Just discovered my mom has BPD; I don't know how to reverse all the damage done

[Guest guest]

A few months ago my therapist suggested that my mom has BPD. I brushed it off

and didn't look into it much until an outrageous argument we had a week ago, and

just after 15 minutes of research I realized that was, without a doubt, exactly

what she has. It was both enlightening and frustrating (for not realizing

sooner) to discover something so monumental after 20 years.

I have spent my entire life being controlled by her and all it's done for me is

lead to a diagnosis of depression and anxiety.

My perception of reality has been completely skewed by her. Like for example,

I'm aware that I have social anxiety. I don't know if it's childish to blame it

on her, but as a kid I was not allowed to spend the night at friend's houses

because she was afraid that something would go wrong. As I got older, I was

allowed to spend time with friends maybe once a week, and if I asked for more,

she would say, " I already let you spend time with them a few days ago. You ask

for too much!! " Once I finally got a car, it was a constant battle to leave the

house and I had to create so many lies just to hang out with my friends. I felt

like it was almost too late by that point because I was already pretty

sheltered, so even the time that I did manage to sneak away and spend with

people or my boyfriend (who she still doesn't even know about to this day), I

often felt overwhelmed. I never got to establish my identity the way they did,

and I still have trouble with this.

My mom never acknowledges that she had anything to do with me growing into a 20

year old with social anxiety, yet if I don't go to a family friend's get

together or wedding, she'll say things like " You don't know how to socialize.

It's just sad. You are so weird and I'm sorry, but if you don't do these things

I tell you to do, you'll always stay like that. " Because I know I'm

uncomfortable in social situations, and then I hear it from her on numerous

occasions, it just makes me feel worse and like I shouldn't even bother trying.

And just like a person with BPD, if I don't do something she says, I'm

automatically bad or wrong. One week if I do what she tells me to do by going to

family dinners or helping my sister out with her kids, she'll say something

like, " You know, I've noticed you've changed so much and you're getting better.

You're good now. " and then the next week if I pass up on a family event or any

other small thing, I'll hear, " You never do anything I say. You're such a bad

daughter and you don't care about the family and you're so weird...etc. "

I am extremely distant from my entire family because of her. I started to

withdraw around the time that I was 15 or 16, but it's only gotten worse

recently because I can't keep up with the whirlwind of emotions and anger she

sends my way. It feels pointless to keep trying to please her just so I can

sometimes be " good. " She'll literally use to word " good " too and it makes me

feel sick because I AM NOT A DOG. But sometimes I think I am because my self

esteem has gone down the gutter.

The other day she said that she was ashamed and felt like a loser to have a

daughter like me, and when I brought it up later she completely denied it. She

said I had two personalities and she said it was good I started seeing a

psychologist because I really do need help. This makes me feel like maybe I am

the one whose reality is skewed. She later admitted she said that, but I still

felt angry and confused by the whole thing.

I've spent years wondering if the next phone call I answer from her will be

pleasant or end up with me in tears, and I'm sick and tired of that fear. I want

to be happy and I want to live my life the way that I choose. A lot of people

say 20 is young and others say 20 is too old to not know who you are and what

you want. She's controlled my whole life so far (forced me to go to a certain

college, said I would lose her support if I ever dated an American non-Muslim

((I'm an Atheist and she doesn't even know it;I live with my boyfriend and she

doesn't even know it and the guilt is driving me insane)), said I would lose her

support if I ever took anti-depressants because she knows they " make people

weird, " etc., so I have no idea how much control I should take, or if I'm

capable of doing that at all.

I don't know if I can make the changes that I need to make if she's still in my

life. I don't know if I can regain my self esteem even though I'm slowly

learning that all of those things she's said my entire life were not necessarily

true. I just really don't know what direction to take and even though I felt

hopeful for a few days when I learned all of this information about BPD, I feel

hopeless now because I just don't have a next step and I don't feel confident

enough to bother.

[Guest guest]

Sounds like you have a terrible situation. One we can relate to. What I'm

seeing is that your mother enjoys controlling you and that's probably not

healthy for you. * *I hope you can escape her clutches.

On Wed, Aug 29, 2012 at 2:33 PM, young_bones_groan rhannan2@...>wrote:

> **

>

>

> A few months ago my therapist suggested that my mom has BPD. I brushed it

> off and didn't look into it much until an outrageous argument we had a week

> ago, and just after 15 minutes of research I realized that was, without a

> doubt, exactly what she has. It was both enlightening and frustrating (for

> not realizing sooner) to discover something so monumental after 20 years.

>

> I have spent my entire life being controlled by her and all it's done for

> me is lead to a diagnosis of depression and anxiety.

