Guest guest Posted August 30, 2012 Report Share Posted August 30, 2012 In the two years since things blew up with my husband's family, we've been searching for answers and trying to understand why things are this way, why they had to turn out this way. In retrospect, it has taken me a long time to gain clarity about all this, and I'm sure we're not done. I'd just like to share some of the stages I've been through. I spent months analyzing their behavior and what makes them tick. Then I discovered Narcissistic Personality disorder, after coming to the realization that every conversation REALLY is about how his parents are good people, no matter what they've done. I spent time reading about the effects of being raised by narcissistic parents. It all clicked, although my husband didn't want to read it; it was too depressing and traumatizing. Then after a much longer period of time I came across the term Borderline Personality Disorder, which comes closer to describing the rages that his dad would go into. But there was a point when after having our hundredth conversation about his parents and how frustrating they are, I realized, wait...what about my husband? His voice? We've totally missed him in all this mess. He would tell me about what they did, but we needed to pay attention to his experience, what it felt like for him, etc. And it broke my heart that, just like they did, me and my husband have also been missing out on his voice, his experience. He's like a little kid who was locked into a closet, and nobody is listening to him. And so after successfully moving into a No Contact phase, and communicating less and less with them, we've begun to listen more and more to my husband's heart and his pain, which comes out as anger, despair, but at least we are now listening to HIM. And I've realized that yes, his parents are BPD or Narcissistic, or whatever, but there is a part of me that, while needing the validation that these terms supply, what is more important is eventually turning towards my husband and what his symptoms are. And finally the term TRAUMA which describes his current state. His parents may never be treated. But my husband is traumatized. And we can try to treat/heal that. I am hoping that the new therapist, who specializes in trauma and child abuse, will be more successful than the previous ones. Does this ring true for anyone? It is shocking to me that as a fairly intelligent person, it would take me so long to see the elephant in the room. I am married to a man who has been deeply hurt. Healing is needed. It's about him and where he is now, and helping him to get to a place where he can enjoy life again. For all of you who are hurting, my hope is that you too can find healing and put yourself back at the center of your own life. (By the way, this has all forced me to pursue my own healing and to focus on myself also, as being the spouse of a deeply traumatized person has taken a toll on me.) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 30, 2012 Report Share Posted August 30, 2012 I feel like trauma is the best word to describe what growing up in my home did to me. I have spent much time in the last year focusing on her, but I feel like I am understanding myself and why some things are hard for me because of it. you were validating him by being upset at them too. I say this because that is what my DH has done for me. I have a medical condition that is deeply rooted in stress. and the research that makes sense to me about it recommends trauma therapy. so that is the route I went, and it was not until I got there that I realized how well that fits. being trapped without being allowed to have feelings and my own reality was crushing, and now that I am finally feeling things it is overwhelming for me. this post made me so grateful for spouses like you who care so much. thank you. Meikjn > > In the two years since things blew up with my husband's family, we've been searching for answers and trying to understand why things are this way, why they had to turn out this way. > > In retrospect, it has taken me a long time to gain clarity about all this, and I'm sure we're not done. I'd just like to share some of the stages I've been through. > > I spent months analyzing their behavior and what makes them tick. Then I discovered Narcissistic Personality disorder, after coming to the realization that every conversation REALLY is about how his parents are good people, no matter what they've done. > > I spent time reading about the effects of being raised by narcissistic parents. It all clicked, although my husband didn't want to read it; it was too depressing and traumatizing. > > Then after a much longer period of time I came across the term Borderline Personality Disorder, which comes closer to describing the rages that his dad would go into. > > But there was a point when after having our hundredth conversation about his parents and how frustrating they are, I realized, wait...what about my husband? His voice? We've totally missed him in all this mess. He would tell me about what they did, but we needed to pay attention to his experience, what it felt like for him, etc. > > And it broke my heart that, just like they did, me and my husband have also been missing out on his voice, his experience. He's like a little kid