Guest guest Posted August 29, 2012 Report Share Posted August 29, 2012 It's not your job to take care of her. Her happiness is her problem. She sounds like a real pain to deal with. Good luck! On Mon, Aug 27, 2012 at 8:43 PM, shelleymatthews33@...>wrote: > ** > > > Ive been in this group for years, this is my first post though. I'm an > only child of a bpd mother. My dad is a recovering alcoholic, they are > divorced, I am 31 married with 2 kids, live in a different state from both > of them. My dad is currently unemployed. My mom has other chronic health > conditions and is considering early retirement or disability. She has a > pattern of making these impulsive decisions and of course blaming the > repercussions on everyone else. Her mother has wiped out all her savings > " helping " my mom. Only by the grace of God did we realize what was > happening and stop giving freely. We still give her $300/mth and more > occassionally. Family members have suggested we live more modestly so we > can help them more, but I know that wont fix anything just cause me > resentment and take away from my kids.. Anyway I am in therapy and go to al > anon. I get that my mom wants to retire, honestly she kind of needs it > physically, but I cant fund her. I want to point out to her that 6 years > ago she said if my dad wpuld just stop drinking she would be happy then she > said leaving my dad would make her happy, then moving to wv to be near her > parents, then having them but her a house, then finding a new husband ( > didn't happen). She's said all these things would make her happy and she's > just gotten worse. I want to point out that stopping work probably won't > bring the peace she is claiming it will bring. I just don't know if it's > worth it to say that.. > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 30, 2012 Report Share Posted August 30, 2012 Not your problem. Don't let it take away from your children. If she actually has these illnesses/problems I'm sure she could get state aid or something?? Good luck!! Sent from my iPhone On Aug 29, 2012, at 10:08 PM, Millicent Kunstler millicentkunstler@...> wrote: > It's not your job to take care of her. Her happiness is her problem. She > sounds like a real pain to deal with. Good luck! > > On Mon, Aug 27, 2012 at 8:43 PM, shelleymatthews33@...>wrote: > >> ** >> >> >> Ive been in this group for years, this is my first post though. I'm an >> only child of a bpd mother. My dad is a recovering alcoholic, they are >> divorced, I am 31 married with 2 kids, live in a different state from both >> of them. My dad is currently unemployed. My mom has other chronic health >> conditions and is considering early retirement or disability. She has a >> pattern of making these impulsive decisions and of course blaming the >> repercussions on everyone else. Her mother has wiped out all her savings >> " helping " my mom. Only by the grace of God did we realize what was >> happening and stop giving freely. We still give her $300/mth and more >> occassionally. Family members have suggested we live more modestly so we >> can help them more, but I know that wont fix anything just cause me >> resentment and take away from my kids.. Anyway I am in therapy and go to al >> anon. I get that my mom wants to retire, honestly she kind of needs it >> physically, but I cant fund her. I want to point out to her that 6 years >> ago she said if my dad wpuld just stop drinking she would be happy then she >> said leaving my dad would make her happy, then moving to wv to be near her >> parents, then having them but her a house, then finding a new husband ( >> didn't happen). She's said all these things would make her happy and she's >> just gotten worse. I want to point out that stopping work probably won't >> bring the peace she is claiming it will bring. I just don't know if it's >> worth it to say that.. >> >> >> > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 30, 2012 Report Share Posted August 30, 2012 I can relate. I am also in Adult Children of Alcoholics group and seeing a therapist. My Nada would say well if only I had more money I would be happy, she got my dad's pension and she was still miserable, then it was it I moved from this horrible apartment I would be happy, she moved and still miserable, then it was if I got rid of this bad relationship I would be happy, relationship is over still she is unhappy. She has since moved again and I paid for the move and she is once again complaining and unhappy wants to move somewhere else now. On and on it goes......I have learned to ignore it because no matter what nothing will ever make her happy because she is not happy with herself! They always think something changing on the outside will make them happy on the inside but it never happens. My suggestion is to do what you can conformably do if you want to and no more because she will not be happy no matter what you do or don't do. So make yourself happy and let her worry about her own happiness. It is not your job to make her happy thought they like to dump that on us. It is always a losing battle and you could go bankrupt funding her and still she will be unhappy. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 30, 2012 Report Share Posted August 30, 2012 Yep! I have found that untreated BPDs always change the standards, or have more hoops for folks to jump through, once they jump through the old ones. I find it totally frustrating. The fact is they are unhappy and nothing will make them happy until they get help. Being unhappy is part of the symptoms. I have noticed in our BPD, and other posts, that a re-occuring theme with them is " blood is thicker than water " . They use this for guilt, to conquer and divide, to obligate family members and to isolate family members from non family members. Ours tries endlessly to get family members to rally around her messes, and sick behaviors, due to this " blood, or family, theme " , leaving those of us that are married into the family out of the " in " group. Causes huge problems in our family to put the BPD first before the husband or kids. Our BPD has often said that she is more powerful than I am when she does this. Course what really is going on is she is more paranoid delusional when she does this. The healthier we are getting the less we give into these behaviors though. My personal take is that blood is NOT thicker than water if it means abuse. If we all told our stories to friends and didn't tell our friends it was our mum or dad, but rather an un-named friend, they would ask us why we hang out with them or put up with it??? I am sure they would because sane people DON'T put up with abuse. They don't empower abusers or sick people. They may feel sorry for them or suggest help but they don't sacrifice themselves in the process. I don't think it is selfish not to sacrifice myself in a relationship to be honest. Taken a long time to get to this point but it is coming around after many years of doing it. You can tell that I am getting in touch with a lot of anger over the BPD behaviors. I hope no one takes it personally. Just makes me hopping mad to think of the rubbish they put me and others through. Blessings, Fran > > Ive been in this group for years, this is my first post though. I'm an only child of a bpd mother. My dad is a recovering alcoholic, they are divorced, I am 31 married with 2 kids, live in a different state from both of them. My dad is currently unemployed. My mom has other chronic health conditions and is considering early retirement or disability. She has a pattern of making these impulsive decisions and of course blaming the repercussions on everyone else. Her mother has wiped out all her savings " helping " my mom. Only by the grace of God did we realize what was happening and stop giving freely. We still give her $300/mth and more occassionally. Family members have suggested we live more modestly so we can help them more, but I know that wont fix anything just cause me resentment and take away from my kids.. Anyway I am in therapy and go to al anon. I get that my mom wants to retire, honestly she kind of needs it physically, but I cant fund her. I want to point out to her that 6 years ago she said if my dad wpuld just stop drinking she would be happy then she said leaving my dad would make her happy, then moving to wv to be near her parents, then having them but her a house, then finding a new husband ( didn't happen). She's said all these things would make her happy and she's just gotten worse. I want to point out that stopping work probably won't bring the peace she is claiming it will bring. I just don't know if it's worth it to say that.. > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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