>

> My perception of reality has been completely skewed by her. Like for

> example, I'm aware that I have social anxiety. I don't know if it's

> childish to blame it on her, but as a kid I was not allowed to spend the

> night at friend's houses because she was afraid that something would go

> wrong. As I got older, I was allowed to spend time with friends maybe once

> a week, and if I asked for more, she would say, " I already let you spend

> time with them a few days ago. You ask for too much!! " Once I finally got a

> car, it was a constant battle to leave the house and I had to create so

> many lies just to hang out with my friends. I felt like it was almost too

> late by that point because I was already pretty sheltered, so even the time

> that I did manage to sneak away and spend with people or my boyfriend (who

> she still doesn't even know about to this day), I often felt overwhelmed. I

> never got to establish my identity the way they did, and I still have

> trouble with this.

> My mom never acknowledges that she had anything to do with me growing into

> a 20 year old with social anxiety, yet if I don't go to a family friend's

> get together or wedding, she'll say things like " You don't know how to

> socialize. It's just sad. You are so weird and I'm sorry, but if you don't

> do these things I tell you to do, you'll always stay like that. " Because I

> know I'm uncomfortable in social situations, and then I hear it from her on

> numerous occasions, it just makes me feel worse and like I shouldn't even

> bother trying. And just like a person with BPD, if I don't do something she

> says, I'm automatically bad or wrong. One week if I do what she tells me to

> do by going to family dinners or helping my sister out with her kids,

> she'll say something like, " You know, I've noticed you've changed so much

> and you're getting better. You're good now. " and then the next week if I

> pass up on a family event or any other small thing, I'll hear, " You never

> do anything I say. You're such a bad daughter and you don't care about the

> family and you're so weird...etc. "

>

> I am extremely distant from my entire family because of her. I started to

> withdraw around the time that I was 15 or 16, but it's only gotten worse

> recently because I can't keep up with the whirlwind of emotions and anger

> she sends my way. It feels pointless to keep trying to please her just so I

> can sometimes be " good. " She'll literally use to word " good " too and it

> makes me feel sick because I AM NOT A DOG. But sometimes I think I am

> because my self esteem has gone down the gutter.

>

> The other day she said that she was ashamed and felt like a loser to have

> a daughter like me, and when I brought it up later she completely denied

> it. She said I had two personalities and she said it was good I started

> seeing a psychologist because I really do need help. This makes me feel

> like maybe I am the one whose reality is skewed. She later admitted she

> said that, but I still felt angry and confused by the whole thing.

>

> I've spent years wondering if the next phone call I answer from her will

> be pleasant or end up with me in tears, and I'm sick and tired of that

> fear. I want to be happy and I want to live my life the way that I choose.

> A lot of people say 20 is young and others say 20 is too old to not know

> who you are and what you want. She's controlled my whole life so far

> (forced me to go to a certain college, said I would lose her support if I

> ever dated an American non-Muslim ((I'm an Atheist and she doesn't even

> know it;I live with my boyfriend and she doesn't even know it and the guilt

> is driving me insane)), said I would lose her support if I ever took

> anti-depressants because she knows they " make people weird, " etc., so I

> have no idea how much control I should take, or if I'm capable of doing

> that at all.

>

> I don't know if I can make the changes that I need to make if she's still

> in my life. I don't know if I can regain my self esteem even though I'm

> slowly learning that all of those things she's said my entire life were not

> necessarily true. I just really don't know what direction to take and even

> though I felt hopeful for a few days when I learned all of this information

> about BPD, I feel hopeless now because I just don't have a next step and I

> don't feel confident enough to bother.

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Yep, sounds like the BPD darned if you do and darned if you don't. Part of

their disease is to put folks in a double bind. I find it frustrating!!!

Sometimes I just try to switch the conversation quickly. Like..mom, I just

heard someone outside calling your name!!!

When she goes outside to check, I lock the door. LOL!! Me bad. Sorry! I just

had to go with this joke.

But seriously, I find do find switching the conversation, usually focusing in on

them, does the trick. Like, oh mom, your hair looks good today. Is that a new

dress? Where did you get those shoes? That kind of stuff. The point is to get

the focus off me so I don't feel defensive.

Blessings,

Fran

>

> A few months ago my therapist suggested that my mom has BPD. I brushed it off

and didn't look into it much until an outrageous argument we had a week ago, and

just after 15 minutes of research I realized that was, without a doubt, exactly

what she has. It was both enlightening and frustrating (for not realizing

sooner) to discover something so monumental after 20 years.

>

> I have spent my entire life being controlled by her and all it's done for me

is lead to a diagnosis of depression and anxiety.

>

> My perception of reality has been completely skewed by her. Like for example,

I'm aware that I have social anxiety. I don't know if it's childish to blame it

on her, but as a kid I was not allowed to spend the night at friend's houses

because she was afraid that something would go wrong. As I got older, I was

allowed to spend time with friends maybe once a week, and if I asked for more,

she would say, " I already let you spend time with them a few days ago. You ask

for too much!! " Once I finally got a car, it was a constant battle to leave the

house and I had to create so many lies just to hang out with my friends. I felt

like it was almost too late by that point because I was already pretty

sheltered, so even the time that I did manage to sneak away and spend with

people or my boyfriend (who she still doesn't even know about to this day), I

often felt overwhelmed. I never got to establish my identity the way they did,

and I still have trouble with this.

