Informal Survey on Boundary Enforcement

[Guest guest]

Hi there,

I've got a teenage daughter who is becoming badly affected by BP wife and my

weak boundaries. I want to do better.

You all have been through a lot and I'm betting some (many?) of you have seen at

last one example of a boundary - yours or from one of your parents - that really

works.

I'd very much love to hear from you about that.

A short note from you on what the boundary is meant to protect - and how is it

effectively enforced - would mean a lot to me.

You can post here or write to me at Boundary.Hunter3@...

Thanks!

- BH3

[Guest guest]

Here is one major boundary: I will not be raged at and my children will not

witness a rage. I will leave the room and/or remove my children if someone

starts yelling.

Your child desperately needs someone to stand up for her. She needs you to be

her hero. You are going to have to decide if you are willing to do that or if

you are going to stand by and watch because it feels to hard to say no.

I dont know exactly what you mean when you ask for boundaries that " work " but Im

going to assume you mean something that will make your wife more tolerable or

respectful or something. If not, ignore the following. Something you need to

understand about boundaries is hat they are for protecting you or your child,

not for changing other people. You are never going to get someone with bpd to

respect your need for boundaries--they will push back and hard especially in the

beginning. But if you are going to protect your boundaries, the only way to do

it is with consistency. You have to be willing to follow through every time no

matter how much she waifs or rages.

You didnt ask about this but please dont ever try to justify or defend your

wifes behavior or tell your child mommy really loves her. Sometimes parents do

this thinking its reassuring but it is incredibly invalidating and will make

things worse for your child. She is at a critical age and needs as much support

as she can get. Your primary duty is to take care of your child.

Good luck.

>

> Hi there,

>

> I've got a teenage daughter who is becoming badly affected by BP wife and my

weak boundaries. I want to do better.

>

> You all have been through a lot and I'm betting some (many?) of you have seen

at last one example of a boundary - yours or from one of your parents - that

really works.

>

> I'd very much love to hear from you about that.

>

> A short note from you on what the boundary is meant to protect - and how is it

effectively enforced - would mean a lot to me.

>

> You can post here or write to me at Boundary.Hunter3@...

>

> Thanks!

>

> - BH3

>

[Guest guest]

Good for you. All I can offer at this point is based on me remembering being a

teenager. How wonderful it would have been for my dad to come into the room

after an hour of rage and simply say " enough. " All I got was my dad saying later

that mom had PMS.

________________________________

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Sent: Thursday, August 30, 2012 8:36 PM

Subject: Re: Informal Survey on Boundary Enforcement

 

Here is one major boundary: I will not be raged at and my children will not

witness a rage. I will leave the room and/or remove my children if someone

starts yelling.

Your child desperately needs someone to stand up for her. She needs you to be

her hero. You are going to have to decide if you are willing to do that or if

you are going to stand by and watch because it feels to hard to say no.

I dont know exactly what you mean when you ask for boundaries that " work " but Im

going to assume you mean something that will make your wife more tolerable or

respectful or something. If not, ignore the following. Something you need to

understand about boundaries is hat they are for protecting you or your child,

not for changing other people. You are never going to get someone with bpd to

respect your need for boundaries--they will push back and hard especially in the

beginning. But if you are going to protect your boundaries, the only way to do

it is with consistency. You have to be willing to follow through every time no

matter how much she waifs or rages.

You didnt ask about this but please dont ever try to justify or defend your

wifes behavior or tell your child mommy really loves her. Sometimes parents do

this thinking its reassuring but it is incredibly invalidating and will make

things worse for your child. She is at a critical age and needs as much support

as she can get. Your primary duty is to take care of your child.

Good luck.

>

> Hi there,

>

> I've got a teenage daughter who is becoming badly affected by BP wife and my

weak boundaries. I want to do better.

>

> You all have been through a lot and I'm betting some (many?) of you have seen

at last one example of a boundary - yours or from one of your parents - that

really works.

>

> I'd very much love to hear from you about that.

>

> A short note from you on what the boundary is meant to protect - and how is it

effectively enforced - would mean a lot to me.

>

> You can post here or write to me at Boundary.Hunter3@...

>

> Thanks!

>

> - BH3

>

[Guest guest]

Hi BH3

Welcome to the Group.

