Need to express...

[Guest guest]

Where do i start...this week has been an emotional draining for me to

say the least and i need to vent..here

All the times you rejected me, humiliated and abused me it was me that

came back swallowing my pride to say i am sorry first. I daydream about

you oneday saying " sorry " to me..... for the first time.

You are still blaming me for your pain and blackening my name to those i

once called family. you are spiralling out of control trying to bring me

down yet you do not see that you are poisoning yourself whilst you are.

Not once did you consider my feelings or what i felt inside...instead

you ripped my feelings apart screaming right in front of me while you

did it.

The yearning i had for you to be close to me, to want to be around me

and not make it about yourself but me for once...never happened.I try

hard to remember some good memories we had together but i get

overwhelmed by all the negative ones that drown the one or two good

memories i have of you. How i always wished to go to the movies with

you...i think it happened once.

You broke my heart, yet now i dont blame you for anything. You are ailed

by a dangerous illness which i would not wish upon anyone...you are

afflicted with so much pain that all you can do is to destroy things

around you or bring those that have chosen to walk away down. It wont

work anymore...i see you. It pains me that i cannot to anything but

watch you tear yourself apart, screaming my name.

To protect my emotional sanity i need to keep my distance and i know if

you werent ailed by this illness you would want me to also keep away

from you too. Sometimes i wonder what i did to deserve a mother that

didnt know the meaning of unconditional love, than i have to remind

myself that you have taught me resiliece, empathy, silence, courage and

the ability to finally not be fearful of you.

I feel powerful at times yes as i am discovering myself and learning to

love myself. But i also at times like this feel helpless, defeated and

sad...that i can't do anything but to protect myself now. For the first

time in my life i am putting ME first...not you. There are times I feel

guilty for doing that, but i kind like the idea of this change. I will

always love you but i do not have to tolerate how you treat me...never

again.

I know in this earthly life you will probably never understand why i

suddenly stopped running after you. But i am hopeful in the next life

you will see.

[Guest guest]

Sending you hugs (((((m))))). That was so well expressed, and so moving; it

really resonated with me. Your experience and feelings are very like my own.

You are not alone. And in time you will heal.

-Annie

>

>

> Where do i start...this week has been an emotional draining for me to

> say the least and i need to vent..here

>

> All the times you rejected me, humiliated and abused me it was me that

> came back swallowing my pride to say i am sorry first. I daydream about

> you oneday saying " sorry " to me..... for the first time.

>

> You are still blaming me for your pain and blackening my name to those i

> once called family. you are spiralling out of control trying to bring me

> down yet you do not see that you are poisoning yourself whilst you are.

> Not once did you consider my feelings or what i felt inside...instead

> you ripped my feelings apart screaming right in front of me while you

> did it.

>

> The yearning i had for you to be close to me, to want to be around me

> and not make it about yourself but me for once...never happened.I try

> hard to remember some good memories we had together but i get

> overwhelmed by all the negative ones that drown the one or two good

> memories i have of you. How i always wished to go to the movies with

> you...i think it happened once.

>

> You broke my heart, yet now i dont blame you for anything. You are ailed

> by a dangerous illness which i would not wish upon anyone...you are

> afflicted with so much pain that all you can do is to destroy things

> around you or bring those that have chosen to walk away down. It wont

> work anymore...i see you. It pains me that i cannot to anything but

> watch you tear yourself apart, screaming my name.

>

> To protect my emotional sanity i need to keep my distance and i know if

> you werent ailed by this illness you would want me to also keep away

> from you too. Sometimes i wonder what i did to deserve a mother that

> didnt know the meaning of unconditional love, than i have to remind

> myself that you have taught me resiliece, empathy, silence, courage and

> the ability to finally not be fearful of you.

>

> I feel powerful at times yes as i am discovering myself and learning to

> love myself. But i also at times like this feel helpless, defeated and

> sad...that i can't do anything but to protect myself now. For the first

> time in my life i am putting ME first...not you. There are times I feel

> guilty for doing that, but i kind like the idea of this change. I will

> always love you but i do not have to tolerate how you treat me...never

> again.

>

> I know in this earthly life you will probably never understand why i

> suddenly stopped running after you. But i am hopeful in the next life

> you will see.