> My mom never acknowledges that she had anything to do with me growing into a

20 year old with social anxiety, yet if I don't go to a family friend's get

together or wedding, she'll say things like " You don't know how to socialize.

It's just sad. You are so weird and I'm sorry, but if you don't do these things

I tell you to do, you'll always stay like that. " Because I know I'm

uncomfortable in social situations, and then I hear it from her on numerous

occasions, it just makes me feel worse and like I shouldn't even bother trying.

And just like a person with BPD, if I don't do something she says, I'm

automatically bad or wrong. One week if I do what she tells me to do by going to

family dinners or helping my sister out with her kids, she'll say something

like, " You know, I've noticed you've changed so much and you're getting better.

You're good now. " and then the next week if I pass up on a family event or any

other small thing, I'll hear, " You never do anything I say. You're such a bad

daughter and you don't care about the family and you're so weird...etc. "

>

> I am extremely distant from my entire family because of her. I started to

withdraw around the time that I was 15 or 16, but it's only gotten worse

recently because I can't keep up with the whirlwind of emotions and anger she

sends my way. It feels pointless to keep trying to please her just so I can

sometimes be " good. " She'll literally use to word " good " too and it makes me

feel sick because I AM NOT A DOG. But sometimes I think I am because my self

esteem has gone down the gutter.

>

> The other day she said that she was ashamed and felt like a loser to have a

daughter like me, and when I brought it up later she completely denied it. She

said I had two personalities and she said it was good I started seeing a

psychologist because I really do need help. This makes me feel like maybe I am

the one whose reality is skewed. She later admitted she said that, but I still

felt angry and confused by the whole thing.

>

> I've spent years wondering if the next phone call I answer from her will be

pleasant or end up with me in tears, and I'm sick and tired of that fear. I want

to be happy and I want to live my life the way that I choose. A lot of people

say 20 is young and others say 20 is too old to not know who you are and what

you want. She's controlled my whole life so far (forced me to go to a certain

college, said I would lose her support if I ever dated an American non-Muslim

((I'm an Atheist and she doesn't even know it;I live with my boyfriend and she

doesn't even know it and the guilt is driving me insane)), said I would lose her

support if I ever took anti-depressants because she knows they " make people

weird, " etc., so I have no idea how much control I should take, or if I'm

capable of doing that at all.

>

> I don't know if I can make the changes that I need to make if she's still in

my life. I don't know if I can regain my self esteem even though I'm slowly

learning that all of those things she's said my entire life were not necessarily

true. I just really don't know what direction to take and even though I felt

hopeful for a few days when I learned all of this information about BPD, I feel

hopeless now because I just don't have a next step and I don't feel confident

enough to bother.

>

[Guest guest]

I'm also in the process of getting better myself, and I wanted to mention

another great book that I'm reading: Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World

that Can't Stop Talking. It could be that you were born introverted (which the

book will help you see that that's perfecty okay!), and that you grew up in an

environment that was not good for introverts (or anyone else, for that matter).

________________________________

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Sent: Wednesday, August 29, 2012 11:33 AM

Subject: Just discovered my mom has BPD; I don't know how to

reverse all the damage done

 

A few months ago my therapist suggested that my mom has BPD. I brushed it off

and didn't look into it much until an outrageous argument we had a week ago, and

just after 15 minutes of research I realized that was, without a doubt, exactly

what she has. It was both enlightening and frustrating (for not realizing

sooner) to discover something so monumental after 20 years.

I have spent my entire life being controlled by her and all it's done for me is

lead to a diagnosis of depression and anxiety.

My perception of reality has been completely skewed by her. Like for example,

I'm aware that I have social anxiety. I don't know if it's childish to blame it

on her, but as a kid I was not allowed to spend the night at friend's houses

because she was afraid that something would go wrong. As I got older, I was

allowed to spend time with friends maybe once a week, and if I asked for more,

she would say, " I already let you spend time with them a few days ago. You ask

for too much!! " Once I finally got a car, it was a constant battle to leave the

house and I had to create so many lies just to hang out with my friends. I felt

like it was almost too late by that point because I was already pretty

sheltered, so even the time that I did manage to sneak away and spend with

people or my boyfriend (who she still doesn't even know about to this day), I

often felt overwhelmed. I never got to establish my identity the way they did,

and I still have trouble with this.

My mom never acknowledges that she had anything to do with me growing into a 20

year old with social anxiety, yet if I don't go to a family friend's get

together or wedding, she'll say things like " You don't know how to socialize.

