Men of BPD Moms, I need your advice.

[Guest guest]

My best friend of 10 years is in a really tough place. She's been married for

five years to a man with a BPD Queen-mother (he's 50 years old). He's never

dealt with his emotional stuff. He just constantly complains about his mom. I've

tried encouraging him to at least read on BPD, but he's more interested in just

complaining than dealing with it.

After several years now, his BPD-tendencies have really affected their marriage.

He's ridiculously controlling about money, constantly complains about having too

much on his plate all the time, and stresses over every little thing (even doing

his own laundry!). Part of his unhappiness, we believe, is because he's been

unemployed for several years (he's in a very specified, professionally

competitive field). He helps with her family's business, but of course hates it.

Anyways my friend has her own successful business and a ton of great family

support (they all live here). But over the years she has grown more and more

unhappy because of the marriage. Now she wants children at 42 years old, but

has been hesitant because he acts like a child himself. He's neutral about

having a child. She's started admitting to me she often questions her marriage,

because she swears he is incapable of change.

Well...my friend's husband finally has a job offer...in northern Canada (4,000

miles away)! He's relieved, but not excited about the idea of moving. She's

miserable about it, but hopes it will make their marriage better. Because she

hopes him having a job will make him more emotionally balanced (and even ready

to start a family).

While I respect her commitment to the marriage, over the years the only solution

she's learned that keeps some level of peace between them is for her to be

silent and just compromise herself. He doesn't understand why she even thinks

something is wrong with the marriage! My friend says it's because their

relationship is almost just like his mother's marriage.

So guys...do you think there is hope in this situation for him to be a healthier

husband if they move? Knowing he's in denial of his emotional problems, I don't

see how a job is going to make things better (at least for the long run). But

maybe my female perspective is off here.

What do you guys think?

Thanks!

[Guest guest]

I think this is up to your friend to work out what she wants. If she wants to

move with him to Canada in hopes that a job is all he was missing (I presume he

was the same way before he was unemployed, though), then that's her choice. If

he wants to whine and complain and does not see a need to change, that's his.

This will sound blunt, but I'm wondering how you are so emotionally involved in

someone else's personal decisions. Many of us (*me, ahem*)have a co-dependent

need to help and fix...it might be better in this instance to stay out of it and

let your friend research her own solutions if she wants to. You don't have to

have advice for her.

I do understand it would hurt to have her move far away from you though. Is that

maybe part of what's bothering you?

Sveta

[Guest guest]

Hi Sveta,

Thanks for writing. I did not write this to pass on advice to my friend on

her marriage. That would be really invasive.

I'm just really concerned for her. So I'm just asking to see if any men can

give me a little perspective who has a BPD mom. So maybe I can worry a

little less.

I suspect a lot of guys are just going to respond, " I don't know, " but I

thought it wouldn't hurt to ask.

Thanks

> **

>

>

> I think this is up to your friend to work out what she wants. If she wants

> to move with him to Canada in hopes that a job is all he was missing (I

> presume he was the same way before he was unemployed, though), then that's

> her choice. If he wants to whine and complain and does not see a need to

> change, that's his.

>

> This will sound blunt, but I'm wondering how you are so emotionally

> involved in someone else's personal decisions. Many of us (*me, ahem*)have

> a co-dependent need to help and fix...it might be better in this instance

> to stay out of it and let your friend research her own solutions if she

> wants to. You don't have to have advice for her.

>

> I do understand it would hurt to have her move far away from you though.

> Is that maybe part of what's bothering you?

>

> Sveta

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Sorry if I misread you.

The man is 50. He's old enough to have his own pattern of behavior and whether

his mother had bpd is irrelevant at this point. The best predictor of future

behavior is past behavior. If he has been a jackass up to now, he'll still be

one even in Canada. He sounds like a Narcissist.

My point is that if your friend wants to use wishful thinking and pretend things

will be different, you cant really stop her. It's natural that you would be

concerned for her and I do understand that. I think I'm having trouble

articulating that it might bee good to look out for yourself here too...your own

background and issues might have you more emotionally involved in this situation

than is healthy for you.

Are you feeling unheard by your friend? Wishing you could save her some

heartache? What will you do if she decides to move?

Hope you will get the responses you are looking for...at this point I dont think

his gender or the fact his mother had a pd are the controlling factors here. He

is the variable, he is the one who chooses how he is going to be.

>

> My best friend of 10 years is in a really tough place. She's been married for

five years to a man with a BPD Queen-mother (he's 50 years old). He's never

dealt with his emotional stuff. He just constantly complains about his mom. I've

tried encouraging him to at least read on BPD, but he's more interested in just

complaining than dealing with it.

>

> After several years now, his BPD-tendencies have really affected their

marriage. He's ridiculously controlling about money, constantly complains about

having too much on his plate all the time, and stresses over every little thing

(even doing his own laundry!). Part of his unhappiness, we believe, is because

he's been unemployed for several years (he's in a very specified, professionally

competitive field). He helps with her family's business, but of course hates it.

>

> Anyways my friend has her own successful business and a ton of great family

support (they all live here). But over the years she has grown more and more

unhappy because of the marriage. Now she wants children at 42 years old, but

has been hesitant because he acts like a child himself. He's neutral about

having a child. She's started admitting to me she often questions her marriage,

because she swears he is incapable of change.

>

> Well...my friend's husband finally has a job offer...in northern Canada (4,000

miles away)! He's relieved, but not excited about the idea of moving. She's

miserable about it, but hopes it will make their marriage better. Because she

hopes him having a job will make him more emotionally balanced (and even ready

to start a family).

>

> While I respect her commitment to the marriage, over the years the only

solution she's learned that keeps some level of peace between them is for her to

be silent and just compromise herself. He doesn't understand why she even thinks

something is wrong with the marriage! My friend says it's because their

relationship is almost just like his mother's marriage.

>

> So guys...do you think there is hope in this situation for him to be a

healthier husband if they move? Knowing he's in denial of his emotional

problems, I don't see how a job is going to make things better (at least for the

long run). But maybe my female perspective is off here.

>

> What do you guys think?

>

> Thanks!

>