>

[Guest guest]

thankyou annie, for your input. i felt better after i had typed that.

you have been a wealth of advice and wisdome regarding bpd to this forum

and i really appreciate that. I believe your nada passed away...i

apologise if i am mistaken. if its okay to ask did you ever make peace

with her before she passed away...as in were you ever able to express

yourself. Please disregard if this is too personal and painful. the

reason i ask is during this hard time where my stepdad has cnacer and

has max one year to live i believe my nada has hit rock bottom and an

attempt to see her and him consisteed on her putting conditions on me

again so i just back off as i didnt want to be the center of drama as i

belive this my stepdads time. i am grateful that i had that chance just

with him one on one without anyone here luckily a couple of weeks ago.

what i am trying to get at (Sorry if this is longwinded) is that

sometimes i get tempted to just send an email to nada especailly during

this very difficult time for her that i will always lvoe her...not sure

if thats a bad idea or not but i sense behind the witch queen that she

is , she is a avery insecure person who doesnt like herself and one

condition was for me to convince her that i didnt think she was an

abusve mother?! i would never justify myself to her but i just want to

know that she is loved?? i dont if i am totally losing or if this

totally out of place...anyways thanks again for your input as always

> >

> >

> > Where do i start...this week has been an emotional draining for me

to

> > say the least and i need to vent..here

> >

> > All the times you rejected me, humiliated and abused me it was me

that

> > came back swallowing my pride to say i am sorry first. I daydream

about

> > you oneday saying " sorry " to me..... for the first time.

> >

> > You are still blaming me for your pain and blackening my name to

those i

> > once called family. you are spiralling out of control trying to

bring me

> > down yet you do not see that you are poisoning yourself whilst you

are.

> > Not once did you consider my feelings or what i felt

inside...instead

> > you ripped my feelings apart screaming right in front of me while

you

> > did it.

> >

> > The yearning i had for you to be close to me, to want to be around

me

> > and not make it about yourself but me for once...never happened.I

try

> > hard to remember some good memories we had together but i get

> > overwhelmed by all the negative ones that drown the one or two good

> > memories i have of you. How i always wished to go to the movies with

> > you...i think it happened once.

> >

> > You broke my heart, yet now i dont blame you for anything. You are

ailed

> > by a dangerous illness which i would not wish upon anyone...you are

> > afflicted with so much pain that all you can do is to destroy things

> > around you or bring those that have chosen to walk away down. It

wont

> > work anymore...i see you. It pains me that i cannot to anything but

> > watch you tear yourself apart, screaming my name.

> >

> > To protect my emotional sanity i need to keep my distance and i know

if

> > you werent ailed by this illness you would want me to also keep away

> > from you too. Sometimes i wonder what i did to deserve a mother that

> > didnt know the meaning of unconditional love, than i have to remind

> > myself that you have taught me resiliece, empathy, silence, courage

and

> > the ability to finally not be fearful of you.

> >

> > I feel powerful at times yes as i am discovering myself and learning

to

> > love myself. But i also at times like this feel helpless, defeated

and

> > sad...that i can't do anything but to protect myself now. For the

first

> > time in my life i am putting ME first...not you. There are times I

feel

> > guilty for doing that, but i kind like the idea of this change. I

will

> > always love you but i do not have to tolerate how you treat

me...never

> > again.

> >

> > I know in this earthly life you will probably never understand why i

> > suddenly stopped running after you. But i am hopeful in the next

life

> > you will see.

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Hi M,

You are remembering right, my nada did pass away last Christmas. I didn't make

peace with my nada in the way I think that you are wanting to with your nada,

because the last time I visited my nada she was in hospice, had increasingly

severe dementia and was pretty out of it because of the anti-psychotic meds and

tranquilizing meds (she had a tendency to be physically violent), so I'm not

sure she even realized that it was me visiting her.

During those last visits, my nada was pleasant but kind of vague and she never

did say my name. But I was able to spend some time with her, bring her some

treats, tell her that I loved her. I played her some music and gave her a

little bit of a pedicure. We all sang some Christmas carols. She passed away

about three days after I returned home, across country.

I had been conditioned over decades to just NOT say anything negative or

critical to nada about herself, or she would erupt into rage or hysterics. Or

both. I couldn't even tell her to her face that I was going No Contact with

her. Instead I wrote a very brief, mild letter saying that I supported her in

her decision to go into therapy, but that I needed some time to myself: a " time

out " to work on some issues of my own and I would let her know when I was ready

to get back in touch with her again. I didn't say that I intended my No

Contact to be permanent, that I was done and couldn't take it anymore. Even as

an adult, a middle-aged adult, I was still afraid of her rage.

So, after a couple of years of nearly total No Contact, about a year and a half

before nada died I did see her with Sister at a family function over a two-day

period and she behaved herself pretty well. Then I saw her for about a week

when she was in hospice, and that was it. I guess I felt like I'd had my

closure and had already done my mourning and grieving years earlier.

-Annie

> > >

> > >

> > > Where do i start...this week has been an emotional draining for me

> to

> > > say the least and i need to vent..here

> > >

> > > All the times you rejected me, humiliated and abused me it was me

> that

> > > came back swallowing my pride to say i am sorry first. I daydream

> about

> > > you oneday saying " sorry " to me..... for the first time.

> > >

> > > You are still blaming me for your pain and blackening my name to

> those i

> > > once called family. you are spiralling out of control trying to

> bring me

> > > down yet you do not see that you are poisoning yourself whilst you

> are.