It's just sad. You are so weird and I'm sorry, but if you don't do these things

I tell you to do, you'll always stay like that. " Because I know I'm

uncomfortable in social situations, and then I hear it from her on numerous

occasions, it just makes me feel worse and like I shouldn't even bother trying.

And just like a person with BPD, if I don't do something she says, I'm

automatically bad or wrong. One week if I do what she tells me to do by going to

family dinners or helping my sister out with her kids, she'll say something

like, " You know, I've noticed you've changed so much and you're getting better.

You're good now. " and then the next week if I pass up on a family event or any

other small thing, I'll hear, " You never do

anything I say. You're such a bad daughter and you don't care about the family

and you're so weird...etc. "

I am extremely distant from my entire family because of her. I started to

withdraw around the time that I was 15 or 16, but it's only gotten worse

recently because I can't keep up with the whirlwind of emotions and anger she

sends my way. It feels pointless to keep trying to please her just so I can

sometimes be " good. " She'll literally use to word " good " too and it makes me

feel sick because I AM NOT A DOG. But sometimes I think I am because my self

esteem has gone down the gutter.

The other day she said that she was ashamed and felt like a loser to have a

daughter like me, and when I brought it up later she completely denied it. She

said I had two personalities and she said it was good I started seeing a

psychologist because I really do need help. This makes me feel like maybe I am

the one whose reality is skewed. She later admitted she said that, but I still

felt angry and confused by the whole thing.

I've spent years wondering if the next phone call I answer from her will be

pleasant or end up with me in tears, and I'm sick and tired of that fear. I want

to be happy and I want to live my life the way that I choose. A lot of people

say 20 is young and others say 20 is too old to not know who you are and what

you want. She's controlled my whole life so far (forced me to go to a certain

college, said I would lose her support if I ever dated an American non-Muslim

((I'm an Atheist and she doesn't even know it;I live with my boyfriend and she

doesn't even know it and the guilt is driving me insane)), said I would lose her

support if I ever took anti-depressants because she knows they " make people

weird, " etc., so I have no idea how much control I should take, or if I'm

capable of doing that at all.

I don't know if I can make the changes that I need to make if she's still in my

life. I don't know if I can regain my self esteem even though I'm slowly

learning that all of those things she's said my entire life were not necessarily

true. I just really don't know what direction to take and even though I felt

hopeful for a few days when I learned all of this information about BPD, I feel

hopeless now because I just don't have a next step and I don't feel confident

enough to bother.

[Guest guest]

Figuring out what is wrong can definitely be very enlightening,

and freeing. Now that you have a name for it you can do research

and read some of the books about dealing with BPD. You have a

good reason to stop wondering if the problem is you rather than

her. And, in some ways even more important, you can find other

people with similar experiences who understand what you've gone

through. At 20, you're younger than a lot of us were when we

found an explanation for our nadas and fadas and their abusive

behavior. I realized there was something wrong with my nada when

I was in my teens but I didn't find a name for it until I was in

my mid-thirties. Boy did tha make a difference!

On the subject of not knowing who you are and what you want at

20, that's common. Some people are confident that they know the

answers to those questions at your age but reality has a way of

proving them wrong. Most people are still trying to figure

things out at your age. You never really finish finding out who

you are and what you want because those things change as time

goes by. Sometimes people give the appearance of knowing the

answers but what they feel inside is quite different. People who

are extroverts often look like their lives are great and they

know who they are and where they're going because extroverts

thrive in social situations and know how to look and sound

confident. It sounds like you're more of an introvert.

Extroverts tend to absorb good energy from being in social

situations and with lots of people. Introverts tend to find

similar situations draining. That doesn't mean introverts can't

enjoy groups of people and social situations. They just need to

have time to themselves as well. Both are valid ways to be.

Recognizing which you are can help you learn how to handle

situations and come out of them feeling good about yourself.

It isn't childish to blame your nada for your social anxiety.

The was she brought you up and the way she still treats you

obviously played a big part in preventing you from gaining more

experience with social situations. However, who is to blame

really doesn't matter now. What matters is doing something to

improve the situation. I think one of the first things you need

to do is to stop letting your nada undermine what little

confidence you have. You don't have to allow her to repeatedly

talk to you about it. You are allowed to derail her attempts at

talking about it. You can choose to tell her outright that you

aren't going to talk about it. Be prepared to put your money

where your mouth is if you do that. Leaving or hanging up the

phone is sometimes necessary to enforce your decision on not

talking about certain things. You can choose to not respond to

the comments and change the subject right away. You can limit

your contact with her. If you don't have contact, she can't say

those things to you. You're an adult now. You get to choose for

yourself. She doesn't get to choose for you any more. It is

worth reminding yourself of that on a regular basis.

I'm not sure from what you've said whether taking

anti-depressants is something you're considering or just

something she's told you not to do. If you are considering them,

please, please don't let her ideas about them stop you. Your

medical treatments are none of her business. There's no need to

tell her what you are taking or what you are being treated for.

