppressed,

but I also think it's because I stopped expecting nurturing or protection from

them from an extremely young age. I knew they weren't capable of it.

I don't recall ever turning to them for protection or comfort. I don't recall

ever showing them anything or doing anything for them with the expectation that

I would please them or that they would be proud of me. I did not understand

children who were constantly saying, " Mom, look at me! Look at me! " I did

notice they did.

The anguish I recall feeling is never that my parents were not there to protect

or comfort me, but that no one was there. I didn't look to them for something

they rejected me for. The thing I wanted didn't exist.

Thanks again,

Ashana