First, the good news: the fact that you recognize and accept that your child is

being damaged by her mother's borderline pd behaviors is the first step in

getting your child the help she needs. If her mother has borderline pd, then

your daughter has very likely been subjected to extreme stress and emotional

injury for her entire childhood, its just that now the emotional abuse is of a

different nature or it has escalated. Many of us adult daughters of bpd mothers

began experiencing new and worse kinds of emotional and even physical abuse from

our borderline pd mothers as we entered puberty. Her child beginning to enter

sexual maturity can trigger abandonment fears in a mother with " Waif " and

" Hermit " bpd traits, or it can trigger envy, jealousy and a sense of rivalry

with a " Queen " or a " Witch " type of bpd mother.

If you haven't already, now is the time to seek out a therapist for your

daughter who specializes in or understands childhood emotional abuse and trauma;

your daughter will have a much greater chance of overcoming her emotional

injuries if she has an experienced, compassionate therapist to validate her

reality, who understands what she is experiencing and help her process the

damage. If you also validate your daughter's reality and reassure her that she

is a good person and doesn't deserve to be emotionally abused, that will go a

long way toward reducing the damage, the negative impact that the emotional

abuse is inflicting.

The bad news is that deciding that you are going to establish and maintain

boundaries RE your wife's behaviors will probably cause a great deal of friction

between you and may even cause her negative, unacceptable behaviors to escalate.

Its going to take a great deal of determination and courage on your part. Also

be aware that if your wife feels that you are not " on her side " she will very

likely " paint you black " (switch to thinking of you as " all bad " ), and your wife

may very well take out her anger at you on your daughter, blaming her for the

friction between you. The worst, most severely traumatic things done to me by

my mother happened when dad wasn't there. My mother knew on some level that

what she was doing to my Sister and me was wrong, so she saved up the worst for

when we were alone with her.

You are stuck in a very difficult place, because if your wife does have bpd or

bpd traits and she is doing emotional harm to your child, then you ARE in the

position of having to protect your child and that means " taking sides " , bottom

line. But in my own personal opinion its the child's needs and emotional

health that should take precedence; you are

being a good father and doing a father's main job: protecting your offspring.

If you haven't already, I suggest arming yourself with knowledge about

borderline pd, because knowledge is power and its empowering. Having a good,

solid foundation of education about borderline pd will help you AND your

daughter not take the negative, distressing bpd behaviors as personally as you

(probably) are now. Neither you nor your daughter are *causing* these

behaviors, you can't control someone with bpd, you can't change them and you

can't cure them.

All you can do is decide how you, yourself, are going to respond to the

negative, unacceptable, abusive behaviors; that is what a " boundary " is: its

what YOU will do when presented with an unacceptable behavior.

There are many good books out there now about learning to cope with having a bpd

parent or loved one.

I personally recommend for your daughter and you both to read " Understanding the

Borderline Mother " , and " Surviving a Borderline Parent. " Also, " The Essential

Family Guide to Borderline PD " and other books about how to set boundaries for

yourself will probably help you.

Can you share with us what is one of your wife's behaviors that is doing the

most damage to your daughter? I can give a more relevant example of

boundary-setting if you can

give an example.

best wishes,

-Annie

>

> Hi there,

>

> I've got a teenage daughter who is becoming badly affected by BP wife and my

weak boundaries. I want to do better.

>

> You all have been through a lot and I'm betting some (many?) of you have seen

at last one example of a boundary - yours or from one of your parents - that

really works.

>

> I'd very much love to hear from you about that.

>

> A short note from you on what the boundary is meant to protect - and how is it

effectively enforced - would mean a lot to me.

>

> You can post here or write to me at Boundary.Hunter3@...

>

> Thanks!

>

> - BH3

>

[Guest guest]

Maybe you could ask your daughter what bothers her the most about the way she's

treated by her mom?  You might find your boundaries there.  If my dad had ever

bothered to ask me as a teenager, he would have found a goldmine of possible

boundaries. 

 

I applaud you for recognizing that your daughter is being affected by her mom's

BPD.  She's fortunate to have someone on her side. 

Subject: Re: Re: Informal Survey on Boundary Enforcement

To: " WTOAdultChildren1 " WTOAdultChildren1 >

Date: Friday, August 31, 2012, 8:05 AM

 

Good for you. All I can offer at this point is based on me remembering being a

teenager. How wonderful it would have been for my dad to come into the room

after an hour of rage and simply say " enough. " All I got was my dad saying later

that mom had PMS.

________________________________

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Sent: Thursday, August 30, 2012 8:36 PM

Subject: Re: Informal Survey on Boundary Enforcement

 

Here is one major boundary: I will not be raged at and my children will not

witness a rage. I will leave the room and/or remove my children if someone

starts yelling.