Those things should be between you and your doctor, not between

you and her. Not only are they not her business, it is likely

that she'll use them against you if you tell her.

At 02:33 PM 08/29/2012 young_bones_groan wrote:

>A few months ago my therapist suggested that my mom has BPD. I

>brushed it off and didn't look into it much until an outrageous

>argument we had a week ago, and just after 15 minutes of

>research I realized that was, without a doubt, exactly what she

>has. It was both enlightening and frustrating (for not

>realizing sooner) to discover something so monumental after 20

>years.

>

>I have spent my entire life being controlled by her and all

>it's done for me is lead to a diagnosis of depression and

>anxiety.

>

>My perception of reality has been completely skewed by her.

>Like for example, I'm aware that I have social anxiety. I don't

>know if it's childish to blame it on her, but as a kid I was

>not allowed to spend the night at friend's houses because she

>was afraid that something would go wrong. As I got older, I was

>allowed to spend time with friends maybe once a week, and if I

>asked for more, she would say, " I already let you spend time

>with them a few days ago. You ask for too much!! " Once I

>finally got a car, it was a constant battle to leave the house

>and I had to create so many lies just to hang out with my

>friends. I felt like it was almost too late by that point

>because I was already pretty sheltered, so even the time that I

>did manage to sneak away and spend with people or my boyfriend

>(who she still doesn't even know about to this day), I often

>felt overwhelmed. I never got to establish my identity the way

>they did, and I still have trouble with this.

>My mom never acknowledges that she had anything to do with me

>growing into a 20 year old with social anxiety, yet if I don't

>go to a family friend's get together or wedding, she'll say

>things like " You don't know how to socialize. It's just sad.

>You are so weird and I'm sorry, but if you don't do these

>things I tell you to do, you'll always stay like that. " Because

>I know I'm uncomfortable in social situations, and then I hear

>it from her on numerous occasions, it just makes me feel worse

>and like I shouldn't even bother trying. And just like a person

>with BPD, if I don't do something she says, I'm automatically

>bad or wrong. One week if I do what she tells me to do by going

>to family dinners or helping my sister out with her kids,

>she'll say something like, " You know, I've noticed you've

>changed so much and you're getting better. You're good now. "

>and then the next week if I pass up on a family event or any

>other small thing, I'll hear, " You never do anything I say.

>You're such a bad daughter and you don't care about the family

>and you're so weird...etc. "

>

>I am extremely distant from my entire family because of her. I

>started to withdraw around the time that I was 15 or 16, but

>it's only gotten worse recently because I can't keep up with

>the whirlwind of emotions and anger she sends my way. It feels

>pointless to keep trying to please her just so I can sometimes

>be " good. " She'll literally use to word " good " too and it makes

>me feel sick because I AM NOT A DOG. But sometimes I think I am

>because my self esteem has gone down the gutter.

>

>The other day she said that she was ashamed and felt like a

>loser to have a daughter like me, and when I brought it up

>later she completely denied it. She said I had two

>personalities and she said it was good I started seeing a

>psychologist because I really do need help. This makes me feel

>like maybe I am the one whose reality is skewed. She later

>admitted she said that, but I still felt angry and confused by

>the whole thing.

>

>I've spent years wondering if the next phone call I answer from

>her will be pleasant or end up with me in tears, and I'm sick

>and tired of that fear. I want to be happy and I want to live

>my life the way that I choose. A lot of people say 20 is young

>and others say 20 is too old to not know who you are and what

>you want. She's controlled my whole life so far (forced me to

>go to a certain college, said I would lose her support if I

>ever dated an American non-Muslim ((I'm an Atheist and she

>doesn't even know it;I live with my boyfriend and she doesn't

>even know it and the guilt is driving me insane)), said I would

>lose her support if I ever took anti-depressants because she

>knows they " make people weird, " etc., so I have no idea how

>much control I should take, or if I'm capable of doing that at

>all.

>

>I don't know if I can make the changes that I need to make if

>she's still in my life. I don't know if I can regain my self

>esteem even though I'm slowly learning that all of those things

>she's said my entire life were not necessarily true. I just

>really don't know what direction to take and even though I felt

>hopeful for a few days when I learned all of this information

>about BPD, I feel hopeless now because I just don't have a next

>step and I don't feel confident enough to bother.

--

Katrina

[Guest guest]

Katrina,

I'm not sure that I have a lot of great advice since I'm struggling with this

myself but I just want to share that your story sounds so much like my story, I

was floored reading it. You are not alone, if that helps. I've felt like a bad

daughter, crazy person, etc. my whole life because of my mother's accusations. I

try to believe every day that I good and whole, that I am kind and loving. I

know that I am those things and in fact have tried valiantly to save my mother

at times. Those are not the actions of a bad daughter! Find a counselor or a

friend or whomever and get some better mirroring from them! Really listen when

they tell you 'you're kind, smart, sane'..whatever it is you need to hear. When

I'm at my lowest that does seem to help me.

