need help wih breaking the cycle

[Guest guest]

after doing A LOT of research all week I have discovered I am the rescuer to my

nada who has BPD/NPD. I have had to move back in with her after her sabotaging

my relationship, just feeling so miserable!! How do I break this cycle when

living with her? I seriously feel like taking my ear drums out so I don't have

to listen to her ALL day. She's either nagging me or on the phone exaggerating

all the wonderful things she has done to her friends, who can't see her for the

fraud she is! My children live in the home as well, I always feel like I am not

trying to fight in front of them... Play into her games so I cave a lot on

things I wouldn't normally. Feeling frustrated!!

[Guest guest]

You can't change her. The only one you can change is you. So you

need to look at what you're doing that you can change that would

have a positive effect on the situation. You can't stop her from

talking to her friends so I'd recommend ignoring that. Maybe you

can limit or avoid the nagging. How do you react when she nags

you? Are the things she's nagging you about legitimate

complaints or unreasonable demands from her? If she's nagging

you about reasonable things, one way to change the situation is

to make sure you do as many of the reasonable things as possible

before she has a chance to nag you about them. If she's nagging

you with unreasonable demands you could try sitting down and

making an agreement in writing about what your responsibilities

while living in her house are. Then you have something to wave

in her face when she demands that you do X, Y and Z because

she's letting you live there.

Another thing you can do is try to make yourself unavailable for

nagging. Spend less time there when she is home. Spend more time

in your bedroom. Encourage her to get out of the house more.

If she tries to start fights in front of the children, try

telling her calmly that you're not going to talk about it in

front of the children and you'll discuss it with her later. It

may not stop her from going on, but your children will see you

reacting in a calm, uncombatant way. Your children almost

certainly know that you don't get along with her. Even small

children pick up on that type of thing quickly. I'd say that it

is better for them to see you standing up for yourself than for

you to give in to avoid having them see you argue with her,

assuming that the arguments stay verbal and don't turn violent.

The way they see you reacting is going to color what they see as

normal. Do you want them to learn that giving in to bullies is a

good choice? If you react to her unreason with calmness that

will set a positive example for them.

And while you're trying to do this stuff, work on a plan to get

you and your children out of her home. Even if it takes a while,

having a plan can make you feel more confident and in control of

the situation. Plus it helps to make it seem like the problem

will have an end that you can look forward to. It lets you give

yourself hope.

At 03:16 PM 08/29/2012 ilovemytoesinthesand wrote:

>after doing A LOT of research all week I have discovered I am

>the rescuer to my nada who has BPD/NPD. I have had to move

>back in with her after her sabotaging my relationship, just

>feeling so miserable!! How do I break this cycle when living

>with her? I seriously feel like taking my ear drums out so I

>don't have to listen to her ALL day. She's either nagging me

>or on the phone exaggerating all the wonderful things she has

>done to her friends, who can't see her for the fraud she

>is! My children live in the home as well, I always feel like I

>am not trying to fight in front of them... Play into her games

>so I cave a lot on things I wouldn't normally. Feeling

>frustrated!!

>

--

Katrina