Your child desperately needs someone to stand up for her. She needs you to be

her hero. You are going to have to decide if you are willing to do that or if

you are going to stand by and watch because it feels to hard to say no.

I dont know exactly what you mean when you ask for boundaries that " work " but Im

going to assume you mean something that will make your wife more tolerable or

respectful or something. If not, ignore the following. Something you need to

understand about boundaries is hat they are for protecting you or your child,

not for changing other people. You are never going to get someone with bpd to

respect your need for boundaries--they will push back and hard especially in the

beginning. But if you are going to protect your boundaries, the only way to do

it is with consistency. You have to be willing to follow through every time no

matter how much she waifs or rages.

You didnt ask about this but please dont ever try to justify or defend your

wifes behavior or tell your child mommy really loves her. Sometimes parents do

this thinking its reassuring but it is incredibly invalidating and will make

things worse for your child. She is at a critical age and needs as much support

as she can get. Your primary duty is to take care of your child.

Good luck.

>

> Hi there,

>

> I've got a teenage daughter who is becoming badly affected by BP wife and my

weak boundaries. I want to do better.

>

> You all have been through a lot and I'm betting some (many?) of you have seen

at last one example of a boundary - yours or from one of your parents - that

really works.

>

> I'd very much love to hear from you about that.

>

> A short note from you on what the boundary is meant to protect - and how is it

effectively enforced - would mean a lot to me.

>

> You can post here or write to me at Boundary.Hunter3@...

>

> Thanks!

>

> - BH3

>

[Guest guest]

As the daughter of a BP   mother and having survived my teen age years

(barely) I appauld you for trying to help your daughter.  She needs to

understand that her mother is sick and will never act normally or rationally. 

I assume your wife doesn't recognize the behavior in herself (since its never

her fault) so I don't know if there is a way for your daughter to do

counseling.  I know I wish I had.  She's old enough to read Stop walking on

eggshells for herself.  You need to protect her now or she'll make some life

choices none of you will be happy with

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Sent: Friday, August 31, 2012 9:01 AM

Subject: Re: Informal Survey on Boundary Enforcement

 

Sorry for the double reply. This computer is trying to die on me...

> >

> > Hi there,

> >

> > I've got a teenage daughter who is becoming badly affected by BP wife and my

weak boundaries. I want to do better.

> >

> > You all have been through a lot and I'm betting some (many?) of you have

seen at last one example of a boundary - yours or from one of your parents -

that really works.

> >

> > I'd very much love to hear from you about that.

> >

> > A short note from you on what the boundary is meant to protect - and how is

it effectively enforced - would mean a lot to me.

> >

> > You can post here or write to me at Boundary.Hunter3@

> >

> > Thanks!

> >

> > - BH3

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Hello BH3,

I'll give you an example of one of my boundaries that works but

I'm not sure that it will help you much. Assuming that your

daughter is living with your wife, she's not in a good position

to enforce boundaries.

One of my boundaries is that my nada (that's the word we use to

describe our un-motherly mothers) is not allowed to bad-mouth

me, my sister, either of our fathers or anyone else I care about

to me. The way I enforce it is to immediately tell her that

we're not going to talk about that if she starts doing it. If

that's not enough to make her stop, I end the conversation by

leaving or hanging up the phone. I can't stop my nada from

thinking those nasty things or saying them to other people but I

can choose to not listen to her say them to me. Unfortunately, a

teen-age girl who tries to do something similar is likely to end

up in even more trouble. The balance of power is too much on the

parent's side. If you're separated from your wife and your

daughter's living with you or is old enough to have moved out on

her own, she has a better chance of being able to enforce good

boundaries.

I'd strongly recommend that you make sure to continually let

your daughter know that you value her and that it isn't her

fault that her mother says and does the things she does. If the

emotionally abusive behavior is on-going, the reassurance that

it is not her fault needs to be on-going as well.

Age-appropriate discussion of BPD and its effects would be a

good idea too.

At 07:25 AM 08/30/2012 boundary_hunter3 wrote:

>Hi there,

>

>I've got a teenage daughter who is becoming badly affected by

>BP wife and my weak boundaries. I want to do better.

>

>You all have been through a lot and I'm betting some (many?) of

>you have seen at last one example of a boundary - yours or from

>one of your parents - that really works.

>

>I'd very much love to hear from you about that.

>

>A short note from you on what the boundary is meant to protect

>- and how is it effectively enforced - would mean a lot to me.

>

>You can post here or write to me at Boundary.Hunter3@...

>

>Thanks!

>

>- BH3

>

--

Katrina