JT

> >A few months ago my therapist suggested that my mom has BPD. I

> >brushed it off and didn't look into it much until an outrageous

> >argument we had a week ago, and just after 15 minutes of

> >research I realized that was, without a doubt, exactly what she

> >has. It was both enlightening and frustrating (for not

> >realizing sooner) to discover something so monumental after 20

> >years.

> >

> >I have spent my entire life being controlled by her and all

> >it's done for me is lead to a diagnosis of depression and

> >anxiety.

> >

> >My perception of reality has been completely skewed by her.

> >Like for example, I'm aware that I have social anxiety. I don't

> >know if it's childish to blame it on her, but as a kid I was

> >not allowed to spend the night at friend's houses because she

> >was afraid that something would go wrong. As I got older, I was

> >allowed to spend time with friends maybe once a week, and if I

> >asked for more, she would say, " I already let you spend time

> >with them a few days ago. You ask for too much!! " Once I

> >finally got a car, it was a constant battle to leave the house

> >and I had to create so many lies just to hang out with my

> >friends. I felt like it was almost too late by that point

> >because I was already pretty sheltered, so even the time that I

> >did manage to sneak away and spend with people or my boyfriend

> >(who she still doesn't even know about to this day), I often

> >felt overwhelmed. I never got to establish my identity the way

> >they did, and I still have trouble with this.

> >My mom never acknowledges that she had anything to do with me

> >growing into a 20 year old with social anxiety, yet if I don't

> >go to a family friend's get together or wedding, she'll say

> >things like " You don't know how to socialize. It's just sad.

> >You are so weird and I'm sorry, but if you don't do these

> >things I tell you to do, you'll always stay like that. " Because

> >I know I'm uncomfortable in social situations, and then I hear

> >it from her on numerous occasions, it just makes me feel worse

> >and like I shouldn't even bother trying. And just like a person

> >with BPD, if I don't do something she says, I'm automatically

> >bad or wrong. One week if I do what she tells me to do by going

> >to family dinners or helping my sister out with her kids,

> >she'll say something like, " You know, I've noticed you've

> >changed so much and you're getting better. You're good now. "

> >and then the next week if I pass up on a family event or any

> >other small thing, I'll hear, " You never do anything I say.

> >You're such a bad daughter and you don't care about the family

> >and you're so weird...etc. "

> >

> >I am extremely distant from my entire family because of her. I

> >started to withdraw around the time that I was 15 or 16, but

> >it's only gotten worse recently because I can't keep up with

> >the whirlwind of emotions and anger she sends my way. It feels

> >pointless to keep trying to please her just so I can sometimes

> >be " good. " She'll literally use to word " good " too and it makes

> >me feel sick because I AM NOT A DOG. But sometimes I think I am

> >because my self esteem has gone down the gutter.

> >

> >The other day she said that she was ashamed and felt like a

> >loser to have a daughter like me, and when I brought it up

> >later she completely denied it. She said I had two

> >personalities and she said it was good I started seeing a

> >psychologist because I really do need help. This makes me feel

> >like maybe I am the one whose reality is skewed. She later

> >admitted she said that, but I still felt angry and confused by

> >the whole thing.

> >

> >I've spent years wondering if the next phone call I answer from

> >her will be pleasant or end up with me in tears, and I'm sick

> >and tired of that fear. I want to be happy and I want to live

> >my life the way that I choose. A lot of people say 20 is young

> >and others say 20 is too old to not know who you are and what

> >you want. She's controlled my whole life so far (forced me to

> >go to a certain college, said I would lose her support if I

> >ever dated an American non-Muslim ((I'm an Atheist and she

> >doesn't even know it;I live with my boyfriend and she doesn't

> >even know it and the guilt is driving me insane)), said I would

> >lose her support if I ever took anti-depressants because she

> >knows they " make people weird, " etc., so I have no idea how

> >much control I should take, or if I'm capable of doing that at

> >all.

> >

> >I don't know if I can make the changes that I need to make if

> >she's still in my life. I don't know if I can regain my self

> >esteem even though I'm slowly learning that all of those things

> >she's said my entire life were not necessarily true. I just

> >really don't know what direction to take and even though I felt

> >hopeful for a few days when I learned all of this information

> >about BPD, I feel hopeless now because I just don't have a next

> >step and I don't feel confident enough to bother.

>

> --

> Katrina

>

[Guest guest]

Hi Katrina

I would just like to echo the great advice from JC, that is to look to others

and not to your mother to find out how you are and what you are like. You will

likely find out, as she says, that you are sane, great, interesting.

Being introverted or shy is not a crime. Many of us are just born that way, but

there is now tonnes of research to show that the persistent criticism from a

parent who is meant to love you for who you are can set you up for later

depression, anxiety and unhappiness. So now that you know, protect yourself in

every way you can, and start to heal.

