nada patterens

[Guest guest]

I decided to throw caution to the wind, and confront Nada about some things. my

motivation is that I would like to repair our relationship a bit, so that we can

possibly have one. and I still am hopeful that she is high functioning enough to

listen to me. plus just right now she is acting penitent, because I have not

talked to her on the phone for a while.

I sent an email presenting her with a boundary that is based on a behavior of

hers that is not only abusive, and weird,and way out of line, it is possibly a

deal breaker for me is she does not make an effort to stop it.

I was reading the scripture about forgiving 70x7 this week, and realized today

that she met her quota at least yearly on this particular behavior. it is of all

things to tell me to go to the bathroom (I have a medical condition that makes

it hard to void urine, so I have accidents, and have to go frequently etc.) and

for the record it never helped me to be nagged.

this may seem like a simple thing, but this condition has been the cause of huge

amounts of abuse from her, and my siblings too. Basically she never cared, and

never tried to take care of it. so in my opinion, she has no right to ever touch

the subject again.

and her response was uncannily similar to her response to me when I tried to

confront her about another major behavior (pre- knowledge of BP) I have decided

I should bring a check list next time I confront her about her behavior.

1. declare general failure as a person/mother/etc...

2. attempt to manipulate me into apologizing,comforting her (she is super crafty

at this one)

3. spin the facts to make her look good

4. blame anything she can think of (these are real) her father who died 25

years ago/ some urgency care doctor from when I was 6

5. blame me (this gets pretty creative)

6. make herself the martyr

7. express that I don't understand/appreciate her feeble efforts/ blah blah

blah.

8. hope that I can forgive her. (sometimes she trows in her immanent death)

seriously it is uncanny. she does it every time. and now I have it in e-mail

form. which might be useful in therapy. This pattern of behavior is what

convinced me that she is mentally ill in the first place. It is crazy that she

goes to all this effort to avoid saying I am sorry, and continues behaviors she

knows are hurtful. I don't really care how she justifies it to herself, I just

want her to stop.

Meikjn

[Guest guest]

My T talks a lot about patterns. She says to ignore the behavior and focus on

the pattern. She says I should decide how I will react to the pattern, not the

behavior, and do that consistently. According to her the behavior will change,

but the pattern won't. Does that make sense? It seems like you've already

identified the pattern, so you are farther along than I am. I'm new to this

whole BPD thing even though I've been living it my whole life with my own

parents. I'm sure there are others who will actually give advice. I guess I'm

writing this more as insight for you, because it really made sense to me when

she explained it that way. I hope it helps.

>

> I decided to throw caution to the wind, and confront Nada about some things.

my motivation is that I would like to repair our relationship a bit, so that we

can possibly have one. and I still am hopeful that she is high functioning

enough to listen to me. plus just right now she is acting penitent, because I

have not talked to her on the phone for a while.

>

> I sent an email presenting her with a boundary that is based on a behavior of

hers that is not only abusive, and weird,and way out of line, it is possibly a

deal breaker for me is she does not make an effort to stop it.

>

> I was reading the scripture about forgiving 70x7 this week, and realized today

that she met her quota at least yearly on this particular behavior. it is of all

things to tell me to go to the bathroom (I have a medical condition that makes

it hard to void urine, so I have accidents, and have to go frequently etc.) and

for the record it never helped me to be nagged.

>

> this may seem like a simple thing, but this condition has been the cause of

huge amounts of abuse from her, and my siblings too. Basically she never cared,

and never tried to take care of it. so in my opinion, she has no right to ever

touch the subject again.

>

> and her response was uncannily similar to her response to me when I tried to

confront her about another major behavior (pre- knowledge of BP) I have decided

I should bring a check list next time I confront her about her behavior.

>

> 1. declare general failure as a person/mother/etc...

> 2. attempt to manipulate me into apologizing,comforting her (she is super

crafty at this one)

> 3. spin the facts to make her look good

> 4. blame anything she can think of (these are real) her father who died 25

years ago/ some urgency care doctor from when I was 6

> 5. blame me (this gets pretty creative)

> 6. make herself the martyr

> 7. express that I don't understand/appreciate her feeble efforts/ blah blah

blah.

> 8. hope that I can forgive her. (sometimes she trows in her immanent death)

>

> seriously it is uncanny. she does it every time. and now I have it in e-mail

form. which might be useful in therapy. This pattern of behavior is what

convinced me that she is mentally ill in the first place. It is crazy that she

goes to all this effort to avoid saying I am sorry, and continues behaviors she

knows are hurtful. I don't really care how she justifies it to herself, I just

want her to stop.

>

> Meikjn

>

[Guest guest]

1 through 8 describes my MIL.

Your reaction is all that matters, ignoring my MIL helped, i will see how it

goes on this trip!

Nada is in that position because she wants to and says those things because it

is convenient for her. you juggling is her entertainment, do not give in. Her

feelings or fabrications are her problem, not yours.

>

> I decided to throw caution to the wind, and confront Nada about some things.

my motivation is that I would like to repair our relationship a bit, so that we

can possibly have one. and I still am hopeful that she is high functioning

enough to listen to me. plus just right now she is acting penitent, because I

have not talked to her on the phone for a while.

>

> I sent an email presenting her with a boundary that is based on a behavior of

hers that is not only abusive, and weird,and way out of line, it is possibly a

deal breaker for me is she does not make an effort to stop it.

>

> I was reading the scripture about forgiving 70x7 this week, and realized today

that she met her quota at least yearly on this particular behavior. it is of all

things to tell me to go to the bathroom (I have a medical condition that makes

it hard to void urine, so I have accidents, and have to go frequently etc.) and

for the record it never helped me to be nagged.

>

> this may seem like a simple thing, but this condition has been the cause of

huge amounts of abuse from her, and my siblings too. Basically she never cared,

and never tried to take care of it. so in my opinion, she has no right to ever

touch the subject again.

>

> and her response was uncannily similar to her response to me when I tried to

confront her about another major behavior (pre- knowledge of BP) I have decided

I should bring a check list next time I confront her about her behavior.

>

> 1. declare general failure as a person/mother/etc...

> 2. attempt to manipulate me into apologizing,comforting her (she is super

crafty at this one)

> 3. spin the facts to make her look good

> 4. blame anything she can think of (these are real) her father who died 25

years ago/ some urgency care doctor from when I was 6

> 5. blame me (this gets pretty creative)

> 6. make herself the martyr

> 7. express that I don't understand/appreciate her feeble efforts/ blah blah

blah.

> 8. hope that I can forgive her. (sometimes she trows in her immanent death)

>

> seriously it is uncanny. she does it every time. and now I have it in e-mail

form. which might be useful in therapy. This pattern of behavior is what

convinced me that she is mentally ill in the first place. It is crazy that she

goes to all this effort to avoid saying I am sorry, and continues behaviors she

knows are hurtful. I don't really care how she justifies it to herself, I just

want her to stop.

>

> Meikjn

>