> > > Not once did you consider my feelings or what i felt

> inside...instead

> > > you ripped my feelings apart screaming right in front of me while

> you

> > > did it.

> > >

> > > The yearning i had for you to be close to me, to want to be around

> me

> > > and not make it about yourself but me for once...never happened.I

> try

> > > hard to remember some good memories we had together but i get

> > > overwhelmed by all the negative ones that drown the one or two good

> > > memories i have of you. How i always wished to go to the movies with

> > > you...i think it happened once.

> > >

> > > You broke my heart, yet now i dont blame you for anything. You are

> ailed

> > > by a dangerous illness which i would not wish upon anyone...you are

> > > afflicted with so much pain that all you can do is to destroy things

> > > around you or bring those that have chosen to walk away down. It

> wont

> > > work anymore...i see you. It pains me that i cannot to anything but

> > > watch you tear yourself apart, screaming my name.

> > >

> > > To protect my emotional sanity i need to keep my distance and i know

> if

> > > you werent ailed by this illness you would want me to also keep away

> > > from you too. Sometimes i wonder what i did to deserve a mother that

> > > didnt know the meaning of unconditional love, than i have to remind

> > > myself that you have taught me resiliece, empathy, silence, courage

> and

> > > the ability to finally not be fearful of you.

> > >

> > > I feel powerful at times yes as i am discovering myself and learning

> to

> > > love myself. But i also at times like this feel helpless, defeated

> and

> > > sad...that i can't do anything but to protect myself now. For the

> first

> > > time in my life i am putting ME first...not you. There are times I

> feel

> > > guilty for doing that, but i kind like the idea of this change. I

> will

> > > always love you but i do not have to tolerate how you treat

> me...never

> > > again.

> > >

> > > I know in this earthly life you will probably never understand why i

> > > suddenly stopped running after you. But i am hopeful in the next

> life

> > > you will see.

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

i like you also have gone through the grieving process and i guess i would never

tell her how i truly feel as thats a danger zone with her bpd. i would be happy

with just telling her that i love her. knowing her extreme acts i would not be

one bit surprised (hurt yes) if she wrote in her will that me and my also nc bro

would not be allowed at her funeral...oh well i guess will come to that bridge

when it needs to be crossed.thankyou again annie.

> > > >

> > > >

> > > > Where do i start...this week has been an emotional draining for me

> > to

> > > > say the least and i need to vent..here

> > > >

> > > > All the times you rejected me, humiliated and abused me it was me

> > that

> > > > came back swallowing my pride to say i am sorry first. I daydream

> > about

> > > > you oneday saying " sorry " to me..... for the first time.

> > > >

> > > > You are still blaming me for your pain and blackening my name to

> > those i

> > > > once called family. you are spiralling out of control trying to

> > bring me

> > > > down yet you do not see that you are poisoning yourself whilst you

> > are.

> > > > Not once did you consider my feelings or what i felt

> > inside...instead

> > > > you ripped my feelings apart screaming right in front of me while

> > you

> > > > did it.

> > > >

> > > > The yearning i had for you to be close to me, to want to be around

> > me

> > > > and not make it about yourself but me for once...never happened.I

> > try

> > > > hard to remember some good memories we had together but i get

> > > > overwhelmed by all the negative ones that drown the one or two good

> > > > memories i have of you. How i always wished to go to the movies with

> > > > you...i think it happened once.

> > > >

> > > > You broke my heart, yet now i dont blame you for anything. You are

> > ailed

> > > > by a dangerous illness which i would not wish upon anyone...you are

> > > > afflicted with so much pain that all you can do is to destroy things

> > > > around you or bring those that have chosen to walk away down. It

> > wont

> > > > work anymore...i see you. It pains me that i cannot to anything but

> > > > watch you tear yourself apart, screaming my name.

> > > >

> > > > To protect my emotional sanity i need to keep my distance and i know

> > if

> > > > you werent ailed by this illness you would want me to also keep away

> > > > from you too. Sometimes i wonder what i did to deserve a mother that

> > > > didnt know the meaning of unconditional love, than i have to remind

> > > > myself that you have taught me resiliece, empathy, silence, courage

> > and

> > > > the ability to finally not be fearful of you.

> > > >

> > > > I feel powerful at times yes as i am discovering myself and learning

> > to

> > > > love myself. But i also at times like this feel helpless, defeated

> > and

> > > > sad...that i can't do anything but to protect myself now. For the

> > first

> > > > time in my life i am putting ME first...not you. There are times I

> > feel

> > > > guilty for doing that, but i kind like the idea of this change. I

> > will

> > > > always love you but i do not have to tolerate how you treat

> > me...never

> > > > again.

> > > >

> > > > I know in this earthly life you will probably never understand why i

> > > > suddenly stopped running after you. But i am hopeful in the next

> > life

> > > > you will see.

> > > >

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Hi m19728,

I hear you and feel your pain because it mirrors my own so closely.

Hugs & love.

L