Is 20 too young or too old to know yourself? I would say that knowing yourself

is a continuous process and that finding this out now is a great step for you. I

was in my mid-thirties when I first experienced anxiety so great that it

threated my job. The anxiety seemed to come from nowhere, an abnormal reaction

to fairly routine job related stress. I went to a therapist but somehow could

not follow her lead to look at my childhood to see where my self-criticism came

from. It was not until my mid-forties when my younger sister had a very serious

mental breakdown and I watched in horror my mother abuse her (helping my sister

from a distance but unable to confront my mother for fear of splitting my whole

family) that I realised how odd my childhood was. I spend 5 hours on the web

until I found what I was looking for – a definition and description of BPD. Two

days later my sister phoned me to say that the therapist she was assigned to

suggested that our mother had BPD.

Much of what you say in your message rings true with me. As a small child being

`good' was essential for survival, I can remember being made pack my clothes

aged 5 under threat of being sent away to a home for `bad children', at 7 years

I suffered a fairly serious infection from a neglected injury being afraid to

report the injury to my mother (being injured was `stupid' and `bad'), by 11

years my shyness was a big issue – my mother routinely told me how pathetic I

was, how I must be unhappy, how I would never have fiends. Yet, as in your home,

contact with the outside world was tightly controlled. During my teens letters

from friends were read and ripped up and burned, my friends were referred to as

whores, their parents criticised for being crap parents, my boyfriends were

wholly unsuitable. My family was split into fragments – there was a good son, a

very bad son , a neglected younger brother and a little sister, extroverted and

good looking, everything my mother wanted in a daughter. Sadly, being

extroverted was not enough and being youngest and left behind when we had all

gone (I left home when I was 17 and emigrated when I was 23) she probably

suffered more than anyone.

What else can I say to you? BPD does not go away (my mother has caused ever new

fractions in our family in the past 5 years which I will not bore you with and

she is in her early 70s) so you must get away from it. But while a crazy

childhood can make you prone to anxiety and depression, it does not define you.

I do still suffer with anxiety, and that includes social anxiety, but I am happy

in my job, have a great partner and a wonderful kid who is 11 years old.

Sometimes when I think of my relationship with my child and then reflect upon

the relationship I had with my mother when I was 11, I feel immensely sorry for

her. BPD is a very poorly understood disorder and there is likely much suffering

behind the cruelty.

You are 20, well done on figuring it out what is wrong and good luck with

everything. Do talk to your sister if you can, you are likely to find that you

are not the only one….

Joan

>

> A few months ago my therapist suggested that my mom has BPD. I brushed it off

and didn't look into it much until an outrageous argument we had a week ago, and

just after 15 minutes of research I realized that was, without a doubt, exactly

what she has. It was both enlightening and frustrating (for not realizing

sooner) to discover something so monumental after 20 years.

>

> I have spent my entire life being controlled by her and all it's done for me

is lead to a diagnosis of depression and anxiety.

>

> My perception of reality has been completely skewed by her. Like for example,

I'm aware that I have social anxiety. I don't know if it's childish to blame it

on her, but as a kid I was not allowed to spend the night at friend's houses

because she was afraid that something would go wrong. As I got older, I was

allowed to spend time with friends maybe once a week, and if I asked for more,

she would say, " I already let you spend time with them a few days ago. You ask

for too much!! " Once I finally got a car, it was a constant battle to leave the

house and I had to create so many lies just to hang out with my friends. I felt

like it was almost too late by that point because I was already pretty

sheltered, so even the time that I did manage to sneak away and spend with

people or my boyfriend (who she still doesn't even know about to this day), I

often felt overwhelmed. I never got to establish my identity the way they did,

and I still have trouble with this.

> My mom never acknowledges that she had anything to do with me growing into a

20 year old with social anxiety, yet if I don't go to a family friend's get

together or wedding, she'll say things like " You don't know how to socialize.

It's just sad. You are so weird and I'm sorry, but if you don't do these things

I tell you to do, you'll always stay like that. " Because I know I'm

uncomfortable in social situations, and then I hear it from her on numerous

occasions, it just makes me feel worse and like I shouldn't even bother trying.

And just like a person with BPD, if I don't do something she says, I'm

automatically bad or wrong. One week if I do what she tells me to do by going to

family dinners or helping my sister out with her kids, she'll say something

like, " You know, I've noticed you've changed so much and you're getting better.

You're good now. " and then the next week if I pass up on a family event or any

other small thing, I'll hear, " You never do anything I say. You're such a bad

daughter and you don't care about the family and you're so weird...etc. "

>

> I am extremely distant from my entire family because of her. I started to

withdraw around the time that I was 15 or 16, but it's only gotten worse

recently because I can't keep up with the whirlwind of emotions and anger she

sends my way. It feels pointless to keep trying to please her just so I can

sometimes be " good. " She'll literally use to word " good " too and it makes me

feel sick because I AM NOT A DOG. But sometimes I think I am because my self

esteem has gone down the gutter.