who was locked into a closet, and nobody is listening to him. > > And so after successfully moving into a No Contact phase, and communicating less and less with them, we've begun to listen more and more to my husband's heart and his pain, which comes out as anger, despair, but at least we are now listening to HIM. > > And I've realized that yes, his parents are BPD or Narcissistic, or whatever, but there is a part of me that, while needing the validation that these terms supply, what is more important is eventually turning towards my husband and what his symptoms are. > > And finally the term TRAUMA which describes his current state. > > His parents may never be treated. But my husband is traumatized. And we can try to treat/heal that. > > I am hoping that the new therapist, who specializes in trauma and child abuse, will be more successful than the previous ones. > > Does this ring true for anyone? It is shocking to me that as a fairly intelligent person, it would take me so long to see the elephant in the room. I am married to a man who has been deeply hurt. Healing is needed. It's about him and where he is now, and helping him to get to a place where he can enjoy life again. > > For all of you who are hurting, my hope is that you too can find healing and put yourself back at the center of your own life. > > (By the way, this has all forced me to pursue my own healing and to focus on myself also, as being the spouse of a deeply traumatized person has taken a toll on me.) > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 30, 2012 Report Share Posted August 30, 2012 Yes I think i have ptsd from the constant emotional abuse and unpredictable rages. It is common. Glad he has a good t. > > In the two years since things blew up with my husband's family, we've been searching for answers and trying to understand why things are this way, why they had to turn out this way. > > In retrospect, it has taken me a long time to gain clarity about all this, and I'm sure we're not done. I'd just like to share some of the stages I've been through. > > I spent months analyzing their behavior and what makes them tick. Then I discovered Narcissistic Personality disorder, after coming to the realization that every conversation REALLY is about how his parents are good people, no matter what they've done. > > I spent time reading about the effects of being raised by narcissistic parents. It all clicked, although my husband didn't want to read it; it was too depressing and traumatizing. > > Then after a much longer period of time I came across the term Borderline Personality Disorder, which comes closer to describing the rages that his dad would go into. > > But there was a point when after having our hundredth conversation about his parents and how frustrating they are, I realized, wait...what about my husband? His voice? We've totally missed him in all this mess. He would tell me about what they did, but we needed to pay attention to his experience, what it felt like for him, etc. > > And it broke my heart that, just like they did, me and my husband have also been missing out on his voice, his experience. He's like a little kid who was locked into a closet, and nobody is listening to him. > > And so after successfully moving into a No Contact phase, and communicating less and less with them, we've begun to listen more and more to my husband's heart and his pain, which comes out as anger, despair, but at least we are now listening to HIM. > > And I've realized that yes, his parents are BPD or Narcissistic, or whatever, but there is a part of me that, while needing the validation that these terms supply, what is more important is eventually turning towards my husband and what his symptoms are. > > And finally the term TRAUMA which describes his current state. > > His parents may never be treated. But my husband is traumatized. And we can try to treat/heal that. > > I am hoping that the new therapist, who specializes in trauma and child abuse, will be more successful than the previous ones. > > Does this ring true for anyone? It is shocking to me that as a fairly intelligent person, it would take me so long to see the elephant in the room. I am married to a man who has been deeply hurt. Healing is needed. It's about him and where he is now, and helping him to get to a place where he can enjoy life again. > > For all of you who are hurting, my hope is that you too can find healing and put yourself back at the center of your own life. > > (By the way, this has all forced me to pursue my own healing and to focus on myself also, as being the spouse of a deeply traumatized person has taken a toll on me.) > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 31, 2012 Report Share Posted August 31, 2012 Oh, yes, definitely. I think nearly everyone starts out focusing on the bpd in the family and their problems and how to fix them. It can take a long time to realize the point of your life is really you. That kind of thinking has never been allowed before in a family organized around a disordered person. I have no idea what my process was like because it's been going for so long. These days, I'm mainly trying to get them out of my head. Take care, Ashana Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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