>

> The other day she said that she was ashamed and felt like a loser to have a

daughter like me, and when I brought it up later she completely denied it. She

said I had two personalities and she said it was good I started seeing a

psychologist because I really do need help. This makes me feel like maybe I am

the one whose reality is skewed. She later admitted she said that, but I still

felt angry and confused by the whole thing.

>

> I've spent years wondering if the next phone call I answer from her will be

pleasant or end up with me in tears, and I'm sick and tired of that fear. I want

to be happy and I want to live my life the way that I choose. A lot of people

say 20 is young and others say 20 is too old to not know who you are and what

you want. She's controlled my whole life so far (forced me to go to a certain

college, said I would lose her support if I ever dated an American non-Muslim

((I'm an Atheist and she doesn't even know it;I live with my boyfriend and she

doesn't even know it and the guilt is driving me insane)), said I would lose her

support if I ever took anti-depressants because she knows they " make people

weird, " etc., so I have no idea how much control I should take, or if I'm

capable of doing that at all.

>

> I don't know if I can make the changes that I need to make if she's still in

my life. I don't know if I can regain my self esteem even though I'm slowly

learning that all of those things she's said my entire life were not necessarily

true. I just really don't know what direction to take and even though I felt

hopeful for a few days when I learned all of this information about BPD, I feel

hopeless now because I just don't have a next step and I don't feel confident

enough to bother.

>

[Guest guest]

Young,

Sounds like your mom might also be 'projecting' onto you. It's probably worth

some more research. Basically she's projecting her innermost fears/insecurities

onto you, like when she says you have a split personality. It is in fact, SHE

who has the personality disorder love, not you.

Now it's time to take control back. You're absolutely correct to correlate your

depression and anxities back to your childhood. Well done. That's the fist step

in healing from BPD mothering (or should I say lack thereof)!

She never gave you a chance to become confident in social environments so this

FORCED you to hide things from her as a survival mechanism. Abusive people use

heavy handed controls and overbearing techniques to maintain an advantage over

their victim. Borderline mothers never aknowledge or take responsibility for the

damage they cause their children; it's the very nature of the illness. Her

biggest fear is rejection and so she sees everything you do as a personal

rejection of her - regardless. If you do what SHE wants you to do you're 'normal

and alright' if you do what YOU want to do then you're 'sick and abnormal'. This

is ridiculous! Letting go of the guilt she causes is tough work. Let your heart

and soul off the guilt hook sweetie, it's time. You're an adult and you're

allowed to live for YOU! Your mother hasn't earned the right to be involved in

your personal life. She's way too dangerous.

I can relate very well to your experiences regarding family visits and functions

where you get guilt tripped; I was forced to enforce very harsh boundaries with

my mother around this (in my late twenties so you're ahead of the game it

seems!). It was difficult to limit my contact with her because she's such a

control freak/guilt mongerer but it was WORTH it in the long run. I no longer

spend Christmas with my family and now I enjoy my holiday time with friends in

an abuse and guilt-free world! I was told the EXACT same thing about how I don't

care about my family or that I think I'm too good for my family, etc.

I calmly and cooly explained that I care about my family very much but I cannot

spend time with abusive family members for my own health and well being. I

calmly rejected her projection onto me that I thought I was too good, I simply

stated I don't think that way, I didn't argue or engage. I finally just said

" NO " to BPD. That's it and that's all.

The BPD family members will continue with their harsh criticisms regardless but

some people do get it. Either way, I'm FREE! Don't expect a BPD mother to

change, you can only change/control your reactions to their insanity. Distancing

oneself from abusers/controllers/guilters etc. is a HEALTHY thing to do. Crazy

people won't like it, but I say, f*ck them.

I NEVER tell my crazy mother anything of importance. She doesn't know that I

went to a counsellor, if I had a boyfriend, health/mental challenges I face,

places I go to, friends I might have, etc. Going forward you might want to

reconsider how much information you give your mom. If she asks it's alright to

NOT DISCLOSE information to the crazies - they use it against you!

You sound like an intelligent, articulate young adult with a whole future of

opportunities to come. Try to pat yourself on the back for surviving your mother

as long as you have. You are a good person despite the damage your mother tries

to inflict on you. The only loser here will be your mother as she's too sick to

see the beauty in her old child. Her loss. As far as the phone abuse, I hang up

on people who abuse me on the phone sweetie, and if they abuse in-person I pull

a Houdini - BAM YOU'RE GONE! NOBODY has the right to abuse me, ever. Period. You

are perfectly capable of controlling your own life; I think you just need a

breather first.

Please stay on this board you'll find endless support and resources to continue

on your path of healing.

Hugs, Hellfire.